First Go at Couples Counseling: Week Seven of Therapy

Yesterday SCL and I ventured into couples counseling for the first time, and we got out alive and--better yet--not hating each other.

We talked only briefly beforehand about what we wanted from the session. I said I wanted to explore why our relationship fell apart and find new ways to relate better. SCL said that he wanted to get some clarity about how he's feeling about us. So, we're definitely in different places in terms of where we currently see the situation.

C asked what barriers we see in our current situation. SCL said living together is very difficult for him because it feels "normal" although we're not as we were before. I responded that I didn't feel like it was "normal" because he's living in another room! But I got what he meant; it is weird to still be living in this shared space, although that will only be for a few more weeks. He's already found a new place, and I'm searching for mine.

One thing that came out was right now, although he does want to get married eventually, SCL doesn't see himself getting married while he's in school. What this means is that although he told me it was, his going to school was never a "good for us" thing. And C said I'll have to see if that's something I can accept. In my mind, I think, "Ok, I guess I could wait until I'm 31 or so to get married." But it's really not what I want, at least for now.

That was probably when C was at her wisest. She said, "People's feelings change over time. There's no way to project how we will feel about something in the future." This means SCL could continue feeling that way about marriage or not. I could continue feeling this way about marriage or not. We don't know.

But I know that we're doing well right now. And I want to continue doing better. I'm trying to live in the moment and take it one day at a time.


  1. This sounds like it went well! Not too much, not too little. Copules therapy is a great idea! I really need to bring up the subject with the BF! This could help us out a whole lot = D Kudos.

  2. Sounds like it went really well. And I really liked what C said about not knowing what will happen in the future or how your feelings will be. I'd definitely keep that in mind.

  3. I think you guys are role models for going to couples therapy! More people (myself included) should do that...I think it can only help, no matter what the realtionship situation is.

  4. feelings do change, so often. i thought i never wanted kids and now i've got different feelings about that. but we all know we can't build a relationship on what we hope the other person will feel eventually or gauge where they are in the sliding scale.

  5. One day at a time is all any of us can do. You are doing great.

  6. A couple questions...Did you ever find out if SCL tried getting together with his obsession after he broke up with you? Basically where things stand with that whole situation? And why doesn't he want to get married while in school? I understand the cost thing if you two are paying for it, but if not the cost then you were basically married before because you were living together with the intention of keeping it that way forever. I would just look out for excuses because it would be a shame to wait till 31 and then have him give you another excuse or decide school is going to take 4 more years, etc. That being said, have some fun, enjoy each other, and let him see that fun single girl side of you that came out not too long ago!

  7. Thanks for the encouragement, everyone! I really recommend couple's counseling to anybody. Really helpful to have someone else in the room asking good questions.

    BK--no, SCL did not try to get together with his obsession. He is really beginning to understand that thoughts of her are an escape, a fantasy. Thank God for his therapist. I would eventually, when things are clearer, like to tell him to be intentional about not contacting her.

    As for the marriage thing, I think this is about financial stability for him. He would like to have finished school and have a job, feel that kind of stability before making a commitment. Again, this could change over time, but I do understand where he's coming from.

    Like you said, I'm trying to ease up on the long-term thinking for now and focus on enjoying each other. Thanks for your good questions!