Musings on Midterm Season

I've noticed that SCL and I have much different conversations when we have a meal out of the apartment. It's not so much the difference in food--or the fact that we don't have to prepare it ourselves--but rather the atmosphere. I wouldn't say that they're better or worse, but they're different. We discuss different things--"date" things, I guess.

Yesterday I desperately wanted to get out of the apartment, so we went out to lunch, planning to work after we finished eating. SCL has an important stats exam this Wednesday, and I seem to be getting farther and farther behind in my own work. Before our food got there, he began talking about this test and how he's worried he won't do well. I can understand this to an extent--don't we all get nervous when we have a test coming up?--but SCL getting nervous over a math test? He's off the charts when it comes to his brains and capacity to do well academically. It's hard for me not to just to brush these comments off, so I have to be diligent in understanding what's causing him the worry.

What I'm learning is that being a PhD student is scary as hell. There's a lot on the line--time, money, investment of one's self, delaying one's career 5 or so years. And there's no guarantee that a job will be waiting for you at the end of it. Of course, this leaves me wondering why anyone in his/her right mind would do one, but we're past that point. This is what SCL wants to do, what he knows is the best career move right now, and he's got a long road ahead.

He started explaining the process to me more. Next spring he'll take his first comp exam, the smaller of the two (I'm guessing on less information than the other). If/when he passes, he'll move on to the larger exam in the fall of that year. At the same time he'll be expected to be working on a prospectus, a relatively short (50-60 pages) write up of his research plan. If all goes according to plan, he'll defend this in the spring of 2012. Once he does this, he'll move into research and writing with a goal of finishing sometime in 2014 or 2015. There are many hoops to jump throw between now and then.

It's also scary as hell to be partnered with someone going through this process because all of his fears, his anxieties, his worries, his doubts--they're mine too. This timeline is all theoretical. What about the things in our life that we're putting off now like marriage and a family. When will they fit into the picture? Neither of us has the answers, and there's no sign that it's going to get any less murky anytime soon. He has to take the program one class, one requirement, one step at a time.

At the end of this, I think I'm going to insist on my own diploma, too.

Finals Time

Finishing up his first semester as a PhD student, SCL is swamped with papers, papers, and more papers. Who knew that someone could give you a final that lasts THREE DAYS LONG? Doesn't that seem like cruel and unusual punishment? Good news is that he's got two finals under his belt and is working on part 2 of his 3-essay exam for his final course. Come Saturday, he'll be free!

Honestly, I can't say that this season of finals has been any different than the ones SCL had last year when he was finishing up his masters. At least from my side of things, that is. He's not someone who gets super-duper stressed out over work. He's pretty disciplined, scheduled, and just knocks out the work.

A few things that we've encountered that I'd like to reflect on...

1. Housework. Sometimes I'm a baby about this. I forget that there are times when SCL really picks up the slack for me. I usually forget this when I'm picking up the slack for him. I just got to get over this--and remember that at least in this case, I was doing heavy duty cleaning for a party that I was throwing. Get over yourself, G-S GF!
2. Sleeping. I've been going to bed alone at night while SCL stays up to do work. This has interrupted our sleeping pattern a bit, so I'm looking forward to the nights when we go to bed at the same time. SCL, however, has perfected the art of getting into the room and into bed without making a single solitary sound and rarely wakes me. I, on the other hand, have perfected the art of laying in the exact middle of the bed, preventing my bed buddy from getting his equal share of pillow, covers, and mattress.
3. Conversation. "What'd you do today?" "Studied/worked on exams/read boring books." Not much else going on for SCL these days. Of course, that leaves more room to talk about my new job (!!!)
4. Dinner. It's been Trader Joe's city for us. We've also been going out more than usual, but now that I'll be working from home (!!!) I'll have a lot more time to do domestic things in the new year.

All in all, it's been a fairly painless exam time for me. I can't speak for SCL, but he seems to be on top of things and doing a great job. I'm glad this isn't how it is all the time, but I also feel better knowing this isn't going to be as horrible as I predicted.

December--it's not just for holidays

So, have we all recovered from Thanksgiving? After a few days of sloth-like behavior, I've managed to get myself up at 6:30 everyday this week to hit the gym. December is definitely a month where my energy can feel low but the demands on my time are high, leading to potential physical, mental, and emotional stress. To avoid this, I've been working out, limiting my wine intake in the evenings, and popping some Vitamin D every morning. But I'm still really missing that early morning sunlight of the spring and summer.

In my mind, I always look forward to December because I love holiday music, treats, and cheer. But when December actually rolls around, I recall that it's also a really stressful time of year, and I don't just mean dealing with family and gift buying (though those are definitely stress-inducing for me). I mean end of the year craziness at work and of course, SCL's finals.

Up until this point, it hasn't really felt like our schedules have conflicted too much. Since SCL's not teaching, he's got time during the day to do reading and other work, so usually it doesn't really feel like he's in this big scary PhD program. But now, I'm like, "Holy crap! You have finals. Are we going to get to spend time together? Are you going to be stressed 24/7?" and other freak outs like that. Like other painful parts of life, I have forgotten how rough the end of semester crunch can be. I'm wondering how we'll need to negotiate things like time and apartment space.

Stay tuned.

Math Camp Commences! (It's sad that this is more exciting than my own life.)

For the first time since moving to DC, SCL and I left our apartment at the same time this morning to hop on the blue line--he to GWU and I to work. Same direction, same line, pretty awesome. It was fun having a buddy, although it's harder to find two open seats together than one and I didn't get a chance to do my daily Metro reading (current book: We Can Have Peace in the Holy Land by Jimmy Carter). Today was the first day of Math Camp (which I will clarify here that all incoming PhD students in his department must take, not just those who didn't have stats in college.) So it begins.

To be honest, I didn't even have the slightest bit of first day school envy, although I did try to convince him that he/we really, really needed to go school supply shopping and that he really, really did need a pack of colored pencils, a protractor, and a Hello Kitty backpack. I guess I've just had so much new happening in my own life that I am kind of sick of things feeling foreign or unfamiliar. I appreciate that I have a routine now, that I know how long it takes to get from our apartment to my office, that I have a decorated cubicle full of feminist paraphernalia--the best being a new button I scored at NARAL Pro-Choice VA's happy hour event last week that reads"I heart Pro Choice Boys." Love it. You can get one for yourself here.

But, this is a big day. It's the real beginning of our journey as student and non-student for the next five years or so. One day down, (approx.) one thousand eight hundred twenty-four to go...

Where the f--- did summer go?

It hit me this week when my friend said she was heading back to grad school in a few days. Is it really mid-August? This has been a crazy summer with moving, new job, new apartment, etc. and I guess I haven't noticed how ridiculously quickly the summer has gone. Before the move, life had come to a screeching halt, but it quickly made up for lost time when I got to D.C. Work has picked up speed a lot this week, too, contributing to the whole "where the f--- did summer go?" phenomenon.

I'm having trouble making time for this blog. Like a lot of blogger wannabes, I started with good intentions and thought that a lot of people would benefit from my writing (pretty narcissistic of me). But, since I'm doing my best to protect my privacy, I haven't told many people I'm writing this, and I'm not sure how best to go about promoting myself--so, my readership is fairly non-existent. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm writing only to myself right now (and possibly SCL since he added me to his google reader. Hi love!)

But, with math camp (!) starting in just over a week and real school starting after that, I know that things are going to shift soon, and that I'll start learning just what it means to be in a relationship with a PhD student--and if it's really that big of a change. This summer has been great, at least for me, since SCL has been working from home and we get a lot of time to spend together once I'm off work. He's been awesome about starting dinner and not complaining about the days I go out with co-workers to happy hour. I wonder how our time together will change once we throw class and homework into the mix.

We'll see how things go. So far we've been able to talk through most everything that's been hard about living together, and I hope the same is true for our upcoming adjustments to student/work life.

Statistically Nerdy

When I got back from my early morning workout, I came in to find SCL sitting at his desk (not unusual) with a big, boring book in hand along with a pencil (definitely unusual.) "Is that your stats book?" I asked. (Note: since he didn't take stats in college, he has to go to a week-long crash course in August which we've adoringly nicknamed "Math Camp." I can just picture a sea of pale, glasses-wearing, pocket protector-bearing kids ready to go with their TI-89s...though they probably don't even use those anymore. Shows how long it's been since I've been sitting in a math class.)

Let me say that stats camp doesn't begin until the last week of August. I asked him, "Do you have to do any reading before you go?" He said no, but that there's no way they could get through the entire book in a week--to which I responded, maybe that isn't the point. "But this will make it so much easier when I get there!" he responded, slightly defensively. I don't blame him. I was making fun of his nerdiness and warned him that he could quickly become "that kid."

When I went into the kitchen to get my coffee and oatmeal, I was expecting SCL to stay at his desk, reading his book, and I'd decided that I wouldn't say anything about it, figuring I'd probably be nervous about starting a doctoral proram and would like to feel prepared in some way, even if it seemed a little silly from the outside. But as soon as I put my coffee cup down, SCL turned off his desk lamp and joined me at our little kitchen table.

That's why I love him.

Valuing the Academy

Obviously I haven't always been a non-student. Up until last May, I had been in school for 22 straight years: Montessori, Kindergarten, Elementary School, Middle School, High School, College--and topped it off with three years of graduate school. For most of those 22 years I liked school. No, I loved school. My mom loves to tell people how I cried on the weekends because I missed school so much. Mind you this was back when I was 3 or 4 and school was comprised of snack time, arts and crafts, and recess, but still I liked the routine of it. I liked being social. I liked being taught.

When I got to graduate school, I hit a wall. Suddenly all of the inspiration and desire I had to pursue academic achievement was gone. I found myself frustrated with the work, not because it was hard but because I was burned out and unmotivated. It didn't take long for me to conclude that a lifetime spent in the academy just wasn't for me. School was a means to an end, not an end in itself. The passion I once felt for school evolved into my commitment to using the knowledge I had to go out and do good in the world.

Student turned idealist. That's where I sit now, and I'm quite comfortable with my it. Where I experience discomfort is understanding why my partner SCL, already incredibly brilliant and degree-ed, wants to pursue another academic endeavor. Obviously I understand the prestige, not to mention the "oo"s and "ah"s, that accompany a doctoral degree. I get that it's helpful in certain fields to have an advanced degree. What I don't understand--and this applies to my own graduate degree as well--is how an academic credential translates to credibility in the workplace and how it could possibly usurp work experience as a qualification for a position.

True, some degree programs are professional and have more direct correlation to one's work--a JD, an MD, in my case, an M.Div. There is specific training involved and also some kind of post-graduation licensing/testing, etc. that ensures some standardization among schools. But, will my degree in divinity help me advance in the field of policy work? Should it?

For me, what I took away from school was the ability to learn a lot of things. Perhaps what those little letters before or after a name indicate is that a person is capable of a high level of learning. This is certainly not something to be devalued, but it also should not signify superiority. When someone looks at my resume, I hope they see my graduate degree as a mark of dedication to a subject area, the ability to persevere, and the willingness at one point or another to learn something in depth. Other than that, that the diploma is just a piece of paper, sitting up in my closet waiting to be framed.

Job Applications vs. Academic Applications

Over the past three months I have filled out at least five times as many job applications as I have school applications. Yes, I recognize that school applications are much more time consuming than job applications, but in my opinion, the process of applying to schools is a far less painful process than applying to jobs.

Research: Learning about an academic institution is generally easier than learning about a prospective workplace. Schools have websites, tours, scheduled visitation days, and admissions offices (of varying levels of friendliness and helpfulness) to answer your questions. Sure, most workplaces have websites, but they cater to their target audiences, not prospective employees. And God forbid you should have a question about a position. Each job listing I've seen is explicit about no phone calls.

Application: As I stated above, the application process for schools is time-consuming, but generally speaking, schools provide some guidance in terms of what they want in an application in the form of essays, personal statements, etc. A lot of jobs require a cover letter, resume, and references. The resume and references an applicant includes may vary slightly, but the cover letter is a totally different story. It's a tricky, awkward dance of attempting to sell oneself as the ideal candidate, explain why it's a fabulous place to work, and how those two are related--all in one page. Oh, and usually they are looking for one person to fill the position unlike schools that have multiple spots and are looking less for the "perfect fit." (I realize that this is not true of PhD programs which may have a single slot for a particular discipline.)

Waiting Period: For both applying to jobs and applying to programs, there is a "Hurry up and wait" element. BUT, schools do have deadlines for announcing one's acceptance or rejection. Jobs? Not so much. Many times the process feels like throwing a precious stone into a deep, dark abyss, hoping someone else will uncover it eventually. Otherwise it's lost forever. Schools are polite enough to let you know you've been rejected. In my experience, employers are not.

Of course, there are some things about job searching that are far better. For one, a job rejection does not mean waiting around another year to apply again. There are new positions each week, though less during this time than, say, last year. Also, jobs come with income whereas in school, students generally pay to do work or at the very least do not make much money. But at the end of the day, I still affirm that job searching is more frustrating of the two.

The question: Is it possible to loathe academia and still love an academic?

And beyond that, is it possible for a couple, one a dedicated social activist and the other a brilliant academic with hopes of eventually leaving the academy, not only to survive a doctoral program, but to grow together and to thrive throughout its duration?

Welcome to the anxiety-ridden, yet hopelessly optimistic thoughts that have been running through my head ever since the love of my life (whom I will refer to as "Summa Cum Laude" or SCL) told me he wanted to apply to a doctoral program. Those thoughts have steadily invaded more and more of my brain ever since SCL was accepted to his program of choice.

This weekend I (aka "The Non Student" or TNS) celebrated with friends and family as SCL graduated from his master's program. Following the emotional waves of pride and joy and the inevitable exhaustion following any such event, I found myself this morning filled with the anxiety of the unknown. Up until now I had been able to focus on SCL finishing this degree, but now I'm facing the fear of what's next. We are facing serious transitions in the coming months.

• Moving to a new city
• Moving in together
• TNS starting a new job
• SCL starting a doctoral program

These are just the big four, not to mention all of the other smaller transitions involved. And frankly, I'm scared. I'm excited, but I am equally, if not more, scared out of my mind.

When fear and/or anxiety sets in for me, I do what I know other people do. I google things. I have googled "dating a graduate student" which led to a lot of inappropriate conversations about professors and students dating. Not helpful. I tried "relationships and PhD programs" which resulted in conversations about advisors and dissertations. And then I landed on this little bit of despair from the New York Times. Finding out it was written in 1988 only slightly eased my worries.

Besides discovering the questionable morals of some academics and reading a doomsday account of graduate students' divorce rates, I have not uncovered much in terms of resources for couples facing the life of a doctoral program for God knows how many years. What I have found is doctoral students talking about the all-consuming nature of their work and how alienated their significant others feel during the process. But I have found next to nothing for the spouses/partners/significant others of those doctoral candidates. Hence, the new blog.

My vision for this blog is for it to be a place for community and resources for couples, but especially for the non-academic halves like me, going through the hardships of a PhD program. Whether you're dating a grad student or have been married to one for a long time (in which case I would love your insight!), I very much look forward to getting to know you!