First Night Alone

SCL spent the night at his new place. Technically this wasn't my first night alone in our apartment--I spent plenty of those while we were broken up. The difference is this time he's staying in his own place, not at a friend's or at his parents'. This is a permanent move, and I've still got another month before I can begin moving into my house. So in the meantime I've got to learn to deal with living here alone. 

It's not like he's moved all of his stuff out, but he's got one foot out the door for sure. He sold the extra bed and dresser. Most of his books are gone, and a lot of his clothes, too. He's even down to a single monitor on his desk (there were three. Yes, he is a total computer nerd if you didn't know.) And to make it worse, his moving things out has only seemed to make my things explode everywhere. Now I'm living in chaos of my own creation. 

Instead of dealing with the present situation, I prefer thinking about my new place, occupying myself with decoration ideas and picturing how serene and beautiful it will be. I have what I'd like my bed to look like in my head. It looks something like this:

But I've still got time to spend here, and I don't want to waste it wishing it away. 

It's hard to have SCL already literally moving on and for me be stuck in the same place. That's how I've felt in the past about the relationship in general--him moving to a new place and I'm trying to catch up. I'm still struggling with all of the transitions we're going through, wondering if it's really going to work and if I'm going to be able to adjust. The tendency to cling right now is strong and difficult to resist, and yet I know that is one of the biggest issues I have to overcome. 

I'm struggling to be strong when all I really want is to have him hold me.