Leaving the Computer at Home

But before I do, here's a recap of the last few days. First, right after I blogged the other morning, I almost didn't make it home. There had been a huge storm the night before, throwing off everyone's travel plans, and when I got to the gate, the flight was oversold by four seats. And I didn't have a seat assignment. Shit.

So, I did the most pathetic thing imaginable. I started crying. No, more like sobbing. I begged the woman at the ticket counter, "Please, I have to get home today. I have to go to a wedding!" So, she did some magic and within a few minutes, I had a seat assignment. In the emergency exit aisle with lots of leg room. Next to a really hunky pilot. Not too shabby. And a short hour and half later, I landed.

When I saw my mom waiting for me, I immediately began sobbing for the second time that day--so much that I could barely make out her figure in the crowd. But I threw my bags down and put my arms around her neck and sobbed like a little baby for a good five minutes. I'd been holding those cries in for over a week, and finally I just got to let go and have my mom hold me. She didn't care; she wasn't embarrassed. She just said, "Let it all out, sweet girl." God, I love my mom.

There have been a lot of tears since then, too. Even though I'm home, I still feel like shit and there are still fucking reminders of SCL everywhere I look. I did do a great act of self-care by not going to the wedding I  had today. (Yes, the one I cried about to get home--you got a problem with it?) I just felt like shit, and I knew I wouldn't be adding to my friend's happiness if I went. I'll tell her I got sick and send an extra-nice gift. I never do this kind of thing, but I couldn't handle it today. Plus, I'd made the effort to go to her bachelorette weekend and spend lots of time (and of course money) with her. Whatever, I'm not going to justify it anywhere. I never skip this kind of stuff. But I just felt like it was something I needed to do.

Instead my mom and I spent the day looking for new clothes for me. She spent a somewhat obscene amount of money on me, which I resisted at first until I realized how much she'd been looking forward to shopping together. I realized that I haven't felt beautiful in months, and hell, that needs to change immediately. I'm never going to get past this if I don't start feeling good about myself again.

Being here makes me realize how unhappy I am living so far away from my family. I hate it. I don't want to make any big decisions right now, but I'm thinking about looking into living somewhere else--another city closer to home. The beauty about my job right now is I can do it absolutely anywhere as long as I have a decent airport. So, over the next six months as I'm waiting to hear back about my continued contract, I'm going to start looking into some of cities closer to home. Because honestly, nothing is more important than the people we love, and most of mine right now are south of the Mason-Dixon line.

Mom and I head out forour glamorous vacation of luxury and indulgence tomorrow morning, and I've decided not to take the computer. I just need a break from technology for a few days. I'll be back in DC on Thursday afternoon, so I'm sure you'll hear from me by then. In the meantime, know how much I love all of you, especially those who've taken the time to write, comment, and even send me things--books,  iTunes, your stories. You rock my face off. This is a good thing, btw.

Hitting the Road...Again

But this time (mostly) by choice. First, I have to suffer through a wedding (could the timing be any worse?) tomorrow. Then I'm off for a mini-vacation to the beach with my mom. I am totally prepared to let her baby me as much as is maternally possible.

I just need to get out of here for awhile. I even have plans to get out of town again next weekend. Just trying to stay busy and surrounding myself with people I love and who love me.

I must admit, though, it would have been really nice if I could've asked SCL to help me get to the Metro this morning. One of the downsides of this whole breakup is missing his helpfulness. He was really generous about things like that. Sigh.

I'll probably be blogging at some point, but it might also be a nice break for me just to chill out on the reflection. We'll see.

Thanks again to those of you who have been awesome. And to those of you who haven't been, I say, "Go fuck yourself." Seriously, that would be a better use of your time than making someone who feels like shit feel worse.

Talk to you all soon.

Think Again Thursday: What NOT to Say to Someone Who Just Got Her Heart Broken

First of all, let me preface this by saying that many of you have been absolutely supportive and lovely in the middle of all of this. If you're worried that you said something offensive, most likely that means that you didn't because you are self-aware enough to even be thinking about it.

But, if you're wondering what are some of the most horrible, insensitive things to say to someone going through a break-up, I've made a list of the worst ones I've heard so far (some even from comments on this blog!)

1. "At least you had someone who loved you. Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all." Sorry, it's impossible to feel thankful for anything about my relationship with SCL at this point, especially its very existence. Right now I'm feeling like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind had the right idea. 
2. "Sometimes things in life aren't fair..realize that this guy has moved on several months before you. Pick yourself up and move on. He moved on from you." Perhaps it's getting overused but this one really deserves a big "FUCK YOU." So, basically what you're saying is get over him because he got over me? Oh, why I never thought of that. So glad you enlightened me to the fact that SCL doesn't love me anymore. 
3. "I kinda saw this coming...knew from your blog entry that he wasn't that into you." Another unhelpful "I told you so" and using that godawful line from that stupid book. "Not that into you" is reserved for first dates and three-month undefined relationships, not partners of two years. 
4. "The pain shows you that you are still alive." You know what else does? Me putting my fist into your face. 
5. "[SCL]'s kinda dorky and kind of a pretty boy." Insulting SCL's actual person is really intolerable to me because first of all, I love him and second of all, he was the person I chose to be with. So, insulting him is an insult to me.
6. "You seem to have a pretty negative view of men." Ha! Well, with a shitty father and now this shitty situation, I seem to have a pretty good reason to, don't I? 

Needless to say, any cruel or insensitive comments I receive in response to this or any post will NOT be published but might be featured in subsequent installments of "Think Again Thursday" for future mocking and cursing. So, if you're thinking about sending something insulting, I urge you to think again. 

What Has Been Helpful

If I wanted to, I could already fill up a week's worth of blog posts about unhelpful things people have said to me in the time since the break-up. Many of them would come from comments I've received on this blog. I really do not understand people's lack of compassion--or see someone else's pain as an opportunity to be an asshole. Saying things like "Just move on already" is NOT HELPFUL. Then again, maybe these people aren't trying to be helpful in the first place, to which I say, "Go fuck yourself."

Anyway, I had breakfast with a good friend and minister (read: someone who has been trained to deal with people's emotional shit) yesterday morning. She just listened as I told her what had happened and how scared I was about the future. I do feel like I'm at a point in my life when I'm ready to have a partnership with someone and get married. I'm scared that it will never happen for me.

I said, "I know there's really nothing anyone can say to make me feel better, but can you try?" And she said something along the lines of this:

I have seen many people in the midst of darkness--grief, loss, mourning, despair, hopelessness--just like where you are right now. And I have seen those people in time move into places of great joy and thriving and new opportunity, things they never could have predicted while in that dark place. 

 That is the hope, isn't it?

Tears are Like Nausea.

Tears are like nausea. The sensation comes in waves--it surges and then dissipates. But eventually you're going to puke, so you might as well not fight it. And hell, sometimes it's better just to stick your finger down your throat and get it over with.

I have no idea how many times I've cried since Thursday, but if I had to guess, I'd say on average it's about once an hour. During the two-hour breakfast I just had with my friend A, I think I broke down at least five times, which is just embarrassing really. The mornings seem like the worst to me, though I couldn't tell you why. I think my brain functions best in the morning, and generally I spend them alone. I do my reflecting and journaling in the morning, so it makes sense that it's when I feel the shittiest. Again, just like when I'm sick, I feel the worst in the morning and then once the sun goes down.

I absolutely hate that first moment of waking up in the morning and that split second when I have forgotten about what just happened--and then it all comes surging back. Oh yeah, I'm heart-broken. Oh yeah, I'm a mess. Oh yeah, SCL rejected my love. And then there's the feeling of FML, I have to get through another fucking day of this shit.

I hate the world. I hate everyone. Nothing personal, just everyone fucking sucks right now. Especially the friends who say unhelpful things like "You'll find someone else" or "At least you had someone to love." You know what I say to them? FUCK YOU.

Speaking of which another detail of the break-up: when SCL broke up with me, he actually had the nerve to say "I know you're strong enough to get through this." You know what I say to that? FUCK YOU. You don't get to tell me who I am anymore. It just sounded like a way for him to feel less bad about hurting me, knowing eventually I'll get over it. Yeah, I'm sure I will, but that doesn't change the fact that he's what I have to get over. So yeah, SCL, please don't try to comfort me. In fact, don't say another fucking word to me.

Apparently the tears have led to rage. I can't tell which feels worse.

My News

SCL and I are done. Again. I couldn't bring myself to blog about it right away, mostly because I feel absolutely humiliated and heart-broken. How could this be happening again?

Things between us had been off for several days. I felt SCL was being particularly distant and wouldn't make plans with me, even when I offered to buy us tickets to see Avenue Q. We did agree to spend Thursday evening together. I felt nervous about it, so I thought I'd put some extra effort into looking cute. I even told my hairdresser to give me a sexy look for the night. Of course SCL didn't even notice my hair.

The evening began normally enough. SCL made us pizza, we watched True Blood, and we debated whether to eat the last pint of Ben and Jerry's I bought then or later. Then we ended up downstairs in his room, talking. He seemed distant and upset, so of course I asked him what was up. He complained about work--that he felt like he wasn't going to get in done in time. But that kind of normal-life stress couldn't possibly be the reason for his being so down.

So, I said, "It seems like something else is bothering you." And then it came. Damnit. He said that he felt upset--no, uneasy about us. He said he still felt like he had no clarity about the situation with me--and that he wasn't sure how he felt about me. He did say, however, "I've gotten used to not seeing you every day." I'm not sure that was really a necessary thing to say. All it did was make me feel like shit.

But I'm trying to practice this Buddhist stuff of accepting my feelings as they came and not reacting out in anger, so instead I just continued to ask questions and listen. He wouldn't look at me when he talked, only when he finished a sentence would he look my way, I suppose to gauge my reaction.

Then the words finally came out, "There's a big part of me that doesn't want to do this anymore."

Just typing those words right now are making me bawl. I am sitting at my damn computer, hardly able to see through the tears what I'm even typing. It just hurt me so much to hear him say it again. All I could say to him was that I had tried so hard, had tried everything to be there for him and give him what he told me he needed. I had allowed him to dictate the relationship and what he was willing to give, and I really, really tried to be patient with him as hard as it was. And here he was telling me, "I'm tired of feeling uncertain about things."

I was tired of it, too. But I wasn't about to give up on him. I guess he gave out first. He couldn't handle trudging through the uncertainty. That is his choice.

I resisted his words so much. I asked him, "What about a few weeks ago in the apartment when you said you could envision a future with me? What happened to that?"

Nothing could have prepared me for this. "I can envision a future with you, and I don't think that's what I want." 


This will go down as the meanest thing anyone has said to me. Period. To have the person I love, whom I've tried to love to the very best of my ability, say "I've considered what life would be like with you, and I am rejecting that future together" has got to be the biggest personal insult I have received. It says, "You aren't enough. Your love isn't enough to make me happy." I hate him for saying that. I wish he'd thought about how that would sound and whether he felt it or not, found another way to say it.

I knew that this was the end. I started hyperventilating. I couldn't breathe. I felt like something had taken over my body--like I was having a panic attack. But eventually I calmed down. I looked at him and said, "I hope you find happiness." A few minutes later I said, "I love you very much." He said nothing.

I managed to get up, go find my shoes, and walk out the door, never looking at him and not saying another word. And then I fell apart.

Blogger Meet Up: First "Date" with Date me, D.C.!

I don't know about you, but meeting a friend for the first time is pretty much just as scary as a first date. So, when Katie over at Date me, D.C.! (perhaps the funniest/most terrifying blog of all time) invited me to sneak into a friend's pool yesterday afternoon, I was nervous, excited, and feeling slightly insecure. Would Katie like me? Think I'm cool? What if it's awkward and she doesn't want to see me again? This was my first blog meet-up, and I wanted it to go well.

Now this first date had taken a good while to plan. Katie and I live a mere four blocks from each other (some coincidence, huh?) and she's invited me to several things, including my all-time favorite activity, karaoke. Each time I've had something else going on, and I felt bad that I could never hang out. So when I had no plans yesterday, I jumped at the chance to meet up. It was the perfect day to lounge by the pool, even if it did require cajoling our way into the mega-secured apartment building (nothing like the one SCL and I shared where they'd let anyone who showed up into the building). Katie told me she had a "pool pass" which ended up being a quite useless piece of neon-green colored paper that no one checked when what we really needed was a damn key card.

But, the afternoon was fantastic! As it turns out, Katie is even more awesome than she seems in her blog---totally sassy, hilarious, and fun. Why some amazing guy hasn't scooped her up yet is beyond me because she is fucking fabulous. She also has a fantastic group of friends who are equally fun and funny, and I hope to hang out with them again some time.

I hope this is the first of many dates, and hopefully none of them are bad enough to end up on her blog. And if you haven't read her blog yet, get your ass over there asap!