SCL and I are done. Again. I couldn't bring myself to blog about it right away, mostly because I feel absolutely humiliated and heart-broken. How could this be happening again?
Things between us had been off for several days. I felt SCL was being particularly distant and wouldn't make plans with me, even when I offered to buy us tickets to see Avenue Q. We did agree to spend Thursday evening together. I felt nervous about it, so I thought I'd put some extra effort into looking cute. I even told my hairdresser to give me a sexy look for the night. Of course SCL didn't even notice my hair.
The evening began normally enough. SCL made us pizza, we watched True Blood, and we debated whether to eat the last pint of Ben and Jerry's I bought then or later. Then we ended up downstairs in his room, talking. He seemed distant and upset, so of course I asked him what was up. He complained about work--that he felt like he wasn't going to get in done in time. But that kind of normal-life stress couldn't possibly be the reason for his being so down.
So, I said, "It seems like something else is bothering you." And then it came. Damnit. He said that he felt upset--no, uneasy about us. He said he still felt like he had no clarity about the situation with me--and that he wasn't sure how he felt about me. He did say, however, "I've gotten used to not seeing you every day." I'm not sure that was really a necessary thing to say. All it did was make me feel like shit.
But I'm trying to practice this Buddhist stuff of accepting my feelings as they came and not reacting out in anger, so instead I just continued to ask questions and listen. He wouldn't look at me when he talked, only when he finished a sentence would he look my way, I suppose to gauge my reaction.
Then the words finally came out, "There's a big part of me that doesn't want to do this anymore."
Just typing those words right now are making me bawl. I am sitting at my damn computer, hardly able to see through the tears what I'm even typing. It just hurt me so much to hear him say it again. All I could say to him was that I had tried so hard, had tried everything to be there for him and give him what he told me he needed. I had allowed him to dictate the relationship and what he was willing to give, and I really, really tried to be patient with him as hard as it was. And here he was telling me, "I'm tired of feeling uncertain about things."
I was tired of it, too. But I wasn't about to give up on him. I guess he gave out first. He couldn't handle trudging through the uncertainty. That is his choice.
I resisted his words so much. I asked him, "What about a few weeks ago in the apartment when you said you could envision a future with me? What happened to that?"
Nothing could have prepared me for this. "I can envision a future with you, and I don't think that's what I want."
This will go down as the meanest thing anyone has said to me. Period. To have the person I love, whom I've tried to love to the very best of my ability, say "I've considered what life would be like with you, and I am rejecting that future together" has got to be the biggest personal insult I have received. It says, "You aren't enough. Your love isn't enough to make me happy." I hate him for saying that. I wish he'd thought about how that would sound and whether he felt it or not, found another way to say it.
I knew that this was the end. I started hyperventilating. I couldn't breathe. I felt like something had taken over my body--like I was having a panic attack. But eventually I calmed down. I looked at him and said, "I hope you find happiness." A few minutes later I said, "I love you very much." He said nothing.
I managed to get up, go find my shoes, and walk out the door, never looking at him and not saying another word. And then I fell apart.