Tears are like nausea. The sensation comes in waves--it surges and then dissipates. But eventually you're going to puke, so you might as well not fight it. And hell, sometimes it's better just to stick your finger down your throat and get it over with.
I have no idea how many times I've cried since Thursday, but if I had to guess, I'd say on average it's about once an hour. During the two-hour breakfast I just had with my friend A, I think I broke down at least five times, which is just embarrassing really. The mornings seem like the worst to me, though I couldn't tell you why. I think my brain functions best in the morning, and generally I spend them alone. I do my reflecting and journaling in the morning, so it makes sense that it's when I feel the shittiest. Again, just like when I'm sick, I feel the worst in the morning and then once the sun goes down.
I absolutely hate that first moment of waking up in the morning and that split second when I have forgotten about what just happened--and then it all comes surging back. Oh yeah, I'm heart-broken. Oh yeah, I'm a mess. Oh yeah, SCL rejected my love. And then there's the feeling of FML, I have to get through another fucking day of this shit.
I hate the world. I hate everyone. Nothing personal, just everyone fucking sucks right now. Especially the friends who say unhelpful things like "You'll find someone else" or "At least you had someone to love." You know what I say to them? FUCK YOU.
Speaking of which another detail of the break-up: when SCL broke up with me, he actually had the nerve to say "I know you're strong enough to get through this." You know what I say to that? FUCK YOU. You don't get to tell me who I am anymore. It just sounded like a way for him to feel less bad about hurting me, knowing eventually I'll get over it. Yeah, I'm sure I will, but that doesn't change the fact that he's what I have to get over. So yeah, SCL, please don't try to comfort me. In fact, don't say another fucking word to me.
Apparently the tears have led to rage. I can't tell which feels worse.
People tend to say a lot of really irritating and inappropriate things when dealing with someone passing away, too. In a way, the end of a relationship is a death of its own. The grieving process is the same, at least I think so.
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna send you something when I get off work today.
Huge huge hugs. Ugh, I hate this for you. But the crying gets you through it. And I know it doesn't help now but seriously, if he's going to break up with someone great like you then you're better off.
ReplyDeleteBen and Jerry's really helps.
Am I allowed to say that I'm sorry and that this sucks ass? Because I know it really really really does suck ass. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteTotally allowed, Anna. Things allowed: empathy; not saying anything; hilarious threats of violence to SCL. One friend said he'd hit him in the balls and make him a soprano for life. So ridiculous, but it did make me crack a smile.
ReplyDeleteI don't really post much on other people's blogs but I follow yours a bit and feel that perhaps you could use a virtual hug. I know exactly how you are feeling, heard the same words and felt the sadness turned to rage and the depressing road ahead of what seems like eternity. I even ran/moved 8,000 miles away to discover something new and different and to forget what seems like a past life.
ReplyDeleteI was once a Buddhist monk albeit for a very short time. From that experience I learned that the most liberating feelings come from spontaneity. Do, don't think. If you seek happiness, it will find you. But first you must free yourself.
Peace.
(Feel free to email me if you need to talk about anything. I'll be glad to help:)
Bry-Guy, I'd love to talk with you. Can you send me an email to thenonstudent (at) gmail (dot) com.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I reserve the right to reject any "I told you so comments." It gives me a little sense of control over the situation. So, if you'd like to say something like, "I saw this coming," KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.
The writing was on the wall and we were only hearing it from your side that you painted with rose colored glasses. I think when you go back and read your own words detailing the first break up and subsequent reconciliation you will see that this was a train wreck waiting to happen and this relationship wasn't going to be fixed. You were the only one trying to fix your broken relationship. He let you down nicely and just didn't have the balls to let you go the first time. He waited till you had your comingled property settled before he put the final nail in the coffin.
ReplyDeleteBreak ups suck. Focus on you and do whatever you need to get over him: cry, puke, curse, cut him out of photos, write nasty things about him on facebook.
Anon, I have added your comment to my mental list of unhelpful, "I told you so" comments. Thanks a real fucking lot!
ReplyDeleteI'm at the tail end of recovering from my last relationship which we'll just categorize under "giant mind-fuck."
ReplyDeleteIn the entire process, here's what I found not helpful:
1. My best friend's break-up mix. WTF. Might as well call it "Songs to Slit Your Wrists By."
2. Any sort of "well remember when such and such happened? Red flag!" Well, a. let's not relive memories and b. that's basically an I told you so.
3. Any form of "you can do sooo much better..." That's annoying. It's a generic sympathy phrase with little substance.
4. "Just give it time." Do I have a choice? Can I not give it time? Is there an option c?
5. Any form of telling me to stop crying, even if it's hidden in poo like "he isn't worth your tears." I wanna cry, dammit.
I'm sure this wasn't particularly helpful, either...
:)
Hey there - heard about your break up through Krysten at After I DO - So sorry to hear - it sucks big time.
ReplyDeleteI love your responses to the @ssholes like Anonymous, WTF??
Cry as much as you need to, even if you think your friends are getting tired of it, it will help with the rage that will ultimately follow. Which is better I found, when I am angry I swear...ALOT... it saves money on the Twinsaver Tissues! ;-)
Hang in there, enjoy time away with mom - funny how moms just always make us feel better! :-)