One More "WTF" for Dr. N

A few days ago I disabled my OkCupid account, but not before checking out Dr. N's profile one last time. 

RED FLAG. He changed his age from 30, to 28! Say what?!

I don't know what his deal is, but I think there's something else going on with this dude. 

Off to enjoy a dateless (by choice) evening! 

And I'm Like "F*** You"

First, you all must immediately check out Date Me, DC!'s Halloween blog decorations.

Second, Dr. Nutrition is a goner. And a douche. Last night I had a wine-induced Facebook defriend, phone number deletion, and email erasure rampage. And it was entirely called for. Here's why.

After last week's weird email exchange over the wine tasting, I never heard from him again. Tired of the silence, I emailed him a final time on Monday. According to the two friends I showed it to, it was upbeat, even-keeled, but also addressed the lack of communication. Essentially, I gave him an out--if you're not interested, that's fine, but it'd be helpful to know.

And the guy couldn't even show me the common courtesy of responding to my fucking email. After six dates, I think this is just plain shitty. Grow some balls and say something. You're not the great love of my life, dude. I can handle it. And come on, an email is not exactly confrontational. Even with Mr. Homeland Security and Mr. Editor, I had the decency to email them that I wasn't interested. I feel like that's just the decent thing to do. Blowing someone off? That's just plain cowardly.

I feel totally duped and disappointed in him. And the best way to deal with that is just to cut off all lines of communication.

I think this really was the nail in the coffin of my short-lived dating adventures for the time being. I realized I'm just not ready to get my heart stomped on again. I hate being alone, but I hate dealing with this kind of bullshit even more.

In Session: Week 12ish? in Therapy

Honestly, I've lost track of which therapy session today was. I must be getting into the teens, but it doesn't really matter. Here are some take aways.

What I Need:

  • Kindness and gentleness to myself, to treat myself like I would a hurting friend
  • Company of friends
  • Maybe to get away from DC for a bit (a real break, not a work trip, family trip, etc.)
  • Social time, as difficult as it is to motivate myself
  • Maybe a Vitamin B complex supplement 
What I Don't Need:
  • Stress about Dr. Nutrition or any boy
  • Stress about why I am the way that I am
  • Over fixation on self-improvement
  • Self-flagellation
Things That Do Help:
  • Exercise
  • Massage
  • Getting good sleep
  • Reading 
  • Spending time with people
Things That Do Not Help:
  • Online dating sites
  • Texting
  • Technology in general
  • Trying to fix myself
  • Shopping
Basically, my impulse is to ask the "why" questions. It's my way of coping with chaos and disconnection. And while I could just suck it up and get through this time, it might not be the way I want to do it. It's not the way I'd treat a friend, screaming at her for not being able to get it together after she'd been through hell. So, I guess I'll try this gentle, encouraging thing and see what happens.

Saved By the Bell: The Quickest (and Worst) Date Ever...And This Whole Dating Thing in General

It all started when Mr. Homeland Security texted me mid-afternoon to ask if I could pick him up from the Metro station and take him to our date. This kind of threw me off as, in my opinion, it's not something you ask on a second date. It got worse when he replied to my "How are you going to get home?" text with "Oh, you can just drop me off at the Metro on your way home." Presumptuous, much?

Needless to say, by the time 5:45 rolled around and I was heading to the Metro, I was feeling a little bit annoyed, even though I'd agreed to pick him up. (What was I supposed to say?) Then I got even more annoyed when he got into the car and kissed me--dude, we've only been out once! We do not have that kind of familiarity yet.

Then he proceeded to YAMMER ON for the next TWENTY MINUTES about the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT. Not once did he ask, "How was your day?" No, he went on a tangent about God knows what, and I was getting more and more irritated. I thought, "What am I doing with this guy? He's annoying me! He's unaware of his talkativeness and he's presumptuous. And he's bald!"

By the time we got to the bar, I'd had enough. And like an angel from Heaven above, my phone rings. It's my friend J who was staying with me and needed me to let her into my house. SCORE. "Sorry," I said, trying to sound remorseful. "But I've really got to go let my friend in. What bad timing!" We literally got right back into the car, I dropped him off, I winced as he kissed me again and said "Sure, we'll get together some time next week!"

NOT.


Everyone, can you feel it? Can you tell that I'm kind of not feeling this whole dating thing? As I was driving Mr. Homeland Security around town, all I could think is, "Why am I doing this to myself?" It felt like torture. I feel like I'm putting myself through hell right now--with SCL, with Dr. Nutrition, with all of these stupid dates that I'm not excited about. When I get a message from eHarmony, I feel stressed out, not excited. I feel pulled apart and torn open and fucked up.

I am BROKEN. My heart is BROKEN. I feel like SHIT about myself. I am TIRED of it.

When I feel this bad, I tend to make rash decisions without thinking it through. But, I just disabled my OkCupid account, turned off matching for eHarmony (why didn't I let the damn thing expire?), and have committed to really thinking through this whole dating thing and if it's what I need right now. All I know is I don't feel like myself and that something is not right in my life. And, if I care about myself at all, I will spend the time trying to figure out what that is.

My Confessions (From This Week)

So, I haven't been totally transparent on the blog this week, not that I feel the need to be, but I've definitely been highly selective in sharing what has been going on. And, my stress level remains at what seems like an all-time high, despite getting a fantastic massage yesterday afternoon. In an attempt to unwind, I'm going to write what's really been on my mind this week in the hopes that I get some relief...and that you all don't judge me too harshly. (Or, that Comment Bouncer is on her A-game.)

Confession 1: I have seen SCL three times this week. Before you yell a completely justified "WTF?!" let me explain...and then you can resume with the "WTF?!"ing. On Sunday I got home around 2:00, went to sleep for four hours, and woke up hungry, exhausted, and cranky. I got a text from SCL, "I know you must be tired and hungry, so would you like to come over and have some pizza?" At that point, I didn't even care if it was a good idea. Comment Bouncer, being the good friend that she is, asked, "Is this such a good idea?" No, it wasn't, and I knew going into it, I was tired and feeling vulnerable, especially after the wedding. But, I went anyway. I was glad to see him and sad.Then I saw him the following two days. Once to rescue him after he got stranded (long story). I offered to get him. The third time, I really can't justify. I was feeling pathetic and lonely, and basically invited myself over. Before you get too worried, nothing happened. But I definitely am hurting after the fact.

Confession 2: Dr. Nutrition is driving me bat shit crazy. On Monday morning I sent him an email, asking he'd like to go back to the wine tasting. Yesterday afternoon he sends me the following (edited a bit):
"Hi, I'm glad you had fun at the wedding. I'd love to go to the wine tasting, but unfortunately I'm reffing that night. What are you up to this weekend? I'm going to be in another state. Awesome!" 
Hmm, this is very odd, don't you think? Awesome that you'll be out of town this weekend and we can't see each other? I'm trying not to read too much into it, and since he asked me a question, I responded with the following.
"Hey, too bad you can't make it. It'd be fun to watch you ref sometime. My friend is visiting this weekend, so I'll be showing her a good time. Now that I'm home, we should get together when you're free."
This is not the first time he's been flaky. I'll see what he says back. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a little anxious about it...and that I'm not compulsively checking email to see if he's written back.

Confession 3: Mr. Editor has a stutter, and it was awkward. I feel like a shitty-ass person for saying that, but our date was totally weird. We didn't have a lot to talk about, but I feel bad for not liking a guy who I am sure has a tough time dating. But, chemistry can't be forced, and I would feel even more terrible if I went on a second pity date with him. Struggling not to feel shitty though...

Confession 4: I feel like a fucking mess in general. I hate that being with SCL was the calmest I've felt since coming back. I hate feeling stressed out about my friend visiting, when all I really want is a weekend alone. I hate knowing that if Dr. Nutrition just wrote back, I'd feel a lot less anxious and could go about my business normally. I hate that I've given anyone that much power. He's not the first one. This is totally a pattern for me. And I don't know how to fix it. Being in therapy and doing exercises about helping myself recharge showed me that I really don't know how to take care of myself. I'm good at the external things, but when those don't work, I don't know what to do. I've spent a lot of the last few days in tears, very similar to back in July when SCL and I broke up the second time. Maybe it's all just cyclical, but it's disappointing  to feel back at square one, even if some of it's my own doing.

These are my confessions. Be gentle.

Last-minute Date with Mr. Homeland Security

Silly me, I thought returning home would result in an instant release in tension, stress, and anxiety. It has been anything but because I cannot chill the fuck out. There's only so much sleeping a girl can do, you know? I spent yesterday's therapy session talking with C about how I can relax. So, today I am going to have a "me" day as much as possible: a trip to Nordstrom Rack, checking out mindless fiction from the library, hitting the gym, and getting a deep tissue massage. And, there's the date with Mr. Editor! I'm also staying away from Gchat, Facebook, and eHarmony emails which are all stressing me out at the moment.

Backing up to Monday night, I decided at around 3:00 PM to follow up with Mr. Homeland Security (eHarm  dude) on his offer to take me out. It was a shameless move, mostly motivated by a lack of food in my house (hey, I've been gone for three weeks!), but I also was stressing out about SCL and Dr. Nutrition. And what better way to get your mind off of a guy than to go out with a new one? I realize how sick this all sounds, but stick with me.

I emailed Mr. Homeland Security and said, "I know this is last minute, but are you still up for getting together tonight?" I did not add that I desperately needed food. He called me on his break and invited me to a great happy hour in Alexandria.

Mr. Homeland Security surprised me--he was actually better looking than in his profile pictures. He's 35, tall, and has remnants of a North Carolina accent, which I totally dig. He was also super outgoing, funny, and very, very talkative. There wasn't an awkward pause the whole weekend. We sat at the bar, had a few glasses of wine and ate delicious bar food before he asked me if I wanted to take a walk on the waterfront.

I think what really did it for me was when we realized that his grandmother had lived in my hometown and he had vacationed there as a kid. Nothing like hearing familiar places and names to make a girl swoon. I liked his bit of Southern charm and how fun-loving he has. Sometimes his talkativeness overwhelmed me a little, but all in all, I liked him. And I felt completely comfortable with him, enough so that I let him kiss me goodnight--a first for me! I never kiss on the first date. (By "never," I mean in my limited three or so months of dating.) The wine might've helped, too. I think I feel a shift in how I feel about dating, like maybe I'm getting slightly better at it.

So, I guess I'm back on the "dating multiple people" train. I emailed Dr. Nutrition for a date yesterday morning and haven't heard back yet. In the meantime, I'm keeping my options open and looking forward to tonight's date with Mr. Editor. Wish me luck!

Update: Mr. Homeland Security just called for a second date...for tomorrow! I may make him wait a little longer than that, but I'm definitely up for another date.

She's Back!

Well, at the very least, I am home. I can't claim to be back and ready for action of any kind because despite sleeping all day and all night yesterday, I am freaking exhausted. It's going to take me a few days to recover from 18 days on the road. Not to mention a wedding where I was one of two people in my friend group who wasn't married. I may have had a break-down about that at one point.

But, I have a date planned for Wednesday--new guy I'm calling Mr. Editor. We've been corresponding while I've been out of town, and he asked me out for dinner! I'm excited to meet someone new. Dr. Nutrition and I texted on Saturday but no word on our next date. I honestly have very little free time this week. I've got friends coming into town Thursday and staying through the weekend.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to mark all as read on my google reader, so apologies in advance for being terribly behind on all of your lives. I have missed you dearly and can't wait to catch up!

Can I Go Home Yet? Because I Really, Really Miss My Bloggy Friends


Isn't that beautiful? That is lovely Santa Monica.

Too bad we're now in suck-ass DALLAS. This final leg of the journey has been a total fucking nightmare so far. So bad, in fact, that our hotel is comping our entire stay. Yeah, that's how much they fucked up. I am sleep deprived, jet lagged, and cranky. Thank God this is the last place I have to go, except for Philadelphia on Saturday for a wedding. Then when I return Sunday, I will be having a several day affair with my bed.

But, there is good news to report! In the less than 48 hours that I was back in DC for a board meeting, Dr. Nutrition and I had our sixth date. Yep, believe it or not, my crazy did not scare him off, at least not yet. He was even kind enough to come all the way to where I live in Arlington, and with a bottle of wine in hand to boot!

I tried really, really hard to rally like a champ, but I was still on West Coast time and feeling exhausted from the jet lag. We went to karaoke for an hour or so, and then headed back to my place. I realized how fucking crazy I'd been a few weeks ago to make up this story in my head that this guy had just stopped liking me. I guess when you don't see someone for several weeks though, it's easier to think that something is wrong. Nothing better than a little in person reassurance, if you know what I mean.

As we were spooning, I told him that I felt safe with him, and that I wasn't sure if that's a good thing. He said, "Quit judging yourself for your emotions." I retorted, "But what if it isn't safe!" And he said, "What if it is."

What if it is. The truth is, I don't know. My gut says it is. And I'd rather go for it then hold myself back from feeling something. Is there a way to go for it and still be careful?

We're Halfway There

My cross-country adventure is about half-way done--well, half-way to being back to DC for 48 hours before leaving again. But, the thought of two nights in my own bed is intoxicating. This is the most fun one I've slept in since leaving DC at the Hotel Monaco in downtown Denver.

I got great news yesterday that our funder for the project I direct has given us an additional year of funding, so I will be gainfully employed at least through December 2011! 

In between speaking engagements, I've been spending a lot of time responding to matches online. I'm realizing that I can't put all of my hope in Dr. Nutrition who has continued to be quite silent since I left. I've decided that I won't worry about it until I get back to DC and things are "normal" again. We have a tentative date planned for next Tuesday, but I'm not counting on it.

I'll check in again soon!

It's a Beautiful Morning

Hi dearies! Writing from Sheridan, Wyoming--not exactly a place I ever thought I'd visit, but it's so beautiful here. The weather is perfect, the leaves are turning, and the people could not be more lovely. Here's the view from my hotel room.

And this beautiful park we found off of Main Street....



And my new lovely Kenyan friend is the best travel companion a girl could ask for, despite all the weirdness that is the US of A. I'm seeing the country through completely new eyes.

The best part? I'm almost completely occupied with work and hosting my friend that I have very, very little time to act like a crazy person about Dr. Nutrition. We touched base Thursday night, but I've been super busy since then. I've even regained a new sense of enthusiasm for online dating and may have a few dates lined up for the week when I return.

Needless to say, this trip has been exactly what I've needed. Tomorrow we are off to Denver. More pics to come!