When I was choosing my undergraduate institution, when I decided to get my masters, when I met SCL, when I left school for a period of time, when I accepted my current job, there were signs--confirmations, gut feelings, a sense of peace, resolution, and certainty. I am hoping, looking even, for a sign in this time of discernment.
Fun and hilarious dinner with Date Me, DC!--sign I should stay? Horrible DC happy hour full of networking assholes--sign I should leave? Yesterday I even broke my own "no dating" rule and went out with someone. Even then I was thinking, "Maybe if we have a connection...would that be a sign?" (We didn't, by the way.)
I am a person of faith and I do believe that being in an open, receptive state can bring about clarity--either through signs, a gut feeling, or some other sense of rightness. I'm not going to get my answer in a pro/con list. Believe me, I've tried that. Multiple times. The truth is there are plenty of reasons for me to stay in DC and reasons for me to go; reasons for me to move to North Carolina and reasons for me not to.
Some have warned me, "Don't make an emotional decision." As if choices that concern the heart are ever entirely logical--or that they ought to be. As if emotions are unimportant and valueless. As if this desire to make a change in my life is me just being emotional (sexist, much?). The heart is important, and so are our feelings, even as they fade and change and confuse us.
So, instead of indulging in fantasies about a new life or fixating on the things I dislike about DC, I'm trying to practice openness and patience, hoping that once again the answer will come in time. I truly believe it will.
You'll get your answer when you need it. I've found that sometimes simply being patient and waiting can tell you what you need to know.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find what you're looking for.
Krysen, you always know the right things to say. Thank you, thank you.
ReplyDeleteThis week, when I came back to DC after a few days away--my first in nearly a year--it didn't feel like home anymore. I love this place and I love the people in it, but I've been contemplating a move for many of the same reasons you are. Afraid to jump because I don't want it to be reactionary, but afraid I'll miss an opportunity to move on just because I'm so afraid to move away.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I find it helps to give myself an arbitrary deadline to make a decision, and allow for the fact that the decision I make may be that it isn't yet time to decide. For instance, I might decide that I'm going to put off seriously considering a move until March 1. That takes the immediate pressure off of you, and allows you to approach it from a different angle.
ReplyDeleteAnd it can be telling, too: if you spend the whole time dreading the deadline, or waiting for it impatiently, that's informative. So it is a trick, but maybe a good one.
wonderful thoughts! and GOOD. FOR. YOU!!!!! emotions ARE important. where would we be without them... WHAT would we be without them?! you sound like you've got your head screwed on straight. :]
ReplyDelete-vanessa-
thechinncredibles.blogspot.com
I think you are right that the answer will come to you in time.
ReplyDeleteIs it possible for you to take some time and relocate to NC for a little while...like a few months? J's sister felt like she needed a change but couldn't decide for sure. She rented a short term apartment in Iowa for three months and went there to see if she liked it. She ended up loving it and just signed a lease for a year.
I know you work from home...do you think it would be possible for you to go "try on" NC to see if you like it now as much as you used to or if you really miss DC?
Good luck. It's not an easy decision, but you'll make the right one in the long run.