Listening to Myself

Let me preface this post by saying how much I love you all who read and comment on my blog. Please keep doing it!

I am struggling with discerning how I really feel about this situation with SCL. Because I'm not certain of my own feelings, I'm looking for clarity constantly, and I think I've been quick to take others' words to heart without really examining them and questioning if they ring true. And I think this is having an adverse effect on my relationship with SCL.

One word I've heard many times in comments is lukewarm. I'd begun to accept that SCL was, in fact, lukewarm about us. And I told him this. But when he asked me what he could do differently, I could not come up with a behavior that he has been showing me that indicates he's lukewarm. It's more that I'm frustrated that he's not yet in a place of knowing how he feels. It's not that he's avoiding thinking about it. He admitted that he's been really busy with moving and writing a paper for a conference that he has to present tomorrow. He's stressed and occupied, and for the last two weeks he just hasn't been able to be introspective about anything, including our relationship.

I don't think I'm always fair to SCL in this blog. I think I tend to convey the worst part of how I'm feeling. Why did I expect things to be great at this point, just a few weeks after he moved out and I am still in our old place? It's totally weird and awkward and liminal. SCL was the one who had the best insight about it. He said, "I'm not expecting it to be great all the time with all of this transition going on. But it also does feel normal and right and good some of the time." Precisely. There will be ups and downs, and adjustments will be made. But that doesn't mean the down times are representative of the entire relationship, or that they're the real parts of what's going on.

When I was out of town, SCL was the one checking in with me almost daily. He's the one who made me dinner when I had no food at my house. He's the one who suggested we spend the day together on Sunday. And he's the one who came over late last night to talk through it all and accept my offering of peace: cupcakes.

This doesn't mean that I don't have a right to feel bad or weird or unhappy right now, but it does mean that I need to think about the situation we're in. It might not be just about something SCL is doing, but rather the result of being in a difficult transition. The last thing I need to do is to blame him for the difficulty. What we need to do is work through it together, admit when it's hard, and enjoy the times when it feels wonderful despite the weirdness. So, I'm going to try not to jump on his case and accept the situation for what it is: a beautiful, messy transition.

4 comments:

  1. Lord, you're more mature than I am about my relationship and I've been married for almost 2 years. Believe me, it happens. When I'm mad at my hubby I can't help but put him in a bad light. Maybe not the best thing to do but... it happens.

    I think it's good that you can look at him and find the good things. It means you're trying your best. That's all you can do.

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  2. Just always be true to yourself and listen to that voice deep down inside. It's usually spot on. I have been where you are and pushed a relationship to go the direction I wanted it to go because I thought that was right.

    It wasn't. And one day, I allowed that voice to speak clearly to me. I am now happily married to the man of my dreams.

    And I am not saying SCL isn't the man of your dreams. I am just saying to listen to that voice deep inside you. It will lead you the right way.

    Wow, that was deep. Time to snap out of that profound way of thinking. ;)

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  3. Blogs are supposed to be there for us to say whatever we're feeling right? It doesn't always have to be "fair." But...it's that very problem that keeps me from writing about any problems I might have with my husband. He reads my blog, too, so if I were to write anything along those lines, it would probably hurt his feelings and I'd definitely hear about it. It would seem sort of unfair to him to portray him badly, because it's not as if he gets equal space to defend himself. And...I think most people tend to focus more on the bad than the good when it comes to talking about their relationships. When it's good, people don't talk about (at least, not really after the new wears off.) :)

    Anyhow. I think advice should be just that: advice. It's someone else's opinion about how things should be done, but it doesn't obligate you to change. Hopefully advice gives you good things to think about, but it shouldn't tell you what to think. :)

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  4. You're exactly right! The bad feelings definitely inspire me to write more than the good or neutral ones. At times I can value other people's opinions more than my own--or not examine my own while poring over others. This is pretty messed up and something I need to work on.

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