Day 3 of break up from SCL. I was doing well until my text message alert went off about an hour ago, about 2:00 a.m. "Could it be him? What if it's him?" I thought. I better get up to see what it said. Maybe he'd be saying, "I miss you. I made the biggest mistake. I'm so sorry. Please, let's work it out."
Of course it wasn't him. It was a friend, returning a text from earlier in the evening. Why in the world she was awake at 2:00 I have no idea. But now I can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning for over an hour, my mind racing with thoughts and fears and "what if"s.
I hate not being able to sleep. I've only had a few patches of insomnia in my life, most of them trauma-related. There is something so miserable about being awake when the rest of the world is quiet. It means I'm alone--alone with my thoughts, feelings, and tears.
I'm so resistant to this change. This isn't what I want! How could he go and make such a huge decision that affects me without even talking with me first? Does he have no respect for our relationship at all that he would go forward with something so extreme without first coming to me? He never gave us a chance.
He's staying with a friend tonight. I've been pacing around our apartment, touching his clothes and remembering everything about the past two years. It hurts. As one of my books says, it hurts like a motherf***er. There's nothing anyone could do about it. Except him. He could make it better. He could figure out what an asshole he's being, that I'm a total badass girlfriend, and start getting his shit together. But I can't wait around to see if that happens.