It all started when Mr. Homeland Security texted me mid-afternoon to ask if I could pick him up from the Metro station and take him to our date. This kind of threw me off as, in my opinion, it's not something you ask on a second date. It got worse when he replied to my "How are you going to get home?" text with "Oh, you can just drop me off at the Metro on your way home." Presumptuous, much?
Needless to say, by the time 5:45 rolled around and I was heading to the Metro, I was feeling a little bit annoyed, even though I'd agreed to pick him up. (What was I supposed to say?) Then I got even more annoyed when he got into the car and kissed me--dude, we've only been out once! We do not have that kind of familiarity yet.
Then he proceeded to YAMMER ON for the next TWENTY MINUTES about the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT. Not once did he ask, "How was your day?" No, he went on a tangent about God knows what, and I was getting more and more irritated. I thought, "What am I doing with this guy? He's annoying me! He's unaware of his talkativeness and he's presumptuous. And he's bald!"
By the time we got to the bar, I'd had enough. And like an angel from Heaven above, my phone rings. It's my friend J who was staying with me and needed me to let her into my house. SCORE. "Sorry," I said, trying to sound remorseful. "But I've really got to go let my friend in. What bad timing!" We literally got right back into the car, I dropped him off, I winced as he kissed me again and said "Sure, we'll get together some time next week!"
Everyone, can you feel it? Can you tell that I'm kind of not feeling this whole dating thing? As I was driving Mr. Homeland Security around town, all I could think is, "Why am I doing this to myself?" It felt like torture. I feel like I'm putting myself through hell right now--with SCL, with Dr. Nutrition, with all of these stupid dates that I'm not excited about. When I get a message from eHarmony, I feel stressed out, not excited. I feel pulled apart and torn open and fucked up.
I am BROKEN. My heart is BROKEN. I feel like SHIT about myself. I am TIRED of it.
When I feel this bad, I tend to make rash decisions without thinking it through. But, I just disabled my OkCupid account, turned off matching for eHarmony (why didn't I let the damn thing expire?), and have committed to really thinking through this whole dating thing and if it's what I need right now. All I know is I don't feel like myself and that something is not right in my life. And, if I care about myself at all, I will spend the time trying to figure out what that is.