I was planning to write a post about Mr. Executive Chef, a guy who seems to think I am God's gift to men even though we've never met. He is constantly contacting me, and even friended me on Facebook! Can you say "overkill"?
But, what I've really been processing is the night I had with Dr. Nutrition. I hadn't intended for things to take such a serious turn in our conversation, but it was as if as soon as I opened up, I couldn't stop myself from just vomiting my feelings all over the place. I put myself in a really vulnerable state with someone I hardly know, which is not atypical for me (apparently I cannot learn) but a little foolish nonetheless. At least I think it is.
What I disliked the most was my own insecurity in the situation--feeling anxious, unsettled, uncomfortable, awkward, and unable to look him in the eyes for more than a few seconds without laughing or averting my gaze. And I've been trying to figure out why.
For so long I felt insecure about my relationship with SCL. I felt like I wasn't quite enough for him, and I always worried that there'd be some part of me he'd uncover that would ultimately do him in. Living in this constant state of fear clearly has had an effect on me and I sense that I'm still living those feelings out and struggling to let them go. But, it means that I'm almost expecting Dr. Nutrition to do the same. Maybe not now, but surely at some point he'll realize I'm not the person he claims to see when he looks into my eyes. .
The fastest way for me to feel insecure is to think about Dr. Nutrition's passion for healthy living. He's super fit, runs marathons, refs soccer games, does triathlons, works on wellness, does yoga regularly, can do a handstand. Me? I like to hit the gym 4-5 days a week for an hour or so, reading magazines and watching TV as I do it. I hate running. I rarely lift weights. Yoga is my idea of torture. And I really, really like eating candy. At least in this area he's the superstar, and I feel pretty fucking average. I wonder if he really wants to be with someone like me who thinks luluelemon is a rip off and would rather drink margaritas than get a runner's high (which I swear to God does not exist).
And therein lies the problem. Self-sabotage. Why am I trying to convince myself that this guy doesn't like me when clearly he does? He wouldn't have asked me out 5 times in three weeks if he didn't. Everything he says and does indicates that he doesn't just think I'm ok, but really he thinks I'm fantastic. So, why the hell am I so preoccupied with figuring out what he probably doesn't like or what eventually he'll discover that he doesn't like? Is a way to prepare myself for some future blow to the ego? Why do I think I'm not good enough for him?
I wish I could just inject myself with some genuine confidence and self-esteem before these dates.
If I could say something to Dr. Nutrition right now, it would be this: I'm not quite where I want to be right now, but I know that I get there eventually. If I try to push myself into anything, I know I'll freak out and run away. So, the best thing is to keep taking this one day (and date) at a time. Will you be patient with me as I work through this stuff?
I honestly think his response would be, "Absolutely."
Lady, at least you go to the gym. My idea of working out is walking from the front of our house to the back so I can watch TV in the family room instead of the bedroom.
ReplyDeleteAnd I LOVE candy. Like, a lot.
And cupcakes.
And muffins.
Oooh and peanut butter toast.
You are far better than me. And if you weren't enough for him he wouldn't be wanting to see you.
You're an awesome girl. Realize that.
It's so good that you're being self-aware about your insecurities and not just ignoring them and hoping they'll go away or hoping they won't have any affect on your burgeoning relationship with this fellow.
ReplyDeleteAnd I absolutely think you should say to Dr. Nutrition what you want to say to him. The patience and empathy he showed you last night are important, and you're important to him, it's obvious.
He sounds amazing, but I agree the runner's high is just a myth. If you end up telling him that you need a little time to work things out I'm sure he'll be able to respect that. He seems like a really great guy who hontestly likes you. Hope things keep going well!
ReplyDeletexx,
Delilah
I used to have a tendency to do the same thing...give everyone else too much credit and then sell myself short. It's a tough thing to get past. You just have to keep reminding yourself that you are fabulous and any guy is lucky to be with you. He sounds like a good guy...I can't wait to see where this goes for you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Shana in that you should just keep reminding yourself that you are fabulous. FABULOUS!! and Dr. Nutrition obviously thinks you're great if he keeps asking you out.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to tell him what you wrote above, you definitely should. From what you said, he seems like a stand-up guy and would completely understand.
Do you like to paint or draw or take photographs? Perhaps if you could find something you like artistically to take your mind off of what's bothering you. Don't worry about whether or not you measure up to someone else, you don't have to. If they really do like you, then it wouldn't matter where you fell on the intellectual/athletic/artistic/funny/any kind of trait scale. Attraction is a funny thing but I think you're going to be just fine :)
ReplyDeleteSay it! It seems like you already know the answers... you just have to communicate it. If I were him, I would definitely appreciate it and probably like you ever more for having such conviction and knowing yourself so well. If he runs away, then he's not worth it.
ReplyDelete@Krysten--haha, love it! Now I seriously want a cupcake.
ReplyDelete@OkNY, I hope you're right. I just wish I had more of a filter!
@datingdiva, Like I said, short of a murder confession, I don't think he'd run. Can't wait to see him again so I can show him the fun side!
@Shana, any tips on how to get past this way of thinking? :-)
@Bry-Guy, I'm not much of an artist, but working out, dancing, singing can do the same thing for me.
@Cindy, You're so right. If he runs, then it wasn't right to begin with.
Okay, I almost spit out my drink when you mentioned Lululemon in this post because those are my thoughts entirely (also, who pays $70 for a pair of yoga shorts??). Whatevs and neither here nor there.
ReplyDeleteANYHOO, I think if you were to say that he would absolutely respect you for it and take things one day (and date, as you said) at a time. I know sometimes it can be very nervewracking, but when you think about it, men have many of the same insecurities that we do, they just show it differently.
:) love this. you know, i've heard that we are often attracted to folks who are different than us because they don't have our same hang ups, obsessions, interests, etc. they let us get out of ourselves and remind us that something else exists. so maybe that's there, with the working out, etc. or maybe that's your thing and he couldn't care less.
ReplyDeleteeither way, it sounds like y'all have a lot in common, too much to pick out just one thing that's slightly different on which to place your whole focus. easier said than done, right?
either way, making out is fun.
I think I would feel the same way, especially with the way I view my body now. And I would countlessly wonder why he was with me. It's hard when someone is THAT super fit and you just don't know what you guys have in common. But it's obviously you guys do, minus sweat sessions, and that he does want to be with you. Maybe train for a marathon?
ReplyDeleteHehehe. Juuuust kidding. ;)
Because a) you're a girl and us girls over analyze anything and b) you're still a little vulnerable from the emotional turmoil you went through with SCL as a result you're not as confident.
ReplyDeleteThis guys is so into you. The signs are clear. Remember why you're awesome. Remember why this guy is lucky to have a girl like you to take out. Stay positive. The worst that could happen is it doesn't work out and you move on and find the next guy, but so far things are looking good and you know it!
Why do we women let our insecurities get at us? This weekend, I met an amazing guy who gave me a really nice unsolicited compliment about something I feel insecure about and I found myself negating it (unfortunately outloud)! WTF? Why did I feel the need to dis myself. I was already telling myself I was not good enough for him (and unfortunately telling him this too).
ReplyDelete