So it seems that my job is getting in the way of my blogging. I hate when that happens! I'm off to New York for the week, but before I go, I just had to write about this.
Yesterday I was having a good day. A fantastic day, actually. After a few really rough days of work, I had gotten an invitation to meet with some of the House Foreign Affairs staff. It had gone really well, and I was feeling like maybe I actually have a chance to, I don't know, impact something for real for once. On my walk back to the Metro, I was talking with my colleague when I decided to quickly check my email on my phone.
"What the fuck? Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?" All my lady-likeness and politeness I'd managed to muster up for my Hill meeting had dissipated instantly. Because at the top of my email was this.
"Dr. Nutrition would like to add you to his professional network on LinkedIn."
WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?!?!
Let me refresh your memory. Dr. N and I went out for about two months when he decided just to completely blow me off, even after I'd given him an easy out. It hurt my feelings, pissed me off, but it wasn't the end of the world. Whatever, guys can be dicks about that shit. But then after that, he has the balls to send me a LinkedIn invitation out of nowhere?
Not to hate on LinkedIn, but requests to be added to someone's network are even less personal and more generic than a Facebook friend request. Usually it's something I reserve for people with whom I've worked and with whom I am on good terms. To be clear, Dr. Nutrition and I are not on good terms because he blew me off and hasn't talked to me for 4 months.
So, I respond to his out-of-the-blue request with a one word e-mail. "Seriously?"
I didn't expect him to respond. But within an hour, I got this reply:
"Hi, how have you been? I'm sorry for how things ended between us, but I'd like to maintain a professional relationship...if possible. Since we talked, I became chair of this new organization. I've attached some information and I'd love for you to join. Look it over and let me know if you want to be a member. Have a great weekend! Dr. Nutrition."
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS BULLSHIT? You blow me off, you don't talk to me for MONTHS, and now you want me to do you a fucking favor? You want me to JOIN your organization?!
There were so many things I wanted to say in response. But, I restrained myself. I simply said, "Best of luck. Sorry, I don't have time for any more commitments. If you want to expand your membership, I recommend contacting this and that person. Best, Me."
Look, Dr. Nutrition. DC is a small fucking town, and you burned a bridge with me--a bridge to fantastic. Had you been decent enough to tell me that things weren't working out, it would've taken me some time, but we could definitely be cordial with one another. But since you didn't have the balls to be honest, I don't owe you a fucking thing.
Showing posts with label Dr. Nutrition. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dr. Nutrition. Show all posts
One More "WTF" for Dr. N
A few days ago I disabled my OkCupid account, but not before checking out Dr. N's profile one last time.
RED FLAG. He changed his age from 30, to 28! Say what?!
I don't know what his deal is, but I think there's something else going on with this dude.
Off to enjoy a dateless (by choice) evening!
And I'm Like "F*** You"
First, you all must immediately check out Date Me, DC!'s Halloween blog decorations.
Second, Dr. Nutrition is a goner. And a douche. Last night I had a wine-induced Facebook defriend, phone number deletion, and email erasure rampage. And it was entirely called for. Here's why.
After last week's weird email exchange over the wine tasting, I never heard from him again. Tired of the silence, I emailed him a final time on Monday. According to the two friends I showed it to, it was upbeat, even-keeled, but also addressed the lack of communication. Essentially, I gave him an out--if you're not interested, that's fine, but it'd be helpful to know.
And the guy couldn't even show me the common courtesy of responding to my fucking email. After six dates, I think this is just plain shitty. Grow some balls and say something. You're not the great love of my life, dude. I can handle it. And come on, an email is not exactly confrontational. Even with Mr. Homeland Security and Mr. Editor, I had the decency to email them that I wasn't interested. I feel like that's just the decent thing to do. Blowing someone off? That's just plain cowardly.
I feel totally duped and disappointed in him. And the best way to deal with that is just to cut off all lines of communication.
I think this really was the nail in the coffin of my short-lived dating adventures for the time being. I realized I'm just not ready to get my heart stomped on again. I hate being alone, but I hate dealing with this kind of bullshit even more.
Second, Dr. Nutrition is a goner. And a douche. Last night I had a wine-induced Facebook defriend, phone number deletion, and email erasure rampage. And it was entirely called for. Here's why.
After last week's weird email exchange over the wine tasting, I never heard from him again. Tired of the silence, I emailed him a final time on Monday. According to the two friends I showed it to, it was upbeat, even-keeled, but also addressed the lack of communication. Essentially, I gave him an out--if you're not interested, that's fine, but it'd be helpful to know.
And the guy couldn't even show me the common courtesy of responding to my fucking email. After six dates, I think this is just plain shitty. Grow some balls and say something. You're not the great love of my life, dude. I can handle it. And come on, an email is not exactly confrontational. Even with Mr. Homeland Security and Mr. Editor, I had the decency to email them that I wasn't interested. I feel like that's just the decent thing to do. Blowing someone off? That's just plain cowardly.
I feel totally duped and disappointed in him. And the best way to deal with that is just to cut off all lines of communication.
I think this really was the nail in the coffin of my short-lived dating adventures for the time being. I realized I'm just not ready to get my heart stomped on again. I hate being alone, but I hate dealing with this kind of bullshit even more.
My Confessions (From This Week)
So, I haven't been totally transparent on the blog this week, not that I feel the need to be, but I've definitely been highly selective in sharing what has been going on. And, my stress level remains at what seems like an all-time high, despite getting a fantastic massage yesterday afternoon. In an attempt to unwind, I'm going to write what's really been on my mind this week in the hopes that I get some relief...and that you all don't judge me too harshly. (Or, that Comment Bouncer is on her A-game.)
Confession 1: I have seen SCL three times this week. Before you yell a completely justified "WTF?!" let me explain...and then you can resume with the "WTF?!"ing. On Sunday I got home around 2:00, went to sleep for four hours, and woke up hungry, exhausted, and cranky. I got a text from SCL, "I know you must be tired and hungry, so would you like to come over and have some pizza?" At that point, I didn't even care if it was a good idea. Comment Bouncer, being the good friend that she is, asked, "Is this such a good idea?" No, it wasn't, and I knew going into it, I was tired and feeling vulnerable, especially after the wedding. But, I went anyway. I was glad to see him and sad.Then I saw him the following two days. Once to rescue him after he got stranded (long story). I offered to get him. The third time, I really can't justify. I was feeling pathetic and lonely, and basically invited myself over. Before you get too worried, nothing happened. But I definitely am hurting after the fact.
Confession 2: Dr. Nutrition is driving me bat shit crazy. On Monday morning I sent him an email, asking he'd like to go back to the wine tasting. Yesterday afternoon he sends me the following (edited a bit):
Confession 3: Mr. Editor has a stutter, and it was awkward. I feel like a shitty-ass person for saying that, but our date was totally weird. We didn't have a lot to talk about, but I feel bad for not liking a guy who I am sure has a tough time dating. But, chemistry can't be forced, and I would feel even more terrible if I went on a second pity date with him. Struggling not to feel shitty though...
Confession 4: I feel like a fucking mess in general. I hate that being with SCL was the calmest I've felt since coming back. I hate feeling stressed out about my friend visiting, when all I really want is a weekend alone. I hate knowing that if Dr. Nutrition just wrote back, I'd feel a lot less anxious and could go about my business normally. I hate that I've given anyone that much power. He's not the first one. This is totally a pattern for me. And I don't know how to fix it. Being in therapy and doing exercises about helping myself recharge showed me that I really don't know how to take care of myself. I'm good at the external things, but when those don't work, I don't know what to do. I've spent a lot of the last few days in tears, very similar to back in July when SCL and I broke up the second time. Maybe it's all just cyclical, but it's disappointing to feel back at square one, even if some of it's my own doing.
These are my confessions. Be gentle.
Confession 1: I have seen SCL three times this week. Before you yell a completely justified "WTF?!" let me explain...and then you can resume with the "WTF?!"ing. On Sunday I got home around 2:00, went to sleep for four hours, and woke up hungry, exhausted, and cranky. I got a text from SCL, "I know you must be tired and hungry, so would you like to come over and have some pizza?" At that point, I didn't even care if it was a good idea. Comment Bouncer, being the good friend that she is, asked, "Is this such a good idea?" No, it wasn't, and I knew going into it, I was tired and feeling vulnerable, especially after the wedding. But, I went anyway. I was glad to see him and sad.Then I saw him the following two days. Once to rescue him after he got stranded (long story). I offered to get him. The third time, I really can't justify. I was feeling pathetic and lonely, and basically invited myself over. Before you get too worried, nothing happened. But I definitely am hurting after the fact.
Confession 2: Dr. Nutrition is driving me bat shit crazy. On Monday morning I sent him an email, asking he'd like to go back to the wine tasting. Yesterday afternoon he sends me the following (edited a bit):
"Hi, I'm glad you had fun at the wedding. I'd love to go to the wine tasting, but unfortunately I'm reffing that night. What are you up to this weekend? I'm going to be in another state. Awesome!"Hmm, this is very odd, don't you think? Awesome that you'll be out of town this weekend and we can't see each other? I'm trying not to read too much into it, and since he asked me a question, I responded with the following.
"Hey, too bad you can't make it. It'd be fun to watch you ref sometime. My friend is visiting this weekend, so I'll be showing her a good time. Now that I'm home, we should get together when you're free."This is not the first time he's been flaky. I'll see what he says back. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a little anxious about it...and that I'm not compulsively checking email to see if he's written back.
Confession 3: Mr. Editor has a stutter, and it was awkward. I feel like a shitty-ass person for saying that, but our date was totally weird. We didn't have a lot to talk about, but I feel bad for not liking a guy who I am sure has a tough time dating. But, chemistry can't be forced, and I would feel even more terrible if I went on a second pity date with him. Struggling not to feel shitty though...
Confession 4: I feel like a fucking mess in general. I hate that being with SCL was the calmest I've felt since coming back. I hate feeling stressed out about my friend visiting, when all I really want is a weekend alone. I hate knowing that if Dr. Nutrition just wrote back, I'd feel a lot less anxious and could go about my business normally. I hate that I've given anyone that much power. He's not the first one. This is totally a pattern for me. And I don't know how to fix it. Being in therapy and doing exercises about helping myself recharge showed me that I really don't know how to take care of myself. I'm good at the external things, but when those don't work, I don't know what to do. I've spent a lot of the last few days in tears, very similar to back in July when SCL and I broke up the second time. Maybe it's all just cyclical, but it's disappointing to feel back at square one, even if some of it's my own doing.
These are my confessions. Be gentle.
Can I Go Home Yet? Because I Really, Really Miss My Bloggy Friends
Isn't that beautiful? That is lovely Santa Monica.
Too bad we're now in suck-ass DALLAS. This final leg of the journey has been a total fucking nightmare so far. So bad, in fact, that our hotel is comping our entire stay. Yeah, that's how much they fucked up. I am sleep deprived, jet lagged, and cranky. Thank God this is the last place I have to go, except for Philadelphia on Saturday for a wedding. Then when I return Sunday, I will be having a several day affair with my bed.
But, there is good news to report! In the less than 48 hours that I was back in DC for a board meeting, Dr. Nutrition and I had our sixth date. Yep, believe it or not, my crazy did not scare him off, at least not yet. He was even kind enough to come all the way to where I live in Arlington, and with a bottle of wine in hand to boot!
I tried really, really hard to rally like a champ, but I was still on West Coast time and feeling exhausted from the jet lag. We went to karaoke for an hour or so, and then headed back to my place. I realized how fucking crazy I'd been a few weeks ago to make up this story in my head that this guy had just stopped liking me. I guess when you don't see someone for several weeks though, it's easier to think that something is wrong. Nothing better than a little in person reassurance, if you know what I mean.
As we were spooning, I told him that I felt safe with him, and that I wasn't sure if that's a good thing. He said, "Quit judging yourself for your emotions." I retorted, "But what if it isn't safe!" And he said, "What if it is."
What if it is. The truth is, I don't know. My gut says it is. And I'd rather go for it then hold myself back from feeling something. Is there a way to go for it and still be careful?
Roller-coaster of Love
Let me say how much I enjoy reading all of your comments from both of yesterday's posts (Tweedlecrazy and Tweedlecrazier). Pretty much all of them resonate with some part of me, all the way from "He's a liar!" to "See, you shouldn't have sent that crazy email!" to "Maybe you should discuss this with him." I think you are all the innumerable voices that live in my head and torment/comfort me.
Here's the real deal. After Wednesday/Thursday cuddlefest/sleepover with Dr. Nutrition, I felt pretty overwhelmed with the lovie dovies and fell into my usual pattern of clinging. When I'm feeling a beautiful boy I tend to want to minimize space and time apart, and just spend countless days laying around in one another's arms. See how this is a little problematic on about a billion levels? Especially for people who want to have, you know, lives? I am a sucker for romance (or maybe it's just lust) and just can't seem to contain myself. I had the same issue with SCL where I set up a pattern of being the one to initiate our time together, and then I got resentful when he wouldn't take the initiative. Nice little trap I set up for myself there.
In truth I didn't give Dr. Nutrition much of a chance to initiate communication because I was too busy doing it. So, really how frustrated could I get that he hadn't texted or called when I wasn't giving him the space to? So, on Sunday I decided to just lay off. And when he didn't call on Sunday or by Monday evening, I got a little more antsy and called him--and proceeded to get royally pissed when I didn't hear back on what I felt was a reasonable timeline. At that point I had already constructed a narrative in my head of exactly what happened, all of which was about my own insecurities and imperfections. This, my boss informed me today after I spilled my guts, is a form of narcissism.
Shut the front door! I'm a narcissist? A girl who writes a blog all about herself is a narcissist? I guess in my mind a narcissist is an arrogant, proud person but in a broader sense, she's right. When something goes wrong, I assume it's all about me. And this was no exception.
The tipping point for me really was the unreturned phone call because I had been so direct--I haven't heard from you, what's going on. So I immediately jumped to the conclusion that this was a deliberate blow-off (it fit into my constructed narrative of him not liking me quite nicely) and then lashed out via email. So, when he did return my call (a response to my phone call, not my crazy-ass email), I felt like a total schmuck, not because I was pissed about him not returning my call earlier (justified) but that I had assumed that he would not return it period because he was an asshole. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
His reason for not returning my call might be sorta lame--"my phone died and I didn't get your message until now, I was helping my grandma move into an assisted living facility"--but it's not as bad as I what I was thinking--that he had totally changed his mind about me. It's never as bad as I think it's going to be, and it's never nearly as much about me as I'd like to think. Was he flaky not to be in touch? Yes. Was it a screw-up? Yes. Was it a deal-breaker for the potential that we have in dating? No.
Luckily, I'm about to head out of town for the next two and a half weeks, giving time for me to regain my composure and perspective. It'll prevent me from diving into anything too quickly with Dr. Nutrition or anyone for that matter. And hopefully I'll come back a relatively sane, if not totally exhausted, woman.
Here's the real deal. After Wednesday/Thursday cuddlefest/sleepover with Dr. Nutrition, I felt pretty overwhelmed with the lovie dovies and fell into my usual pattern of clinging. When I'm feeling a beautiful boy I tend to want to minimize space and time apart, and just spend countless days laying around in one another's arms. See how this is a little problematic on about a billion levels? Especially for people who want to have, you know, lives? I am a sucker for romance (or maybe it's just lust) and just can't seem to contain myself. I had the same issue with SCL where I set up a pattern of being the one to initiate our time together, and then I got resentful when he wouldn't take the initiative. Nice little trap I set up for myself there.
In truth I didn't give Dr. Nutrition much of a chance to initiate communication because I was too busy doing it. So, really how frustrated could I get that he hadn't texted or called when I wasn't giving him the space to? So, on Sunday I decided to just lay off. And when he didn't call on Sunday or by Monday evening, I got a little more antsy and called him--and proceeded to get royally pissed when I didn't hear back on what I felt was a reasonable timeline. At that point I had already constructed a narrative in my head of exactly what happened, all of which was about my own insecurities and imperfections. This, my boss informed me today after I spilled my guts, is a form of narcissism.
Shut the front door! I'm a narcissist? A girl who writes a blog all about herself is a narcissist? I guess in my mind a narcissist is an arrogant, proud person but in a broader sense, she's right. When something goes wrong, I assume it's all about me. And this was no exception.
The tipping point for me really was the unreturned phone call because I had been so direct--I haven't heard from you, what's going on. So I immediately jumped to the conclusion that this was a deliberate blow-off (it fit into my constructed narrative of him not liking me quite nicely) and then lashed out via email. So, when he did return my call (a response to my phone call, not my crazy-ass email), I felt like a total schmuck, not because I was pissed about him not returning my call earlier (justified) but that I had assumed that he would not return it period because he was an asshole. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
His reason for not returning my call might be sorta lame--"my phone died and I didn't get your message until now, I was helping my grandma move into an assisted living facility"--but it's not as bad as I what I was thinking--that he had totally changed his mind about me. It's never as bad as I think it's going to be, and it's never nearly as much about me as I'd like to think. Was he flaky not to be in touch? Yes. Was it a screw-up? Yes. Was it a deal-breaker for the potential that we have in dating? No.
Luckily, I'm about to head out of town for the next two and a half weeks, giving time for me to regain my composure and perspective. It'll prevent me from diving into anything too quickly with Dr. Nutrition or anyone for that matter. And hopefully I'll come back a relatively sane, if not totally exhausted, woman.
Update: I AM THE BIGGEST IDIOT ALIVE!
You all were right. I'll admit it. I let the crazy girl get to me and hit send.
Only minutes later, while on the phone with Comment Bouncer nonetheless, Dr. Nutrition beeps in. I'm expecting he's going to tell me that he's sorry, that he feels bad.
Oh no. He didn't even get the email. He had been away at his parents and his phone had died. He was calling me from the road on his way home.
ACK I AM THE BIGGEST IDIOT!
But, the good news is he's like, "Don't even worry about it. I understand why you felt that way. I'm sure you were wondering why I hadn't called" And he promised to delete my psycho-ish email before reading it. His only request? That I not mention the whole thing ever again.
Self-sabatoge--you almost won! And dearest readers, you all were right.
Only minutes later, while on the phone with Comment Bouncer nonetheless, Dr. Nutrition beeps in. I'm expecting he's going to tell me that he's sorry, that he feels bad.
Oh no. He didn't even get the email. He had been away at his parents and his phone had died. He was calling me from the road on his way home.
ACK I AM THE BIGGEST IDIOT!
But, the good news is he's like, "Don't even worry about it. I understand why you felt that way. I'm sure you were wondering why I hadn't called" And he promised to delete my psycho-ish email before reading it. His only request? That I not mention the whole thing ever again.
Self-sabatoge--you almost won! And dearest readers, you all were right.
Too Good to Be True
It makes me sad to write this post because it means my romance with Dr. Nutrition is over. I hesitantly wrote that I was a bit concerned that he hadn't contacted me since our date on Wednesday, and sadly nothing has changed.
After pole-dancing class (yes, pole-dancing--and it was hard as hell!) with my friend M, we went to have a beer. She is a dating expert, if such a thing exists, and I told her the whole story. Her response was simply, "What the fuck?!" She said, "You have a right to know what's going on. His communication pattern has changed, and he's not keeping you in the loop. You're half of the equation and you have a right to know what's going on." She also added that she doesn't have time to play the waiting game and would rather cut to the chase.
On my way home, I jokingly texted him that I was fairly certain I didn't have a career in pole-dancing ahead of me and asked if he had time to chat. No response. About an hour later, I decided to give him a call. No response. I left him a message, "Haven't heard from you in a few days and was wondering if we could chat before I leave town." No response. No response. No response. No phone call. No text. No email this morning. No Facebook chat. Nada.
I went into my therapy session with C on the brink of tears, and as soon as the door was shut, I started crying. I have so much else going on with this 3-week cross-country trip with a woman from Kenya, but all I can think about is how I just got duped by a guy I mistook for one of the good ones. You all were fooled too, right? What, with the ballroom lessons, the telling his mom about me, the "You're a beautiful person," the date after date routine? WTF?! I repeat, WTF?!
There were no red flags. No signs that he was wavering. Nothing to make me think he was just going to start being a dick and blowing me off. At least with SCL there were warning signs, even if I didn't want to admit it. I. Just. Don't. GET. IT.
Yes, I could excuse him. I could say that he's changing jobs or his phone broke or that he was just busy. But those are excuses, none of which I'm buying. I'm pissed off that he has yet to muster up the decency to say, "Hey, I changed my mind." For a guy who claims to be fearless, he seems like quite the coward right now. A coward I'd love to punch in the face!
So, what to do now? When it has been a full 24 hours, I will send him a final email, ending with "If I don't hear from you, I assume you don't want to see me anymore." Because I'm done with his hot-then-cold of the Katy Perry variety bullshit.
And I also priority shipped a copy of Self-Esteem because clearly I'm going to need some building up again after this disappointment.
After pole-dancing class (yes, pole-dancing--and it was hard as hell!) with my friend M, we went to have a beer. She is a dating expert, if such a thing exists, and I told her the whole story. Her response was simply, "What the fuck?!" She said, "You have a right to know what's going on. His communication pattern has changed, and he's not keeping you in the loop. You're half of the equation and you have a right to know what's going on." She also added that she doesn't have time to play the waiting game and would rather cut to the chase.
On my way home, I jokingly texted him that I was fairly certain I didn't have a career in pole-dancing ahead of me and asked if he had time to chat. No response. About an hour later, I decided to give him a call. No response. I left him a message, "Haven't heard from you in a few days and was wondering if we could chat before I leave town." No response. No response. No response. No phone call. No text. No email this morning. No Facebook chat. Nada.
I went into my therapy session with C on the brink of tears, and as soon as the door was shut, I started crying. I have so much else going on with this 3-week cross-country trip with a woman from Kenya, but all I can think about is how I just got duped by a guy I mistook for one of the good ones. You all were fooled too, right? What, with the ballroom lessons, the telling his mom about me, the "You're a beautiful person," the date after date routine? WTF?! I repeat, WTF?!
There were no red flags. No signs that he was wavering. Nothing to make me think he was just going to start being a dick and blowing me off. At least with SCL there were warning signs, even if I didn't want to admit it. I. Just. Don't. GET. IT.
Yes, I could excuse him. I could say that he's changing jobs or his phone broke or that he was just busy. But those are excuses, none of which I'm buying. I'm pissed off that he has yet to muster up the decency to say, "Hey, I changed my mind." For a guy who claims to be fearless, he seems like quite the coward right now. A coward I'd love to punch in the face!
So, what to do now? When it has been a full 24 hours, I will send him a final email, ending with "If I don't hear from you, I assume you don't want to see me anymore." Because I'm done with his hot-then-cold of the Katy Perry variety bullshit.
And I also priority shipped a copy of Self-Esteem because clearly I'm going to need some building up again after this disappointment.
The Waiting Game
I have nothing new to report regarding Dr. Nutrition other than that I am a crazy person. Leave it to me to have a good time with a guy and then spend countless hours trying to figure out a reason why he can't possibly like me as much as he let on.
The thing is, I really like him. A few weeks ago I wasn't sure, but the combination of time spent talking on the phone plus a really great date this week, I find myself falling pretty hard. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself and enjoy where we are, but my natural inclination is to cling.
Tara Brach
talks a lot about clinging--how when we feel pleasure, we immediately want more of it and finagle ways to hang on to what is inevitably fleeting. This could be anything--the taste of ice cream (and so we get seconds); the relaxation of a vacation (and so we plot where we'll go next); or the beginnings of a new relationship (and so we want to push it along into the next stage).
And so that's what I've been doing. I've been anticipating what will happen next, and it hasn't helped that Dr. Nutrition and I really haven't had much contact since Thursday morning. So of course I assume the worst: he's changed his mind; he doesn't really like me; he's not thinking of me. And so on and so on. My head is currently a pretty miserable place to reside.
Dr. Nutrition is a busy guy and before this week there had been plenty of days when we didn't talk at all. It's just that now I am thinking about him more, so the waiting feels longer and more torturous. I'm just focusing on chilling out and not jumping to the absolute worst conclusion.
Thank you for indulging my neurosis.
The thing is, I really like him. A few weeks ago I wasn't sure, but the combination of time spent talking on the phone plus a really great date this week, I find myself falling pretty hard. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself and enjoy where we are, but my natural inclination is to cling.
Tara Brach
talks a lot about clinging--how when we feel pleasure, we immediately want more of it and finagle ways to hang on to what is inevitably fleeting. This could be anything--the taste of ice cream (and so we get seconds); the relaxation of a vacation (and so we plot where we'll go next); or the beginnings of a new relationship (and so we want to push it along into the next stage).And so that's what I've been doing. I've been anticipating what will happen next, and it hasn't helped that Dr. Nutrition and I really haven't had much contact since Thursday morning. So of course I assume the worst: he's changed his mind; he doesn't really like me; he's not thinking of me. And so on and so on. My head is currently a pretty miserable place to reside.
Dr. Nutrition is a busy guy and before this week there had been plenty of days when we didn't talk at all. It's just that now I am thinking about him more, so the waiting feels longer and more torturous. I'm just focusing on chilling out and not jumping to the absolute worst conclusion.
Thank you for indulging my neurosis.
Keeps Getting Better
Yesterday marked date five with Dr. Nutrition, and it was by far the best date yet. With the late-night phone calls and flirtatious text messages, we were both more than ready to see each other in person. He'd set up this date a few weeks ago. On the third Wednesday of the month, the Bell Wine Shop in Dupont has a "Grand Tasting"--for $5, you can try 40 different wines. Granted it's nothing more than a sip of each one, but let me tell you forty sips add up. And once again, I found myself somewhat accidentally hammered. This has been happening to me quite a lot lately.
I had to smile when one of the other wine tasters referred to Dr. Nutrition as "my boyfriend." I didn't bother to correct them.
After some dinner to soak up the copious amounts of alcohol in our system, we had the awkward, "Where do we go now?" conversation. Since we were already on the red line, I said "Canada" made more sense than my place, and off we went. I got the sense that he was a little embarrassed about the lack of furniture in his room, and since last time he'd acquired a table and a dresser. Still no bed frame, but an improvement for sure.
Before things got too steamy, I wanted to talk with him about sex, as awkward as it felt. Here's my deal: as much as I hate to admit it, I am a stereotypical woman who can't have sex without feeling intensely bonded to the other person. Hell, even some hot, heavy-duty making out can make me start hearing wedding bells. No, I am not kidding. Yes, I am that emotional. But I know how I'm wired and I own it.
So, I said to him. "I really like you, and I don't want to risk messing things up by sleeping together too soon. It doesn't mean I don't want to; it's just that sex makes me feel really attached, and I don't think we're at that point yet." He said, "I completely agree." I couldn't detect any insincerity in his voice--perhaps slight disappointment, but I'm fairly certain that he was being honest when he said he was on the same page. With that out of the way, I let my worries go and enjoyed myself. He declared the bed as a "worry-free" zone, so I really had no choice but to relax and enjoy being close to him.
At 1:30 he asked if I wanted him to drive me home. "Not really, " I said. He invited me to stay, and I spent the whole night with one of his arms under my head and the other wrapped around me. I can't say either of us slept very well, but I didn't care.
We woke up to sunshine and lawnmowers and mockingbirds, and continued to cuddle. I said, "Don't you need to get to work?" He said, "I think I'm going to work from home this morning. In fact, I think I'm already working right now." I laughed, "Oh yeah, how do you figure that?" He said, "I'm working on doing outreach to faith-based organizations." I cracked up and kissed him again, "Oh yeah, I think we've got a great partnership in the works."
Happy day.
I had to smile when one of the other wine tasters referred to Dr. Nutrition as "my boyfriend." I didn't bother to correct them.
After some dinner to soak up the copious amounts of alcohol in our system, we had the awkward, "Where do we go now?" conversation. Since we were already on the red line, I said "Canada" made more sense than my place, and off we went. I got the sense that he was a little embarrassed about the lack of furniture in his room, and since last time he'd acquired a table and a dresser. Still no bed frame, but an improvement for sure.
Before things got too steamy, I wanted to talk with him about sex, as awkward as it felt. Here's my deal: as much as I hate to admit it, I am a stereotypical woman who can't have sex without feeling intensely bonded to the other person. Hell, even some hot, heavy-duty making out can make me start hearing wedding bells. No, I am not kidding. Yes, I am that emotional. But I know how I'm wired and I own it.
So, I said to him. "I really like you, and I don't want to risk messing things up by sleeping together too soon. It doesn't mean I don't want to; it's just that sex makes me feel really attached, and I don't think we're at that point yet." He said, "I completely agree." I couldn't detect any insincerity in his voice--perhaps slight disappointment, but I'm fairly certain that he was being honest when he said he was on the same page. With that out of the way, I let my worries go and enjoyed myself. He declared the bed as a "worry-free" zone, so I really had no choice but to relax and enjoy being close to him.
At 1:30 he asked if I wanted him to drive me home. "Not really, " I said. He invited me to stay, and I spent the whole night with one of his arms under my head and the other wrapped around me. I can't say either of us slept very well, but I didn't care.
We woke up to sunshine and lawnmowers and mockingbirds, and continued to cuddle. I said, "Don't you need to get to work?" He said, "I think I'm going to work from home this morning. In fact, I think I'm already working right now." I laughed, "Oh yeah, how do you figure that?" He said, "I'm working on doing outreach to faith-based organizations." I cracked up and kissed him again, "Oh yeah, I think we've got a great partnership in the works."
Happy day.
Back in Session: Week Nine of Therapy
When I went to my last therapy session at the end of May, things were looking a lot different than they do now, to say the least. I wasn't happy. I was still in the old apartment. SCL and I were still together and fighting over the couch. She was uber preggers.Yesterday I hardly recognized her without the belly!
With only 50 minutes to fill her in on the last three and a half months, I gave her the Reader's Digest version: I moved out; SCL broke up with me; I cried; I went on vacation; I decided to start dating; I had a beach fling; I got a crush on Dr. Nutrition. It kind of makes my head spin just thinking about it. But, with all of this going on, what was really interesting is that I wasn't too fixated on dealing with the, "Is dating a good idea?" question but rather with the insecurities I am feeling now that I've found someone I'm interested in.
So, as cliche as it sounds, C and I are going to be talking about....wait for it...SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES! Especially around body image and food. AWESOME. Cannot wait to delve into all my bullshit about that. But, C is super supportive, and if there's anyone I feel comfortable admitting I've got issues with, it's her. Oh yeah, and all of you in the blogging world, too.
In the meantime, Dr. Nutrition and I spent another night on the phone last night after he finished reffing his soccer games. He said, "For two people who hate to talk on the phone, we sure have been doing a lot of it." A good sign, right? Tonight for our fifth date we are going wine tasting, which I'm super excited about. Oh, and if I can gush for just a moment, he, knowing how much I love ballroom dance, actually bought a package of dance lessons, so he can learn the basics and we can dance together. I like this one.
Teenage Dream
That's how I feel right now--like I've regressed about 12 years and have a teenage crush. And, it is fantastic! With Mr. Navy out of the picture (we've since talked as friends, and I am feeling less dumb), my attention has turned to Dr. Nutrition.
Call me foolish or a hopeless romantic, but I have a good feeling about this one. I'm finding that I don't have a whole lot of desire to go on many first dates right now. (The one I had scheduled with Mr. Sayid-lookalike cancelled at the last minute, and I am debating whether or not to reschedule. The real reason I wanted to go out with him was the aforementioned resemblance to my favorite Lost Iraqi survivor.) I guess I burned out pretty fast with the 4 dates/week.
For the last two nights, Dr. Nutrition and I have stayed up way past my bedtime talking on the phone. The thing is, I don't even like talking on the phone. I'd rather have a Harry Potter owl or something. Say what you want about how brilliant cell phones are, but I swear to God, it's impossible to get a clear connection and there were moments when I literally had to ask him to repeat something five times. I felt like a grandma and questioned whether or not I should have my hearing tested.
But, despite the constant "Huh? What?" on my end, it has been fantastic getting to know him more. I think it's a good sign that we can talk for 3 hours and not run out of things to talk about. Sure, we are just getting to know each other, but there have been some dates when I haven't had an hour's worth of shared interests to go on. But, with Dr. Nutrition the conversation just flows effortlessly and even makes me forget momentarily how much I fucking hate talking on the phone. We have a date tomorrow night (wine tasting, my favorite!) and I can't wait to see him in person.
This is all so exciting and incredibly terrifying at the same time. Part of me wants to say, "Hold on, lady. You need to take it slowly." But the other part of me says, "Quit over-thinking every little thing and just go for it!" He's giving me the green light. He even told me that he's shown my picture to his mom. I feel like this is not the run-of-the-mill, "I'd like to get into your pants" line. Again, trying not to over-think things.
Last week in the middle of thinking about SCL, Mr. Navy, and Dr. Nutrition, I thought, "Where the hell is my damn therapist? Surely she's off of maternity leave by now!" We have an appointment today. Really looking forward to spilling my guts and filling her in on what's been going on since the end of May. She's in for an earful.
Call me foolish or a hopeless romantic, but I have a good feeling about this one. I'm finding that I don't have a whole lot of desire to go on many first dates right now. (The one I had scheduled with Mr. Sayid-lookalike cancelled at the last minute, and I am debating whether or not to reschedule. The real reason I wanted to go out with him was the aforementioned resemblance to my favorite Lost Iraqi survivor.) I guess I burned out pretty fast with the 4 dates/week.
For the last two nights, Dr. Nutrition and I have stayed up way past my bedtime talking on the phone. The thing is, I don't even like talking on the phone. I'd rather have a Harry Potter owl or something. Say what you want about how brilliant cell phones are, but I swear to God, it's impossible to get a clear connection and there were moments when I literally had to ask him to repeat something five times. I felt like a grandma and questioned whether or not I should have my hearing tested.
But, despite the constant "Huh? What?" on my end, it has been fantastic getting to know him more. I think it's a good sign that we can talk for 3 hours and not run out of things to talk about. Sure, we are just getting to know each other, but there have been some dates when I haven't had an hour's worth of shared interests to go on. But, with Dr. Nutrition the conversation just flows effortlessly and even makes me forget momentarily how much I fucking hate talking on the phone. We have a date tomorrow night (wine tasting, my favorite!) and I can't wait to see him in person.
This is all so exciting and incredibly terrifying at the same time. Part of me wants to say, "Hold on, lady. You need to take it slowly." But the other part of me says, "Quit over-thinking every little thing and just go for it!" He's giving me the green light. He even told me that he's shown my picture to his mom. I feel like this is not the run-of-the-mill, "I'd like to get into your pants" line. Again, trying not to over-think things.
Last week in the middle of thinking about SCL, Mr. Navy, and Dr. Nutrition, I thought, "Where the hell is my damn therapist? Surely she's off of maternity leave by now!" We have an appointment today. Really looking forward to spilling my guts and filling her in on what's been going on since the end of May. She's in for an earful.
Insecurities
I was planning to write a post about Mr. Executive Chef, a guy who seems to think I am God's gift to men even though we've never met. He is constantly contacting me, and even friended me on Facebook! Can you say "overkill"?
But, what I've really been processing is the night I had with Dr. Nutrition. I hadn't intended for things to take such a serious turn in our conversation, but it was as if as soon as I opened up, I couldn't stop myself from just vomiting my feelings all over the place. I put myself in a really vulnerable state with someone I hardly know, which is not atypical for me (apparently I cannot learn) but a little foolish nonetheless. At least I think it is.
What I disliked the most was my own insecurity in the situation--feeling anxious, unsettled, uncomfortable, awkward, and unable to look him in the eyes for more than a few seconds without laughing or averting my gaze. And I've been trying to figure out why.
For so long I felt insecure about my relationship with SCL. I felt like I wasn't quite enough for him, and I always worried that there'd be some part of me he'd uncover that would ultimately do him in. Living in this constant state of fear clearly has had an effect on me and I sense that I'm still living those feelings out and struggling to let them go. But, it means that I'm almost expecting Dr. Nutrition to do the same. Maybe not now, but surely at some point he'll realize I'm not the person he claims to see when he looks into my eyes. .
The fastest way for me to feel insecure is to think about Dr. Nutrition's passion for healthy living. He's super fit, runs marathons, refs soccer games, does triathlons, works on wellness, does yoga regularly, can do a handstand. Me? I like to hit the gym 4-5 days a week for an hour or so, reading magazines and watching TV as I do it. I hate running. I rarely lift weights. Yoga is my idea of torture. And I really, really like eating candy. At least in this area he's the superstar, and I feel pretty fucking average. I wonder if he really wants to be with someone like me who thinks luluelemon is a rip off and would rather drink margaritas than get a runner's high (which I swear to God does not exist).
And therein lies the problem. Self-sabotage. Why am I trying to convince myself that this guy doesn't like me when clearly he does? He wouldn't have asked me out 5 times in three weeks if he didn't. Everything he says and does indicates that he doesn't just think I'm ok, but really he thinks I'm fantastic. So, why the hell am I so preoccupied with figuring out what he probably doesn't like or what eventually he'll discover that he doesn't like? Is a way to prepare myself for some future blow to the ego? Why do I think I'm not good enough for him?
I wish I could just inject myself with some genuine confidence and self-esteem before these dates.
If I could say something to Dr. Nutrition right now, it would be this: I'm not quite where I want to be right now, but I know that I get there eventually. If I try to push myself into anything, I know I'll freak out and run away. So, the best thing is to keep taking this one day (and date) at a time. Will you be patient with me as I work through this stuff?
I honestly think his response would be, "Absolutely."
But, what I've really been processing is the night I had with Dr. Nutrition. I hadn't intended for things to take such a serious turn in our conversation, but it was as if as soon as I opened up, I couldn't stop myself from just vomiting my feelings all over the place. I put myself in a really vulnerable state with someone I hardly know, which is not atypical for me (apparently I cannot learn) but a little foolish nonetheless. At least I think it is.
What I disliked the most was my own insecurity in the situation--feeling anxious, unsettled, uncomfortable, awkward, and unable to look him in the eyes for more than a few seconds without laughing or averting my gaze. And I've been trying to figure out why.
For so long I felt insecure about my relationship with SCL. I felt like I wasn't quite enough for him, and I always worried that there'd be some part of me he'd uncover that would ultimately do him in. Living in this constant state of fear clearly has had an effect on me and I sense that I'm still living those feelings out and struggling to let them go. But, it means that I'm almost expecting Dr. Nutrition to do the same. Maybe not now, but surely at some point he'll realize I'm not the person he claims to see when he looks into my eyes. .
The fastest way for me to feel insecure is to think about Dr. Nutrition's passion for healthy living. He's super fit, runs marathons, refs soccer games, does triathlons, works on wellness, does yoga regularly, can do a handstand. Me? I like to hit the gym 4-5 days a week for an hour or so, reading magazines and watching TV as I do it. I hate running. I rarely lift weights. Yoga is my idea of torture. And I really, really like eating candy. At least in this area he's the superstar, and I feel pretty fucking average. I wonder if he really wants to be with someone like me who thinks luluelemon is a rip off and would rather drink margaritas than get a runner's high (which I swear to God does not exist).
And therein lies the problem. Self-sabotage. Why am I trying to convince myself that this guy doesn't like me when clearly he does? He wouldn't have asked me out 5 times in three weeks if he didn't. Everything he says and does indicates that he doesn't just think I'm ok, but really he thinks I'm fantastic. So, why the hell am I so preoccupied with figuring out what he probably doesn't like or what eventually he'll discover that he doesn't like? Is a way to prepare myself for some future blow to the ego? Why do I think I'm not good enough for him?
I wish I could just inject myself with some genuine confidence and self-esteem before these dates.
If I could say something to Dr. Nutrition right now, it would be this: I'm not quite where I want to be right now, but I know that I get there eventually. If I try to push myself into anything, I know I'll freak out and run away. So, the best thing is to keep taking this one day (and date) at a time. Will you be patient with me as I work through this stuff?
I honestly think his response would be, "Absolutely."
Take It Slow
Last week Dr. Nutrition invited me to dinner in Bethesda/"Canada"/his neighborhood for our fourth date. In true Dr. Nutrition form, he was late and I was on time. But once he got there, my annoyance dissipated....because it was replaced by horror at the (I kid you not) crushed velvet shirt he had on. Let me just say this guy is VERY comfortable in his sexual identity. And, he can also handle me poking fun at him, too.
We walked around Bethesda, which is actually very beautiful and feels like a grown-up Arlington. He took me to his favorite store--Lululemon--where he literally knows every employee. One particularly chipper chick said, "We're going on a run to Guapo's in Tenleytown! Want to come with us?" Girlfriend, does it look like I'm dressed for a fucking run? And if you think I'm going to drop $250 for some of your overpriced sports bras and shorts, you are delusional.
Eventually we ended up at a Thai restaurant, and this time, the waitress only had to come by three times before we were ready to order (this is significantly fewer times than our previous dates because we'd get to talking and never look at the menu). I ordered my usual glass of wine, but he stuck with water because, of course, he's doing a triathlon this weekend. I'm trying to figure out how I feel about dating someone who is in WAY better shape than I am. But, as usual, we had great conversation. He's seriously cute and we never run out of things to talk about.
After dinner he took me to his place and showed me his "toys"--a Razor scooter, a hula hoop, a unicycle. I'm telling you, this guy is unlike any I've ever met. I love that he's playful and really doesn't give a fuck what other people think. He warned me that his bedroom had no furniture. And he wasn't kidding. He literally had a mattress on the floor, and that was it! It was perhaps the saddest thing I have ever seen. He lives up in the attic, and blames the narrowness of the staircase for his lack of decoration. To that I say, "Get your ass to IKEA because this shit is grim."
Let me just add that making out on a mattress on the floor feels a little too dorm room to me. Especially when the guy puts Norah Jones on. All I could think about was my college boyfriend, which is not exactly the mindset I was hoping for. And I was feeling a little conflicted about the time I'd had with SCL the day before.
"I should get going, " I said. It was getting late, and I had a long Metro ride back to Arlington. "Would you stay longer if I drove you home?" he asked. I agreed, and we continued to make out. Then the panic set back in, "Oh God, does he think I'm ready to sleep with him?" Because I wasn't. Not even a little. That's just not my style. I get too freaking attached, and I'm just not ready to feel that way about someone.
He drove me home, and I invited him in to meet my roommates while I quickly cleaned up my room. I had not exactly planned on having a visitor, seeing as how we started the evening in Canada. But one of the things I really like about Dr. Nutrition is that I feel like I could introduce him to any of my friends or family, and they'd love him. He's so good at relating to other people. In the five minutes it took for me to throw the dirty clothes and papers into the closet, he was already chatting it up with my roommate G.
I showed him my room. "See, this is what a grown-up room looks like!" Needless to say, it is way better to make out in a real bed and not a mattress on the floor.
It was around midnight that I felt the compulsion to bare my soul. I may not jump in sexually with a new person, but for whatever reason, I have a hard time holding back when it comes to spilling my guts. I'm a processor, and I just had all of these conflicting feelings about the situation--liking him, thinking about SCL, wondering what Dr. Nutrition was thinking. While I spared him the details of the break-up, I alluded to the fact that heartache wasn't in my too distant past, and it has me feeling a little afraid. I can't stand the idea of getting hurt again. I don't think I could take it. Basically, I had a bunch of internal shit distracting me from the present situation, and it left me feeling vulnerable and embarrassed.
But here's the good part of the story: it didn't seem to shake him at all. He didn't bolt. He just listened attentively and held me close. Dr. Nutrition is truly an exceptional person, from what I've seen so far. I've never met someone who seems so settled and comfortable in his own skin that I honestly think short of a murder confession there's really nothing I could say that would freak him out. It's a strange but good feeling to be the one who doesn't have it together completely. "I wish my feelings were more simple," I said. "What are you feeling?" he asked. "I feel happy to be with you right now, and that's all I want to feel right now. Does it bother you that I'm still healing?" "No," he said. "We've all been there."
He told me, "I think you are a beautiful person." I laughed, "But you don't even know me!" He responded, "I have pretty good intuition about people. Plus, your eyes tell me everything--that you are caring, loyal, passionate, warm, outgoing..."
Happy sigh. I like this one.
Looking back on the night, I wish things hadn't gotten so serious, but that's just where I was at the moment. And knowing it didn't freak him out (at least from what I could tell) makes me even more interested in getting to know him. Next week we'll lighten the mood with a wine tasting and hopefully a night of karaoke. I need to show him (and me) my fun side again.
Double Crush=Double Fun+Double Trouble
If you saw the second update on yesterday's post, my texting Mr. Navy ended up working quite nicely, even if I attributed it to momentary insanity. About two hours after I sent my last text (in which I not-so-subtly said it'd be fun to see each other again...and then immediately wished I hadn't sent it), he texted back, "Let's shoot for next week. How's Thursday?" *happy dance*
Just as soon as I'd begun celebrating my flirting victory, I realized that I had to get showered and ready for my third date with Dr. Nutrition. We had plans to have dinner at 6 in Foggy Bottom, giving us plenty of time to get over to the Kennedy Center to pick up our free tickets. Or so I thought. At about 5:45 I got a text from Dr. Nutrition that once again he's running late, but he promises to be there by 6:10. Knowing that he lives way out in Bethesda aka "Canada," I knew he was bullshitting me.
As per usual, I arrived exactly on time and began tweeting furiously about how he was late for the third time in a row. The combination of annoyance and wishing I'd rather be with Mr. Navy put me in a slight funk until 6:20 when Dr. Nutrition showed up looking gorgeous and absolutely apologetic. As it turns out, he'd gotten some bad news at work and needed some time to process it before heading out to our date. I totally can understand that--and honestly had it been me, I would have considered cancelling. Or been in a funk the whole time. He was neither. Props to him.
Because we were late to sit down and we have a habit of talking rather than perusing the menu, we ended up not getting our check until close to 7:45. Shit, we were going to be late to the Kennedy Center! Now, had we been smart, we would've jumped in a cab, but we figured it wasn't that far and we could book it. Such a bad idea. I got distracted in his story-telling about a friend of a friend who had been at Dewey and got arrested for breaking and entering someone's house--and having sex on their couch! Dr. Nutrition said, "She's not just a burglar. She's a fuckburglar!" Hilarious.
It was around that time that we realized we were walking down the wrong fucking street. By the time we backtracked, found the Kennedy Center, found the super secret place where our free tickets were, and made our way to the theater, it was 8:30. In the elevator up to the terrace level, he looked so sad and apologetic that I decided to make the move this time and gave him a kiss. (The kissing this time around was much better than last time.) I said, "No worries, everything is fine." He was a lot more relaxed after that.
As it turned out, we hadn't missed too much, and it ended up being a fun night despite the two rounds of tardiness. And, we are beginning to get more comfortable with each other. Despite my thinking I'm totally infatuated with Mr. Navy (which I am at least to a point), the truth is that I am really feeling Dr. Nutrition, too. I've never been in this position of liking two guys at the same time, and I'm wondering how long it can last. But, seeing as how it's not a problem right now, I won't think about it too much.
We have our fourth date planned for Tuesday. This time I'm heading to "Canada." Wish me luck.
Just as soon as I'd begun celebrating my flirting victory, I realized that I had to get showered and ready for my third date with Dr. Nutrition. We had plans to have dinner at 6 in Foggy Bottom, giving us plenty of time to get over to the Kennedy Center to pick up our free tickets. Or so I thought. At about 5:45 I got a text from Dr. Nutrition that once again he's running late, but he promises to be there by 6:10. Knowing that he lives way out in Bethesda aka "Canada," I knew he was bullshitting me.
As per usual, I arrived exactly on time and began tweeting furiously about how he was late for the third time in a row. The combination of annoyance and wishing I'd rather be with Mr. Navy put me in a slight funk until 6:20 when Dr. Nutrition showed up looking gorgeous and absolutely apologetic. As it turns out, he'd gotten some bad news at work and needed some time to process it before heading out to our date. I totally can understand that--and honestly had it been me, I would have considered cancelling. Or been in a funk the whole time. He was neither. Props to him.
Because we were late to sit down and we have a habit of talking rather than perusing the menu, we ended up not getting our check until close to 7:45. Shit, we were going to be late to the Kennedy Center! Now, had we been smart, we would've jumped in a cab, but we figured it wasn't that far and we could book it. Such a bad idea. I got distracted in his story-telling about a friend of a friend who had been at Dewey and got arrested for breaking and entering someone's house--and having sex on their couch! Dr. Nutrition said, "She's not just a burglar. She's a fuckburglar!" Hilarious.
It was around that time that we realized we were walking down the wrong fucking street. By the time we backtracked, found the Kennedy Center, found the super secret place where our free tickets were, and made our way to the theater, it was 8:30. In the elevator up to the terrace level, he looked so sad and apologetic that I decided to make the move this time and gave him a kiss. (The kissing this time around was much better than last time.) I said, "No worries, everything is fine." He was a lot more relaxed after that.
As it turned out, we hadn't missed too much, and it ended up being a fun night despite the two rounds of tardiness. And, we are beginning to get more comfortable with each other. Despite my thinking I'm totally infatuated with Mr. Navy (which I am at least to a point), the truth is that I am really feeling Dr. Nutrition, too. I've never been in this position of liking two guys at the same time, and I'm wondering how long it can last. But, seeing as how it's not a problem right now, I won't think about it too much.
We have our fourth date planned for Tuesday. This time I'm heading to "Canada." Wish me luck.
How Can I Keep from Swooning?
Happy (almost) Labor Day weekend, everyone! I'm giving Earl the finger and heading to Delaware (who knew they have beaches?) with friends. Probably will be drinking and carousing too much to blog, but you never know. Hope you all have fun things planned!
Before I go, I had to share my morning moment of swoon. Dr. Nutrition and I made plans for dinner on Thursday this coming week (a night that I had already sort of promised to another date and then had to back out of...oops). I was already excited about that, but then this morning I get an email from him saying, "Hey, remember when I mentioned that my neighbor ushers at the Kennedy Center? She offered me tickets for a performance this Thursday, so instead of meeting just for dinner, how about dinner and a show?"
*SWOON*
This guy is good. What kind of crazy connection is this! Not only does his neighbor get free tickets, but she is willing to give them away to this guy. Wow. I am impressed.
Before I go, I had to share my morning moment of swoon. Dr. Nutrition and I made plans for dinner on Thursday this coming week (a night that I had already sort of promised to another date and then had to back out of...oops). I was already excited about that, but then this morning I get an email from him saying, "Hey, remember when I mentioned that my neighbor ushers at the Kennedy Center? She offered me tickets for a performance this Thursday, so instead of meeting just for dinner, how about dinner and a show?"
*SWOON*
This guy is good. What kind of crazy connection is this! Not only does his neighbor get free tickets, but she is willing to give them away to this guy. Wow. I am impressed.
Enjoying the Awkwardness...Er, Newness
There's no getting around the initial awkwardness of a first date with a person you've never met before. No matter how much "e-chemistry" you might think you have with an online match, it may or may not be there when you meet in person. Yesterday I had a date with Mr. Civics Teacher, who had made me laugh like a maniac on e-mail and even on the phone. But in person, there was really nothing there. Thankfully we were able to cut it short, using my truly sore throat as an excuse to head home before it got dark.
All of this sitting in awkwardness (and with Dr. Nutrition at least, feeling some butterflies and giddiness, too) has got me thinking a lot about the comfort I had with SCL. Sometimes I think I want him back--but what I really want is familiarity. With familiarity, there's less vulnerability, less fear, and less unknown. There is less risk involved. I think in my mini-freak-out on Monday, that's what was going on. I didn't know this man next to me. What is lurking under his positive exterior? What secrets is he keeping? What will the process of getting to know him be like?
The truth is yes, SCL and I did have familiarity. We did know one another. But, oh yeah, I was miserable. And that familiarity had nothing to do with him in particular. It had to do with the time we'd spent together, memories we made, life lived over time. I can and will have that again with someone else.
When I let myself feel what I'm feeling, I realize that despite the unknown, I want to keep doing this--keep meeting new people, have some so-so dates, have some potentially awesome ones, but regardless, I want to keep putting myself out there. It is risky and scary, but I also have already met some great people--and Dr. Nutrition and I are scheduling our third date! I'm glad I don't have the option of staying in that miserable familiarity. I'm glad that I've found the strength to put myself out there, to give myself another chance to connect with another person.
A little awkwardness never killed anyone, right?
All of this sitting in awkwardness (and with Dr. Nutrition at least, feeling some butterflies and giddiness, too) has got me thinking a lot about the comfort I had with SCL. Sometimes I think I want him back--but what I really want is familiarity. With familiarity, there's less vulnerability, less fear, and less unknown. There is less risk involved. I think in my mini-freak-out on Monday, that's what was going on. I didn't know this man next to me. What is lurking under his positive exterior? What secrets is he keeping? What will the process of getting to know him be like?
The truth is yes, SCL and I did have familiarity. We did know one another. But, oh yeah, I was miserable. And that familiarity had nothing to do with him in particular. It had to do with the time we'd spent together, memories we made, life lived over time. I can and will have that again with someone else.
When I let myself feel what I'm feeling, I realize that despite the unknown, I want to keep doing this--keep meeting new people, have some so-so dates, have some potentially awesome ones, but regardless, I want to keep putting myself out there. It is risky and scary, but I also have already met some great people--and Dr. Nutrition and I are scheduling our third date! I'm glad I don't have the option of staying in that miserable familiarity. I'm glad that I've found the strength to put myself out there, to give myself another chance to connect with another person.
A little awkwardness never killed anyone, right?
Sunset at the Kennedy Center: Second Date with Dr. Nutrition
Last night was my second date with Dr. Nutrition. He sent me an e-mail last Friday (just under 24 hours after our first date) asking if I'd like to go to the Kennedy Center or Jazz in the Garden...or both. Two date options! I was impressed. But with my busy social calendar and my plans to go out of town for Labor Day, yesterday was the only night that worked for me.
There are so many awesome things to do in DC that are free--and I don't mean just museums. Every day the Kennedy Center has a free concert that's open to the public. Dr. Nutrition had been there a few times before, and apparently they bring in pretty big names. If you're in DC (or visiting), check it out!
The concert itself was pretty great. The only thing about it was it was difficult to talk during it, and kind of like seeing a movie with a date, there's a lot of sitting there next to each other not interacting. We exchanged a couple of funny observations, like how the lead singer was playing a guitar but we couldn't hear the sound and how the keyboardist would oddly interject a few lyrics at random times. The sitting next to each other but not talking proved to be not a good thing for this reason: I started to panic. Thoughts of "WTF am I doing?" and memories of SCL were swarming in my head--everything from, "I feel so uncomfortable being with a new guy" to "The last time I came to the Kennedy Center was with SCL" and "Oh god, I'm going to vomit." I don't know what came over me, but I was feeling anxious and was thinking of excuses to bolt.
But, I'm trying to remember that thoughts usually pass--just like emotions come and go, the things in our head come and go. Rather than believing every little thing I think, I try to acknowledge the thought and then drop it. By the end of the concert, I felt much calmer and more open to spending time with my date.
We ended up spending three hours on the rooftop terrace of the Center, which has a fantastic view of Georgetown. It was really quite beautiful, especially as the sun went down. Unlike the last date, this time I felt like we were in more of a dialog, and I felt more and more comfortable with him. I can't get over how self-aware and positive he is--it's such a change to talk with someone who knows what he wants and is excited about the journey. And it doesn't hurt that he's also really, really cute.
We talked about online dating--and how it's difficult on the one hand to say, "Love will happen when it happens" and being intentional about kind of looking for it. Ultimately it's about expectations--being open but not insistent that things must go a certain way. For someone like me, who tends to fall fast and hard, it's a good thing for me to be slowing down and not jumping to conclusions.
But, I think what really got me and made me swoon a little bit was when we were talking about how we choose whom to contact on dating sites. He said, "The pictures are really important to me. Most people talk about the importance of a person's smile. But I look at the eyes. I look for light, for exuberance. People can fake a smile, but the eyes reveal something deeper." *swoon*
We kissed not long after that. My first thought was, "This is nice, but different from kissing SCL. It feels sort of weird." Seeing as how I haven't kissed anyone else in two years, I guess that's probably not an abnormal thought. But despite the initial weirdness, there was a great energy between us.
At that point it was 10 PM and we both had to head home. It wasn't until I got on my Metro car that I realized we never ate dinner! I guess that's what good conversation can do to a person. I think it's safe to say a third day is on the horizon, and I'm really looking forward to it.
There are so many awesome things to do in DC that are free--and I don't mean just museums. Every day the Kennedy Center has a free concert that's open to the public. Dr. Nutrition had been there a few times before, and apparently they bring in pretty big names. If you're in DC (or visiting), check it out!
The concert itself was pretty great. The only thing about it was it was difficult to talk during it, and kind of like seeing a movie with a date, there's a lot of sitting there next to each other not interacting. We exchanged a couple of funny observations, like how the lead singer was playing a guitar but we couldn't hear the sound and how the keyboardist would oddly interject a few lyrics at random times. The sitting next to each other but not talking proved to be not a good thing for this reason: I started to panic. Thoughts of "WTF am I doing?" and memories of SCL were swarming in my head--everything from, "I feel so uncomfortable being with a new guy" to "The last time I came to the Kennedy Center was with SCL" and "Oh god, I'm going to vomit." I don't know what came over me, but I was feeling anxious and was thinking of excuses to bolt.
But, I'm trying to remember that thoughts usually pass--just like emotions come and go, the things in our head come and go. Rather than believing every little thing I think, I try to acknowledge the thought and then drop it. By the end of the concert, I felt much calmer and more open to spending time with my date.
We ended up spending three hours on the rooftop terrace of the Center, which has a fantastic view of Georgetown. It was really quite beautiful, especially as the sun went down. Unlike the last date, this time I felt like we were in more of a dialog, and I felt more and more comfortable with him. I can't get over how self-aware and positive he is--it's such a change to talk with someone who knows what he wants and is excited about the journey. And it doesn't hurt that he's also really, really cute.
We talked about online dating--and how it's difficult on the one hand to say, "Love will happen when it happens" and being intentional about kind of looking for it. Ultimately it's about expectations--being open but not insistent that things must go a certain way. For someone like me, who tends to fall fast and hard, it's a good thing for me to be slowing down and not jumping to conclusions.
But, I think what really got me and made me swoon a little bit was when we were talking about how we choose whom to contact on dating sites. He said, "The pictures are really important to me. Most people talk about the importance of a person's smile. But I look at the eyes. I look for light, for exuberance. People can fake a smile, but the eyes reveal something deeper." *swoon*
We kissed not long after that. My first thought was, "This is nice, but different from kissing SCL. It feels sort of weird." Seeing as how I haven't kissed anyone else in two years, I guess that's probably not an abnormal thought. But despite the initial weirdness, there was a great energy between us.
At that point it was 10 PM and we both had to head home. It wasn't until I got on my Metro car that I realized we never ate dinner! I guess that's what good conversation can do to a person. I think it's safe to say a third day is on the horizon, and I'm really looking forward to it.
On Second Thought...After some Franzia and Frankness
I have a feeling it's going to take me some time to get used to this whole casual dating thing. I'm afraid that yesterday's post mostly highlighted Dr. Nutrition's own brand of type-A-ness and left out a lot of the good parts. In fact, I had forgotten a lot of the good parts about the date until I started talking with Katie and my friend B.
Katie had a shit day at work, but even so, she shared her box of Franzia wine with me. I told her about how I'd felt not very special during the date because Dr. Nutrition seemed so accomplished. "Fuck, you get flown all over the country to give talks!, "she said, a couple of glasses into the box o' wine. She said maybe I was committing a form of self-sabotage--that because it's only been a month since the breakup that I feel I'm not supposed to be ready to date again, so maybe I'm telling myself that I'm not good enough for this new guy. It's a pretty fucked up way of thinking.
I think she's right. I did feel some insecurity and held back talking about myself a lot (it did help that he talked a lot). I'm not sure how to say to myself, "Just be confident," but I think next time I'll be more aware of the voices in my head, telling me I suck or have nothing interesting to say. Little bitch voices, get the fuck out of my head!
Katie told me to text him I'd had a good time and see what happens. So, I did just that--said thanks for the dinner, that I'd had fun, have a good weekend, etc. I figured it couldn't hurt to let him know that I'd enjoyed myself and would be open to another date. So, when I walked home from Katie's and realized he'd sent me an email inviting me on not one but TWO dates for next week, I was beaming. We're going out on Monday.
Later yesterday evening, I was with my friend B, driving to Old Town and I started rehashing some of the date and realized in talking about it that it really had gone a lot better than I initially thought. We connected on a lot of levels and have more than just surface-level interests in common. Once I quit with the self-sabotage talk, I could see things differently. I'm looking forward to Monday, hopefully with a much different attitude on my part.
Katie had a shit day at work, but even so, she shared her box of Franzia wine with me. I told her about how I'd felt not very special during the date because Dr. Nutrition seemed so accomplished. "Fuck, you get flown all over the country to give talks!, "she said, a couple of glasses into the box o' wine. She said maybe I was committing a form of self-sabotage--that because it's only been a month since the breakup that I feel I'm not supposed to be ready to date again, so maybe I'm telling myself that I'm not good enough for this new guy. It's a pretty fucked up way of thinking.
I think she's right. I did feel some insecurity and held back talking about myself a lot (it did help that he talked a lot). I'm not sure how to say to myself, "Just be confident," but I think next time I'll be more aware of the voices in my head, telling me I suck or have nothing interesting to say. Little bitch voices, get the fuck out of my head!
Katie told me to text him I'd had a good time and see what happens. So, I did just that--said thanks for the dinner, that I'd had fun, have a good weekend, etc. I figured it couldn't hurt to let him know that I'd enjoyed myself and would be open to another date. So, when I walked home from Katie's and realized he'd sent me an email inviting me on not one but TWO dates for next week, I was beaming. We're going out on Monday.
Later yesterday evening, I was with my friend B, driving to Old Town and I started rehashing some of the date and realized in talking about it that it really had gone a lot better than I initially thought. We connected on a lot of levels and have more than just surface-level interests in common. Once I quit with the self-sabotage talk, I could see things differently. I'm looking forward to Monday, hopefully with a much different attitude on my part.
Falafel and Fitness: My date with Dr. Nutrition
You may remember from the first breakup that I joined OkCupid on a whim, mostly for my own ego boost. I talked with a few people, but never went out on any dates. Then SCL and I were back together and so on and so on...
But, I never closed my account. Maybe that was my gut saying "Keep your eyes open, sweetie." Back in April, I got a message that said, "I love Georgia. What part are you from?" I have a tender spot for those who appreciate my home state, so we chatted back and forth, nothing serious. But, then once I found myself suddenly single (and indicated as such on my profile), he asked if I wanted to meet, and we set up a time for after my vacation.
We met in Dupont. First impressions: tall, buff, handsome, same eye color as me (dark hazel), and a great smile. He'd told me he had a "place in mind" to go, but then he just gave a vague "let's sit outside." So we ended up at Le Pain Quotidien, which just happened to be the first place we saw with outdoor seating. And my roommate works there. Not exactly an ideal place for just having a drink, but it was fine. We had a very sweet waiter who was patient with us, even though Dr. Nutrition didn't even glance at his menu for at least thirty minutes.
Dr. Nutrition got his PhD in his mid-20s and now works for the National Institutes of Health. He's super fit (runs marathons, does triathlons, is a big yoga buff, etc.) and super positive. He has a very personal trainer-type personality. I could see why he does what he does--he could encourage anyone with his bright eyes and positive energy.
He did talk a lot--not really about himself and not in an egotistical way, but he's definitely a storyteller. I could tell he's had a ton of amazing experiences and is always seeking new opportunities to learn and grow. He was very interesting, but I kept wondering, "When is he going to realize that I haven't shared really anything about myself?" I sipped my one glass of wine which gave me a slight buzz, so I decided against a second glass.
Honestly, I couldn't tell how he was feeling about me at all. Was this just a friend thing? Or a date thing? I ended up paying for my drink, which gave me a "friend thing" vibe. Damn.
We walked toward the Metro, and I was fully prepared just to head home. But then he said, "I'm hungry. Do you want to get some dinner?" Sure, why not? It was 9:30 at that point, and I was pretty famished. We headed to Maoz Vegetarian for the most delicious falafel I've had in a long time. He cracked me up though--he had a folder of his LivingSocial vouchers, with a top sheet listing them all by expiration date. Type-A, much?
As we ate our delicious falafel outside, things got a lot better conversation-wise. I told him about my family and my work, how I hope to travel to the Middle East and Africa next summer through work. He seemed genuinely interested in me and even joked about how he'd talked so much--and that he usually doesn't do that. "Sure, that's what you tell everyone," I said. I felt like I could tease him a bit about his neurosis and his overachieving personality. I'm used to that--I went to Yale.
But, there is something annoying about being around someone who has done and experienced so much that I felt like I had nothing new to add. There weren't many experiences I shared that he hadn't had his hand in at some point. I think he's just a really passionate person and has a lot of interests, but I ended up feeling kind of unspecial, I guess? I don't think of myself as boring at all, but he was sort of overwhelming in all of his interests, passions, and experiences. I sort of felt like I hadn't done much in comparison. Probably this is just my own insecurity that I need to get over.
So, all in all it was a decent date. It actually was pretty fun--talked for almost five hours. We parted at the Metro with a hug (no kiss) and I told him I'd had fun. I'm not sure if I have strong feelings either way about having a second date, so we'll see how it goes. But most of all, I'm just proud of myself for putting myself out there. And it's good to know there are some really nice, quality guys out there. Well, at least one.
But, I never closed my account. Maybe that was my gut saying "Keep your eyes open, sweetie." Back in April, I got a message that said, "I love Georgia. What part are you from?" I have a tender spot for those who appreciate my home state, so we chatted back and forth, nothing serious. But, then once I found myself suddenly single (and indicated as such on my profile), he asked if I wanted to meet, and we set up a time for after my vacation.
We met in Dupont. First impressions: tall, buff, handsome, same eye color as me (dark hazel), and a great smile. He'd told me he had a "place in mind" to go, but then he just gave a vague "let's sit outside." So we ended up at Le Pain Quotidien, which just happened to be the first place we saw with outdoor seating. And my roommate works there. Not exactly an ideal place for just having a drink, but it was fine. We had a very sweet waiter who was patient with us, even though Dr. Nutrition didn't even glance at his menu for at least thirty minutes.
Dr. Nutrition got his PhD in his mid-20s and now works for the National Institutes of Health. He's super fit (runs marathons, does triathlons, is a big yoga buff, etc.) and super positive. He has a very personal trainer-type personality. I could see why he does what he does--he could encourage anyone with his bright eyes and positive energy.
He did talk a lot--not really about himself and not in an egotistical way, but he's definitely a storyteller. I could tell he's had a ton of amazing experiences and is always seeking new opportunities to learn and grow. He was very interesting, but I kept wondering, "When is he going to realize that I haven't shared really anything about myself?" I sipped my one glass of wine which gave me a slight buzz, so I decided against a second glass.
Honestly, I couldn't tell how he was feeling about me at all. Was this just a friend thing? Or a date thing? I ended up paying for my drink, which gave me a "friend thing" vibe. Damn.
We walked toward the Metro, and I was fully prepared just to head home. But then he said, "I'm hungry. Do you want to get some dinner?" Sure, why not? It was 9:30 at that point, and I was pretty famished. We headed to Maoz Vegetarian for the most delicious falafel I've had in a long time. He cracked me up though--he had a folder of his LivingSocial vouchers, with a top sheet listing them all by expiration date. Type-A, much?
As we ate our delicious falafel outside, things got a lot better conversation-wise. I told him about my family and my work, how I hope to travel to the Middle East and Africa next summer through work. He seemed genuinely interested in me and even joked about how he'd talked so much--and that he usually doesn't do that. "Sure, that's what you tell everyone," I said. I felt like I could tease him a bit about his neurosis and his overachieving personality. I'm used to that--I went to Yale.
But, there is something annoying about being around someone who has done and experienced so much that I felt like I had nothing new to add. There weren't many experiences I shared that he hadn't had his hand in at some point. I think he's just a really passionate person and has a lot of interests, but I ended up feeling kind of unspecial, I guess? I don't think of myself as boring at all, but he was sort of overwhelming in all of his interests, passions, and experiences. I sort of felt like I hadn't done much in comparison. Probably this is just my own insecurity that I need to get over.
So, all in all it was a decent date. It actually was pretty fun--talked for almost five hours. We parted at the Metro with a hug (no kiss) and I told him I'd had fun. I'm not sure if I have strong feelings either way about having a second date, so we'll see how it goes. But most of all, I'm just proud of myself for putting myself out there. And it's good to know there are some really nice, quality guys out there. Well, at least one.
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