Too Soon for the Online Profile

I don't know what came over me, but the other night I was feeling shitty and decided it'd be "fun" to make an online profile just to see what it was like. Let's not even think about how it's not even been a month since SCL and I broke up, and how I am still clearly a big giant mess. I went onto okcupid, which my friend had recommended to me, and stretched my little artistic wings with the whole "who am I in 100 words or less." I also agonized over what picture to put up and what username to use. Let me say, I think there's an art to this, and it probably also requires more time and thought than I gave it that night. More than anything, though, I was there to explore and to see what this whole online dating scene is like.

Let me save you the trouble: it's essentially the meat market on Friday night at the club, but in online form.

At least the site I was on was. That might have been partly because okcupid is free, and that I was looking for men in DC who, at least in my eyes, are notoriously douchey anyway. I answered a bunch of their questions as honestly as I could, but as soon as I started looking through my matches, I start to feel depressed. NERDY. Not cool nerdy, but NERDY nerdy. And not cute. And just all in all not what I'm hoping for in my next guy at least on a surface level. Some were definitely witty, but not so much that I actually wanted to say hi.

Then the influx happened--I could see how many visitors had been to my page (30 in the first 3 minutes of being online!) and then the messages started. I tried to play along, be flirty in my responses, but I felt like a damn fool. This is so not what I had in mind. This is so not what I need right now.

Making this profile just made me panicky about the future: I'm never going to find love again, I'm never going to get married, I'm going to die alone, etc. So the next day, I got up and deleted my account. I'm not ready for that just yet, not even a little. And a little pat on the back to me for knowing that deep down and doing something about it.

So, when am I going to be ready? My therapist C says "You'll know when you are." Real helpful, C. Thanks. But what I do know is I'm not ready now, and today that's all that matters.

4 comments:

  1. Oh dating sites. I actually met one of my exes on Hot or Not, oddly enough. We're still really good friends. But it is SO hard to weed through all the gross people and find someone good, that's for sure.

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  2. K, you are so right. And I had no idea that H or N had a dating component!

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  3. I have been on several dates from OKC, both recently and a few years ago around the time I met my ex. I actually met him on another dating site though.

    Online dating is hard because people can seem cool in e-mails and then be weird in person. On the upside though, it is an easy way to have a lot of dates, and the more dates you have the more likely you are to find someone great, and also the more you have the less each one matters.

    Be patient with yourself. It took me a good couple of months to start meeting new people, and even now at three months I'm still trying to take things slowly. I am excited about the possibilities but I miss my ex every day. One blog that has really helped me is Living Single. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single

    It is geared more towards people who want to always be single, and I'm not sure that's me, but it's helping me see the joys of being on my own.

    AT

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  4. I'm trying to be patient with myself, but wo, it is SO much easier to just jump into things. Much harder to be in the loneliness and pain of it all. Sucky, sucky suckiness.

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