In preparation for my weekly therapy session with C, I was journaling about everything that had happened since I saw her the week before, and I contemplated what I felt comfortable sharing. I realized I was considering filtering myself. With my therapist. The person I pay big bucks to listen to me. That seemed like something worth bringing up.
I started the session by saying, "I really want to share with you everything that's going on with Carolina Man, but I'm afraid of what you'll think." Really, I'm afraid of what everyone will think. The few friends I've told about him are excited for me but understandably protective. They've seen me get hurt and don't want me to go through it again. Part of it is that other than my boss, I don't have anyone in my life who's met him, so they haven't seen for themselves what a great connection we have. Other than on the blog, I haven't gushed much because I don't want to feel like I have to justify the strength and certainty of my feelings this early.
And like the professional that she is, she responded with the perfect thing: "I hear what you're saying, but I'm not really interested in what other people think about it. I'm really curious what you're thinking about all of it." I got a huge smile on my face and the gushing began. "I'm so happy. I've never felt this way about anyone before. He's such a good match for me. I would move to North Carolina tomorrow if I could." She just beamed and said how thrilled she was for me.
We began to pick apart and examine the hesitation on my end with telling others about the new man in my life. "I'm afraid that they're going to think I'm just acting on emotions, on infatuation," I said. "What's so wrong with being infatuated?" she asked. Good point.
"I don't think infatuation is the state of mind I want to be in to be making big life decisions," I said. "I'm so used to being rational and logical that the idea of acting on a feeling, even as strong as this, is difficult for me to think about."
We looked at infatuation extensively. She explained that it's the normal, healthy beginning stage of a relationship, and while it isn't sustainable, it's an indicator of the important click we need to feel with our partner. The problem is when people think that infatuation is supposed to last forever and when things settle into the daily calm of normal life, they think the relationship has soured.
I've talked with C about my relationship non-negotiables over the last year and a half, and she could see that he meets them all. It was helpful to have that reflected back to me. One that she pointed out that I hadn't considered before is my need to know where I stand with my partner. The other guys I've dated have expressed interest and affection, but didn't want to clarify what we were to each other. With Carolina Man, I don't have to question that at all. He's been so forthright about his intentions for us and his vision of a life together. I love that about him.
I left the therapy session feeling relieved and affirmed for where I am in the moment--totally, completely head over heels in love.
I'm not sure what happened to yesterday's post. It's missing! Anyone else having problems with blogger today?
I like the way I look through your eyes. And I like the way I smell through my nose.ReplyDelete
is this his comment above? does that mean you have shared the blog with him?ReplyDelete
I have indeed and I feel awesome about it!ReplyDelete
Oh. My. Flipping. God. He commented on your blog? Um - FREAKING OUT.ReplyDelete
I am so damn happy for you.
Aw. I am happy for you too.ReplyDelete
Can't get logged in so I'll post as Anonymous but this is THE Carolina Man...ReplyDelete
Hi everybody! Yes, she's letting me peek into her secret blog world, I feel so priveledged.
I love this post because the concept of infatuation and sharing my joy with friends and family are things I'm dealing with too. Vicarious therapy is the best! It's such a relief to be able to say "it's ok to be infatuated, and it's actually a good thing!" I feel like we're both so self-aware that we know the dangers of infatuation and we know it will fade. But the core love we have will remain.
I hope yesterday's post isn't gone forever because I love reading about how awesome I am.
I think you should enjoy this. A good man is hard to find. Congrats! :)ReplyDelete
Hi Mr. Carolina Man. Welcome into the wonderful world of Thenonstudent. She is an awesome girl, I bet you are discovering that by now. Some of us have never met her but follow her life and we are quite protective of her. Some of us have used not so kind words to kick her in the shins for not letting her awesome self feel what it is like to be appreciated. Now that she is opening up...with you, we are ecstatic. I just want to speak on behalf of her regulars (yea, I just designated myself TNS spokesperson). *Steps to the mic* Please continue to be open and honest with her, you seem like an awesome guy and we are rooting for you and TNS. She deserves happiness and you do too. She has loads of good in that heart of hers, do enjoy getting to know her and enjoy the awesome person that she is.ReplyDelete
*serious face*Take good care of her (we are watching you, *two finger to eyes motion*) *drops mic*
TNS regular all the way from East Africa
i am giddy with happiness for you Mam... :)))ReplyDelete
this is DOll from Nigeria Co signing with anonymous above. she's a really decent girl and has been through a lot, i think she deserves someone honest, caring and real to be there for her. I am a bit scared that this is moving too fast, but hey! life is for the living and so is risks.ReplyDelete
You better be good to her! i am counting on it!
You guys are great. I'm so happy she has such a supportive community. Don't worry! I'm going to take good care of her, she's been hurt enough.ReplyDelete