I wish I had something brilliant to say about being in the middle of this, but today I got nothing. I'm drained. This morning I had a bunch of issues with my bike and tried to fix them myself, which I thought I'd done successfully until I was having to exert abnormal amounts of energy to get from A to B. On my way back, as I rode on the side of the busy street, I was going so slowly and my legs were burning so much that I started bawling. I almost biked over to SCL's for him to help me, but somehow I managed to pass his street and get home, tears streaming down my face all the way.
I cried, "What's happened to me?" Since when did a tight bike chain cause me not just to get frustrated, but to start crying and hyperventilating? I am a mess. A big fucking mess with unpredictable emotions and these outbursts that verge on psychotic. I feel like something's wrong with me.
I can't tell if something is actually wrong with me or if I'm just feeling bad and therefore want to diagnose myself. I know from my Buddhist reading and podcasts that thinking something is wrong with me is common for most people and is part of our unhappiness and wanting things to be different. Blah blah blah. So not helpful to me in this moment.
But sometimes things really are wrong with us. How do we know the difference?
Oh hon. It sounds like you're just stressed. I mean, hell, if Dustin disappeared tomorrow I'd probably be in trouble. The first time ANYTHING went wrong with my computer I'd probably lose my damn mind.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard when you're used to having someone around that does certain things that make your life easier and then suddenly they're not there.
Maybe try to look up online how to fix what you need to fix on your bike?
Thank God for the Internet, right? Thanks for making me less psychotic. I'm sure I can figure this out. For now I'm going to just drive!
ReplyDeleteSo, today, I full-out cried at the grocery store about the fact my brother & I are still on the outs. If one was to hear the conversation I had with my mom, they would think I was having a fight with my boyfriend! Ha. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's stress, like Krysten said. Sometimes, it'll take something small to either remind you of him, or just throw you for a loop and it causes a major freak-out that otherwise wouldn't have happened.
Keep your head up girl! I was dumped recently after a much shorter relationship but I still understand your pain. You kick that bike chain's ass!
ReplyDeletethat's exactly how i was after breakups... so either you're normal, or i was (am?) just as fucked up too. i remember the pain.....
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ooh i know how that feels!! my bike breaks down sometimes too and it is SO frustrating.
ReplyDeletewhen i feel that crummy, i just tell myself to give it a week and to see how i feel then. sista, you deserve a big ice cream cone!!
Speaking of things being wrong......I was re-reading some of your old stuff on your blog regarding SCL's "strange behavior" (as I see it anyway)......for example......just to mention a few things.....his WAY of breaking up with you (not very caring or tender; kind of void of emotion), the way he would come into your apartment after work, even after your break up and 2nd go around, and NOT greet you. but go into another room and start doing his own thing.(this is very strange from a BF, esp one who was trying to change and show he cared about you), asking for half of his "investment cash" back for the couch you bought for the apartment.....
ReplyDeleteAll of these things make me wonder if he was possibly a bit autistic......someone who can't fathom how his actions make another person feel. Maybe a mild form like aspergers. Have you heard of that? People with this syndrome are somewhat unable to feel what others feel, to understand the actions of their behavior and to have compassion for the other person.
Did he have other tendancies like this? It's just a thought. I have known 2 other guys with this syndrome, and SCL kind of reminds me of them in some ways.
Just wondering.........but it makes me wonder if you would ever be happy with someone who had these traits which are so cold and uncaring. You are someone who lets it out, is in touch with your feelings and emotions, and he will NEVER be. It's just who he is and how he is wired. All the therapy in the world will not change this. so I can't help but ask if you would have ever been happy with him. In the long run, wouldn't it be something that would keep you apart, make you feel as if you were never getting what you needed to feel loved and accepted?
You know what that's really interesting because my ex gf was very much just like that. Cold, insensitive, bothered by guys next door playing music or having a party (at reasonable levels.) In a way mine breakup was kinda similar to yours. I could not seem to see that she ever felt upset about it.
ReplyDeleteAnyway to change the subject. I'm a bike guy, have built a few and am always tinkering with mine to make them better. What seems to be the problem with your bike? Perhaps I could help you out :)
Yes and also always my ex needed her own space and alone time to do whatever it is she needed to do. She couldn't stand to be in crowds or with more than a few people in the room as she would get irritable. And she's also going for a PhD.
ReplyDeleteFelisha, I'm not sure if SCL if I would classify SCL as autistic, but he definitely was very cut off from his emotions, as least with me. He told he used to be a more passionate person. I'm not sure what happened to that part of him. When we first met, I mistook him for easy-going and balanced, but I saw over time that he just lacked emotion a lot of the time. He had his moments, but they were few and far between. I can't imagine not being able to emote like that.
ReplyDeleteBry-Guy, isn't it so frustrating to have a partner like that? Sometimes I just wanted to shake SCL. And I'll email about the bike. :-)
Yes it was extremely frustrating. I can't remember how many times I would have to just leave her alone after we were both done with classes for the day or how many weekends I had to spend alone because she was busy or how many parties I never went to because she needed to be asleep by some early hour. I'm an outgoing guy and after I while I just gave up. Weekends are meant to be spent enjoying the time you have together and exploring new things or just hanging out and relaxing. It got to the point where certain things that only took 30-40mins like cooking together or watching a show or whatever, she didn't have time for. :(
ReplyDeleteHere is a basic definition of Asperger's:
ReplyDeleteDefinition: Rediscovered as a diagnosis in the 1980's, Asperger Syndrome is at the high end of the autism spectrum. Individuals with Asperger Syndrome may be very bright and capable, but may also have serious difficulties with social interaction, or have unusually low tolerance for loud noise, bright lights, crowds, etc. Because it is relatively mild, Asperger Syndrome is often diagnosed in older children and even adults. It is sometimes called the "Little Professor Syndrome" or "Geek Syndrome
You do refer to SCL as a smarty pants and a geek; lol.
Did he mind loud noise and big crowds? I know he was at least looking like he was having a good time at the wedding, but perhaps this was a cover up. I think you mentioned that in general, he was not a party animal.
Anyway, it doesn't really matter....he may have had the asperger's syndrome tendancies...it was just a thought I had after reading about some of his actions, and the way he seemed able to distance himself from emotion, not look you in the eye when he was breaking up with you. Just in general, unusual and strange behavior, but not really enough to call him Asperger Syndrome.
I share this from the bottom of my joyful, weary heart...
ReplyDeleteI have loved emotionally-distant men in my life, and have also had the privilege of watching them grow up over the last 10+ years into guess what? Emotionally distant middle aged men. And I still manage to have a soft spot in my heart for one or two of them, even though I understand, even more today then I did then, that they are not or ever will be capable of loving me completely.
I don't know if this is helpful or annoying.But it is not easy to admit. And I can say that I found my happy ending in the end.
Fl Girl--not annoying at all. I think I overestimated my abilities, thinking I could be the one to help him overcome his difficulty with expressing things. Nope, I couldn't. And I beat my head against the wall for far too long.
ReplyDeleteMy counselor says that whatever we feel and are and be, so it is. There is no right or wrong way to mourn and grieve. In fact, most people (she says) don't allow themselves enough time & space to do so; afraid to give ourselves permission, but it's very natural after experiencing this kind of a loss to have awful dips. You're ok. Your bike is what's wrong! ;)
ReplyDeletemany hugs. xoxo
I really hope my therapist gets back from maternity leave soon, so she can reinforce all of this goodness.
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