I realize my posts have been less frequent, which is not because I don't want to write. I do. But with my new "I'm not chasing boys anymore" attitude, I don't have any dates to agonize over with you all. While I'm a little bummed about that, the trade-off is that I feel good. Really freaking good. Not all the time, certainly, but in general, I'm good.
What I see now that I couldn't see a few months ago is that many of my motives for doing the dating thing in the first place were fear-based. Fear that I wouldn't find someone. Fear that no one would want to date me. Fear that I couldn't possibly connect with another man. For someone who just got out of a two-year relationship with the man she thought she'd marry, that was to be expected. And I don't think it was foolish or dumb to jump into dating. I think it was my way of proving to myself that I could date. But, what I realized after the disaster with Dr. Not-so-much was that I'm not ready to date.
I'm not saying I'm closed off to the idea of meeting someone, but I'm certainly not going to make it my life's mission. For awhile there, I was expending most of my mental and emotional energy on men, which put me in a high-risk situation. High risk of getting my heart stomped on again. And I did.
But, once again my heart is healing. It's getting pretty damn good at that. And I'm experiencing a sense of freedom that I haven't felt...well, maybe ever. My mind isn't racing. I'm not being bombarded by winks and requests for communication and repetitive form questions in my inbox. I'm not swapping out my evenings with friends--or my quiet nights at home in my sweats--to try to pump myself up for yet another first date. Once I realized that it wasn't fun, I realized it wasn't worth my time now.
Of course I still hope to meet someone. But it's not the only hope I have for my life.
I wish I could have more hopes for my life... to lean on cliches, it's hard to see the forest among the trees sometimes.
ReplyDeleteYay! I'm really really happy for you. It sounds like you're in a really good place. And when you DO meet that someone you'll be ready for them.
ReplyDeleteThere is so much goodness tied up in this post that I couldn't help smiling while I was reading it. I'm glad you have come to this place where you are happy with yourself and where you're going.
ReplyDeleteHooray! I don't even know you (though I feel like I do somewhat from following your blog), but I have to tell you how proud I am of you. You have made HUGE progress in the last couple of weeks, and it comes through loud and clear in your words. You've said stuff similar to this in posts past, but it didn't really feel like you were truly there yet. But it does now. I'm just so glad for you!
ReplyDeleteHon, you are SO doing the right thing right now. And I know....I just know....that somewhere down the road there is some fantastic guy for you. And when you're ready, he will appear. I, personally, don't think it will be in the form of a Match.com or OKCupid or any other internet site. I think you're just going to meet him somewhere. On the Metro, at the grocery store, through your job. In the meantime, you are learning to love YOU. It's actually fun to be not only single, but single and not looking. To have some freedom from the special anxieties and fears and discomfort that being in a relationship can bring. You done good!
This is very insightful and self-reflective. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying here. Coming out of a long-term relationship and jumping into the dating world out of fear of being alone, this is somewhere I've been too. Props to you for realizing it and not settling for Dr.Not-so-hot. Being good to yourself and loving yourself, although it sounds basic, is so important.
ReplyDeleteKeep that faith and positivity, because love (and Mr. RIght) often find us when we're least expecting, when we stop searching. Besides, sometimes it's more fun to sit back and relax, and just wait for someone to woo us or sweep us off our feet. :)
Sounds like you're doing much better. And seriously, Mr Right isn't finding me right now either, but we'll just have fun and stick it out. Maybe a hot holiday fling will come your way? Preferrably one that speaks a foreign language and will shower you with gifts.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe how our timing coincides! I'm in the same boat. It's so calming to read your words.
ReplyDeletehappy for you
ReplyDeleteThat's a great and healthy attitude.
ReplyDeleteThis post sounds really peaceful. I'm happy for you. :)
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