But before I do, here's a recap of the last few days. First, right after I blogged the other morning, I almost didn't make it home. There had been a huge storm the night before, throwing off everyone's travel plans, and when I got to the gate, the flight was oversold by four seats. And I didn't have a seat assignment. Shit.
So, I did the most pathetic thing imaginable. I started crying. No, more like sobbing. I begged the woman at the ticket counter, "Please, I have to get home today. I have to go to a wedding!" So, she did some magic and within a few minutes, I had a seat assignment. In the emergency exit aisle with lots of leg room. Next to a really hunky pilot. Not too shabby. And a short hour and half later, I landed.
When I saw my mom waiting for me, I immediately began sobbing for the second time that day--so much that I could barely make out her figure in the crowd. But I threw my bags down and put my arms around her neck and sobbed like a little baby for a good five minutes. I'd been holding those cries in for over a week, and finally I just got to let go and have my mom hold me. She didn't care; she wasn't embarrassed. She just said, "Let it all out, sweet girl." God, I love my mom.
There have been a lot of tears since then, too. Even though I'm home, I still feel like shit and there are still fucking reminders of SCL everywhere I look. I did do a great act of self-care by not going to the wedding I had today. (Yes, the one I cried about to get home--you got a problem with it?) I just felt like shit, and I knew I wouldn't be adding to my friend's happiness if I went. I'll tell her I got sick and send an extra-nice gift. I never do this kind of thing, but I couldn't handle it today. Plus, I'd made the effort to go to her bachelorette weekend and spend lots of time (and of course money) with her. Whatever, I'm not going to justify it anywhere. I never skip this kind of stuff. But I just felt like it was something I needed to do.
Instead my mom and I spent the day looking for new clothes for me. She spent a somewhat obscene amount of money on me, which I resisted at first until I realized how much she'd been looking forward to shopping together. I realized that I haven't felt beautiful in months, and hell, that needs to change immediately. I'm never going to get past this if I don't start feeling good about myself again.
Being here makes me realize how unhappy I am living so far away from my family. I hate it. I don't want to make any big decisions right now, but I'm thinking about looking into living somewhere else--another city closer to home. The beauty about my job right now is I can do it absolutely anywhere as long as I have a decent airport. So, over the next six months as I'm waiting to hear back about my continued contract, I'm going to start looking into some of cities closer to home. Because honestly, nothing is more important than the people we love, and most of mine right now are south of the Mason-Dixon line.
Mom and I head out forour glamorous vacation of luxury and indulgence tomorrow morning, and I've decided not to take the computer. I just need a break from technology for a few days. I'll be back in DC on Thursday afternoon, so I'm sure you'll hear from me by then. In the meantime, know how much I love all of you, especially those who've taken the time to write, comment, and even send me things--books, iTunes, your stories. You rock my face off. This is a good thing, btw.