Small Victories

Today I got an email from SCL about his schedule for the week (i.e. when he would need to sleep here), telling me he'd be home for dinner and would stay the night here. I decided to avoid an interaction and spend the afternoon and early evening out at a coffee shop where I planned to get work done.

Did I get work done? Hells no. I listened to Alicia Keys (her new album is fab for a break up), read more of my current break up book, and wrote more in my journal. I considered this a success. Why? Because I managed to put myself together (even though I was wearing no make-up, sporting Pumas, and a hoodie) and get out the door. I was moving through the world. I ordered a hot chocolate. I sat and read, wrote, and thought. I didn't break down.

Every few minutes the pang of "he's gone" hit me, startle me, and throw me off balance. It's sort of like having menstrual cramps--out of nowhere BAM!, the tightness moves in, and releases. Unfortunately there's no remedy for it except waiting it out until the pain ceases.

When I got home (purposefully a few minutes before I told him I would be), I expected him to be there. I wanted him to be there. "Are you there?" No answer. Just evidence that he'd been through--his laptop there, more dirty clothes in his chair, mail on the table. I'd missed him. I was relieved and devastated. I know seeing him isn't healthy for me, but there's another part of me--the part still desperately in love with him--that doesn't care how much it hurts. I'm not ready to let go.

I haven't cried in over four hours. Yet another success. I downloaded some music from a musician I loved in divinity school. A small indulgence for me. So was the hot chocolate. And I'm telling my friends. Their chorus of "WTF???"s is surprisingly helpful. Good to know I wasn't the only one duped into thinking we were a couple who would last.