Anyone else obsessed with Sara Bareilles' new album Kaleidoscope Heart? I've been listening to it non-stop after my first encounter with SCL since the second break-up.
That's right. I saw SCL. On purpose.
My mom's birthday is coming up, and she always wants me to burn her CDs of my favorite music. I love it because it's inexpensive for me and I get to share what I'm listening to. Back in December SCL and I had purchased about 500 CD/DVD sleeves, and while I very well could have gone out and purchased my own, I thought, "Wait a sec, I bought those with him, so surely I can have a few." This morning I shot him a quick email about it, offering to pick them up whenever. About five minutes later he responded that he could drop them in the mailbox--or that he'd be there until 3 if I wanted to come over.
Shit, did he just invite me over? I think he did. I was already getting ready to go to the gym, so I figured I'd swing by there on the way. I debated putting on make-up, trying to cute-i-fy my old gym clothes, and then I thought, "Nope, going on with life as usual." I biked over and knocked on the door.
As soon as I saw him, my eyes filled with tears. I grabbed the CD sleeves and then turned around, ready to book it. "How are you?" he asked. "I'm really good, " I said, not all that convincingly. I managed to temporarily hold off on the waterworks. Then we started chatting. He told me about his classes, how he was finally going to the dentist thanks to livingsocial, and that he was *gasp* taking a motorcycle class. I guess not having the use of my car has him pretty desperate. But, it made me crack up. He's about the last person I could picture riding a motorcycle. His dad is planning a second knee replacement, his aunt and uncle (whom I love) celebrated their 30th anniversary, his mom is in the dark about the motorcycle class.
I told him about Dewey and my dating. I cried a lot, and he hugged me. The thing is, he is such a good guy, even if he's not the right guy for me. I told him how much he'd hurt me. I told him how much it sucked to have him block Facebook content from me--and he explained, "Well, I knew there'd be a lot of pictures of me from the wedding, and I didn't want them to show up in your newsfeed." (See post on said pictures.) And the "not wanting a future with me"? He said, "I know it sounded like I was rejecting you and I can't make you feel better about it, but it was me saying that I just wasn't sure what I want for my life yet." He said he didn't understand what had happened to him, but he had gotten to the point that he knew being in a serious, committed relationship with anyone is not something he's capable of right now.
He said he's been on a few dates--for practice, mostly. This made me laugh, mostly because I feel similarly. I think I'm more open to the possibility of a long-term relationship than he is. I asked about the obsession--he hasn't seen her and when they did talk once, he said she has basically lost her mind. I'm relieved to know he's not barking up that tree, not that it's any of my business.
We talked about our friends' wedding that he attended and I didn't--he let me know that he had, in fact, signed both of our names to the gift. Another good guy move. I told him how far behind I'd gotten in True Blood without his DVR--and I cried again. I felt so dumb, but it was one of those things that we shared. I admitted to him that looking back, I hadn't been happy in the relationship and that I knew in the long-run, I would've gotten tired of feeling insecure about it. And that I felt like I'd let myself become a boring person in the name of "becoming an adult."
I told him about the fuckburglar, our friends who are moving in together, getting kicked out of Dewey. We laughed. I said fuck a lot. I cried. I told him I hope he appreciates me one day, even if he can't now. He brushed my hair back and said, "I already do appreciate parts of you that I didn't before--how hard you worked and how you care about the world and the people in it." I told him when he's ready for his next relationship, I hope he can talk to her more. He saw his therapist in August. He might go back.
I needed to get out of there, not that I wanted to. He didn't invite me to his room to play the piano for me--though he told me he's still playing. He said if I ever needed help with something to call him, even though it's weird. He held me as I cried. I asked if he was glad I came over. "Yes, it's good to know that we can talk." I asked, "Do you think we'll ever be able to be friends?" He nodded. "Do you?" I said, "I don't know. I've never tried to be friends with someone who has seen me naked." He laughed.
"But, it makes me cry to see you." He wiped the tears from my cheeks and said, "Maybe one day it won't."