Funny, it hasn't been that long, but I've already misremembered how some of this happened. I neglected to mention a big part of this whole conversation that happened between the "I don't think we should live together" and the bawling, snotting, and begging SCL not to leave. Here's the updated version of Part 1--a dramatic interpretation, my own paraphrasing and snarkiness added for effect and possible humor.
(SCL takes me lovingly in his arms. Holds me close)
SCL: Do you have time to talk?
Me: Sure...I guess.
SCL: Why are we living together?
Me: Why are you asking?
SCL: Why are we living together?
Me: Blah blah I love you blah blah we live so well together blah blah I love my life with you blah blah I want to share my life with you blah blah We are so great together blah blah Living with you is so easy blah blah blah
Lovey dovey, kind of nervously spoken affirmations of our relationship continue for several minutes
Me: Why do you think we live together?
SCL: We moved in together because we were going to get engaged. Now we aren't, and I'm wondering if it's a good idea for us to continue to live together just because it makes us happy. I don't think that's enough of a reason.
Me: What? WTF????
SCL: I'm trying to be honest, and it's really hard!
Me: WTF????
I storm out of apartment, call best friend, go shopping, wait until dark to return home to really show him. Return home prepared to let SCL have it big time.
Enter apartment. No SCL in sight. Go to retrieve him from downstairs lobby area.
Me: I have a few things I'd like to say to you. Although you are being honest, which I appreciate, you are also being incredibly selfish. You aren't thinking of me or our relationship in all of this.
SCL: What, do you not want me to share with you how I'm feeling?
Me: No, I want you to be honest, but I'm telling you that what you are honestly feeling IS selfish! You are only thinking of yourself.
SCL: So my feelings don't matter?
Me: They do, but you're acting like your feelings are the only important thing in this situation. This affects both of us. You are constantly changing the course of our relationship based on how YOU feel.
SCL: I just feel dissatisfied and unsettled in the relationship. Living together is still a big adjustment for me. And it's not some little thing that is going to make me feel better. I don't think I'm ever going to feel better about it.
Me (shocked): Why were you not telling me any of this? Why are you waiting until now?
Silence.
Me: So, you want to move out?
Silence.
Me: So, you want to move out...and keep dating?
Silence.
Me: So, you want to BREAK UP WITH ME?
SCL: I feel like that's the only honest thing I can do.
Me: Gasp Butyoupromisedyou'dneverdothistome. Sob Youtoldmeyou'dneverleaveme. Gasp I can'tbelieveyou'redoingthistome. Sob
More crying and gnashing of teeth continue.
End scene
-----
Discussing anything about our relationship was like pulling teeth. I'd ask SCL a question and sometimes wait for 5-10 minutes for him to answer. Sometimes he would never answer my question EVER. It was the most frustrating thing, feeling like he must be thinking something but just not sharing it with me. I felt like I was badgering him, but I couldn't accept silence as an answer. I understood that he has a lot of difficulty sharing his thoughts and feelings (I know, men are taught to repress feelings. Three words: GET A THERAPIST), but c'mon, just a few words would have been helpful. Instead he waited until things got really bad in his head to tell me about it, and by then it was clear his mind had been made up. This wasn't a conversation at all. It was a time for him to reveal how he was feeling and for me to react to it.
All of those minutes I spent waiting for him to say something, anything? I'd like those back, please.
Up until that day, I had NEVER walked out on SCL during a fight. I always managed to keep it together and hear him out, but when he began questioning our relationship and its very foundation, I couldn't handle it. I had to get out, take a breather, and come back for round 2. And it was a good thing I did. You'll never guess what he told me later that night... (Aren't you intrigued?)
Return tomorrow for Part 2 of What Exactly Happened Between Us.
Nothing like hindsight to put these conversations into perspective. It's hard to remember how things went when emotions are so high, but it seems like you handled the situation well.
ReplyDeleteI'm just curious ... at what point did you decide that you wouldn't be getting engaged? You've mentioned that a few times as SCL's primary reason for wanting to end the relationship, but it seems like the decision to back out of your plans for engagement are a pretty big turning point. What happened to make you two decide not to get engaged?
Well, that was definitely NOT a "we" decision. I should write a blog about this, too. So many blogs to write about this whole situation!
ReplyDeleteBack in the fall, we had been looking at rings. I was really excited about it, but SCL got pretty tired of hearing me talk about our engagement, and eventually confessed that he didn't feel like he would be ready by the time we had discussed--this spring. It wasn't a "I never want to get engaged" conversation, but more of a "Not right now." EVERYONE online told me that meant "I don't ever want to get engaged to you," but I didn't want to believe that. I wanted to believe he just needed another year or so, then he'd come around and feel ready.
In my mind, I had decided I'd give us at least another year and then reassess things. I didn't want to stay in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere, but I also wasn't ready to give up this early. Yes, a blog post about this will be coming up. Adding to "to blog" list, which is growing exponentially long.
If it had been me him using the word "honest" would have pissed me off beyond belief...clearly he hadn't been being honest for a long time if this came out of nowhere. Saying your being honest (now) doesn't make it ok. Just my two cents. :)
ReplyDeleteCee, I'm with you. Honesty is not the greatest good in a relationship. it is critical, but so is sensitivity, communication, and understanding. In that moment, I really felt like he was only being honest. And I WAS pissed that he had been holding so much back from me. Basically he didn't give us a chance to work out whatever he was feeling. Instead he waited until it was too late, blindsiding me and disempowering me. Not a fan.
ReplyDeleteI am sooooo very sorry, this makes me so sad. I think a broken heart should be the most visible injury of them all. ""We could only wonder how she would be able to dust herself off and start over again. And yet we knew we couldn't bear for her not to, and felt ever more optimistic that after all her struggles, she would someday meet her man, her equal a man with the same charisma, love of life, ...and humanity she possessed. In the meantime, she'd have her friends and the knowledge that she deserved the world." SATC
ReplyDeleteAw, SATC. I keep thinking of the part where Charlotte is in the bookstore in the self-help section, looking for "Starting Over Yet Again." "Travel?! Travel?!"
ReplyDeleteI did feel sort of funny getting all of my break-up books out of the library. Hard to have, as you say, such a visible wound.
I agree that these conversations seem so different when you look back on them. Bear and I have had arguments that last way too long and I too have been guilty of taking forever to answer. Thanks for making me see how unfair it is (he's told me but your perspective helps).
ReplyDeleteAnd celebration - you've made it through yet another few days! Hugs!
I love Jennifer Aniston in that movie! Interesting post!
ReplyDeleteLW, you're right. That whole 20/20 hindsight thing is true. I think I just didn't want to see what he was telling me. It didn't help that he wasn't saying it in a very direct way either. And yes, we're getting close to going on two weeks. Celebration indeed!
ReplyDeleteGG, glad you find my heartache interesting. LOL. :-) Thanks for saying hi!
While I appreciate his "honesty" and not leading you on any LONGER....WTF!?! how about not wait til this blows up and beats you down and changes your life dramatically!? I am like you I will wait around for a friggin answer! Hello I asked you a question! I just cant understand why it has to be all held in, like we deserve AT least to clue us in! and Yes I am intrigued! I totally bypassed all the April Fools Day posts for yours haha =D
ReplyDeleteTell us! Tell us! Tell us! My bf and I recently broke up and this is so close to how it went down! Oh girl, the feelings and emotions I had are all coming back to me. I'll be back tomorrow but you BETTER tell us ;-)
ReplyDeleteNicole, I LOVE YOU. Your comments are the best and totally resonate with the part of me that is still pretty pissed off. Thank you, doll!
ReplyDeleteSD, I promise that it'll be up soon. Sorry to hear about your break-up, too. We chickadees have to stick together.