It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Right?

Being away from home hasn't exactly been the respite I was hoping for. I love my friend, and it has been wonderful to spend time with her but it has also meant being out of the familiar for me. She's going through a lot herself right now and is on her own path to rebuilding her new life, and I guess because of that I haven't had a moment to think of anything but my own situation with SCL. When I'm home I've got lots to do, people to see, and other things to keep me occupied. I've had a lot more time to think about my situation over the last few days, and in many ways, I feel like the pain is getting worse.

I went with my friend as she searched for a new apartment, and I was shocked by 1) how nice the places were and 2) how cheap they were. For what I would pay for a shitty studio in DC, I could get a spacious 2 bedroom/2 bath apartment here. It started to piss me off! I started thinking about how I'm going to have to live in a shithole come July--or I'm going to have to find a random roommate, something I really don't want to do. It would feel like I was going backward in my life. I started thinking I'd rather move here than live in DC. And then I started getting angry. REALLY angry.

At first I got pissed at having to look at apartments with my friend, but that was definitely not what was actually bothering me. It was the thought of how disrupted my life is now. I don't want to look for a new apartment. I don't want to pack up my shit yet again and figure out a way to move without SCL's help. I don't want to live in some crappy, tiny studio apartment because that's all I can afford now. He did this to me, and I hate him for it. We had a plan. Instead of bawling my eyes out every night because he broke up me, I'm supposed to have a fucking ring on my finger. I hate how he fucked things up for me, and now I have to pick up the pieces and figure out a way to move forward. I haven't gotten the opportunity to yell at him, to throw things, to get mad as hell. No, I've just sat back and tried to be mature about all of it, showing him compassion and care and understanding. Well, right now I'm tired of it.

I tried so hard in our relationship. I gave him everything I had. With his program, even though deep down I hated that he was going to be in school for God knows how long, I supported him. I engaged him about his school work. I asked him how he was doing with all of it, tried to understand the complex processes of a doctoral program. A few weeks ago he spoke at an event where he made lots of excellent connections--an event he never would have had the opportunity to attend had I not encouraged him a few years ago to apply for a position in public policy. I think he's forgotten that. I think he's forgotten how much I encouraged him, pushed him, supported him to pursue his dreams and his desires. He used to tell me that I inspired him to be a better person.

But how did he do that for me? Did he encourage me like that? Did he take the time to really understand my passions, my desires? I just assumed he needed more of that than I did. I was wrong.

So, thinking in these terms, if anyone was going to do the breaking-up, shouldn't it have been me? Shouldn't I have been the one to recognize that he wasn't holding up his side of the bargain? Why was I willing to settle for someone who couldn't with certainty even say that he wanted to be with me?

Because I loved him, I guess.

How could he reject my love that way when I was committed to him? I wasn't a barrier to anything he wanted, and yet he always seemed concerned that I'd be holding him back. Holding him back from what? At what point did something click off in his mind--and for God's sake, why? How can he be so stupid as to let go of me?

SCL was always concerned about not doing well enough in school, that he wasn't going to do a good job on a test or not write a good paper. Why couldn't he have been worried that he wasn't doing our relationship well? I know he's capable of committing himself to something and getting the job done. Why was his fucking program more important that our relationship?

I have so many questions, and there are no answers. And I'm pissed about that, too. After all of the love, time, and energy I put into our relationship, at the very least I deserve an explanation. And really I deserve a hell of a lot more that.