I'd decided earlier this week that no matter what, I was going to get up to go to church on Palm Sunday. SCL and I had visited a wonderful church (inclusive, LGBT-friendly, justice-focused) back in the fall, but because he wasn't really into going to church, I hadn't gone back. I just never wanted to go alone, and I felt bad dragging him along, knowing he really didn't want to go. But this week I figured out that being part of a faith community was one of the parts of me I had just given up without thinking about it much, and it was making me unhappy not to have that in my life. So, yesterday morning I was up and at 'em, preparing to make the somewhat complicated journey to the church.
I had just gotten out of the shower, and I was ironing my clothes. I'd turned on the TV and America's Next Top Model was on. It was the finale of an early season--maybe 3? I don't know; I'd seen it about a million times. But when Tyra announced America's next top model and both of the women burst into tears, so did I. I cried during America's Next Top Model. Is there anything more embarrassing than that when you're not a) PMSing or b) pregnant?
Maybe it wasn't just the emotionality of the show that made me cry. Maybe I was just looking for a reason to cry. That's more likely as I'd like to give myself more credit than thinking I could really be emotionally manipulated by Tyra Banks. I cried as I ironed, then got myself together and went to the Metro.
Going to church alone was hard as hell. I almost didn't go, but as is true with most things of late, I was so glad I did. The sermon was on regret, and the minister talked about her divorce. She shared how she had non-serious thoughts of keying her ex's truck, but how ultimately it was that inner voice that reminded her she would look back on this with regret if she did it. This really resonated with me, especially my desire not to act like a fool during this process. Truth be told I'm not angry with SCL. But I know I'd be angry with myself if I treated him badly, even though he broke my heart. Hurting him won't unbreak my heart, as Toni Braxton would say.
But better than the good sermon was the good community. The one person I knew there introduced me to the young people in the congregation. They invited me out to lunch, and immediately I felt at home. They could speak theological language! I had no idea how much I have been missing that. I think this'll be another place for me to find community as I move through the process and when I'm past it. I'm really glad that I worked up enough courage to go to church alone, not just because it's an awesome congregation but because I'm learning to take care of myself and do the things that are important to me.
Go me. And maybe today if I do cry, it'll be at something less cheesy than ANTM.