An Apartment Predicament

SCL and I found out while we were broken up that our rent was going up by $200 next year. Hell to the no was I going to pay for that by myself. I figured that'd be the case anyway and had no intention of staying here. Plus, why would I want to live in the apartment that we'd shared? I was all prepared to do some serious craigslist hunting in the coming months.

But last week SCL told me how he really didn't want to live with anyone else--he wanted to live with me. But he also wanted to find a new apartment. I was fine with this. I think a fresh start would be a good thing for us.

It hadn't occurred to me to say, "What a sec, you want to live with me again?" Here's the thing, blog friends. As soon as he told me he wanted back into my life, I couldn't help myself. I was already planning the wedding, the kids, the whole shebang. From the third week of our relationship, I knew that SCL and I would end up together, and the fact that we broke up and got back together less than two weeks ago doesn't seem to have changed that feeling I have. But it does mean that I want a solid commitment from him.

Now that we're discussing it more, I can tell he's unsure about this move. And deep down maybe I am, too. Would moving in together be a good idea, given the last few months? Should we jumping into another big re-commitment just a few months after a break-up? I don't know.

The flip side is what would living apart do to our relationship when we've been living together for a year? To me I would see that as a moving apart and part of me wouldn't believe SCL and I would ever live together again. So, in my mind at least, it's challenging because the options are so cut and dry. We either live together and make plans to have a life together. Or, we separate and drift apart.

Where's my therapist when I need her?

Tension-->Collaboration: Week Five of Therapy

I came into therapy this week feeling a bit more punchy than usual. Now that I'm not in the doom and gloom of the break-up, or in the teary/WTF-is-going-on? stage, my needs are changing. I didn't really know what I wanted to talk about, but we started out discussing the book I've been reading, The Good Marriage. (Really I recommend this to everyone in a serious relationship or who wants to be in one someday.)

In the book, Judith Wallerstein examines the stories of 50 couples in which both partners say they are happy in the relationship. She outlines four types of marriages--romantic, rescue, companionate, and traditional--as well as the necessary tasks that couples undertake over the course of their relationship. She asked if there was one that stuck out to me.

We began discussing one of the early tasks, separating from the family of origin. I explained how in my case I was fortunate to have a mom well-versed in parenting adult children as I'm the youngest of three. She's supportive but not invasive. SCL on the other hand is...well, not as fortunate. His mom means well, but she still thinks she knows best. And of course, no one is good enough for her baby boy. Barf. Needless to say, I haven't had a fair shot. That isn't to say that I've been blameless in the situation, and I fully intend on making amends with his mother as soon as I have the opportunity. But C also reminded me that I can't expect anything from her in return. She may accept my words, she may not, and ultimately I decided I needed to do this for the sake of our relationship. If she continues to be a bother, SCL will need to step in.

This conversation flowed into an airing of quasi-grievances such as having to adjust once again to a life tied to a poor grad student for the next 4 or more years. I was really looking forward to not having to deal with all of that, and here I am again, dealing with it. SCL wants a different apartment with more space, but because he doesn't make much money and I'm not willing to suck it up and pay a lot more out of pocket, that limits where we can live. I'm worried that we'll have to more too far out and getting into DC will be a pain. There's a lot of anxiety in knowing we'll have to compromise on this, and I must be careful not to neglect the things that I need, rather than being silent and playing the martyr later.

The same kind of issue came up as I discussed the importance of marriage and even though it is still quite early in our getting back together, I would like to discuss a timeline for making a formal commitment to each other to solidify the one we are already making by ourselves. This is important to both of us, and well, I'd like to have an idea of when it might happen. I talked about how he had hated the idea of a diamond ring, but admitted last week that was more about finding an excuse not to get engaged than it was about the damn diamond ring.

I realized (well, C helped me realized) that I was approaching these conversations in an adversarial way. I had my wants, he had his wants, there was clashing and arguing. She said, "Try to think about how you'd discuss this with a best friend. Think in terms of collaboration rather than about opposing sides because this is about what's best for your relationship, not either of you individually." Brilliant. And here I was thinking I had this communication thing down. I've got a lot to learn. It honestly had never occurred to me to approach these issues in this way, but it makes complete sense. We both care deeply about these issues, and in a loving relationship, we should honestly care about what the other person wants, thinks, and feels.

I'm going to reflect more on this and try to apply some of this in our conversations this week. Not only will it relieve some of the inevitable tension that occurs when there's disagreement, but it will also help us discern what is actually best for both of us.

What are your best negotiation strategies?

The Remnants of Online Dating

So, as you know, I ventured into the world of online dating for a few weeks before SCL decided he'd been a big idiot in breaking up with me and wanted to start over. After a few days, I figured I'd better at least disable my dating account, not wanting to mislead my "many" suitors. Then all hell broke loose.

One guy wrote back to say that he hadn't had a girlfriend in 5 years, that I was added to his long list of women who'd rather give their ex another chance than go out with him, that I shouldn't come back to him when things don't work out between SCL and me, and that he was VERY interested. It made me laugh my ass off. No wonder he hasn't had a girlfriend in years. He's a psycho.

Then there's J, the one guy I seriously talked with continuously throughout my short online dating experience. He seems really nice, but we hold opposing political views, which I figured ultimately would interfere with our having a chance at a real relationship. He was pretty cute, though, and I was willing to date him. We never got around to making actual plans when SCL and I began to reconcile. I couldn't just cut him off the way I had the others. I felt like I needed to tell him. Over facebook chat. I told him SCL and I were working things out, and I thought this would be enough for him to get the picture.

Apparently not. He keeps calling me, and I keep ignoring him. He keeps texting me, and I ignore those, too. I've told SCL about it, both because I want to be transparent and because I feel a little creeped out by it. Do I continue to ignore him and eventually he'll stop? Do I spell things out more clearly for him? I'm not used to balancing more than one guy, so any advice would be most helpful, bloggy friends.

Let's Talk about (the Lack of) Sex

The beauty of blogging anonymously is I get to be raw, open, and honest with my blog community. Up until now I haven't really talked about sexuality. I'm hugely progressive when it comes to the sexuality of other people (I used to work for a sexuality organization!), but when it comes to myself, I've still got a bit of that Southern belle/good girl complex going on. But seeing as how this is a relationship blog, it would be ridiculous for me not to talk about sex.

The last time SCL and I slept together was February 26th. I know this because apparently he wrote the date down. Even though our break-up was not for another month, things had begun to disintegrate between us weeks before that, and I didn't feel comfortable being intimate with him when I didn't feel close to him. So, not having sex when we were officially broken up wasn't too difficult. By then it had already been a month, and I was getting used to sprawling out in our queen-sized bed.

Now that we're back together again, this is something we have to address again. We both agree that we want a better sex life together, but the question is, how long do we wait before we engage each other sexually? My therapist C told me that it takes three months for a person to no longer be on his "best behavior." She asked what I thought about that. I told her three months sounded like a long-ass time, especially because we know each other so much. But it got me thinking about it--the physical intimacy shouldn't overpower the other forms of intimacy we're rebuilding, namely the emotional intimacy that is new for us.

SCL and I discussed it, and we've decided to wait a month. In the meantime, we're rediscovering the joy of long make-out sessions and enjoying the torturous longing for each other. And I'm still enjoying sprawling out in our big bed.

Our Baby

No, I'm not pregnant. We're not getting a dog either. I'm talking about our new relationship that is now just about a week old.

I've been thinking a lot about what C said in my last session about creating a space in which there are only the two of us. I spent a lot of time this weekend reading The Good Marriage and thinking about how a relationship needs to be nurtured and protected. It's a seriously brutal world out there for people just trying to make it as a couple. With all of the distorted images of what love is, it's challenging to unearth the truth about it and continually resist those ingrained cultural pressures to have a relationship look a certain way.

SCL hasn't told anyone about our getting back together. In the past I think this would have annoyed the hell out of me, but he said, "I want to wait until we've been back together for a little while. I don't want to feel like I have to defend our relationship to anyone." SCL is generally a more private person, so I think it's easier for him to keep things to himself. I've begun telling a few of my friends just because I need to process it, but likewise I'm quite cautious about whom I tell. I'm also not willing to be in a position in which I feel I have to defend my decision to give him a second chance.

Right now we both need to nurture and protect this baby of ours, this new infant relationship. We need to give it lots of care, reassure it, calm it when anxiety runs high.

When I got back from the airport, I was completely frazzled, not just from the exhaustion of traveling, but also from a turbulent flight in which I was seated next to a frightened passenger whom I reassured and then a very delayed, very crowded Metro ride back. I was feeling irritable and cranky until I walked in the door and there were beautiful flowers waiting there for me.

Sweet reassurance.

Reassurance via Gchat

Of course my timing was just perfect with last night's post because as soon as I hit publish, I got a message from SCL.

It felt awkward at first. I kind of hate talking via computer because tone is impossible to detect. I had decided that I'd restrain myself a bit and let him do more of the work. We chatted about our respective weekends--he's in the middle of finals, and I've been chatting with thousands of little old ladies about maternal health. Then he told me that he was looking forward to finals being over, especially because it would mean a lot more time for us to spend together.

Relief. I needed that affirmation. He went on to affirm our relationship and his feelings about me. And most of my anxiety about him possibly having changed his mind went away instantly.

I did tell him that it would have been helpful if he had at least said "hi" before last night or if we'd been more clear about when exactly we would talk. He said that was fair. I'm learning that I can't assume anything, especially right now because the rules are so different.

I was most relieved when he said this: "I feel like I'm in a place of hope and optimism that I haven't been at for a while, but I guess it's not just that, because those are things that are bound to come and go. I guess I'm trying to realize that I don't have to feel a certain way all the time, and sharing my thoughts and feelings with you isn't something I need to be afraid of."

Yes. Exactly. I told him how relieved I felt to hear him say that, and that I knew how hard it is for him to open up to me but that I appreciate it deeply.

All of this is a process, a difficult one. A lot of times I feel insecure and worry that he's changed his mind, and I think that's to be expected. The clearer we can be with each other through communication, the better. But I'm thankful for his new openness and insight. We are moving forward, one baby step at a time.

I'm Sorry, Are We Not Having Contact?

I'm sitting in my hotel room, overlooking the Cardinals game. I just consumed a chicken quesadilla and a piece of peanut butter pie, complete with a Coca-Cola. You could say it was a comfort meal. I need some comfort.

Before I left for St. Louis, I specifically asked SCL about communication while I was away since we're trying to be more honest and open, as well as take things more slowly. He said, "We can talk on the computer." I took this to mean e-mail, Gchat, or Facebook chat. Perhaps I should've been more specific. It's now been approximately 60 hours since I left DC, and I have not heard a single peep from SCL. And I'm kind of irritated.

I'm imagining what I will do if he doesn't contact me at all before I arrive home tomorrow evening. I imagine I will be fucking furious. What about him showing me that he's for real this time? I appreciate the distance, but a simple "Hi, hope you're doing well" would have been nice. Or, you know, "did you make it there alive?" kind of thing would have also been acceptable.

I'm tired--tired of being the one to be communicative all the time. What makes him think that what I need to feel secure about his commitment (something I told him I would need him to show me) is silence on his end? Again, I'm not saying we needed to chat on the phone for hours and hours, but just a "I'm thinking about you" note or logging onto Gchat for five minutes would have made all the difference.

Do I really need to spell things out this clearly? Why wouldn't it occur to him that I need to hear from him at some point during the past three days? Oh, wouldn't you know, he just signed onto Gchat. Of course. Let's see if he says something.