It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Right?

Being away from home hasn't exactly been the respite I was hoping for. I love my friend, and it has been wonderful to spend time with her but it has also meant being out of the familiar for me. She's going through a lot herself right now and is on her own path to rebuilding her new life, and I guess because of that I haven't had a moment to think of anything but my own situation with SCL. When I'm home I've got lots to do, people to see, and other things to keep me occupied. I've had a lot more time to think about my situation over the last few days, and in many ways, I feel like the pain is getting worse.

I went with my friend as she searched for a new apartment, and I was shocked by 1) how nice the places were and 2) how cheap they were. For what I would pay for a shitty studio in DC, I could get a spacious 2 bedroom/2 bath apartment here. It started to piss me off! I started thinking about how I'm going to have to live in a shithole come July--or I'm going to have to find a random roommate, something I really don't want to do. It would feel like I was going backward in my life. I started thinking I'd rather move here than live in DC. And then I started getting angry. REALLY angry.

At first I got pissed at having to look at apartments with my friend, but that was definitely not what was actually bothering me. It was the thought of how disrupted my life is now. I don't want to look for a new apartment. I don't want to pack up my shit yet again and figure out a way to move without SCL's help. I don't want to live in some crappy, tiny studio apartment because that's all I can afford now. He did this to me, and I hate him for it. We had a plan. Instead of bawling my eyes out every night because he broke up me, I'm supposed to have a fucking ring on my finger. I hate how he fucked things up for me, and now I have to pick up the pieces and figure out a way to move forward. I haven't gotten the opportunity to yell at him, to throw things, to get mad as hell. No, I've just sat back and tried to be mature about all of it, showing him compassion and care and understanding. Well, right now I'm tired of it.

I tried so hard in our relationship. I gave him everything I had. With his program, even though deep down I hated that he was going to be in school for God knows how long, I supported him. I engaged him about his school work. I asked him how he was doing with all of it, tried to understand the complex processes of a doctoral program. A few weeks ago he spoke at an event where he made lots of excellent connections--an event he never would have had the opportunity to attend had I not encouraged him a few years ago to apply for a position in public policy. I think he's forgotten that. I think he's forgotten how much I encouraged him, pushed him, supported him to pursue his dreams and his desires. He used to tell me that I inspired him to be a better person.

But how did he do that for me? Did he encourage me like that? Did he take the time to really understand my passions, my desires? I just assumed he needed more of that than I did. I was wrong.

So, thinking in these terms, if anyone was going to do the breaking-up, shouldn't it have been me? Shouldn't I have been the one to recognize that he wasn't holding up his side of the bargain? Why was I willing to settle for someone who couldn't with certainty even say that he wanted to be with me?

Because I loved him, I guess.

How could he reject my love that way when I was committed to him? I wasn't a barrier to anything he wanted, and yet he always seemed concerned that I'd be holding him back. Holding him back from what? At what point did something click off in his mind--and for God's sake, why? How can he be so stupid as to let go of me?

SCL was always concerned about not doing well enough in school, that he wasn't going to do a good job on a test or not write a good paper. Why couldn't he have been worried that he wasn't doing our relationship well? I know he's capable of committing himself to something and getting the job done. Why was his fucking program more important that our relationship?

I have so many questions, and there are no answers. And I'm pissed about that, too. After all of the love, time, and energy I put into our relationship, at the very least I deserve an explanation. And really I deserve a hell of a lot more that.

12 comments:

  1. Dear - I almost cringed when I read your post today because honestly, it could have been written by me. I'm going through exactly the same thing. It's funny because I too gave everything in the relationship. I loved him, I supported him, I was there for him and what does he do for me? Nothing. When people ask me what I get out of the relationship, I can't think of a dang thing. So why do I stay??? Because I love the guy. Why? Who the hell knows. I have no idea why my heart is doing this to me... making me love a guy who's selfish, who only thinks of himself and wouldn't have done half of the things I've done for him throughout his life. So what do you do? You ask yourself what you're getting out of the relationship and if can't come up with anything, you need, need, need to preoccupy yourself with someone else. I know, I know some people say that's the worst thing you can do but preoccupying yourself with another guy will give you the confidence because you'll see there are other guys out there that would kill to be with you, that will do anything for you and that will be there for you. I'm here for you girl and know that I'm in the exact same boat. And every single day I struggle. Try to have a good weekend and email me if you want to chat.

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  2. Hi Jen, how long did you wait until you started dating other people? I feel like it's too early for me, but I am starting to think about it a bit more. I don't want a rebound, but I would like to think that there are other men who are going to be good for me and help me get over this mess.

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  3. Dear, I did it pretty quickly because the goal wasn't to find that special someone, it was just to preoccupy myself. If I found someone perfect, great. But I knew that probably wouln't happen right away. My main goal was trying to feel better about myself. I needed to know that there were other guys out there, other guys that would treat me better, other guys that would do anything for me. It got my mind off the garbage that I was used to at home. Really, you need to do what's best for you and if you need to have a rebound to just get through the day, I'd do it. You need someone else to fill your mind and thoughs. The more you think about the ex, the more miserable you're going to be. You need to get out there. In fact, I just joined match.com the other day and girl, there are so many guys out there. I woke up to 22 emails from guys that want to know more about me. It's something really nice to wake up to.

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  4. Knowing myself, I don't think a rebound would be healthy for me. I'm really striving to take good care of myself and treat myself with the love I expect from others. Not an easy thing to do. The last thing I want is to go looking for affirmation in another person and get myself hurt again.

    SCL really was a good partner in a lot of ways. He didn't treat me poorly at all. We had a good time together and supported one another. He just...I don't know. It would be easy to blame him for everything, but honestly, I don't think that would be honest. I just wish he could have been more mature and had been able to give me more. What a loss.

    But when I get ready to date, I'll give you a shout and you can help me navigate online dating.

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  5. Dear, it sounds like you're on the right path. Just know that everything happens for a reason and when one door closes, a bigger better door opens! I know those quotes might not help now or might not make you feel any better but you're really doing good. And honestly, if it were meant to be with you two, it will happen. I just heard on the radio the other day that 1 out of 3 women want out of their marriages. Isn't that crazy? I hope I'm never one of those 1 out of 3. Love... its crazy, isn't it?

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  6. Yes, love is abso-fucking-lutely crazy. Thanks for the encouragement. I know it'll get better. Just wish it'd hurry up and get better asap please!

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  7. I'm here if you want to chat. Just email me anytime!!

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  8. Is your email address on your blog?

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  9. I am very sorry to hear about your break up. I was always the girl who wore my heart on my sleeve and took a lot of risks when I was single, and I can't tell you how many break ups I had to go through in my 20's. It is never easy.

    I can tell you that you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who holds YOU on a pedestal, and no one else - someone who makes things easy not difficult.

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  10. Thanks, FL. I don't regret how I was in the relationship. I did everything I could to be honest, open, and loving. And I got burned big time, and it sucks.

    I agree that I deserve someone who loves me and me alone--any idea where I can find a man like that?! Do they even exist?

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  11. Oh nooo I am so sorry you are feeling this way! I dodnt even know you but I just want to give you a big ol hug and tell you everything is going to be ok! Hang in there! =)

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  12. Thanks, Nicole. I'm doing my best to hang in there, but it's really hard right now.

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