But last week SCL told me how he really didn't want to live with anyone else--he wanted to live with me. But he also wanted to find a new apartment. I was fine with this. I think a fresh start would be a good thing for us.
It hadn't occurred to me to say, "What a sec, you want to live with me again?" Here's the thing, blog friends. As soon as he told me he wanted back into my life, I couldn't help myself. I was already planning the wedding, the kids, the whole shebang. From the third week of our relationship, I knew that SCL and I would end up together, and the fact that we broke up and got back together less than two weeks ago doesn't seem to have changed that feeling I have. But it does mean that I want a solid commitment from him.
Now that we're discussing it more, I can tell he's unsure about this move. And deep down maybe I am, too. Would moving in together be a good idea, given the last few months? Should we jumping into another big re-commitment just a few months after a break-up? I don't know.
The flip side is what would living apart do to our relationship when we've been living together for a year? To me I would see that as a moving apart and part of me wouldn't believe SCL and I would ever live together again. So, in my mind at least, it's challenging because the options are so cut and dry. We either live together and make plans to have a life together. Or, we separate and drift apart.
Where's my therapist when I need her?
hmmm that is tricky. I agree with you, it would be really hard to not live together when you have been. And not living together may push you apart. Maybe if you live together you should really make it a priority to find some hobbies or things to do without each other? So you are connected but still have some space?ReplyDelete
Cee, exactly! It is so complicated. Absolutely on the spending time outside of the apartment. Maintaining our separate identities while building an us-ness, is definitely a high priority.ReplyDelete
Ack! It sucks this decision is right when your relationship is such a "new baby." It would be a much better as an "it's been three-to-six months where do we stand now" decision. Darn leasing contracts!ReplyDelete
You may be right and it may slightly push you apart but on the other hand, moving in together again when you say you can tell he's unsure and you are too slightly may be a worse idea. Perhaps having separate apartments for a little while would give you two your own space to think and work through things and strengthen the time you do spend together? Maybe living apart doesn't necessarily facilitate drifting apart. And then if you two decide to move in again together maybe it shouldn't be partially due to the fact that you're pressed to make a decision at this very moment, which would strengthen that momentous (re)decision! Not sure what the best decision is here but good luck! Keep us posted!ReplyDelete
I'm with Diana with this one. If you both are not 100% into living together I don't think it would be a good idea. It could have the opposite effect you're looking for and push you further apart.ReplyDelete
I'd say you both need to sit down and have a long conversation. Maybe together you can come up with a good situation for the both of you.
I am feeling a little protective of you at the moment, so please feel free to disregard what I am about to say.ReplyDelete
I am going to confess that in my dating journey I lived with more boyfriends then I care to admit to. If marriage is as important to you as you say it is, I am going to strongly advise that you avoid living together for now, not for any moral reasons, but simply because it means he has to earn you and you him. It establishes your worth. A man who is interested in marrying you will launch an unmistakable campaign to make you a part of his life, rather than fading off into the sunset.
Regardless of whatever decision you make, life has a funny way of working itself out despite ourselves. I am sure you will find your way.
Thanks everyone, I'm now more confused than ever! :-PReplyDelete
I think what is at the root of it is that no matter what decision we make, it needs to be made cautiously and intentionally. I think we have similar fears and worries about it. Neither of us wants to pull apart to push together too quickly.
I think we'll see my counselor in a few weeks to discuss.
I think Florida Girl has it right. If he's really interested in being a part of your life, he'll make it work no matter where you live. If you're afraid of living apart because you think living together is part of what's holding you together? That's not a good sign.ReplyDelete
It's not what's holding us together. There inevitably would be a separating in living apart. Would it necessitate a backwards step in our relationship? I don't know, but I feel that it would. As he said earlier today, it would feel like we were dating again rather than building on a committed relationship. It's tough to think about.ReplyDelete
So I'm coming from a completely different point of view because I've made the "moral" decision to not live with any potential boyfriend until I'm married. It's not a popular decision and I'm not saying you should live this way. But I don't think you should move in together when you have so many questions. I really think Florida Girl has it right. I know this is a tough situation but I don't necessarily think living apart would grow you two apart, especially if he is really committed to making it work, as are you. It might actually HELP your relationship.ReplyDelete
You're right, Stephany. It might. The difference is it wouldn't be moving in together as we already live together. It would be deciding to continue living together or to move out, which is different.ReplyDelete
I think not living together would be a true testament of how much you both want to nurture this "new" relationship. Based on the events of the last few months the road ahead is going to be long and tiring. There is a lot of work to be done but the outcome could so be worth it. Look at it this way. Eventhough you have been dating for over a year and a half, he is basically a new partner (he's changed and for the better, but none the less, new) and would you live with a new partner 2 weeks into the relationship? I think living apart will only strenghthen you two as individuals and as a unit. Plus like you said, it has to be different this time and what is more different than not living together. Give it a try! It doesn't have to be an entire year. Who says you have to sign a 12 month lease at an apartment complex. Like you said, get on Craigslist and rent a room.ReplyDelete
Brian, thanks for your balanced perspective. Perhaps there is a middle ground as you say--finding something for a few months, etc. We'll see what the possibilities are! Also think your blog is just great. Very sweet!ReplyDelete
Also, although SCL is like a new partner, he certainly isn't new in the sense of just having met him. I know this is "duh," but nontheless true.
I think that you should move back in together. That's just me though. You love him and he loves you--sometimes we hit major bumps in the road...but you don't want to live with any regrets. My stupid blogger does not notify me if you comment back on your blog, but I see that you do comment back. I have probably missed some responses.ReplyDelete