A Day of Being with Just Me

Monday was the first day I'd had since the break-up that I didn't have any kind of external distraction to get me out of the house. No briefing, no happy hour, no meeting friends for dinner. I did pretty well during the day--got lots of good work done, did laundry,worked out, and wrote an article for work. But when I got to be about dinner time, I began to feel a little anxious. After eating something I decided just to go out to my favorite hangout Marshall's (love discounted designer clothes), but as I was getting ready to go, I stopped. Why am I doing this?

Was going shopping another substitute, something to fill the void inside me? I knew I'd probably end up buying a bunch of random stuff, and just like stuffing my face, I knew I'd feel like shit afterwards. So I said no. Instead I got my stuff together, put on a bit of make-up and went to the public library. I perused the aisles, read a few inside corners. I took my time and slowed down, stopping to look at whatever seemed interesting.

One of the most noticeable differences I've experienced since the break-up is a new calmness, an ease with myself and with others (not including tourists). I don't know where it's coming from, but I attribute it to grace.

While at the at the library, I picked up the latest Psychology Today. There was an article called "The Expectations Trap" about the expectations we place on marriage in this culture. We expect it to satisfy all of our emotional needs, and when we're unhappy with anything in our lives, we find a way, either consciously or unconsciously, of attributing it to a lacking in our partner...and we justify that emotional discontent as a reason to give up and walk away. Rather than adjusting or accepting, we reject. It sounded so much like where SCL had been coming from that I printed him a copy of it.

But it's also something I need to pay attention to. I'm never going to find myself in another person. I have to do that on my own.

6 comments:

  1. "One of the most noticeable differences I've experienced since the break-up is a new calmness, an ease with myself and with others (not including tourists). I don't know where it's coming from, but I attribute it to grace."

    I HAVE FELT THAT. you put it into such great words. love it.

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  2. I've been stalking rather than commenting as of late, but I have to say 'thank you' for posting this. I can definitely relate to having inner turmoil about blaming my partner and believing that sometimes, we have a less than desirable marriage in the past. It takes time and a lot of hard work on one's part to realize that you cannot seek happiness from an outside source. True happiness does come within. Totally cliche, but I find that when I'm my most happiest, everyone around vibes off of that.

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  3. "I'm never going to find myself in another person. I have to do that on my own" Love this! It's so true. I was holding off on doing things I wanted to do in my life b/c of my boyfriend and it started to really get to me. He wasn't asking me to not persue my own goals I was just wrapped up in him and planning our lives around his career. Now that I am doing what I want to do on my own (although we are still together) I feel like a weight has been lifted.

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  4. LW, isn't it amazing? It's completely out of the blue, and yet I'm so thankful for it. I hope it sticks around for awhile. I think part of it is I'm no longer pretending to be fulfilled in a situation that wasn't fulfilling in many ways.

    Hi Ashley! Just started following your blog. Glad you're reading, and I look forward to reading yours, too. :-)

    Cee, I know what you mean. It's easy to put aside our dreams in a relationship and call it "compromise" or "sacrifice." I never want to do that again--at least not in the way I was doing it before. Glad you've found balance in your relationship.

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  5. i'm still in a relationship and i know precisely what you mean. it's all too easy to get angry at someone else for flaws you can't seem to fix in yourself. kudos to you for putting into words what so many others have felt.

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  6. Thanks, DD! It is all about self-discovery and self-acceptance. Not easy to achieve.

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