(Ex) Grad-Student Girlfriend

SCL informed me yesterday morning that he wants to end our relationship, move out of our apartment, and essentially cut me out of his life. He doesn't want to be "needed." He doesn't want a relationship. Honestly I don't give a fuck what his reasons are. Would figuring it out make it any better?

Needless to say I am a wreck. I feel broken, cheated, shocked. This came out of NOWHERE. Well, not yesterday. A few weeks ago he had threatened to leave. I guess I should've known then, that despite his going on to confess things he'd never told me, that he cried, that he said he didn't think it through, that he did love me--I should've have known then and dumped his ass.

Is that what I did? Of course not. I cried, begged him not leave, vowed to do whatever it would take to change things. We were a team, right? He was my partner, right? Isn't that what we were? Apparently not. Apparently our relationship doesn't mean enough to him for him to actually want to work on it. He's choosing to leave and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

I never thought this was a possibility. Seriously, it never entered my mind. We moved to DC to start our life together, and it's been beautiful, at least to me. I love (*gulp* loved?) sharing a life with him, figuring things out together, working things out. For him, it has been dissatisfying and left him unsettled. How did I not see this? Maybe I did and didn't want to admit it.

Now there's the question of this blog. As a former Grad-Student Girlfriend, do I get to continue writing? I will say that at least for now it feels pretty damn good to vent, and I'm thankful that only a few of you who read this even know who I am. The anonymity feels secure at the moment.

I'm working at the library and picked up a copy of He's Just Not that Into You. There's a whole chapter called "He's Just Not That Into You If He's Breaking Up with You." Ouch. Hard to read. But true nonetheless. Why do I want to try so hard to keep someone who is breaking my heart, tearing me up inside, who can look me in the eyes and say "I don't want to be in a relationship with you"?

Now there's the messy situation of the fact that we fucking live together. As far as I'm concerned, he's the one doing the breaking up, he can find a new place to live. But I don't know if I can afford all the expenses of the apartment by myself. I don't know what to do about it. It's so hard having him physically there. I want to run into his arms, have him hold me close, even though he's the one who hurt me. I think it'd be easier if it wasn't a possibility.

Now I'm thinking of all the "never gonna happen again" scenarios. This is perhaps the most difficult part so far. Never going to take another trip, never going to go out to a nice dinner, watch a movie and snuggle together, never again. Ugh, I feel like I'm torturing myself with all of these thoughts. I'm trying to focus on work, on anything else, but every few minutes I find myself running into the nearest bathroom to bawl my eyes out. In short, I am justifiably pathetic.

8 comments:

  1. So so sorry to hear this. :( Keep your chin up. Time heals everything.

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  2. Thanks, Karen. SUCKS. But I think blogging could be cathartic.

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  3. I would definitely stick with blogging. It can certainly help during rough emotional periods. But does your former boyfriend know about this blog? If so, it might be better to move it somewhere else so he can't view your healing process.

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  4. Oh dear. I'm very sorry to hear about this. I've been an occasional visitor ever since I found a link from Karen at Living Well on Less. I, too, live in D.C. and I like that you are liking life here. Karen has a good point -- does your ex-boyfriend know the address for this blog? If so, it might be wise to move it. Or else, you might find yourself wondering if he's reading it. And the "Breakup" authors would tell you that's not healthy.

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  5. Haley and Karen, thanks for your words of encouragement. Here's my question: would a simple url change be enough to privatize it? The wonders of Google make anything easy to find. I sort of feel like the onus is on him to maintain boundaries on this one.

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  6. I'll leave the true discussions of blog privacy to Karen (who undoubtedly knows way more than I do). I think that, if you do want to keep it away from his eyes (and anyone else's), you'd need to install a password. And that seems complicated. As long as you won't be forever wondering if he's reading what you're writing, it seems fine to keep it here.

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  7. I think this is such an interesting topic. I've been blogging a little bit about losing my job lately. I've also blogged a bit about the death of my father. I know that strangers read my blog and it seems weird to put it all out there on the table, especially if it involves another person's privacy. On the other hand, any blog with substance requires honesty, personality, and authentic posts that people can relate to. I found that blogging about some of the more difficult and more personal experiences in my life has been helpful in the end- for me and for some of my readers. I appreciate your honesty... your ex might have a different opinion though :)

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  8. Hi Courtney--well, he's no longer my ex, and he knows about the blog. He just doesn't read it anymore!

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