I wish I had something brilliant to say about being in the middle of this, but today I got nothing. I'm drained. This morning I had a bunch of issues with my bike and tried to fix them myself, which I thought I'd done successfully until I was having to exert abnormal amounts of energy to get from A to B. On my way back, as I rode on the side of the busy street, I was going so slowly and my legs were burning so much that I started bawling. I almost biked over to SCL's for him to help me, but somehow I managed to pass his street and get home, tears streaming down my face all the way.
I cried, "What's happened to me?" Since when did a tight bike chain cause me not just to get frustrated, but to start crying and hyperventilating? I am a mess. A big fucking mess with unpredictable emotions and these outbursts that verge on psychotic. I feel like something's wrong with me.
I can't tell if something is actually wrong with me or if I'm just feeling bad and therefore want to diagnose myself. I know from my Buddhist reading and podcasts that thinking something is wrong with me is common for most people and is part of our unhappiness and wanting things to be different. Blah blah blah. So not helpful to me in this moment.
But sometimes things really are wrong with us. How do we know the difference?