Who was I kidding?

For real, there is nothing good enough in the world--not even an invitation to the White House--that can ease the pain of a new break-up. That is what I'm finding to be the absolute worst part of this whole process thus far: it's the times when I think I'm going to be distracted from the pain and I find I'm not. It catches me off guard, in a public place where I need to appear like I'm paying attention to what is actually happening, where I can't cry, where I must keep my composure. THIS IS THE WORST.

So far this has happened three times I can distinctly recall:
  1. During my first meeting as member of the Board of Directors for a national organization yesterday, we were in the middle of conversations about funding sources, and I all I could think about was SCL. So, I pretended to "take notes" and journaled continuously for the next hour. Once the meeting adjourned, I proceeded to continue journaling for another hour, resulting in over 10 pages of legal-sized paper of my feelings, thoughts, and woes. I put them in an envelope, sealed it, and vowed not to open it until March 25, 2011 when hopefully I can look back and see how far I've come. That is the hope anyway.
  2. At a happy hour with friends and colleagues, conversations arose about aforementioned organization, how it's up shit's creek, and how bad the management is. I proceeded to mentally check out, nurse my cosmopolitan, and think of yelling in the middle of Union Station "I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT THIS ORGANIZATION RIGHT NOW! I JUST WENT THROUGH A BREAK-UP WITH THE MAN I WAS SUPPOSED TO MARRY!" Somehow I managed to restrain myself and simply had another cosmo.
  3. While the White House meeting was fine (and way too jam-packed to think of anything but how cool it all was and how difficult it was to get a word in edgewise with all the personalities in the room), the conversation I had with friends afterward was not. Let me be clear: I don't give a shit about politics. I mean, I do because it's a necessity, but honestly after this debacle over health care, do we all REALLY believe the government alone will solve the looming problems of the world? I just found myself getting pissed, quiet, and resentful that no one was observing how sad I was. Hello, I just went through a break up! Aren't you all supposed to be caring for me? Let's just say I'm not in a place to talk politics when all I want to talk about is how shitty I feel.
And now I'm home, had myself a good cry for about five minutes, blogging to you, contemplating if I'm going to drinks with a friend who right now I find completely irritating, insensitive, and overwhelming. Do I put myself back together, head out the door, and hope for the best? I don't know. I just don't know.

I hate being a type-A, emotional overachiever. I love processes, being mature, taking things well, and generally being above-average when it comes to dealing with hard shit. But right now I'm just pissed and want to throw things and beg SCL to please come back and do all of the stuff that I'm not "supposed" to do. Well, I don't care right now. I want to be ME, in the moment, feeling what feeling. And right now I'm having a pity party.

4 comments:

  1. Sometimes being alone is the best thing we can do in a situation like that! An a pity party is totally necessary!

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  2. You are so right, friend. You are so right. I'm home right now, crying my little eyes out and preparing to take a nap.

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  3. Pity party, drinks, and a good movie! oh a nap works too.... =D

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  4. I have not yet done the good movie or naps. But I did just get a bunch of fun books from the library, and they are proving to be a good distraction! Also going to bed early tonight (before midnight) and hoping to sleep in.

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