My first post break-up date

I went out last night on a date--a date that SCL and I were supposed to have gone on together. For Valentine's Day he had gotten us tickets to see Chelsea Handler, not exactly a creative gift as we'd just seen Kathy Griffin at the same venue a few weeks prior, but one I was excited about nonetheless. Perhaps I should have suspected something then--when his Valentine's Day card thanked me for being a "best friend." I remember being disappointed that it didn't say more, that it didn't talk about our love, our partnership. I'd come not to expect SCL to share his emotions or his feelings about our relationship except for a few times a year: my birthday, Valentine's Day, and our anniversary. He'd write me these beautiful cards that would bring tears to my eyes. Not this Valentine's Day though. I should've known then. But who wants to suspect your relationship is winding down on VALENTINE'S DAY?

Anyway, we broke up last Sunday just moments before needing to go to Philadelphia together (great timing, huh? Men are fabulous about that), and on Monday the subject of these tickets came up. "Do you want to find someone else to go with you?" he asked me. "No, I want to go with you," I said. "I don't think that's a great idea," he replied. "I don't care. You can sell the tickets," I said with tears in my eyes. I didn't give a flying fuck about the tickets at that point. He'd just broken my heart, and why would I ever want to go somewhere that was supposed to be "ours"? After a few hours of thinking this over though, I became more indignant than sad. I was going to use those tickets, damn it.

So, when I got a facebook message from a guy I had dinner with a few weeks ago who was writing to say "sorry for your break up," I thought, maybe he'd want to go. Now let me qualify this by saying that when I met this guy, it was at a pro-choice fundraiser and he told me that he wanted to work on women's issues. Of course I assumed he was gay. And I was absolutely shocked a few weeks later when he mentioned a girlfriend. I wanted to ask, "Was your girlfriend's name Robert by chance?" I still think he's confused. But I nonetheless thought it would be kind of a nice little jab to take a guy--gay, straight, bisexual, or confused--with me.

We met for dinner beforehand. I got us seats at the bar (not datelike). We had beers and food. Chelsea Handler was ridiculously funny, and only at a few times did I think to myself, this was supposed to be SCL and me. I didn't miss him too much--I actually think I had more fun with non-date, possibly gay guy that I would have with SCL. But it felt strange. Afterward we went by the White House, which was all lit up. Now THIS felt like a date, and I felt uncomfortable. I kept saying how I really want to be single for awhile, and he kept telling me to keep my mind open. We talked about getting another drink, but I said I'd like to make it an early night and headed home. I'm glad I did. I needed go home and cry a bit. I've lost so much, and I still can't believe this is my life.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know myself at all. I stare at myself in the mirror and I wonder, who is that woman. I'd like to get to know her before I get into another relationship. Otherwise I think I'll be looking to find her in another person. And she's never going to be there.

6 comments:

  1. It's good that you're getting back out there, but I think you're right. As long as you're still thinking of dates in terms of how SCL will feel about then (i.e. when you said it would be a "nice little jab"), then I think that means you're not ready to jump back into a relationship.

    My best friend was serial monogamist through high school and college. When she broke up with her high school sweetheart after 4 years, I told her she should take some time to get to know herself. Instead, she jumped right back into what should have been a rebound relationship and ended up lasting two years. He was a complete loser and she was mistreated throughout the entire relationship, and I think part of the reason she got involved with him in the first place is because she was so vulnerable after breaking up with her first love.

    Anyway, after that relationship ended, she was single for the first time in her adult life for over a year. She focused on her health, dealt with a borderline drinking problem she'd been struggling with since college, and really got to know herself. After a year she met a fantastic guy who is finally the partner she deserves, and she says it's because she took that time to really get to know herself and figure out what she wanted.

    I'm not saying you're in the same situation as she was, but I do believe it can't hurt to take some time to yourself after a serious relationship ends.

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  2. I think it's good that you're putting yourself out there again but that you realize that maybe being single for awhile will help you find yourself.

    The minute I started dating I went from one relationship to another. It wasn't until a big breakup in college that I realized that I really needed to not date for awhile. I realized that I was jumping from guy to guy and that I had no idea who I really was.

    The first date after a breakup is always the worst. At least for me it was. I always found myself comparing the guy to my ex and feeling sad. Hated it.

    It sounds like you're trying to be as healthy about this as you possibly can. And I'm sure all of us here in the bloggy world are here for you when you need us!

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  3. Thanks, K & K! Believe me, this guy doesn't know it yet, but he's capital-G GAY. I have very good gaydar. I wouldn't have invited him otherwise, though I do believe he is confused, poor guy.

    Again, thanks for your perspective, and I'm with you--learning to be a single lady is priority #1. Thanks for sticking by me. Don't know what I'd do without my online and offline support systems.

    You both rock.

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  4. I love your philosophy of getting to know you! =D and oh how I am jealous you got to see Chelsea! She is SO funny!! I finished all 3 of her books within days of them coming out!

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  5. Oh my goodness I am so sorry! Breakups are the worst. But just rembemer that this is not the end and one day SCL will realize how much of a idoit he was to let you guy.

    I've been in your place so many times before and I just wish I could convince myself that "one day things would be better and wouldnt even remember whats hisface name" but when you're going through a break up I know all you can think about is whats his face!

    just surrond yourself with booze, books, and bestfriends!
    :)

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  6. Thanks, Nicole! I think it's the best plan for healing. Chelsea was AWESOME! If you ever get a chance to see her, you should go. She was drinking Belvedere vodka out of a blue solo cup on stage. Ridiculously funny.

    The 'L" spot--thanks for the comment love. You're right; perspective doesn't really help that much right now, but you ARE right that one day this is not going to hurt so much.

    You women are the best. Thanks for writing and for sending lots of encouragement. I got through the first week!

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