Life (after SCL) Goes On

After Dr. Scientist (not to be confused with Dr. Nutrition) canceled our Saturday night date due to a cold, I found myself dateless for the weekend--and I was so relieved. It's given me a chance to do some much needed catching up with friends and catching up on sleep. I spent 9/11 doing a service project and resting. I feel rejuvenated and ready for another week of this dating stuff, not to mention, you know, the actual work I do. I'm in the middle of planning a three-week trip in October. (Anyone want to guest post? Shoot me an email)


Currently I have no dates to report on, but I wanted to answer a question that commenter extraordinaire Felisha asked on Thursday's post. She asks:
Do you even think of SCL anymore? 
It's been just over seven weeks since we parted for good, and I can honestly say that I have experienced a tremendous amount of healing so far. I think a number of factors have contributed to this. First, this wasn't the first time I'd been through this with him, and I was not in the same place that I was in April. Second, I let myself feel exactly what I felt whenever I felt it. One of the beautiful things about working from home is you can cry in the middle of the day and no one knows. For about three weeks, I cried and sobbed and wrote pitiful things in my journal, and I tried not to hate on myself for being so emotional.That was a wonderful gift, even though it sucked going through it. The truth is, there are only so many tears a person can cry, and I cried them all.

Third, I got the hell out of DC for a week. While I was gone, my mom told me with tough love that I needed to get myself out there again. At first that pissed me off, but she was right. I needed to pull myself out of the hole of misery (once I'd spent adequate time there) and start enjoying life again. I started working out hard, getting to know my roommates, writing articles for work, going out with friends, singing lots of karaoke, and drinking many beers. And, then I started telling my friends I wanted to be set up. I started responding to men online that I thought sounded fun and I started going out on dates. Fortunately I've been spared the online dating horror stories thus far. The worst I've gotten was Mr. Religion Teacher, who was not weird; just too serious.

The result of all of this is a complete shift in the way I think about my relationship with SCL and how I really felt. I went back and read every single journal (not blog) entry from the year we lived together, and I read how unhappy, unsettled, disappointed, undesirable, and unfulfilled I felt about 95% of the time because I never felt secure in the relationship. With good reason, it turns out. He was still obsessed with another girl and I found out that he'd also made out with a girl just a few weeks after we got back together this spring. A real charmer, that one.

So, do I think about SCL? Yes. There's part of me that misses him a little. I wonder how he's doing at school mostly. I hope that he's getting himself out there again and having some fun. I sometimes wish I could call him to ask if I can borrow our cheese grater (it's an amazing cheese grater.) But, I don't cry about it anymore. I don't wish that things had turned out differently. In fact, I almost feel grateful that he didn't give me the option of staying with him because I would never be having these experiences I'm having now. I feel thankful for the fun that we did have, but I realize it would never have worked long-term because I was not myself when I was with him. The relationship was comfortable, safe, secure, but not fulfilling. And it was stifling me. I had an idea that if we got engaged, I'd finally feel secure in the relationship. Now I see how fucked up that is.

I'm still healing, learning, and figuring out how to move forward. I have no idea if I'm doing it "right" but I know that I feel better each and every day.

4 comments:

  1. Just found your blog. Love your writing!! :)

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  2. It's healthy to still think about those things and it sounds like you're doing it in a healthy way.

    I remember one time when my ex called me on the phone and I was in this happy, giddy, giggly mood. He thought I was drunk. It was at that point I realized he had no idea who I was - and who wants to be with someone like that!?

    I am so proud of you and no matter where this takes you you're doing it for YOU and that is an amazing thing.

    About to email you!

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  3. You already sound like a much stronger woman in only seven weeks! Impressive!

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  4. @Melissa, welcome! Glad you are enjoying the writing.

    @Krysten and JoJo, I wonder what you'll think now that I've posted about this morning.

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