I wrote the following on March 25, 2010, just a few days after SCL and I broke up
. I sealed the seven pages of journaling into an envelope and dated it March 25, 2011. I read it a few months ago and then didn't think about it again. But when I was with Carolina Man
this week, something he said reminded me of this passage. I shared it with him last night and I want to share part of it with you now.
When I'm honest with myself, I realize that the reason I could not even picture SCL proposing to me was not because I was so excited about all of it. It wasn't jitters or other fun feelings of anticipation. It was that deep down I didn't believe he would actually do it. I held it up as this blessed moment when he finally, finally, FINALLY would show me love in a truly selfless way. Wow. When I write that out, I realize how truly fucked up that was.
I can't control what others think, how they love or don't love, if and when they decide to enter or exit my life. But I can work to turn the love I so easily give outwardly toward myself. I can show myself love, care for myself, be satisfied with myself. I will have to learn to do this, but I am able to learn it and I desire to learn it. I want to feel and know that I am a complete person, truly loved and valued, and deserving of nothing less than being truly loved by others.
On the subway I was daydreaming about how somewhere in the world, there's a man with a broken heart, a man who was ready to give his heart but not to the right woman, who is hurting just like me, believing he'd just lost his one opportunity for love. And I dream that he's figuring all this out, learning to move forward, growing into himself, preparing for a time when he'll be ready to love again. We'll meet, we'll flirt, we'll feel all those feeling of spark and passion and new love. We'll realize that we can love again and we'll learn to allow ourselves to do just that. We'll be open, honest, and communicate. We'll eventually find ourselves on the same page. We'll want, but not need, one another. And we'll begin to understand it better--the past, the heartache, the pain, the difficulty. It'll make sense in a new way.
I didn't know anything about Carolina Man at the time. It wouldn't be until August 24, 2010 that I'd even hear about him. And it wasn't until December 4, 2010 that we met. And it wasn't until June 26, 2011 that we kissed the first time. But deep down, I felt that when the time was right, I'd meet the man I imagined in my mind. And I believe with all my heart that he's it.
You lucky lucky girl...am closing my eyes and praying i find a 'Carolina Man' soon....ReplyDelete
I've looked back over old journals and it's bizarre the insights we have sometimes.ReplyDelete
I really needed to read this today. Thank you so much for sharing. I feel like I'm still in that place you wrote about in your passage, but this gives me a sense of hope. ::hug::ReplyDelete
When you wrote that passage in March of 2010 I was 3 months into couples counselling with my now ex-wife and starting to realize she was never going to change. My heart was breaking and I was having to come to terms with the fact that my marriage was not going to last. I had spent 5 years convincing myself that we could make anything work; that any obstacles could be overcome. Dissolving that relationship and admitting failure was one of the hardest moments of my life. I truly believed that was my one chance and we had blown it. I can't even express how amazed I am that I found you. I was jaded, guarded, done, exhausted. Now I am energized, hopeful, ready, and anxious to start a new life with you.ReplyDelete
The excerpt below is a testament to how self-aware, psychologically healthy, and emotionally mature you are and it makes me love you even more:
I can't control what others think, how they love or don't love, if and when they decide to enter or exit my life. But I can work to turn the love I so easily give outwardly toward myself. I can show myself love, care for myself, be satisfied with myself.
Not only was SCL a total ass-hat but he had no idea what he had in you and I'm selfishly glad he let you go.ReplyDelete