Did I even cry yesterday?

When I crawled into bed last night and sprawled out as much as I could, trying to enjoy having the whole thing to myself, I honestly couldn't remember--did I even cry today? I felt a little triumphant. Only a week since the break-up and already a day of no tears? Then I remembered. Yes, yes I did cry. It's embarrassing, too.

I'd decided earlier this week that no matter what, I was going to get up to go to church on Palm Sunday. SCL and I had visited a wonderful church (inclusive, LGBT-friendly, justice-focused) back in the fall, but because he wasn't really into going to church, I hadn't gone back. I just never wanted to go alone, and I felt bad dragging him along, knowing he really didn't want to go. But this week I figured out that being part of a faith community was one of the parts of me I had just given up without thinking about it much, and it was making me unhappy not to have that in my life. So, yesterday morning I was up and at 'em, preparing to make the somewhat complicated journey to the church.

I had just gotten out of the shower, and I was ironing my clothes. I'd turned on the TV and America's Next Top Model was on. It was the finale of an early season--maybe 3? I don't know; I'd seen it about a million times. But when Tyra announced America's next top model and both of the women burst into tears, so did I. I cried during America's Next Top Model. Is there anything more embarrassing than that when you're not a) PMSing or b) pregnant?

Maybe it wasn't just the emotionality of the show that made me cry. Maybe I was just looking for a reason to cry. That's more likely as I'd like to give myself more credit than thinking I could really be emotionally manipulated by Tyra Banks. I cried as I ironed, then got myself together and went to the Metro.

Going to church alone was hard as hell. I almost didn't go, but as is true with most things of late, I was so glad I did. The sermon was on regret, and the minister talked about her divorce. She shared how she had non-serious thoughts of keying her ex's truck, but how ultimately it was that inner voice that reminded her she would look back on this with regret if she did it. This really resonated with me, especially my desire not to act like a fool during this process. Truth be told I'm not angry with SCL. But I know I'd be angry with myself if I treated him badly, even though he broke my heart. Hurting him won't unbreak my heart, as Toni Braxton would say.

But better than the good sermon was the good community. The one person I knew there introduced me to the young people in the congregation. They invited me out to lunch, and immediately I felt at home. They could speak theological language! I had no idea how much I have been missing that. I think this'll be another place for me to find community as I move through the process and when I'm past it. I'm really glad that I worked up enough courage to go to church alone, not just because it's an awesome congregation but because I'm learning to take care of myself and do the things that are important to me.

Go me. And maybe today if I do cry, it'll be at something less cheesy than ANTM.

10 comments:

  1. Tears aren't a bad thing. They're completely necessary and healthy (as I'm sure you already know, but it doesn't hurt to be reminded). It is definitely a victory that you had to stop and think about whether you cried. I'm sure that first day there was a LOT more crying. I can remember break ups where I couldn't do anything for days without crying. So you're healing! Like you said, it's only been a week.

    It is amazing that you picked yourself up and went to church. I'm sure you'll find great comfort there, and it's a huge step that you were able to go and do this for yourself by yourself. Way to go!

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  2. Oh, and congrats on surviving week 1! The worst part really is over. It's all up hill from here!

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  3. You are so right. Tears are a beautiful, healthy thing. I just get totally blindsided sometimes. I mean, ANTM?! Really?! But I'm trying to stop questioning myself, feeling what I feel, and working through it. I just wish it were culturally acceptable to cry. I hate choking back tears.

    Thanks for the encouragement again. You've been such a fabulous friend! I know it's going to get easier. So far, though, I have yet to believe that there are non-douchey men living in this city. Surely they're out there somewhere.

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  4. Oh, I am so sorry that you went thru a break up. I imagine that was very difficult. I am sorry you are hurting. I remember those dating years and they are filled with angst! So great that you went to church. I always feel the same way you do. I don't want to go at first but then I am so glad that I did! : )

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  5. As someone who cries over EVERYTHING (except my wedding, where I oddly did not cry once the whole day) I think tears can be so healthy and good for you.

    And good for you for getting out there. This post sounds so upbeat and maybe you can find things that YOU love with no one holding you back.

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  6. Thanks, Krysten! I'm doing my best to move through this with grace. It's tough though. I cry. A lot. But you're right; it's a good thing. I've found the shower to be one of the best place since the water is already running!

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  7. Hey! I cry at episodes of ANTM! lol I miss that feeling from a church setting, finding one is so hard. Glad you found one to help you out =D

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  8. Nicole, no judgment here. I also cry at that Pampers commercial with all the baby animals and "Forever Young" playing in the background. Can you say "easily manipulated by advertisements"? Lol.

    Yes, am loving the church so far. Going to a young adults' gathering tonight. It's so weird how different my life already looks. Would never have done that before.

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  9. Ha so funny reading this post. I can particularly remember 2 times I cried over silly things in the same situation. Once was when me and my ex got into a fight and i was watching tv and a Trojan commercial came on and a guy and a girl were touching hands seperated by a fence and some romantic song was on and i started crying thinking how beautiful it is that they are in love. Two...was right after me and my bf broke up I was watching something about Mary and started crying during the scene when his zipper gets stuck and then they all start singing the Aerosmith song...which is supposed to be a hilarious moment...and I just bawled. Sigh...just thought id share that...funny to look back on. You def shouldnt feel foolish though and im glad you're doing things for yourself that make YOU happy...

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  10. Trojan commercial--aww! That is sad and funny at the same time. Our emotions are unpredictable, aren't they? So far (and it's almost the end of the day) I have NOT CRIED! Wow, nearly a whole day. Let's see if I can make it. It's good to know I'm in good company with the crying though.

    I find it hardest to watch couples interact in person--especially when they do something that reminds me of my relationship with SCL. The other day in our building a guy was unlocking the apartment door, his girlfriend gave him a little smack on the butt, and I almost lost it because it was SO me and SCL. Damn people with their couple cuteness. I'm going to try to remember this next time I'm in a relationship!

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