Tears are like nausea. The sensation comes in waves--it surges and then dissipates. But eventually you're going to puke, so you might as well not fight it. And hell, sometimes it's better just to stick your finger down your throat and get it over with.
I have no idea how many times I've cried since Thursday, but if I had to guess, I'd say on average it's about once an hour. During the two-hour breakfast I just had with my friend A, I think I broke down at least five times, which is just embarrassing really. The mornings seem like the worst to me, though I couldn't tell you why. I think my brain functions best in the morning, and generally I spend them alone. I do my reflecting and journaling in the morning, so it makes sense that it's when I feel the shittiest. Again, just like when I'm sick, I feel the worst in the morning and then once the sun goes down.
I absolutely hate that first moment of waking up in the morning and that split second when I have forgotten about what just happened--and then it all comes surging back. Oh yeah, I'm heart-broken. Oh yeah, I'm a mess. Oh yeah, SCL rejected my love. And then there's the feeling of FML, I have to get through another fucking day of this shit.
I hate the world. I hate everyone. Nothing personal, just everyone fucking sucks right now. Especially the friends who say unhelpful things like "You'll find someone else" or "At least you had someone to love." You know what I say to them? FUCK YOU.
Speaking of which another detail of the break-up: when SCL broke up with me, he actually had the nerve to say "I know you're strong enough to get through this." You know what I say to that? FUCK YOU. You don't get to tell me who I am anymore. It just sounded like a way for him to feel less bad about hurting me, knowing eventually I'll get over it. Yeah, I'm sure I will, but that doesn't change the fact that he's what I have to get over. So yeah, SCL, please don't try to comfort me. In fact, don't say another fucking word to me.
Apparently the tears have led to rage. I can't tell which feels worse.