The Logic Behind the Love

I love Carolina Man. I do. Maybe that seems a bit on the fast side, but there's no denying that's what I feel. I've never felt this way about anyone, not even my long-term boyfriends. With everything happening so quickly, it's easy for me to begin to question if I'm just being swept up into the intensity of it all and losing all sense of reality about him. So, to help reassure myself (and maybe some of my readers) I thought I'd set aside the giddiness and explore some of the logic behind why Carolina Man is my perfect match.

We have honest, open communication about our past, present, and future. Carolina Man is an open book. Never once have I asked him a question that he refused to answer, even if the topic made him upset or angry. We still have a lot to learn about each other, but with the openness we already have, there's no bullshit. There's no hiding pain or mistakes. There's no glossing over the difficulty of living in different places, and what it means when we decide we want to change that. And there's no hesitation in discussing the future and what we want as a couple (yes, we've discussed babies). Each time we work through something, I feel more and more confident that we'll be able to address any issue that comes up and work on it. Last night I was feeling really angry about the idea of having to pick up my life and move, and he just listened compassionately until the anger defused. I got off the phone feeling a hundred times better than before we talked.

We were set up by two people who love us deeply. I'm so grateful that Carolina Man and I didn't have the typical beginning--an awkward dinner date and subsequent wondering if he was ever going to call. We had the absolutely perfect occasion to get to know one another, orchestrated by his dad and my boss. Before we even met each other, we had the confidence of two very important people that we were well-suited for each other, and it's just served as further affirmation of the chemistry and click we feel.

We both want to live in North Carolina. Even before I met him, I was talking about moving to the Research Triangle area (Durham/Chapel Hill/Raleigh) because I have family there and it has potential work opportunities for me in the future. It's a 6 hour drive from home and it's a 2 hour drive from my college where I still have lots of friends. I told him last night, if he lived in Michigan or something, I might not be so inclined to pick up my life and move there, but seeing as how he already lives in the place I've wanted to move back to for a year, it's a no brainer. That doesn't mean leaving DC will be easy. I have a life and friends here, and I will have to do the hard work of rebuilding a network when I decide to move. But, I feel like when I do move, it'll be permanent and it'll be worth investing time and energy into creating the life that I want.

We've been disappointed in similar ways in the past and know what we want from our partners. Our past relationships had similar dynamics--our partners not living up the potential we saw in them, no honest communication, no willingness to work on issues. We share similar hurts, and having that common experience makes us all the more grateful for the contrast in our interactions. We don't want to spend too much time making comparisons, but it is helpful to say, "I've had dysfunction, and I'm grateful that this is healthy."

So, despite the emotional giddiness of it all, we have a core there that won't fade over time. And I'm confident it's going to carry us through a lifelong partnership.

11 comments:

  1. I think the most important part is being open and honest with each other. I'm in a point where I don't feel the open and honest part and it's insanely hard.

    Sometimes things don't happen the way that society says is "normal." But who cares as long as you're happy?

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  2. It's AWESOME that you've met someone that you can see as a potential life partner. But how long have you known him? A couple weeks? Yes, you are rushing into things. No matter how you look at it, you are. If you weren't, you'd be willing to stay in DC and take some time to see how this relationship develops naturally, instead of being willing to throw everything aside and just move. Yes, you've wanted to move back to that area. But you also made the decision to stay in DC. Now that's out the window because of this guy. I'm sure he's a great guy. But that doesn't mean your relationship with him is going to go anywhere in the long run. Your head is in the clouds right now. It's not realistic, and this gaga phase will NOT last. It just won't. It never does. Not with anyone. So.........if you want to do this thing the healthy way that gives you both a better shot at longevity, you will NOT tumble down the hill, ass over elbows, straight into a heavy committment i.e. uprooting your life. If you truly want to move to NC, then go for it. But DO NOT do it for this guy. That's what you did for the last one. How did that work for you? This guy may be better than the last, but he's still a guy. Nuff said.

    In the end, though, it's great you've met someone you like. Don't be in such a hurry. Let the process happen.

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  3. That sounds amazing for you! My sisters both went through difficult relationships, then found their now-husbands quickly. They both said it's "just supposed to be easy." And I've recently learned that myself! Emotional giddiness is fun, but it sounds like you BOTH recognize what is really there too. So happy for you!

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  4. Thanks, Krysten. I'm sorry to hear that you're having that struggle and I hope you find ways to break through it. It's tough to be vulnerable, even with those who love us the most.

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  5. Oh Anonymous, I've almost begun to adore you for your rationality. I'm not moving there tomorrow! Our focus now is getting to spend as much time together as we can, which is one of the greatest things about my job. I can do that easily. But once it becomes obvious that what I want to do is move, I'm going to go for it. I'm not going to stay here for the sake of staying here and having a strict timeline. Life is for living.

    Sure, I got burned moving to DC. But I also landed an awesome job and an awesome boss, who is turn introduced me to an awesome guy. I'm of the mindset that things all work out the way they are supposed to. I didn't move to NC because I didn't trust my gut instincts that said, "GO THERE!" It didn't feel quite right. But now it's clicking.

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  6. It's so easy to get carried away in the excitement and newness. I love that we both have taken time to step back and look at each other from a less emotional point of view. You are the first person I've been with who I haven't had those initial concerns that are quickly dismissed but then eventually creep back in. I keep waiting for something to pop up, and I'm being as critical as I can. But damn baby, instead of finding things to be concerned about I keep finding more things to be excited about! I know there will be things and there will be tough times, but I have so much confidence that we can work through anything. I feel like an open book with you, no secrets, no hiding. So refreshing!

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  7. Love has no logic. It really and truly doesn't. If it did, the answer to the question of "what is being in love like?" wouldn't have a different answer to everyone who answers the question.

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  8. Look, yes it seems rushed but who am I to say anything. I am glad both of you are looking at this with both eyes wide open. If it doesn't work out then guess what, you have both restored each others faith in the fact that there are good people out there. The timelines and all that crap are good to follow but sometimes, you just have to go with the flow and see where the flow takes you.

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  9. Yeah, I can totally see how rushed it looks from the outside. And while this post may look like a justification of my feelings, I feel less needy for others' affirmation with this than I would expect. I'd still like my friends and family to fall in love with Carolina Man as much as I am, but it's less desperate than with past relationships.

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  10. Its good that you're probably going to end up there. It sounds like it's a better fit for you. DC is exciting, but there's something to be said for familiar surroundings and a more laid-back lifestyle. Especially when there's someone there that makes it all worthwhile.

    Good luck!

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  11. I simultaneously felt "wow, this is moving really quickly" along with the sense that "this is different." And I thought of all the countless stories I know of couples happily together years later with the same beginning: inseparable from the start. It sounds like you two really clicked. I think it will be important to maintain a sense of self because that can only add to the beautiful relationship you're building. It can be easy to get lost in the "us" part but you're two wholes creating a 3D, not two halves to a whole. Congratulations, lovebirds. :)

    My own counselor recommended this site as a resource in couple exploration. They have quizzes to see how well couples match and what building blocks could be strengths or challenges: http://www.gottman.com/49806/Relationship-Quizzes.html. Congratulations, I am happy for you both.

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