Break Downs and Thought Records: Week 3 of Therapy

In preparation for my third session, I took time to look over my journal from the last week. I made the mistake of doing that while riding the Metro. Also my iPod betrayed me by landing on Daniel Bedingfield's "If You're Not the One" in the middle of my despairing (please don't ask how the song got there in the first place, ok? I'm hurting!). I started freaking out, "Oh my God, I'm going to start crying on the fucking subway." I somehow kept my shit together, but I knew once I got to C's office, I'd be just barely hanging on, kind of like last week when I had to pee so badly after a kickball drinking fest that when I found the nearest women's room was locked, I busted into the men's room.

Yes, my need to cry was very much like having to pee real bad. That's right.

So of course when C asks how I've been, the blubbering ensues for about the next twenty minutes. It's not so horrible though. Fortunately crying dos not freak her out. I guess they get some kind of special training in therapy school for this.

Since I'm a little bit of a processor, she led me through a structured journaling exercise called a thought record that I found really helpful and have already tried once since. So, here we go.

Step 1: Name a situation about which you had some ambivalence in a nutshell, just the what, when, where, etc.

On Thursday SCL briefly got into bed next to me without asking.

Step 2: Name your feelings and emotions, and rate each on a scale of 1-100, 1 being hardly feeling it at all and 100 being feeling it the most you possibly could.

Shock--10

Sadness--50

Comfort--20

Familiarity--80

Loss--80

Hope--30

Brokenness--99

Step 3: Name your automatic thoughts in the situation.

-What is he doing?

-Why is he doing this?

-This is what I miss about being with him.

-I'm never going to have this again.

-This is how I felt the day he broke up with me.

-I want him to stay

-This is a physical reminder of what I don't have anymore.

Step 4: Highlight the main or "hot" thought from Step 3.

-What is he doing?

-Why is he doing this?

-This is what I miss about being with him.

-I'm never going to have this again.

-This is how I felt the day he broke up with me.

-I want him to stay

-This is a physical reminder of what I don't have anymore.

Step 5: Identify the source of this thought.

Physical reminder of what I don't have anymore -->

Desire for companionship and partnership that I want to be met-->

I fear not having a partner-->

I may not have another partner.

Step 6: Identify the validations and contradictions, external and internal, for this statement.

Validations:

-I don't think that men want women like me (independent, ambitious, seeking an egalitarian relationship, well-educated, high expectations).

- The future is uncertain.

- The culture tells me certain things about what men want, and they don't want feminists and they really don't want religious feminists.

Contradictions:

- My friends say I have everything a man is looking for.

-Most people end up getting married at some point. Our culture values partnering up.

- I want to believe that God will fulfill that desire.

-I've had other relationships before.

- I want to believe that there are some men who want something similar in a relationship.

I'm still working through a lot of it, but it's a great tool for unpacking those layers of thoughts, emotions, and feelings. I recommend it to anyone in a fucked up situation such as a break-up. And if that doesn't work, there's always beer.