My News



SCL and I are done. Again. I couldn't bring myself to blog about it right away, mostly because I feel absolutely humiliated and heart-broken. How could this be happening again?

Things between us had been off for several days. I felt SCL was being particularly distant and wouldn't make plans with me, even when I offered to buy us tickets to see Avenue Q. We did agree to spend Thursday evening together. I felt nervous about it, so I thought I'd put some extra effort into looking cute. I even told my hairdresser to give me a sexy look for the night. Of course SCL didn't even notice my hair.

The evening began normally enough. SCL made us pizza, we watched True Blood, and we debated whether to eat the last pint of Ben and Jerry's I bought then or later. Then we ended up downstairs in his room, talking. He seemed distant and upset, so of course I asked him what was up. He complained about work--that he felt like he wasn't going to get in done in time. But that kind of normal-life stress couldn't possibly be the reason for his being so down.

So, I said, "It seems like something else is bothering you." And then it came. Damnit. He said that he felt upset--no, uneasy about us. He said he still felt like he had no clarity about the situation with me--and that he wasn't sure how he felt about me. He did say, however, "I've gotten used to not seeing you every day." I'm not sure that was really a necessary thing to say. All it did was make me feel like shit.

But I'm trying to practice this Buddhist stuff of accepting my feelings as they came and not reacting out in anger, so instead I just continued to ask questions and listen. He wouldn't look at me when he talked, only when he finished a sentence would he look my way, I suppose to gauge my reaction.

Then the words finally came out, "There's a big part of me that doesn't want to do this anymore."

Just typing those words right now are making me bawl. I am sitting at my damn computer, hardly able to see through the tears what I'm even typing. It just hurt me so much to hear him say it again. All I could say to him was that I had tried so hard, had tried everything to be there for him and give him what he told me he needed. I had allowed him to dictate the relationship and what he was willing to give, and I really, really tried to be patient with him as hard as it was. And here he was telling me, "I'm tired of feeling uncertain about things."

I was tired of it, too. But I wasn't about to give up on him. I guess he gave out first. He couldn't handle trudging through the uncertainty. That is his choice.

I resisted his words so much. I asked him, "What about a few weeks ago in the apartment when you said you could envision a future with me? What happened to that?"

Nothing could have prepared me for this. "I can envision a future with you, and I don't think that's what I want." 


This will go down as the meanest thing anyone has said to me. Period. To have the person I love, whom I've tried to love to the very best of my ability, say "I've considered what life would be like with you, and I am rejecting that future together" has got to be the biggest personal insult I have received. It says, "You aren't enough. Your love isn't enough to make me happy." I hate him for saying that. I wish he'd thought about how that would sound and whether he felt it or not, found another way to say it.

I knew that this was the end. I started hyperventilating. I couldn't breathe. I felt like something had taken over my body--like I was having a panic attack. But eventually I calmed down. I looked at him and said, "I hope you find happiness." A few minutes later I said, "I love you very much." He said nothing.

I managed to get up, go find my shoes, and walk out the door, never looking at him and not saying another word. And then I fell apart.

30 comments:

  1. Oh hon. I have tears in my eyes for you. And I know how hard this must be... mostly because I went through something very similar to this.

    If you need to talk at all, my email is K.J.Hartenstein@gmail.com. Feel free.

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  2. :( I'm so sorry that he said that to you and I hope your heart heals soon. BUT, don't let his words define you. He's an ass for not realizing that you're amazing and willing to basically go through hell to make him happy. You are enough - he just is too pigheaded to realize that. It sounds like he only likes the chase, the idea of being with you and just doesn't want to put in the work that it takes to make relationships work.

    I'm sorry :(

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  3. i wish i had the magic words to make it all better. just know that i'm sending hugs and love.

    and that you deserve more. so much more.

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  4. Oh I am sorry :-) No words I could possibly utter would help reduce your pain, but sending you lots and lots of positive thoughts *hugs*

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  5. I am so very sorry to hear about this.

    I wish all the best for you.

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  6. This is the first time I stop by your blog, but I can't tell you how much your situation feels familiar to me. I'm sorry to hear about it and I hope that you find your ways of dealing with it all. :)

    Lorraine

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  7. The meanest things said to me were also by the person who meant the most to me. I am going through a devastating break-up too. I don't know if it means anything to you, but I felt exactly the same...just this much of shame, anger, humiliation and hurt. He said the meanest things to me too, things that made me feel and be worthless and insignificant in his eyes. "I don't know anymore", "To be really honest I don't know if I love you anymore", "I need a break from you", etc. Tell me too when you figure out a way to let all those feelings go!

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  8. I'm so sorry. That really, really sucks. :(

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  9. It's the worst, when you say "I love you" to someone, and they know you're expecting an answer, and they deliberately choose not to answer, knowing well enough what it would make you feel like. I said the same to him. Like a last goodbye...just so he knows that even when he has shred my heart, I still love him, and maybe that will mean something to him somewhere. He left that text message of mine unanswered.

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  10. I think the feeling of another person's numbness, silence, or distance is much, much worse than feeling their extreme anger. It makes me feel like I'm not even worth getting upset over.

    Little Miss Juicy, I'm sorry to hear you're in the same boat. We can commiserate together.

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  11. OH my goodness. I am so sorry.

    Sending love and many many hugs your way.

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  12. Oh, I am so so sorry! My heart goes out to you. I know that it hurts a lot, but I also know that you are strong and you will make it through this. Take care of yourself.
    -AT

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  13. I'm so sorry he's being an ass and doesn't realize what he's passing up on. I know it hurts because I am going through something very similar and it's very painful when the person you love isn't strong enough to work through the tough patches. Try not to feel too humiliated... he gave you very mixed signals. I know it's very difficult for you to see this right now but having hope in love and the commitment to work on a relationship are qualities of strength and are nothing to be ashamed of.

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  14. I'm so, so sorry. There was absolutely no need for him to say those things to your face.

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  15. I am so, so, so sorry, love. I can't even imagine how hard this blog post was to write because I was close to crying just reading your words.

    SCL was very ruthless with what he said and I know it would kill me to hear those words from someone I loved.

    I'm here if you need to talk. Just remember what an amazing person YOU are.

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  16. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I got an email w/you comment on my blog post this morning, and thought "second time?". Now I understand. You are going to make it through this ok, I know it. I've only been reading your blog since April but, I know you are a strong person. My thoughts are with you!

    xx,
    Delilah

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  17. Oh sweetie, I'm SO sorry. :(

    I know exactly how you feel. I was with my ex for 7 years...we were married just over a year. He had always been a wonderful, adoring BF/husband. We had a rough period...no fighting, but just distance..and out of that, he announced one night after I demanded to know what was wrong..I knew things were off...that he "didn't think he wanted to do this anymore". It really rocked my world. And to be honest with you, years later, I am still struggling with what that experience did to my view of myself and my worth. Like another poster said, please don't let it define you. I remember feeling distinctly like he looked at the sum total of who I am and said "no thanks" and there is nothing I have experienced that stings deeper than that. But, all that really says is he wasn't the right one..

    I'm so sorry, as I know you feel crushed and lost. I know that you have been feaering this for awhile now and you hung in there when things were not going the way you wanted them to. I'm sorry his heart wasn't where yours is. You can't change that for him. I know. I tried too. The only thing to do is gracefully let him go and work through why you would allow someone else to dictate your life. I think (as much as I know you love him) that he has been really wishy washy and selfish and you deserve much more than someone who would treat you this way.

    If you read other bloggers, check out Chelsea Talks Smack. She's experiencing a heartbreak too and talks about it with such raw emotion that you can feel her pain. I know when I was there it really helped to know others had been too. Know you are not alone and you will get through it. Keep posting, keep reading, and keep taking things one hour at a time...you will be ok.

    Big hugs.

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  18. I am so sorry. I felt your pain as i read your words. I hope you find the strength to get through this.

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  19. Hang in there... things will get better, I promise. And don't let him make you feel like you weren't enough. You were. You were more than enough. The issue lay within him, not you.

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  20. Wow, it’s like reliving my story allover again, my boyfriend told me in January, that he wasn’t sure what he wanted, I mean how can you have me, and not know what you want, it hurt like hell, depression, disaapointment, discouragement was my name for the succeeding six months, I wept everywhere, office, in bed, driving, everywhere, because I had all but planned our future in my head and he was this very perfect man for me, but like you know am over him, it took me 6 months and 11kg less to get over him, but am in a good place at the moment and am happy. I guess what am trying to say to you is look past the moment, cry, rage, do whatever you need to do, but I know you will be fine at the end of it all, and when you meet the perfect man, who will show you what love is about, you will look back and wonder why you were willing to settle for less.

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  21. I have not been able to read your blog until today, and was so surprised to catch up and hear about your break up.
    I am so so sorry you are going thru this, and I know how painful it is!
    And all I can say is that SCL is an insensitive a hole for letting it end like that!
    Was he going to make you eeeeek it out of him? Had he thought about your feelings at all and what this would do to you? the man has no class or dignity! It makes me angry to hear that he let his "bomb" drop (for a second time) and then sat there, and couldn't say anything to you to make you feel as if what you had was good in so many ways. And I am sure it was, but this just shows how selfish he is! That was cruel to allow you to say the L word, and then go silent.
    I am sorry if this is not making you feel better........but I am angry for you and at him.
    And yes, you deserve so much better! You are a wonderful, giving and caring person, and SCL sounds like a stone cold selfish man ........so let the feelings out. You are hurt, and it is understandable.
    But you should not let him define you, as so many others have said. You have a lot to offer, a kind and warm heart, and he did not recognize or appreciate it as he should have. Even if things don't work out, there is a kinder way of letting the other person know.
    I hope these few days have given you some clarity on the situation, and some understanding that it was not you, and you deserve someone who will make you feel wonderful and appreciated and loved! Because that is what you brought to the relationship, and it is what you should get back!
    Take care of yourself, and hugs to you!!

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  22. I am reading backwards. I wanted to just pluck you out of that situation and hug you.. and I dont even know you!

    Recently I tried to work things out with my baby daddy. (not to compare situations.. ) He had talked to me about marriage.. and two weeks later told me he had met a girl..

    When I brought up the marriage talk he said.. "well I did contimplate marrying you because it would be easier." OUCH! salt to the wounds. Guys can be idiots!

    Sending you big hugs!

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  23. Stopping by from After I Do and I have to say even though I don't know you, my hear hurts for you. I went through this a year ago and took a year off from men completely, well, mostly, and focused on me. So glad I did! I'm just now getting to the point where I'm considering dating again, and all I can say is it does get easier!

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  24. Hey, sent over here from After I Do. I'm really sorry this happened to you, and I hope you can pull through.

    My ex-fiance once told me "I wish I were with my ex instead of being with you."

    But, in my experience, someone else will come along who loves you unconditionally.

    You mention you were both uncertain... someday when you're certain about a guy, and he's certain about you, you'll be so glad you moved on from this particular relationship.

    It's always hard to see at first, but things will be great for you.

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  25. I am someone who thought that it was going to end up like this. Simply because I'm older than you and have experienced more of life (and love) because of this fact. It's just so, so rare when a couple can put things back together after living together and then apart. It's just very difficult and most are unable. So, yes, I thought this was going to be the eventual outcome. Nonetheless, I am so sorry he had to be such a consummate fuckwit in the end. Not surprised at all, but still so sorry you had to experience it. I know you loved him, but I have to say that this guy lacks some core, basic empathy.

    You will get over this. I promise! You have to go through the process, but I just know that you will come out of this a better, stronger and secure woman.

    Sorry he was such a shithead. I say, "good riddance, asshole", but I know you're not at that place yet. But you will be one day.

    Hugs to you.

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  26. I follow your blog, but don't comment. I just had to say a few things. First off, I truly am sorry you're going through this. It hurts when a relationship ends. And I know that there are things you don't want to hear and won't post, and I'm probably going to be one of them, but I hope that you'll at least pay attention to what I'm saying whether it hits a nerve or not. Because oftentimes the things we least like to hear are the things we should hear!

    After following your blog for some time now, I have to say that I am not in the least bit surprised that things turned out the way they have. I predicted it from the beginning of your posts where he started to go south. I could see break-up coming a mile away. I'm a little surprised, I must admit, that you are so surprised. This guy has been demonstrating "I don't really want to be in a relationship with you anymore" behavior for a few months. But you love him and you trusted him, and sometimes that blinds us to what is really going on. None of this is your fault!!!!! NONE! Do you hear me? You were a loving, caring and accommodating girlfriend. To a fault. I could read through post after post after post that you were trying so desperately hard to adjust to HIS problems, in the hopes that it would make everything alright. The problem is that NOTHING you did could make everything alright. Because the problem is not yours...it's his and his inability to truly commit to you. Who knows why. Maybe he doesn't really love you. Not in the ways that really count. Maybe he's too overwhelmed with working toward his PhD to have the emotional energy or time to devote to the relationship. Maybe he hasn't gotten over the ex-girlfriend and is secretly pining for her. Maybe you're just not "the one" for him even though he is the one for you. It could be one of these or all of these, and I guess it really doesn't matter. What does matter is the fact that now it is time for you to move on. I can't stress this enough. I don't care if he comes to you on his hands and knees begging you for forgiveness and to take him back. I truly believe that he would do this again. Because he's been breaking up with you on the installment plan. Probably to spare you, so I give him a little credit for that. Nobody truly wants to hurt another unless they're a sociopath.

    Girrrl...this is so NOT a big deal. It is not the end of the world. I know it feels like that. I know that food has no taste right now, fun feels forced and you want to cry your eyes out. Do it! Get it all out of you, and then pick yourself up and move on emotionally. That isn't to say that this is easy or fast. But do it you must. The best revenge is living well. And the best way to get over it is definitely NOT to go fishing for a replacement. Not yet. Which isn't to say that you couldn't be walking down the street, or in the grocery, or at work or on an airplane all of a sudden meet someone who will make SCL look like small change in comparison. I'm just saying I wouldn't make it a priority right now. Have some fun! You mentioned possibly moving closer to your family. Hey, I say do it! If you can do your job from anywhere, why not live near your Mom, whom you seem to have a wonderful relationship with? I just lost my Mom 5 months ago, and I would give anything to be able to see her right now. But do it for the right reasons....because you really would like to live there...and not as a geographical cure to your pain.

    You'll get over this. One day at a time. You gave it a shot, surely you learned a lot, and now it's time to give the whole idea of this guy a proper burial.

    I'm sorry for your pain.

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  27. Anon, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom.

    But, do you really think anything you're saying hear isn't something I've already thought/been told/felt a million times? And do you really think hearing you say it makes it any easier to swallow? It doesn't.

    Why do you feel compelled to write this? What do you hope to gain from it?

    Do not dimiss my pain. I would never do that to anyone.

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  28. Hon, I'm not dismissing your pain. I'm giving you a pep talk! That's what I meant when I said that sometimes the things we need to hear aren't necessarily the things we want to hear. No, I'm not dismissing your pain. I KNOW you feel bad. I know it hurts like hell. But let me tell you something....he is just so NOT worth it.

    I felt compelled to write it because don't you think you've given this guy enough of your tears? He started to go south when? I can't remember what month it was, and I don't really want to go back and find it right now, but before the summer, for sure. Enough! He's put you through the wringer, and I want you to get mad as hell and not take it anymore (Ever seen the movie "Network"? I stole that line.). You are FAR too smart, funny, classy and awesome to give this guy one more minute of your time. He doesn't deserve it. If everything went down the way you said it did in your blog (and I believe it did), you gave this guy no reason whatsoever to go south. In all honesty, it sounds like he wasn't being straight with you from the beginning. Because it just doesn't make sense. It's not like you guys started fighting all the time and things just eroded to this point. He just up and decided that he didn't want to make a committment. When in fact, what did he think he was doing when he moved there with you? When he talked marriage? I want you to get mad as hell, close the door and then lock it. Because I can totally see him coming back around when he gets lonesome or whatever, and for your sake, God I hope you would never let him back in again. Because I also believe he would do it again.

    If I were there in person, I'd be the one storming into your room, handing you a tissue and saying, "Up and at 'em soldier! We're going out and doing something fun today, and we're NOT going to give SCL one single brain cell!!!!" Don't read more into it then is there. I'm on your side, kiddo. You've got plenty of people on here that will hold your hand, but I'm just the one to kick your butt and say to hell with him! Whether you realize this or not, we all need that, too.

    Thank you for the condolences. Hey...if I can make it through losing my beloved mother just five months ago, and I was holding her hand and telling her I loved her when she died, believe me, you can make it through this. You can and you will.

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  29. i know i'm a bajillion years late in responding to this post, and i hope that responding to it doesn't open up any starting-to-heal wounds, but i just had too. Sweetie, I am so sorry. Reading this literally made me cry- all the old crap that happened to me when the Ex and I ended (after he cheated on me and the like) just welled back up into my mind. I completely know where you are right now, and it sucks.

    But trust me on this, it will suck less and less every day. And in time you will realize just how much better, more free and full of opportunity your life is. You will realize how much you let him dictate who you were, and you will realize that true happiness and true love means finding someone who allows you to be who you are naturally, not who they want you to be. Every day you will smile more and you will cry less. But that takes time, and the hurting now sucks.

    So if you need anything, you let me know. Okay?

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