WeddOMG: The Shoes

Maybe my mom felt a little deprived because we only went to one bridal salon to try on dresses, but within thirty seconds of driving away from that appointment, she was already talking about what shoes I was going to wear. The next day she dragged me around from store to store, looking for something that would work. I really had to indulge her on this one. The reality of the gown purchase hadn't even sunk in yet. Couldn't we just enjoy it and celebrate our success? We were being so efficient up until that point, and now here we were, on a Saturday at the mall, attempting to find bridal shoes.

I don't know about where you live, but here in the Triangle area, department stores just don't carry many bridal-appropriate shoes. I get that lots of brides are opting to do the bright pop of color on their feet, but I am trying to avoid the obvious trends like that. Plus, our color palette doesn't really lend itself to footwear. I just want a white--or maybe silver--shoe that isn't too high or uncomfortable.

My shoes are hardly going to be visible, so they just need to be the right height and not clash with my gown for the occasional peek at my feet when I'm out twirling on the dance floor. Oh yeah, and they have to feel good. Like, better than any of the formal shoes I have ever worn in my entire life. Let's be real: most formal shoes hurt like a bitch. How many proms did you spend barefoot?*

So, I've been consulting the online bride forums, and over and over again, I've seen women recommend Jimmy Choos for their comfort. The price tag for a pair of pumps is more than shocking, but for something that is going to feel and look fabulous? I think it might be worth it.

While perusing the Jimmy Choo website, I saw that there's a whole bridal boutique! My current obsession is this sparkly pair.

What do you think? And a larger question: bridal shoes--splurge or save?

*My answer: four.

WeddOMG: The Unnecessary Criticism

"I think you're putting on an ostentatious display," my uncle said, as I poured him another glass of wine. We had invited him and my sort-of-aunt over for a Saturday dinner. He was asking about wedding planning (i.e.  interrogating me unfairly about how much our wedding was costing), and that was his response. I wanted to slap him. He--the man who drove a Porsche for years (and eventually traded it in for a BMW to be more practical), who flies first-class to Barbados with his live-in ex-wife for weeks at a time several times a year, who lives in a house more than triple the space and bedrooms he needs--was calling something that hasn't even materialized ostentatious, a word dripping in judgement and condescension.

I felt scarily defensive. First of all, our wedding will be far from ostentatious. How could a wedding with 50 people, locally-grown flowers, and, very possibly, a pizza bar (albeit probably gourmet) be over the top and showy? All along we've said we want fun, intimate, classy. But never showy.

But, here's the thing: even if it were, it's none of his goddamn business. Or anyone else's for that matter. Carolina Man and I are footing the bill ourselves, so we get to decide if we want to spend under $1K on local flowers instead of tropical ones (we are) or $10K for a kick-ass venue (we are) or host our rehearsal dinner at home for practically nothing (we are) or whatever we want with the budget we set. These are our decisions to make.

For people pleasers like the both of us, though, that's easier said than done. It's tough to stand in the face of criticism concerning important life decisions and not want to strike back, not defend the decision as if doing so would change the other person's view.

When it comes to weddings, I think we've all been socialized to think that everyone will magically be a better version of their selves for the benefit of the bride and groom. Oh, wouldn't it be nice if this were the case? But so far I can already tell you that it isn't true. My mom will still be opinionated (but helpful!). My uncle is still judgmental. And I still care what everyone thinks.

That last thing is the only part I have any control over: choosing to let what others say determine how I feel about a situation. Moving forward, my goal is to take such comments with a grain of salt and consider the source. My uncle? Lives with his ex-wife. Who refuses to marry him again. Not exactly an ideal go-to source for how to do things in the romantic arena. But in the end, he's family. And you'll bet he'll be enjoying his gourmet slice of pizza as much as the rest of 'em (even though he'll probably never admit it.)

WeddingOMG: Living in a Bride-Centric World

When I was single, I gave up watching wedding shows in order to maintain my sanity. But, since getting engaged, I've gradually taken more interest DVRed every wedding show on TLC and WE and consumed most of them. Last week I was home with a cold and watched about eight episodes in a row of David's Tutera's My Fair Wedding.

For those of you unfamiliar with the show (and I applaud you), David Tutera is the wedding planning knight in shining armor who comes in to rescue a wedding that's inevitably going to be a train wreck. At least that's how it's  staged. Then he works his magic and creates a kick-ass day for the bride...but the groom? Not as much. Other than an initial handshake and the rote line of "whatever makes her happy," the groom isn't involved at all with the wedding planning. He isn't even asked if he's interested in giving input. It's just assumed the bride is the one calling the shots, because she's the only really invested in the day.

This is really problematic for me. And I'm finding it's much more ubiquitous than just on tv wedding shows.

Why is it assumed that the bride is only one who cares about the details of the day?

I'll give you an example of how I've encountered this. Carolina Man and I have been splitting up wedding planning tasks haphazardly--I'll call a DJ; he'll contact a photographer, etc. So far, the florist and the photographer we've chosen are ones I contacted. On every exchange we have, I include CM on the email chain, but each and every time, they only respond to me. And on one contract, only my name is listed.

This may be customary, but that doesn't make it good. Planning a wedding is a huge undertaking, and so far I've found it to be helpful in working through conflict, differences of opinion, and varying priorities. Sure, it'd be easier if on any given decision, one person backed out and let the other decide. But, what kind of precedent does that set for the future?

Carolina Man and I are in this together, and that means in all of the little things of life. Leaving each other out of our thinking and decisions is no way to build trust and partnership. So, wedding people, I ask you, please include the grooms. It's their day, too.

April flowers bring me happiness

Happy April, everyone! Have you gotten fooled by anyone? Let me just say how annoying I find the whole April Fools' Day thing, probably because it's too reminiscent of growing up in a house with two older brothers--where everyday was an opportunity to trick me.

But, wedding planning is no joke! Carolina Man and I are moving right along. Believe it or not, we managed to book both our photographer and our florist in the same weekend. Sometimes things just work out that smoothly and easily.

Flowers are not a number one--or even a top five--priority for us. We see them as a way to accent the celebration, but not as the focal point. So, when we found a florist who grows all of her own flowers in her backyard garden and specializes in more understated, yet beautiful arrangements, we knew we had found the one.

Here are some samples she sent us this week.

We are going to use pin-lighting in our reception room, so we wanted something with a lot of glass to reflect the light back. I love the simplicity and sleekness of these, and how no one will have their view blocked at the table. I'm thinking of asking her to maybe put some other blooms on the mirror, so it doesn't look as stark.

And I just love this bouquet! It's beautiful, and the colors go together so well.

What do you think?

April 20, 2013

That's right--we've set a wedding date! April 20, 2013. That's a mere 406 days from now. :-) Shew, it feels good to have that figured out.

And the best part is we'll be getting married on the same spot where Carolina Man proposed. I can't imagine anything more romantic.

Weddomg: First Thoughts on a Budget

I just discovered while trying to type wedding that if you misplace your right hand on the keyboard by one row of keys to the right that you instead type "weddomg," which I find totally appropriate on many levels. "Weddomg" is a perfect description about how everyone, including myself, goes somewhat, if not entirely, batshit crazy at the mention of a wedding. So, I'm thinking that at least some of my wedding-related posts will be labeled "Weddomg," particularly those that relate to my own craziness or the craziness of others. Today I'll talk about wedding budget craziness, even before we have spent a single penny.

Carolina Man and I are now in the very preliminary stages of wedding planning, i.e. we're going to look at a venue, we're putting together a draft guest list, and we're generally thinking of what time of year we're going to plan for. Oh yeah, and we're piecing together a wedding budget. If you want to make yourself insane in a matter of minutes, start looking at how much weddings cost on average. You'll probably shit yourself and/or start crying.

Even as a newbie, I can say that there's a whole lot to putting together a wedding budget, and there's a helluva lot of unknowns when you haven't begun looking into all of the vendors you'll need. But, we do know approximately how much our venue will be per person, how much the ceremony will be, and for the rest of it, I just googled average costs of wedding shit and put the numbers into a spreadsheet. The amount I saw before my eyes was somewhat shocking. A preliminary estimation of our wedding was about $25K. *gulp*

And then I wasn't so shocked. Weddings are expensive, yo. We knew that going into this. It's about what we'd said we wanted to spend from the beginning, and it's an amount that we can afford to pay out of pocket, if we are able to save as we anticipate (and as he and I both have been saving since we first began our relationship).  Yes, it's an awful lot to spend on "one day," but let's be clear here. Celebrations of life and love are important. And I feel as long as we aren't going into debt, nor are we using all of our savings, then we can feel guilt-free in our spending on a day where we'll gather with loved ones to celebrate the new stage of our relationship.

But you got to prioritize. Here are some of the things we care about:

• Beautiful, convenient location
• Meaningful, personal ceremony
• Looking good
• Delicious food
• Ease of use (i.e. having an all-inclusive package)
• Awesome pictures 
• Unique honeymoon

The things we care less about:

• Having everyone we've ever known there (we're thinking 50-60 people)
• Favors (probably won't have them)
• Tradition
• Having a huge bridal party (probably will have a Best Man and a Best Woman because I hate the phrase"Maid of Honor")
• DJ
• Flowers 
• Having a theme
• Invitations
• Putting on a show for our guests 

So, if these priorities stay the same, we know we want to spend most of our energy and probably finances on the location, the clothing and rings, the food, the photographer, and the honeymoon. 

Yesterday I was still feeling nervous that our designated monthly savings wouldn't be enough to cover things. So, Carolina Man suggested we both commit to saving an extra $200 over what we said we would save each month. In a year, that gives us an extra $5K. And I don't think either of us will miss this as we both got raises this year.

I'm thankful for his calm attitude about all of this, and how on the same page we are about planning this event. And I feel good knowing that we're going to be able to afford the kind of wedding we both want.