My first post break-up date

I went out last night on a date--a date that SCL and I were supposed to have gone on together. For Valentine's Day he had gotten us tickets to see Chelsea Handler, not exactly a creative gift as we'd just seen Kathy Griffin at the same venue a few weeks prior, but one I was excited about nonetheless. Perhaps I should have suspected something then--when his Valentine's Day card thanked me for being a "best friend." I remember being disappointed that it didn't say more, that it didn't talk about our love, our partnership. I'd come not to expect SCL to share his emotions or his feelings about our relationship except for a few times a year: my birthday, Valentine's Day, and our anniversary. He'd write me these beautiful cards that would bring tears to my eyes. Not this Valentine's Day though. I should've known then. But who wants to suspect your relationship is winding down on VALENTINE'S DAY?

Anyway, we broke up last Sunday just moments before needing to go to Philadelphia together (great timing, huh? Men are fabulous about that), and on Monday the subject of these tickets came up. "Do you want to find someone else to go with you?" he asked me. "No, I want to go with you," I said. "I don't think that's a great idea," he replied. "I don't care. You can sell the tickets," I said with tears in my eyes. I didn't give a flying fuck about the tickets at that point. He'd just broken my heart, and why would I ever want to go somewhere that was supposed to be "ours"? After a few hours of thinking this over though, I became more indignant than sad. I was going to use those tickets, damn it.

So, when I got a facebook message from a guy I had dinner with a few weeks ago who was writing to say "sorry for your break up," I thought, maybe he'd want to go. Now let me qualify this by saying that when I met this guy, it was at a pro-choice fundraiser and he told me that he wanted to work on women's issues. Of course I assumed he was gay. And I was absolutely shocked a few weeks later when he mentioned a girlfriend. I wanted to ask, "Was your girlfriend's name Robert by chance?" I still think he's confused. But I nonetheless thought it would be kind of a nice little jab to take a guy--gay, straight, bisexual, or confused--with me.

We met for dinner beforehand. I got us seats at the bar (not datelike). We had beers and food. Chelsea Handler was ridiculously funny, and only at a few times did I think to myself, this was supposed to be SCL and me. I didn't miss him too much--I actually think I had more fun with non-date, possibly gay guy that I would have with SCL. But it felt strange. Afterward we went by the White House, which was all lit up. Now THIS felt like a date, and I felt uncomfortable. I kept saying how I really want to be single for awhile, and he kept telling me to keep my mind open. We talked about getting another drink, but I said I'd like to make it an early night and headed home. I'm glad I did. I needed go home and cry a bit. I've lost so much, and I still can't believe this is my life.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know myself at all. I stare at myself in the mirror and I wonder, who is that woman. I'd like to get to know her before I get into another relationship. Otherwise I think I'll be looking to find her in another person. And she's never going to be there.