Hopes for the New Year

You'd think an extra day at home to spend with my mom eating Thai food and watching season 2 of Dexter would've made me smile, not cry. But knowing that eventually I'd have to leave home again and return to the desolate land of my sublet room in Arlington had me in tears. It doesn't matter if I'm there for 2 days or 2 weeks; it never feels like enough.

Don't get me wrong. My family drives me nuts when I'm there. My nephew shot me in the face with a Nerf gun. My oldest brother refused to join my mom and me in Augusta to see my other brother who was on call at the hospital on Christmas, opting instead to go to an NFL game. My mom snored all night long on Christmas, keeping me up and making me want to put a pillow over her face.

And yet, I love them more than anything. I feel like I'm missing so much when I'm in DC. And I'm finally beginning to see that as long as I'm there, it will almost always be me making the trip to see them, not the other way around. In the five and a half years of living a plane ride away from home, I've been visited four times by my mom; two times by my middle brother, and zero times by my oldest brother. It's not that they don't care. It's just...I don't know. I'm the only one far away. Being a plane ride away takes out all the spontaneity of traveling, at least for those of us on a budget. It'd be so much easier if we all could just jump in the car and be together for a random weekend.

Now I'm back thinking that I do want to move, maybe not right away but eventually. My uncle in Chapel Hill is building a new house and his paid-for condo probably won't do well on the market, given the housing situation nationwide. He said, mostly in jest, "It would make my life a lot easier if you'd move to North Carolina." But, it got me thinking about what life would be like there. All of my emotions aside, next to DC the Research Triangle is probably the best place for me work-wise. I was contacted by someone there a few weeks ago who works on population issues. She'd be a great contact. And, I even met a man from there a few weeks ago that I instantly clicked with. I told him I was thinking of moving and he said, "I'd be your friend!"

I'm not into New Year's resolution (although I do plan to join a new gym when I get back to DC, only because my current one smells like a diaper.) But I do have hopes for this year--that it would be a time when something clicks. That I'd get that opportunity, meet that person, realize that one thing that will make the foreseeable future a little less daunting. That I'd realize where I'm supposed to be--DC, NC, or somewhere else--and feel at peace about it. I'm open to all of the possibilities before me.

3 comments:

  1. Sigh....Please stop crying when you leave home, it's really too much. It's not as though you live a continent away and only seem them once a year. (trust me, been there - done that!)

    Also, get used to being the one who travels. I have not lived at home since I was 17 (I am 33) and I can count on my hands the number of times family members have come to visit me. My parents LOVE me - and I LOVE them, but its simply logistics. It's ALWAYS easier when it's just you traveling.

    Now that I am married, it's STILL easier to have the two of us travel - we are better off financially and are both frequent fliers - much easier than getting my 60 something parents on a plane or trying to convince my sister to fly with two children under 10. It's just life!

    There also comes a point where you need to let go. Your goal is to build your own life - and by hanging onto "home" in such an idealized fashion - you aren't doing yourself any favors.

    Having lived in several places - I can tell you this - it's not WHERE you live, its HOW you live. No where will EVER feel like home if you don't let it and you don't invest in it.

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  2. Well, whether you're in DC or NC I'd totally want to visit - I love both places! Now if only I could find a job that gives me hours so I can save up money to travel =-p

    I hope you have a wonderful NYE and I hope 2011 is The Year for both of us!

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  3. @Tanya, I never said I wanted to move home. My home is in GA. I want to move to NC. I want to be *closer* to my family, not live with them. And I too have lived a continent away.

    There is no shame in wanting to see family on a more frequent basis. And there's no shame in crying because you miss them either.

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