Thanks again to everyone for the lovely birthday wishes! Although it started off slow, I kicked it into high gear when the sun went down. I spent the night at my favorite gay karaoke bar, singing with a sparkly top hat on my head. Of course with that accouterment, the only appropriate things to sing were show tunes. "All that Jazz" was a big hit, and redeemed my not getting picked for the local production of Chicago. Those mofos didn't know what they were missing!
Earlier that evening SCL and I had a delicious meal at a little Italian restaurant in Old Town Alexandria. That was the first time we'd been out anywhere for weeks. The tension of not knowing where we stand is with me all the time, and even though it was my birthday, last night was no exception. I had been quite a little snit earlier in the day when we talked on the phone briefly. When he didn't immediately say "Happy Birthday," I kind of jumped down his throat. I've gotten into this pattern of reading into every single little thing he does or doesn't do, and it comes back to bite me in the butt.
While this had been an overreaction, it was an entree into talking about how I feel about our situation currently, aided by the half bottle of Pinot grigio I had downed at that point. I apologized for the earlier incident, though stood my ground that I had felt snubbed. He told me I read into things too much. I retorted, "Yes, I do. That's because I don't know what you're thinking!"
And then I went into a wine-induced rant about how I was worried about the future, that he could walk away at any second, and I am constantly thinking what every little thing means. I told him that I'm trying to give him the space and time he needs, but I don't want to do so at the cost of tending to my own needs. I told him that I'm not fixated on the when of getting married, but really the only way I want to be with him is if we're moving in that direction. Yikes, the wine is truly my truth serum.
Then I finally quit talking, and it was his turn. He told me that he loves me and that he focuses on his hang-ups too much, like when we'd get married and his family. I told him that I'm not fixated on the when so much, and while I could try harder with his parents, I can't change the way they feel. And then I blurted out, "I think they'd be an issue no matter what woman you were in a relationship with because they can't let you go." Perhaps that was taking it a bit too far. Again, I blame the wine.
I didn't get any answers, but now SCL knows for real what it is I want in our relationship--and that I'm not going to settle for just anything he'll give me. And later on in the evening when he got up to sing "Private Eyes" at the gay karaoke bar, I was reminded of how much I do want him around now...and for good.