Currently I have no dates to report on, but I wanted to answer a question that commenter extraordinaire Felisha asked on Thursday's post. She asks:
Do you even think of SCL anymore?It's been just over seven weeks since we parted for good, and I can honestly say that I have experienced a tremendous amount of healing so far. I think a number of factors have contributed to this. First, this wasn't the first time I'd been through this with him, and I was not in the same place that I was in April. Second, I let myself feel exactly what I felt whenever I felt it. One of the beautiful things about working from home is you can cry in the middle of the day and no one knows. For about three weeks, I cried and sobbed and wrote pitiful things in my journal, and I tried not to hate on myself for being so emotional.That was a wonderful gift, even though it sucked going through it. The truth is, there are only so many tears a person can cry, and I cried them all.
Third, I got the hell out of DC for a week. While I was gone, my mom told me with tough love that I needed to get myself out there again. At first that pissed me off, but she was right. I needed to pull myself out of the hole of misery (once I'd spent adequate time there) and start enjoying life again. I started working out hard, getting to know my roommates, writing articles for work, going out with friends, singing lots of karaoke, and drinking many beers. And, then I started telling my friends I wanted to be set up. I started responding to men online that I thought sounded fun and I started going out on dates. Fortunately I've been spared the online dating horror stories thus far. The worst I've gotten was Mr. Religion Teacher, who was not weird; just too serious.
The result of all of this is a complete shift in the way I think about my relationship with SCL and how I really felt. I went back and read every single journal (not blog) entry from the year we lived together, and I read how unhappy, unsettled, disappointed, undesirable, and unfulfilled I felt about 95% of the time because I never felt secure in the relationship. With good reason, it turns out. He was still obsessed with another girl and I found out that he'd also made out with a girl just a few weeks after we got back together this spring. A real charmer, that one.
So, do I think about SCL? Yes. There's part of me that misses him a little. I wonder how he's doing at school mostly. I hope that he's getting himself out there again and having some fun. I sometimes wish I could call him to ask if I can borrow our cheese grater (it's an amazing cheese grater.) But, I don't cry about it anymore. I don't wish that things had turned out differently. In fact, I almost feel grateful that he didn't give me the option of staying with him because I would never be having these experiences I'm having now. I feel thankful for the fun that we did have, but I realize it would never have worked long-term because I was not myself when I was with him. The relationship was comfortable, safe, secure, but not fulfilling. And it was stifling me. I had an idea that if we got engaged, I'd finally feel secure in the relationship. Now I see how fucked up that is.
I'm still healing, learning, and figuring out how to move forward. I have no idea if I'm doing it "right" but I know that I feel better each and every day.