Sleepless in the City

Day 3 of break up from SCL. I was doing well until my text message alert went off about an hour ago, about 2:00 a.m. "Could it be him? What if it's him?" I thought. I better get up to see what it said. Maybe he'd be saying, "I miss you. I made the biggest mistake. I'm so sorry. Please, let's work it out."

Of course it wasn't him. It was a friend, returning a text from earlier in the evening. Why in the world she was awake at 2:00 I have no idea. But now I can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning for over an hour, my mind racing with thoughts and fears and "what if"s.

I hate not being able to sleep. I've only had a few patches of insomnia in my life, most of them trauma-related. There is something so miserable about being awake when the rest of the world is quiet. It means I'm alone--alone with my thoughts, feelings, and tears.

I'm so resistant to this change. This isn't what I want! How could he go and make such a huge decision that affects me without even talking with me first? Does he have no respect for our relationship at all that he would go forward with something so extreme without first coming to me? He never gave us a chance.

He's staying with a friend tonight. I've been pacing around our apartment, touching his clothes and remembering everything about the past two years. It hurts. As one of my books says, it hurts like a motherf***er. There's nothing anyone could do about it. Except him. He could make it better. He could figure out what an asshole he's being, that I'm a total badass girlfriend, and start getting his shit together. But I can't wait around to see if that happens.

(Ex) Grad-Student Girlfriend

SCL informed me yesterday morning that he wants to end our relationship, move out of our apartment, and essentially cut me out of his life. He doesn't want to be "needed." He doesn't want a relationship. Honestly I don't give a fuck what his reasons are. Would figuring it out make it any better?

Needless to say I am a wreck. I feel broken, cheated, shocked. This came out of NOWHERE. Well, not yesterday. A few weeks ago he had threatened to leave. I guess I should've known then, that despite his going on to confess things he'd never told me, that he cried, that he said he didn't think it through, that he did love me--I should've have known then and dumped his ass.

Is that what I did? Of course not. I cried, begged him not leave, vowed to do whatever it would take to change things. We were a team, right? He was my partner, right? Isn't that what we were? Apparently not. Apparently our relationship doesn't mean enough to him for him to actually want to work on it. He's choosing to leave and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

I never thought this was a possibility. Seriously, it never entered my mind. We moved to DC to start our life together, and it's been beautiful, at least to me. I love (*gulp* loved?) sharing a life with him, figuring things out together, working things out. For him, it has been dissatisfying and left him unsettled. How did I not see this? Maybe I did and didn't want to admit it.

Now there's the question of this blog. As a former Grad-Student Girlfriend, do I get to continue writing? I will say that at least for now it feels pretty damn good to vent, and I'm thankful that only a few of you who read this even know who I am. The anonymity feels secure at the moment.

I'm working at the library and picked up a copy of He's Just Not that Into You. There's a whole chapter called "He's Just Not That Into You If He's Breaking Up with You." Ouch. Hard to read. But true nonetheless. Why do I want to try so hard to keep someone who is breaking my heart, tearing me up inside, who can look me in the eyes and say "I don't want to be in a relationship with you"?

Now there's the messy situation of the fact that we fucking live together. As far as I'm concerned, he's the one doing the breaking up, he can find a new place to live. But I don't know if I can afford all the expenses of the apartment by myself. I don't know what to do about it. It's so hard having him physically there. I want to run into his arms, have him hold me close, even though he's the one who hurt me. I think it'd be easier if it wasn't a possibility.

Now I'm thinking of all the "never gonna happen again" scenarios. This is perhaps the most difficult part so far. Never going to take another trip, never going to go out to a nice dinner, watch a movie and snuggle together, never again. Ugh, I feel like I'm torturing myself with all of these thoughts. I'm trying to focus on work, on anything else, but every few minutes I find myself running into the nearest bathroom to bawl my eyes out. In short, I am justifiably pathetic.

Musings on Midterm Season

I've noticed that SCL and I have much different conversations when we have a meal out of the apartment. It's not so much the difference in food--or the fact that we don't have to prepare it ourselves--but rather the atmosphere. I wouldn't say that they're better or worse, but they're different. We discuss different things--"date" things, I guess.

Yesterday I desperately wanted to get out of the apartment, so we went out to lunch, planning to work after we finished eating. SCL has an important stats exam this Wednesday, and I seem to be getting farther and farther behind in my own work. Before our food got there, he began talking about this test and how he's worried he won't do well. I can understand this to an extent--don't we all get nervous when we have a test coming up?--but SCL getting nervous over a math test? He's off the charts when it comes to his brains and capacity to do well academically. It's hard for me not to just to brush these comments off, so I have to be diligent in understanding what's causing him the worry.

What I'm learning is that being a PhD student is scary as hell. There's a lot on the line--time, money, investment of one's self, delaying one's career 5 or so years. And there's no guarantee that a job will be waiting for you at the end of it. Of course, this leaves me wondering why anyone in his/her right mind would do one, but we're past that point. This is what SCL wants to do, what he knows is the best career move right now, and he's got a long road ahead.

He started explaining the process to me more. Next spring he'll take his first comp exam, the smaller of the two (I'm guessing on less information than the other). If/when he passes, he'll move on to the larger exam in the fall of that year. At the same time he'll be expected to be working on a prospectus, a relatively short (50-60 pages) write up of his research plan. If all goes according to plan, he'll defend this in the spring of 2012. Once he does this, he'll move into research and writing with a goal of finishing sometime in 2014 or 2015. There are many hoops to jump throw between now and then.

It's also scary as hell to be partnered with someone going through this process because all of his fears, his anxieties, his worries, his doubts--they're mine too. This timeline is all theoretical. What about the things in our life that we're putting off now like marriage and a family. When will they fit into the picture? Neither of us has the answers, and there's no sign that it's going to get any less murky anytime soon. He has to take the program one class, one requirement, one step at a time.

At the end of this, I think I'm going to insist on my own diploma, too.

Technology Takeover

As evidence by my earlier freakout, I'm having a tough time figuring out how to balance all the techie things with the only semi-techie things in my personal and professional life.

• Blog
• My Twitter
• My work Twitter
• My Facebook
• My work Facebook
• My work website
  
• My volunteer blog editing
• My work blog (not yet started)

I've also added another computer (my netbook!) and a SmartPhone, so I'm connected/plugged in/technozombiefied as much as th erest of the world. And to tell you the truth, I'm not handling it very well so far.

Building a web presence takes time, and it is so addictive. How do more experienced bloggers do it? I'm really interested if you are an active tweeter how you set up boundaries because I think I spent most of today checking it, retweeting, etc. I need help!

Tweeting and Such

Friends who are on Twitter, please help me out. I have two accounts-personal and professional-that I'm trying to build up. But I'm really struggling with how to do anything else during the day! How do you 1) build up a following 2) stay on top of things 3) do the rest of life while still being an active tweeter? I'm using TweetDeck, which I like, but I still feel like I'm tweeting all day without the results that I want.

A little help from my friends?

Valuing Myself, My Time, and My Commitments

Being a faith-based advocate for reproductive health is not exactly a popular vocation. Because I occupy this weird niche, I get invited to speak fairly often, usually to groups of university students. For the most part these have been local groups, but last week I was asked, sort of last minute, to travel to West Virginia for an event. West Virginia. On a weekday. At 7:00 PM.

Any of you who live in a city know what a nightmare it is to travel on the highway on a weeknight during rush hour. It would take hours to make what should be a relatively short 1.5 hour ride, and I'd be exhausted by the time I got there. Not to mention I'd be out incredibly late, driving on unfamiliar roads back home in the dark.

So, I said no. Imagine that! I actually said, "No, I can't." And I really couldn't do it. I felt REALLY badly saying it, but I just couldn't give up that much time and energy right then. I was a bit annoyed to that they were asking me at the very last minute, meaning I wasn't their first choice.

A few days later I got another call about the event. They were getting desperate to book a speaker, I could tell. They offered me a PRIVATE CAR SERVICE to transport me from my apartment to the event and back. At this point, I had to rethink things. Yes, it would still be a lot of time, but it was a grand gesture, they were really needing someone to attend, and I would regain all of those hours I thought I'd lose driving there and back. But I also felt a little weird accepting something like a car service. I could drive myself, couldn't I? I had to keep telling myself, "No, driving yourself that far away, that late on a weekday when you have to work the next day is asking a lot of you. Offering you a car service is the least they can do, given you're doing them such a huge favor."

Ultimately, I said yes. And I'm really, really glad that I did. I had a delightful time at the event. Traffic on the way there was absolutely horrific, so I'm thankful that I didn't offer to drive myself there. But I had a wonderful driver who kept me entertained the entire time. And the group I met with was passionate, excited, and had many questions about the work I do on reproductive health and how it relates to my faith.

A lesson for me: say no when something is too much, even for a great cause. And if they find a way to make it easier for you, take it as a compliment.

Four Weddings and an Ordination

I've declared 2010 the Year of Weddings. I went through another of these right when I graduated from college (crazy kids who got married right after schoo!), and looks like year will be even crazier. SCL and I have been invited to four so far this year, two of which are less than a week apart and two time zones away from each other. And one of our friends is not only getting married, but also ordained as a minister! Needless to say, we've got quite a bit of travel planned for this summer and fall. Here's our current timeline:

End of March: Ordination in Philadelphia, PA

Mid-July: Wedding in New Haven, CT

Beginning of August: Wedding in Savannah, GA

Mid-August: Wedding in Denver, CO

Mid-October: Wedding in Philadelphia, PA

We are so excited for our friends and plan to attend all of these events, which is going to mean some serious extra costs, especially when we'll have to fly to Savannah and Denver. And, I've already stated that I hate the drive to CT up I-95 and would prefer not to drive, even though it would be cheaper.

Given the extra costs, we're trying to plan ahead so as not to be caught off-guard when these dates start approaching.

• Since we've been so on target with budgeting, we actually have a little excess, which we've now put into a joint savings account. It's a great start!
• As I wrote yesterday, I'm going to put a few hundred dollars into this savings account each month. It's nice to be able to do that!
• We're thinking of creative ways to get there. For example, we're considering taking the Bolt Bus to New York and then taking the local train to New Haven rather than taking Amtrak. Not quite as convenient but better than driving ourselves and much cheaper.
• Staying with friends. Let me say I am for the most part beyond sleeping on people's couches. Sorry, at some point I became a grown up, and I want to be well-rested for my friends' special days! But we also have friends with guest rooms, and I'm going to contact them early about having us stay. Hotels can be nice, but they're expensive. And besides that, it's more fun to stay with friends!
• Staying fewer nights. A lot of these places are not too hard to get to and from, and even if it makes it an early morning or a late night, we might think about staying just one night if possible. I like sleeping in my own bed anyway.

I'm hoping that we might be able to make one of these trips more like a vacation (one of our goals as a couple is to take a trip together every year.) Maybe we'll splurge on a nicer place in one of the cities. But for the most part, this'll be an experiment in balancing frugal but relatively comfortable traveling.