Bringing Relationship Skills into the Office

Not to toot my own horn too much, but in general I am a good communicator. Thanks to a lot of therapy, hard work, and a mom who likes to talk, I've learned to say how I feel in pretty clear, concise ways. This makes relationships of all kinds a bit easier for me. So, I should have known when my co-workers wanted to confront our supervisor about some office ridiculousness that they'd put me in charge of it. Awesome. Actually, the conversation went really well, and I'd like to share what I think helped.

Before sitting down, I had consulted the other people in the office and narrowed down our concerns into two over-arching, interrelated themes: communication (logistical) and feeling valued (emotional, stemming from the logistical). I decided I would outline these and then give everyone the opportunity to elaborate individually about their particular concerns or situation.

Once I brought my supervisor in, I began by stating the obvious--conversations like these are awkward, and I was feeling somewhat uncomfortable as a result. But we all agreed that it was for the health of the organization and for our individual well-being as employees to discuss some problems we had been encountering consistently over the last few months.

After opening, each employee took an opportunity to share and provide specific examples and then our supervisor responded. At the end, we developed a plan of action for how to proceed and discussed a system for addressing future problems.

I think this is a good model for effective communication in any setting, and I learned most of it from conversations with SCL. To summarize:

1. Clarify the problem before talking. Write it down and read it back to yourself. Keep it short and clear.

2. Explain why the conversation is important (i.e. "I really care about this relationship/office/you.")

3. Lay out the issue briefly and follow up with specific, recent examples. Going back months or years only makes the problem worse. It's better to refer to something that happened recently and is fresher in both of your minds.

4. Give an opportunity for the other person to respond. Keep an open mind and be prepared to hear suggestions for how you could do things differently or more effectively.

5. Design a plan of action for how to address the issue and what to do if things do not change.

Being a Daughter at the Holidays

My mom and I like to touch base on Gchat at least once during the day, and this morning was no different. But unlike most chats, this one left me feeling a little more than bitter about the holidays and my role as the only other woman in my immediate family.

Our family is pretty big on gift giving--not so much spending a ton of money, but rather everyone buying everyone else a present. We don't have a ton of people to do this for, but it does get expensive, stressful, and time consuming especially now that my brothers and I are getting a little old for this. I have both a doctor and a lawyer for siblings, so there is literally nothing I could buy them that they need. And one of my brothers has the tendency to buy himself whatever he wants at the drop of a hat. Last year I found him the perfect gift (a Flash Gordon t-shirt) only to find that he had ordered himself one the day before. How can I buy gifts for someone who constantly buys himself ones?

On to my real frustration: stockings. Yes, we still do stockings in my family. It's something my mom loves to do, and we all enjoy getting them. But, things have changed over the years. It used to be that my mom did them for everyone (expensive!), but then I started taking over hers because she figured I would do the best job. Cool, I don't mind. I keep my eye out for things during the year. Not a big deal. But, this year SCL is coming home with me (a big yay), and she reminds me that I have to do a stocking for him. So, that's two stockings I have to do. Daughter: 2. Sons: 0. And I doubt my mom would even consider that if I'm doing one for SCL, maybe he should do mine, too.

And, need I say that I am the youngest sibling with the least amount of cash? Yet I'm the one expected to do my mom's stocking because I'm a girl. UNFAIR. It's turning what should be a joyful thing into a really infuriating one. It's not just about the money either. It's about the time, energy, and creativity required.

I don't want to turn into a humbug, but why don't the men have to contribute to the stocking frenzy? Why is it just assumed that my mom and I should have to put all of the thought and energy into the holiday season?

The Game

SCL and I are still on a mission to find mutual friends and things to do together. So, despite my only attending it once while I was an actual student, we are seriously considering attending a showing of The Game here in DC. The Yale-Harvard game, that is. Read: worst football you will ever subject yourself to.

But, The Game isn't all that bad. My second year of grad school I decided to actually go to The Game, mostly because my Harvard (boo! hiss!...just kidding) friend was visiting. I didn't really give a shit about going, but she insisted. And my brothers would have given me hell had I not attended the only important sporting event at my school at least once. So out of guilt and a little touch of hospitality, off we went.

Now, SCL and I weren't dating at the time, but we were flirting a little. We'd been at a Halloween party a few weeks before and he'd admitted that he thought I was hot. *smile* So needless to say that when he showed up and sat on my row just a few seats down from where I was, The Game got much more interesting. At half-time my friends and I decided we'd had enough (we were getting our butts kicked BIG TIME), and that we'd pass on the second half of what was a terribly painful performance on the part of Yale's football team. Instead we opted for a meal at the very luxurious Chili's, and imagine my delight when SCL, despite having to drive 6 hours home that evening, decided to join us for lunch. I'll never forget he ordered a margarita--a margarita in freezing cold November at lunchtime. It would take another four months and another big game (this time college basketball) to bring us together, but I still consider that our first sort of date.

Tomorrow it will have been two years since our first Yale-Harvard game. But this time I'll be warm (we'll be watching indoors--yipee) and cozy, next to my partner. And maybe we'll ditch it again at half time for some Chili's.

Feminism and Difficult Choices

"Feminism is not simply about making sure women have choice. Feminism is the work of making sure that the hard choice do not fall disproportionately to women."
--My brilliant feminist friend L

I love having smart, articulate friends who just *bam* hit me with brilliance. Defining feminism is one of those things we feminists love to sit around and argue about, and we usually agree to disagree and continue on working for justice. But, when I got this in my inbox yesterday, I found myself saying, "Yes, yes, yes!"

I do believe there is such a thing as being paralyzed by possibilities. When I was graduating from graduate school, I heard a resounding, "You're young! You can do anything, anywhere you want!" Does it not occur to those who says such things that not having parameters can be terrifying? It is isolating, overwhelming, and exhausting to try to review endless possibilities.

Progressive women (and men) are striving for new models of relationship, career, and family, turning the more traditional roles on their heads and using their creativity to arrive at new solutions. Things like job sharing, hyphenated or combined last names, and referring to one's partner as "partner" are all evidence of this. But it doesn't mean that it's easy to move into new models. And, when the new model fails, someone bears the brunt of the breakdown.

In the corporate world, there's still a lot of work to be done in terms of equalizing responsibility and access for women and men. For instance, I work at a women's rights organization, but just yesterday my co-worker wastold she has to use vacation time to attend a parent-teacher conference, something that is not a problem for other co-workers. What kind of model for "healthy family" are we setting? At the same time, I think I am guilty of holding women's organizations to a higher standard when really all organizations should appreciate the value of family and life outside of the office. AND, employees should experience an office culture in which is it is acceptable for both men and women to take advantage of a family leave policy.

Why should women be the ones advocating for these options when they benefit everyone?

We live together. Now what do I call you?

Disclaimer: I know the title of my blog is "Grad-Student Girlfriend," but that's only because of the cute alliteration.

Language is really important to me. What you call things does matter, and frankly, I think there aren't enough words to describe relationships--romantic or otherwise. The ways couples are living out their relationships are varied and complex, and yet the language we have is not. Many couples are choosing what SCL and I have--to be committed partners living together but not (yet) married. But, what do we say when we're introducing each other to other people that expresses that commitment but isn't TMI?

Option 1: Boyfriend/Girlfriend. Do not like this. Too tenth grade. Too big of a spectrum ("My girlfriend and I started dating a month ago.") Doesn't connote commitment.

Option 2: Partner. Like this. Feels awkward with some people. Not culturally relevant for our families. Kind of sounds new-agey/hipster. Kind of sounds like we're not ever planning to marry (we are).

Option 3: ???? Are there other options?

Obviously these cultural cues aren't what is most important to us, but it is frustrating not to be able to shortly articulate what we are: committed adults who love each other, share our lives together, and support one another. Hopefully others can see that in our interactions, but it does not make me any less frustrated.

What are your thoughts? How do you get around this language barrier?

I came home from New Haven...

And SCL had made me a cake. Not just any old, box-mix cake either. A delicious, rich, full of dark chocolate masterpiece.

I should go out of town more often. :-)

Wedding Dress Weekend

Our good friends L and J got engaged about a month ago, and I was thrilled when L called to ask if I'd join her for a weekend of wedding dress shopping. Um, of course! It's given me an actual reason to look at bridal gowns online and watch episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress." I did both of these things before, but now I have a very good excuse: research.

It's so cute to see them both so happy, and I have to give J a lot of credit because last night he was watching the shows right there with us. He doesn't seem at all bored or annoyed by any of it, the way that some men can be. None of this "I'll just show up, you do this rest" nonsense. They are really modeling partnership in the decisions they're making.

It's really nice to have friends striving to have the same kind of partnership that SCL and I work towards.

Now it's time for lots of pouf, sparkle, and lace!