A few weeks ago, I got an email from a friend of mine in DC. She's not someone I know that well, but she reached out to me about her current situation: she's thinking about moving across the country to a place she's always wanted to move with a guy she met a few months ago. They wouldn't live together, just continue dating. And unsurprisingly, her friends are concerned and therefore not as supportive as she was hoping. She asked what I went through when I moved to NC and any advice I could give her.
This is what I wrote back:
I totally hear what you're saying about your friends not getting it. I think that's because we are all pretty rational about everyone else's lives, but not as much as our own. We consider our emotions and gut feelings when we make decisions about what we're going to do. And it sucks that other people can't feel or relate to those feelings--or even affirm that we have them at all.
I think it's good that friends are looking out for you, but ultimately they can't know what's best for you. Only you know that. The people who care about you in DC want you to stay put, I'm sure. No one is going to say, "Please move across the country!" They love you; they want you around. It's a good thing.
When I met Carolina Man, I knew almost immediately that I would marry him. Everyone thought I was crazy, except for my mom who backed me 100%. That ended up being enough confirmation for me to move forward with the move. I wanted other people to feel excited for me, but after many failed attempts to get that reaction, I finally came to the conclusion that they just weren't going to get it, at least not as quickly as I wanted them to. Everyone thought I was crazy to move for a guy after two months. But, it's turned out to be the best decision I've made in a long time.
I say, go with your gut, and choose carefully whom you bring into your decision-making. You are a beautiful, smart, talented woman, and what's the worst thing that could happen? You move there, hate it, and decide to move somewhere else. So, I'd say if you can handle that and it feels right, then go for it. I think love/adventure/excitement is always worth chasing after. Otherwise we're just living in fear of what we might lose.
I'm not sure what my friend will ultimately decide, but I hope that she makes a decision out of a place of both head and heart, and not out of fear alone.
I am terrible at taking risks, I always worry about how they could mess things up for me. But sometimes I think it's probably worth it. Sometimes you just have to leap.
ReplyDeleteGreat advice! A good friend from high school got engaged to a guy after knowing him for 5 weeks, and at the time she met him, he was living with another woman (though they were broken up - it may have even been an ex-fiance). I thought she was NUTS!!! She even said that within 5 minutes of meeting him, she knew he was the man she'd marry. So, here we are 15 yrs later and they are still very happily married. It's not how things work out for most people (I was with my husband 5 yrs before we got engaged), so I think those who never experience it just don't get it.
ReplyDeleteThat is really good advice.
ReplyDeleteI hope it works out for your friend.
While I mostly agree, I also say you can't make decisions like this on just heart alone. As much as we may hate it, money HAS to be a factor. If she's got a job that's mobile like yours, hell, move tomorrow. But if not, I'd say work that out first.
ReplyDeleteSorry I'm a bummer! But I think you have to look at every situation with eyes AND heart wide open.
You make a really good point. It was much easier for me not having to look for employment in a new place. I realize how rare that is! (Also, yay to see you commenting.)
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