My Confessions (From This Week)

So, I haven't been totally transparent on the blog this week, not that I feel the need to be, but I've definitely been highly selective in sharing what has been going on. And, my stress level remains at what seems like an all-time high, despite getting a fantastic massage yesterday afternoon. In an attempt to unwind, I'm going to write what's really been on my mind this week in the hopes that I get some relief...and that you all don't judge me too harshly. (Or, that Comment Bouncer is on her A-game.)

Confession 1: I have seen SCL three times this week. Before you yell a completely justified "WTF?!" let me explain...and then you can resume with the "WTF?!"ing. On Sunday I got home around 2:00, went to sleep for four hours, and woke up hungry, exhausted, and cranky. I got a text from SCL, "I know you must be tired and hungry, so would you like to come over and have some pizza?" At that point, I didn't even care if it was a good idea. Comment Bouncer, being the good friend that she is, asked, "Is this such a good idea?" No, it wasn't, and I knew going into it, I was tired and feeling vulnerable, especially after the wedding. But, I went anyway. I was glad to see him and sad.Then I saw him the following two days. Once to rescue him after he got stranded (long story). I offered to get him. The third time, I really can't justify. I was feeling pathetic and lonely, and basically invited myself over. Before you get too worried, nothing happened. But I definitely am hurting after the fact.

Confession 2: Dr. Nutrition is driving me bat shit crazy. On Monday morning I sent him an email, asking he'd like to go back to the wine tasting. Yesterday afternoon he sends me the following (edited a bit):
"Hi, I'm glad you had fun at the wedding. I'd love to go to the wine tasting, but unfortunately I'm reffing that night. What are you up to this weekend? I'm going to be in another state. Awesome!" 
Hmm, this is very odd, don't you think? Awesome that you'll be out of town this weekend and we can't see each other? I'm trying not to read too much into it, and since he asked me a question, I responded with the following.
"Hey, too bad you can't make it. It'd be fun to watch you ref sometime. My friend is visiting this weekend, so I'll be showing her a good time. Now that I'm home, we should get together when you're free."
This is not the first time he's been flaky. I'll see what he says back. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a little anxious about it...and that I'm not compulsively checking email to see if he's written back.

Confession 3: Mr. Editor has a stutter, and it was awkward. I feel like a shitty-ass person for saying that, but our date was totally weird. We didn't have a lot to talk about, but I feel bad for not liking a guy who I am sure has a tough time dating. But, chemistry can't be forced, and I would feel even more terrible if I went on a second pity date with him. Struggling not to feel shitty though...

Confession 4: I feel like a fucking mess in general. I hate that being with SCL was the calmest I've felt since coming back. I hate feeling stressed out about my friend visiting, when all I really want is a weekend alone. I hate knowing that if Dr. Nutrition just wrote back, I'd feel a lot less anxious and could go about my business normally. I hate that I've given anyone that much power. He's not the first one. This is totally a pattern for me. And I don't know how to fix it. Being in therapy and doing exercises about helping myself recharge showed me that I really don't know how to take care of myself. I'm good at the external things, but when those don't work, I don't know what to do. I've spent a lot of the last few days in tears, very similar to back in July when SCL and I broke up the second time. Maybe it's all just cyclical, but it's disappointing  to feel back at square one, even if some of it's my own doing.

These are my confessions. Be gentle.

15 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing. I'm glad you're back; I've missed reading your blog.

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  2. I have the same weaknesses. I am also in counseling and trying to figure out how to fulfill myself. I seem to have extremely externally-based self-esteem. If I'm rejected by a guy, I take it terribly.

    I'm similarly spinning, being in a similar boat. Not that much time has passed between you and SCL, and everything else is so new. When I think about what we're going through, I realize that all of this is normal but dayum, it's a struggle, this growth stuff, isn't it? My counselor told me I wouldn't be in an emotionally-confident place for at least a year. sigh

    Hugs, hope your week goes better.

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  3. Dudette. You just need to calm your rear down when it comes to Dr. Nutrition. I totally read his "Awesome!" as sarcastic, meaning that he does NOT think it's awesome that he's away. Don't panic.

    And perhaps you feel calmest with SCL because it's a familiar situation? It makes it tough to move on. Don't panic.

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  4. Well you and I have already talked and you know what I think. But if you need to talk more and the internet's not cutting it you can always have my number and we can talk.

    Like I said, just be careful with SCL. That's all I'll say about it. You know that I am the last person that would judge you for something like that but I also know that when you're feeling drained emotionally leaning on the ex isn't always the best idea. Trust me, been there done that. More than once.

    No judgment here babe.

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  5. Ugh. I hate weeks like that when everything is stressing me out. Relationships and breakups are hard, so no judgment on SCL. Just take care of yourself and try not to put yourself in situations that hurt.

    What is the deal with Dr Nutrition? Where is he going all the time? You sure he's not married or something?? It is way too soon to give him that kind of power to create anxiety, but I'm sure most of us have been guilty. I hope he turns out not to be a flake, but call me cynical...

    As for your emotions- give yourself a break. It sounds like you need one. Sometimes things just FEEL off and you need some time to recharge and regroup. Don't be so hard on yourself.

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  6. Don't get too down on yourself... I think we've all been there at one time or another. I recommend a good massage, a bottle of wine, and a girls night out to help you stop fixating on the confusing men in your life. :) Have a great weekend with your friends!

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  7. If you figure out how to stop stressing out over a guy, can you let me know?! I know exactly how you feel about the Dr. Nutrition situation- it sucks but you should also cut yourself some slack, because I think how you are feeling is normal.

    Have you thought about saying something to him? I know it's a tricky area to navigate in the beginning, but I feel like if something is causing you stress (and it's not an isolated incident) then you have the right to call him out on it. Or the alternative is to step back a bit and put the ball in his court. Let him dictate when and where you hang out for the next few dates. Sometimes it can be less stressful if you decide to just stop putting forth any effort and let him prove to you that he'll do what he has to do to see you and keep things progressing.

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  8. Alright girl,I'm about to shoot it straight to you. I've been reading your blog for a while now and there have definitely been moments where I slap my hand against my forehead and yell at my computer, "What the eff is she thinking?!" Then, I reflected back on my own self four years ago and realized how similar we actually were.

    1. You will grow out of the attachment you feel for SCL. I promise. One day it just won't matter anymore, and you'll be the one giving another young lady advice about someone SHE can't shake. One day you will realize it's all very silly, and it will be the most glorious day of your life. The path to get to this day will continue to be full of various toxicities, visits, romping, and internal struggle, but one day it'll be over. PROMISE.

    2. Your therapist and your blog commenters (is that the word I want?) are working against each other. Sometimes I read your blog and think that you have a really good approach to something, and then everyone who comments throws all your good judgment out the window. Ladies (and gentlemen), I have no doubt that this girl is charming, funny, interesting, and beautiful, but if a guy doesn't like her, stop giving her reasons why she's wrong, and "he really is just busy!" This girl has a good head on her shoulders, and all you folks turn around and give Greg Berhrandt (sp?) 10,000 more reasons to write another self-help book! P.S. Dr. Nutrition doesn't like you. That doesn't mean you're not likeable, he just doesn't like you. Stop letting douchey, half-ass men get a part of your heart.

    3. DC may be the worst possible place to date in the world. I consider myself somewhat knowledgeable since I have dated in nearly 20 major cities in the US and beyond, but the men in DC are the most self-serving group of people I've ever known. (Granted, my husband is from there, but I think I may have gotten the last decent one.) Move. You'll find a job, you'll find friends, you'll create this entire new journey for yourself.

    4. Stop taking emails and phone numbers from guys. It keeps the crazy alive. I'm not old fashioned at all (in fact, I've asked out 90% of the guys I've dated), but you will absolutely know when a guy is worth YOUR calls and YOUR emails. If you're prone to crazy, don't even tempt yourself by keeping numbers and emails. Delete them when they call or text (once plans are set).

    5. STOP TEXTING with these boys. Shit, tell them you're broke and can't afford a text plan. No date should ever be made via text. Texting should not exist unless you're in a solid three-four date situation. You're inner monologue should be: "You want to try and date me? Call me."

    6. I really don't know what the hell I'm talking about, but I see a lot of me in you and thought I'd share what other brilliant women shared with me when I was going through my anxiety-ridden phases with men. I've always been accused of being a bit harsh, but I'm also the most honest girl you'll ever meet (and not in that reality show "I'm the realest bitch you'll ever meet!" type of way).

    Final thoughts:
    It gets better. (Not trying to sound like the anti-bullying campaign, but the words fit.)
    Embrace these final moments with SCL - one day they won't matter.
    Buh-bye Dr. Nutrition.
    Love yourself more.

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  9. Have you considered maybe not dating for a while? My thoughts on this are: you notice that you get into a pattern where you give a person you are in a romantic relationship with too much or even all of the power, and that you don't know how to take care of yourself. Those are byproducts of being in a long-term relationship where, for years, you gave someone else all the power and all the attention, and didn't focus at all on yourself. Maybe you need some time to focus on yourself?

    I know how hard it was for me coming out of a long-term relationship where I was the one doing all of the work. When you come out of it, you don't know how to be yourself or do for yourself. And instead of trying to figure those things out, I just jumped right into one relationship after another, all BAD, because I kept doing the same thing over and over again. Not only was this not healthy for me, it's also not a healthy way to build a new relationship. Maybe I'm projecting a little here, but... I think it's worth considering whether some time on your own to get yourself straightened around, some time to BREAK the pattern of focusing too much on your partner, might be a good idea. :)

    Whatever you resolve upon, good luck. I'm cheering for you!

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  10. Ok...here are my thoughts...

    Mr. Editor's stutter isn't what kept you from liking him. Trust me, if you really liked him, it wouldn't have been an issue. I dated a guy in high school that had speech problems, including a stutter and I was so crazy about him that it didn't even matter. Don't beat yourself up about it. No chemistry is no chemistry.

    Dr. Nutrition might have been trying to be funny with his awesome comment. Maybe he's not excited to be going away and was trying to be sarcastic or something. That kind of thing doesn't translate well over electronic media but guys don't seem to understand that. I know this is easier said than done, but try not to stress about it and focus on the friend that you have coming to visit.

    As for SLC...well, you don't need to hear WTF?, right. You knew it was a bad idea going in...which is a good thing. You weren't lying to yourself. Although you might have been hoping for something more. Been there, done that. I really want to question his motives though. What the hell kind of game is he playing? I think he should leave you alone and let you heal.

    I'm sorry you are so stressed. Try to have some fun with your friend this weekend and relax. Good luck and I hope things turn around.

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  11. you're human! like molly said, don't be too hard on yourself for being an emotional, confused woman. but maybe we shouldn't see SCL for a while....a long while. hugs doll!

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  12. Hey everyone, I'm curious to hear what you have to say after my last post.

    Anonymous--can you please email me? I'd love to talk with you more. thenonstudent (a) gmail (dot) com.

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  13. I just printed out Anonymous's comment to carry around in my purse and read it because THIS IS ME TOO. Uh, wow. I don't know how to thank you enough for sharing (blogger & commenters alike).

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  14. I agree with what Molly said. You can't beat yourself up for these things. Sometimes we walk into situations knowing they won't make us feel better but, in the moment and when we are at our most vulnerable, that seems to be a delicious option.

    Maybe it's time you took a bit of a break from these guys. I think maybe you're making an excuse as to why it won't work with Mr. Editor because you're just not ready. It's okay to admit that; because when you ARE ready, you won't waste a moment's thought on all the frogs you had to kiss to find your prince :)

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  15. Oh man, I was excited for you to have a new blog post up and I'm sad to see that it's not a happy one.

    That being said, I'm with Anonymous 100% on this one (and kinda have been trying to tell you some of that from the beginning). It's time to be done with Dr. Nutrition. I appreciate why you gave him a second chance after the my-phone-died bullshit, because it keeps you from getting cynical, but he really just isn't AS into you as he should be. And I agree that you should just delete his number so you aren't tempted to call him when you're feeling lonely. He's not the right guy for you, and deep down, you know that and don't need us to tell you.

    You also know that seeing SCL is a bad idea right now. If you were still in the dating bliss stage, it might be ok. But you're raw and vulnerable right now and you don't need to take steps backward. Yes, he's comfortable - right now. But you know you can't lean on him like you want to lean on someone now, so you need to stay away from him. Maybe you can be friends with him one day, but it's going to take a lot of time and a lot of healing before you ever get to that stage. Respect your heart a little and give yourself that space from him.

    As for all the rest of what you're feeling, go easy on yourself! You just got back from a long trip and were away from your routines and normal everyday life. It's going to take a little time to feel like normal again. Plus, it might just be an emotional, um, time of month for you right now. Don't panic.

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