Whenever I open my fridge, I see this on the bottom shelf. A Coca-Cola, an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie, and a note written on the post-its I gave SCL for Christmas: "You can have this." He left it for me yesterday, and I haven't figured out what to do with it. I've managed to put the pictures away, the mementos in the closet, but this plate in the fridge I can't seem to part with. It seems simple enough really: drink the Coca-Cola, eat the cookie or throw it away, toss the note, wash the plate. Enough already! What's with the drama?
But unlike the pictures and other reminders, this I seem to forget about until I need to get a drink of water or some creamer for my coffee. Then BAM! This hits me in the gut.
Every week SCL went to a lunchtime meeting at school where there were always leftovers that he'd take home: usually two Cokes, two bags of chips, and two cookies for us to share. One of those little things that was part of the life we shared together, a part I hadn't thought about losing until I saw this plate. "You can have this." His thinking of me broke my heart because I realized that it was probably the last time he'd think or be able to grab me a cookie. He won't think about me in the same way anymore because...
We aren't the same anymore.
That is what hurts. Knowing things will never be the way they were, the way they were just less than a week ago. Knowing that he's not going to think to pick up that extra cookie for me. It all slipped away from me so fast, without warning. So much adjusting, so much discomfort thrown at me at once when I wasn't expecting it, I wasn't prepared, I was caught off guard. Frankly, I'm angry that I have to do all of this work, to adjust to a life that I don't want. At least I don't want it just yet. It's hard to imagine ever wanting this, ever being content to be without him and by myself.
I feel weak and alone and miserable and confused. And I just want a puppy, damn it!
Last night SCL stayed over Thursday. We talked. It took everything I had in me not to climb in bed with him and hold him close. He was upset, and I found myself comforting him because that is what I do. I comfort him. Why can't I comfort myself?
Wow.
ReplyDeleteI'm not even sure what to say. I wish I could give you a big hug. Reading all this throws me right back to the worst breakup I ever had. A "crying, begging, not eating" breakup that took me far longer than in should have to get over.
First, I'm so sorry. I've been there and I know that pain and it just SUCKS.
Second, I learned first hand that if you do want a friendship from an ex you need TIME. It doesn't happen overnight and if you try to force it you could end up with a very big mess. That's almost worse than the breakup itself.
It does eventually get easier. I know that probably doesn't help NOW but just keep telling yourself that it will get easier.
This is a tough one...I am sorry your feeling like this. I remember THAT break up and it was tough I mean like I needed pills to calm myself! But everyday was a little easier. My mom got rid of all the "evidence" for me...Would you like me to come over and eat that cookie and coke!?! I totally will ;) Hang in there hun.
ReplyDeleteHa ha, well I was a bit hung over this morning, so I drank the Coke. Threw away the cookie because the sight of it made me nauseated. Tossed the note in the trash along with the cookie. Put the plate in the dishwasher. Who knew a hangover could be a break-up blues remedy?
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