A new blog friend asked "Where is the post where you talk about what happened with your break-up?" And I had to admit that I didn't really have one, except for the vague, ranty post from last Monday afternoon. It was more about how I was feeling than about what went down, which was appropriate at the time. I needed the release. But I haven't told the break-up story, so buckle your seat belts, 'cause here we go.
Let's go back to March 9th. I remember the day because it was three days before I had to give two huge presentations at our board meetings. I was stressed and exhausted when SCL took me by the waist sweetly and asked me sort of sheepishly, "Why do we live together?" What a weird question, I thought. "Why are you asking me?" I replied, suspicious and feeling uneasy about him asking. This couldn't be good. But he kept insisting that I explain why we were living together now that we no longer planned to get engaged in the near future.
Eventually, I decided that I'd just fucking answer the question and began listing dozens of reasons why I loved living with him. I loved sharing our life, I loved his company, I was happy, blah blah blah. He then asks, "Do you think just enjoying living together is enough of a reason to continue living together?" **Let me just say that a year ago, before we moved to DC, SCL and I had a plan. We would move in together, get engaged a year later, and married in 2012. Sounds nice, doesn't it? I sure thought so. Yeah, so moving in together was a step toward marriage. Otherwise I wouldn't have done it.
At this point in the conversation, I was beginning to get agitated. SCL was the one who got cold feet about the engagement, not me. I was ready to take the step; he wasn't. It took me a lot of time to come around to accepting this for the time being, but I finally had accepted it--and now he was using his own fickleness as a justification for moving out?! So I asked, "Do you want to move out? Is that what you're saying?" He went on to say he didn't feel like convenience or being happy was enough of a reason to live together when we had done so with the intention of getting engaged. I couldn't believe it. He was pulling the rug out from underneath me again! First, no engagement. Now, he wants to move out? WTF?!
So, I had to push him again. "Do you want to move out and continue the relationship? Or are you saying you're breaking up with me?" With some hesitance he admitted that he felt ending the relationship was the only honest thing he could do--whatever the hell that meant. I then went into hysterics, bawling and begging him not to do this to me. Over and over again, I was sobbing, "Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to me?" I was snotting everywhere, begging him not go. I was quite the pathetic sight. I couldn't believe what was happening.
Believe it or not, this was NOT the night we broke up officially. That would come later. Even that night, though, I couldn't be angry with him. When he got upset and starting crying, I comforted him. I wanted to understand what was going on, where all of this was coming from. Looking back on it, I see how much more I had been giving all along--trying to understand him, trying to be sensitive and compassionate. I don't regret any of those things. I want to be that kind of partner. But I also want a partner who wants to show me all of those things in return.
To be continued...
To be continued...
(Picture from Ladera Resort, St. Lucia where SCL and I went on vacation last June)