What Exactly Happened Between Us; Part 1 Version 2.0, A Dramatic Interpretation of the Events of March 9th
Funny, it hasn't been that long, but I've already misremembered how some of this happened. I neglected to mention a big part of this whole conversation that happened between the "I don't think we should live together" and the bawling, snotting, and begging SCL not to leave. Here's the updated version of Part 1--a dramatic interpretation, my own paraphrasing and snarkiness added for effect and possible humor.
(SCL takes me lovingly in his arms. Holds me close)
SCL: Do you have time to talk?
Me: Sure...I guess.
SCL: Why are we living together?
Me: Why are you asking?
SCL: Why are we living together?
Me: Blah blah I love you blah blah we live so well together blah blah I love my life with you blah blah I want to share my life with you blah blah We are so great together blah blah Living with you is so easy blah blah blah
Lovey dovey, kind of nervously spoken affirmations of our relationship continue for several minutes
Me: Why do you think we live together?
SCL: We moved in together because we were going to get engaged. Now we aren't, and I'm wondering if it's a good idea for us to continue to live together just because it makes us happy. I don't think that's enough of a reason.
Me: What? WTF????
SCL: I'm trying to be honest, and it's really hard!
I storm out of apartment, call best friend, go shopping, wait until dark to return home to really show him. Return home prepared to let SCL have it big time.
Enter apartment. No SCL in sight. Go to retrieve him from downstairs lobby area.
Me: I have a few things I'd like to say to you. Although you are being honest, which I appreciate, you are also being incredibly selfish. You aren't thinking of me or our relationship in all of this.
SCL: What, do you not want me to share with you how I'm feeling?
Me: No, I want you to be honest, but I'm telling you that what you are honestly feeling IS selfish! You are only thinking of yourself.
SCL: So my feelings don't matter?
Me: They do, but you're acting like your feelings are the only important thing in this situation. This affects both of us. You are constantly changing the course of our relationship based on how YOU feel.
SCL: I just feel dissatisfied and unsettled in the relationship. Living together is still a big adjustment for me. And it's not some little thing that is going to make me feel better. I don't think I'm ever going to feel better about it.
Me (shocked): Why were you not telling me any of this? Why are you waiting until now?
Me: So, you want to move out?
Me: So, you want to move out...and keep dating?
Me: So, you want to BREAK UP WITH ME?
SCL: I feel like that's the only honest thing I can do.
Me: Gasp Butyoupromisedyou'dneverdothistome. Sob Youtoldmeyou'dneverleaveme. Gasp I can'tbelieveyou'redoingthistome. Sob
More crying and gnashing of teeth continue.
Discussing anything about our relationship was like pulling teeth. I'd ask SCL a question and sometimes wait for 5-10 minutes for him to answer. Sometimes he would never answer my question EVER. It was the most frustrating thing, feeling like he must be thinking something but just not sharing it with me. I felt like I was badgering him, but I couldn't accept silence as an answer. I understood that he has a lot of difficulty sharing his thoughts and feelings (I know, men are taught to repress feelings. Three words: GET A THERAPIST), but c'mon, just a few words would have been helpful. Instead he waited until things got really bad in his head to tell me about it, and by then it was clear his mind had been made up. This wasn't a conversation at all. It was a time for him to reveal how he was feeling and for me to react to it.
All of those minutes I spent waiting for him to say something, anything? I'd like those back, please.
Up until that day, I had NEVER walked out on SCL during a fight. I always managed to keep it together and hear him out, but when he began questioning our relationship and its very foundation, I couldn't handle it. I had to get out, take a breather, and come back for round 2. And it was a good thing I did. You'll never guess what he told me later that night... (Aren't you intrigued?)
Return tomorrow for Part 2 of What Exactly Happened Between Us.