What Exactly Happened Between Us: Part 1


A new blog friend asked "Where is the post where you talk about what happened with your break-up?" And I had to admit that I didn't really have one, except for the vague, ranty post from last Monday afternoon. It was more about how I was feeling than about what went down, which was appropriate at the time. I needed the release. But I haven't told the break-up story, so buckle your seat belts, 'cause here we go.

Let's go back to March 9th. I remember the day because it was three days before I had to give two huge presentations at our board meetings. I was stressed and exhausted when SCL took me by the waist sweetly and asked me sort of sheepishly, "Why do we live together?" What a weird question, I thought. "Why are you asking me?" I replied, suspicious and feeling uneasy about him asking. This couldn't be good. But he kept insisting that I explain why we were living together now that we no longer planned to get engaged in the near future.

Eventually, I decided that I'd just fucking answer the question and began listing dozens of reasons why I loved living with him. I loved sharing our life, I loved his company, I was happy, blah blah blah. He then asks, "Do you think just enjoying living together is enough of a reason to continue living together?" **Let me just say that a year ago, before we moved to DC, SCL and I had a plan. We would move in together, get engaged a year later, and married in 2012. Sounds nice, doesn't it? I sure thought so. Yeah, so moving in together was a step toward marriage. Otherwise I wouldn't have done it.

At this point in the conversation, I was beginning to get agitated. SCL was the one who got cold feet about the engagement, not me. I was ready to take the step; he wasn't. It took me a lot of time to come around to accepting this for the time being, but I finally had accepted it--and now he was using his own fickleness as a justification for moving out?! So I asked, "Do you want to move out? Is that what you're saying?" He went on to say he didn't feel like convenience or being happy was enough of a reason to live together when we had done so with the intention of getting engaged. I couldn't believe it. He was pulling the rug out from underneath me again! First, no engagement. Now, he wants to move out? WTF?!

So, I had to push him again. "Do you want to move out and continue the relationship? Or are you saying you're breaking up with me?" With some hesitance he admitted that he felt ending the relationship was the only honest thing he could do--whatever the hell that meant. I then went into hysterics, bawling and begging him not to do this to me. Over and over again, I was sobbing, "Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to me?" I was snotting everywhere, begging him not go. I was quite the pathetic sight. I couldn't believe what was happening.

Believe it or not, this was NOT the night we broke up officially. That would come later. Even that night, though, I couldn't be angry with him. When he got upset and starting crying, I comforted him. I wanted to understand what was going on, where all of this was coming from. Looking back on it, I see how much more I had been giving all along--trying to understand him, trying to be sensitive and compassionate. I don't regret any of those things. I want to be that kind of partner. But I also want a partner who wants to show me all of those things in return.

To be continued...

(Picture from Ladera Resort, St. Lucia where SCL and I went on vacation last June)

13 comments:

  1. thank you for sharing. maybe re-hashing will help make it make sense?

    or maybe not. these things never make sense.

    for you: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_sJKV5A7DUis/S7NdI-RaYdI/AAAAAAAAB0Q/S-uTxEbS4k8/s1600/givetimetime.jpg

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  2. I think you're very brave for putting this out in cyberspace. And maybe this will help to get closure for the entire situation.

    I remember begging an ex to stay with me. Ugh, I hated it. It's like, you don't want to do it but you can't help yourself, you know?

    Just keep going one day at a time.

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  3. Thanks to you both. Love the pic, LW! I don't feel brave, but I do feel like it's good to be open about things like this. At first I felt embarrassed about it. I'd written this blog, told all my friends what a great relationship we had, and then I found out it wasn't what I thought. How embarrassing and hurtful! But now I feel like it's just part of my life, a part I'm not ashamed of, and a part that I will learn from a lot. I already am.

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  4. I just got through skimming all your old posts. First of all...I really like your blog and writing style and I'm looking forward to reading more. As for the breakup…the whole thing gives me such a pit in my stomach. I live with my boyfriend who is in law school and I really can relate to a lot of the things you talked about when you and SCL were together. Not that I’m trying to make this about me or anything…I just can imagine how crazy I would be if me and my bf to break up…not to mention the hassle of dealing with him moving out and separating stuff. You seem really strong and to be working through this the best way possible. Hang in there.

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  5. Cee, really glad you like the blog. I like it, too. :-) As for your situation, I really hope my blog does not come across as a cautionary tale about dating students. I really think that SCL's being a student had only a partial impact on our breaking up. Had we both wanted to make it work, we could have for sure. But yeah, it had never crossed my mind that we COULD break-up, and maybe just having thought about it being in the realm of possibility would have make things a bit easier. Thanks for reading the WHOLE blog (impressive), and I look forward to staying connected with you!

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  6. Its amazing how at different points in your life you can look at a picture from the past (i.e. your st. lucia picture) and think how cute...the 2 chairs, together, symbolizing our relationship. And now...the 2 empty chairs look rather lonely...as does the whole picture.

    Anyhow...I'm the one who asked about what exactly happened between you two so i appreciate the post as well as the semi shout out lol...i'm sure it's not easy reliving the experience. You may not feel brave or courageous for doing any of this but trust me...I have been going through a rollercoaster of emotions and hell the past month and I too....thought this guy was my soulmate...breaking up was not even an option...yet he left...and hasn't even looked back. I can't explain the difference between having somebody say "omg i'm so sorry i've been there stay strong the only thing that helps is time...etc etc" as opposed to reading what you're going through. There's something therapeutic about reading that somebody shares the exact same emotions as you. A strong confident woman, who obviously has her head on straight and has a good job and is essentially independent...and to watch her breakdown. Just how you mention being at work and you're in a meeting and all you can think about is your ex. I mean...there was literally times where I would go out with my friends and we would be in a crowd and someone would be telling a story and everyone would be laughing and I would just watch them laugh and try and remember what it's like to just be happy and be able to crack up at some stupid joke. It all seemed surreal to me. I would sit on the subway to work and look at people and think "I wish i was in their shoes right now...they dont feel how i feel right now...they just see a girl on the subway...they don't know my heart is completely broken"

    You ARE strong and you are brave because if it makes any difference...you've helped me. This blog is so inspirational and I love your honesty and the random curses you throw in because that's just how you feel. I love it all...seriously...don't stop.

    -ivillage friend and now loyal blog follower :)

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  7. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined the blogosphere to be a place to find such compassionate, loving community and with people I've never met before. Anna, thank you for asking me to spell things out (more to come when I can work up the guts!), and for sharing your heart and story with me. Just knowing that navigating this journey and writing about it are helping someone (wonderful you!) assures me that all shall be well (to paraphrase Julian of Norwich). I'll keep writing; don't you worry. You keep taking good care of yourself. Glad to have friends in this process.

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  8. While reading this my eyes actually filled with tears! I can just feel your pain, I think we've all been in that place before! It would kill me too not knowing where it was coming from and it seems like he was so casual about! I'm happy you realize you deserve so much better!

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  9. p.s. have you ever listened to Carrie Underwood's "Lessons Learned?"..you should. Lemme know what you think. :)

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  10. Aww, L! Didn't mean to make you cry, but I guess pain is pain is pain. We all feel it. And while SCL is a wonderful man, I do hope to find someone who clicks with me better next time.

    Ann, I hadn't listened to that song in a LONG time! This is definitely the attitude I'm trying to have through this process. It isn't always easy, but I'm sure trying.

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  11. Isnt it something to realize something this HUGE and not break up becasue we are too busy caring? In my 1st relationship we had this kind of talk in dec but didnt break up until April!? What the heck!?

    p.s. I admire you for putting all this out here in blogosphere. Hopefully it will help the healing process =D

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  12. I found this blog from a friend's friend's followers list and just checked it out.Omg ! what a beautiful blog,sharing everything isn't easy but rather courageous.Everyone going through this would be able to relate to this and also feel they are not alone.
    It is just a matter of time and you would bounce back,which you are starting to from the 26 days later post you wrote.

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  13. Sugarkanke, so glad you are liking the blog. It is quite a journey, and reading this post over again, I see how far I've come. Glad you're reading. :-)

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