I Feel Like a Psycho

There is really no other way to say it: I'm temporarily (hopefully anyway) psychotic. I'm not exactly sure why, but today I'm a fucking mess of snot, tears, and crazy thoughts.

I wanted to go to church this morning, but with serious Metro delays and no desire to drive into Georgetown or bike in the unusually cool weather, I chickened out. Honestly I just couldn't get the motivation to go, and I really wish I had. Now it's too late, and I'm in my apartment, feeling very mopey and acting like a complete psycho.

I'm REALLY beginning to feel resentful about the fact that my thoughts are so public on here. I'm being frank about my journey because I find it really, really helpful to get it out there. That's just how I am. But, damn it, I want to know what is going on in SCL's head! Even four weeks into the break-up, he has yet to live up to his promise to tell me why the hell he decided to end things. I told him on Thursday, "I don't believe you ever will." He said, "I understand why you'd feel that way."

Yeah, maybe because he NEVER communicated his feelings? Is that perhaps a little bit why I might think that? Yeah, no shit.

Ugh, the rage, the anger, the tension. It is bubbling up inside me. I want to tear up the apartment, going through each and every little bit of his things, look for some clue, some insight into his head. But I know I wouldn't find anything. He's too private; I'm sure anything like that he's taken with him. Except for one thing: there is a metal box in his closet with a big Masterlock padlock on it. I'm constantly wondering what's inside it and why he felt the need to padlock it.

That box is symbolic of his intimacy phobia. He literally locked me out of his life with a huge ass padlock. He did the same with his feelings, fears, and dreams--packed them away and locked me out. I am so resentful about that.

I want to take a huge fucking hammer and beat the shit out of that box and smash the lock into pieces. I've been googling various phrases like "Just broke up with my girlfriend," wading through all the results with the ridiculous hope that maybe he posted something online about it. I desperately, desperately want in. That's what I've always wanted, and he never, never let me in. He says he regrets it, but he's not changing it.

I don't know how to let go, how to accept that this is what it is. I'm not there yet. I don't know how to get there.

6 comments:

  1. Ohhhhh, I feel for you. I know how this goes because I did some CRAZY things after the ex and I broke up. Anything I did find, I wish I had never seen. It would have been a lot better.

    Here's the thing I had to get: He didn't want to be with me. It doesn't really matter why at that point. There is absolutely nothing you can do, nothing you will find, that will make sense of it. Perhaps he just doesn't feel that kind of love for you anymore, that's just that. AND it sucks.

    I know this doesn't help at this point because I've been there. I hope your day starts getting better. Treat yourself well. Remember to do things you love. You are doing everything right. It will get better. I promise. You are amazing!

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  2. HR, some days I can accept that. But not today.

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  3. I feel like I want to e-mail you the blog I wrote following my big breakup with what is known in my blog as "Ex-BF v. 2.0," or "David." It's not on DateMeDC -- it's in my super secret private blog that holds the musings of the deepest crevices of my brain.

    Anyway, I like your blog. I get it. And I think you should come hang out with me and my girl Meg, who I'm about to blog about. You live in D.C.; you really should come be my wing (and I'll be yours). Just getting out of the house is helpful, even if you're not ready to date/commit/etc.

    Though, I must say, I am in FULL support of rebounds. Mine (well, my official one, anyway) was a 20-year-old Mexican surfer who worked security at the hotel I stayed at in Acapulco when I took a vacation with a friend when I was SUPPOSED to be taking a trip to Paris with my ex. It was very "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" (I was 26 at the time). And AWESOME.

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  4. Katie, I'm completely in love with your blog. And yes, I would love to hang out with you.

    If you want to email, I'd love to read your story: thenonstudent (at) gmail (dot) com.

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  5. Yes, go hang out with Katie and Meg! :) I'm not sure what your friend situation is, but maybe this is a good time to work on it. Going out and being social will help take your mind off things but it doesn't come with the stress of dating. Call up some friends you may have neglected when you were involved with SCL, or join a group and make some new ones! I am particularly fond of knitting groups. Check out www.ravelry.com to find meetups in your area.
    Love & Good Thoughts,
    AT

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  6. I think not knowing what goes on inside the head of guys who break up with you is the worst. Even years later you will always wonder and there is no way of getting around it, sadly. But it will get better. Hang in there.

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