I hate moving with a passion. Maybe if I didn't have to move every single freaking year I wouldn't hate it quite as much. But this coming weekend I'll be moving for--wait for it--the NINTH time since starting college. My impulse is just to throw everything out and start over again. If only I had the budget and fiscal irresponsibility to do that.
Luckily I've got some overlap in leases which means I can move in stages, which takes some of the pressure off, but it also stretches the damn thing out for another week. I'm ready just to get it over with! Whenever I start thinking about having to move, I either get angry, usually at least a little at SCL, or I start throwing shit into boxes. I've got the U-Haul all rented for Saturday morning, so I'll probably be spending the 4th of July unpacking. Awesome.
This is so not where I thought my life would be. I know I need to just get over it, but I can't help but feel disappointed. This time last year I thought I'd be rocking an engagement ring this summer. That was the plan.I like plans, especially the rare one that happens to work out the way I'd hoped. This morning I was dozing and I was thinking how long we'll go on like this, living separately with roommates. The thought of doing that for the next four years--and maybe beyond--is inconceivable to me.
I can't help in this moment but to resent SCL a bit for putting me through another move and all the disappointment attached to it. I know things will all work out one way or another, but right now I just want to be a bit pissed off. And throw everything away. I should've gotten professional movers...
Moving sucks! I intended to one-up you with my seven moves in the last three years, until you trumped me with nine. WOW!! Although, I HOPE I can add an eighth before the year is out. Need. To. Move.
ReplyDeleteAbout SCL. I know it's hard. I know you love him. But are you really getting what you want? I'm going through a break-up that neither of us particularly want, but we both know we want different things in the long run. It's super hard, but we'll both be happier in the end. ... I'm not suggesting anything to you other than make sure you're doing what makes YOU happy. That's what matters when you're 80 and wrinkly. :)
Well, Jen, you definitely trump me then. I average about a move per year. How do you do it and not go insane?
ReplyDeleteAs for SCL, this certainly isn't an easy time, but I feel like making a major decision in a big transition wouldn't be wise. I want to give it some more time and see how I feel once things have calmed down a bit.
Best of luck with that move. Just the thought of moving again makes me wince. I understand your frustrations.
ReplyDeleteUgh, I hate moving too. I've moved 6 times in the last 6 years and I'm definitely sick of it, so I feel your pain.
ReplyDeleteHey, I'm out of town this weekend, but girl, you know I've been exactly where you are, so I am MORE than willing to help you move, even though we haven't technically met in real life yet.
ReplyDeleteAdditionally, for what it's worth, the day laborers at the UHaul center were very helpful, if you speak any Spanish at all.
Oh how I went through that phase too... the dreaded moving and moving and moving some more phase. Right after college too. And mostly due to a guy (damn that guy!). But I haven't moved in quite awhile and it feels great. You finally put up pictures, you actually unpack ALL of your boxes, you start buying better furniture, etc. etc. But you'll get there, you really will. It might just take a few more moves though ;-)
ReplyDeleteCan't say I dont feel your pain - I bleed for you matter of fact. Nine times !! Is that nine times in nine years though ? I've moved 6 times, once every year for 6 years for various reasons including the landlord's property being repossessed, and moving country. Twice. I hate it. Tenancy expired 3 days ago and almost moved, but wouldnt be talked into it. I just want to stay put for a little and learn once more what it feels like to call some place home for more than a year !!!
ReplyDeleteI am afraid that you and SCL are not so compatible. The lack of communication is concerning to me, and he seems unwilling to articulate his long term goals and feelings. Also, he comes across as a bit of a selfish kind of guy.......is he?
ReplyDeleteAre you 2 really compatible? If things about you and him bother you now, my experience has been that they do NOT get any better, and in fact bother you more with time. He just seems kind of closed up and a loner. An uber introvert and you are an extrovert. Will this man really make you happy in the long term or are you settling for what you hope to get at some point. I know there is other good stuff a about him, but these are just some of the red flags I see waving from what you've said in your blog.
Moving does suck. Every time we move, I come to realize how much junk we have. I always plan to throw 90% of it away, but really only get around to maybe 10%. Blah. But the setting up in a new place, I always enjoyed that. It always feels like a fresh start.
ReplyDeleteAbout what your first comment from Jen & your reply to it ...
I think you are absolutely right about not making a major decision in this big transition. You're already stressed out about the moving. I would definitely recommend giving it some time before allowing yourself to make a decision on how you feel you are being treated in this relationship with SCL. From what you blog {as I know there are two sides to every story} it just seems as if you're settling. To me, I feel like you're moving backwards instead of forwards. Aren't relationships that progress move forward, not backward?
On the subject of settling, obviously this is a big question I can't sum up in a few sentences. I guess I struggle with knowing what I can expect from a relationship--what's too little, what's too much. I'm also reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book on marriage right now, so that's probably having an effect as well.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on the religious books, and 5 lang of love had a tone of religious acceptance to me, that I couldn't swallow, but it did have some so so not bad stuff too.
ReplyDeleteThere is no perfect relationship, and everyone settles just a bit. But are the 2 of you compatible? If it's this tuff now, it will only get harder. And I can't help feel as if he wants his cake and eat it too. He was lonely so he wanted you back. But is he making a commitment? Where is it? Is he even talking about his feelings? Yeah, I know guys don't do that so well, but you must know where you stand with him, and the L word is just talk. You need the action behind it.
Anway, I agree---take your time!! Do not make any snap decison esp with this move you are going thru. You have lots of time. And don't obsess about the "ring on your finger". That is not important; the relationship is, and you guys are not at all ready to go for the ring. So don't be influenced by your gf's who think the ring will make everything right, cuz it does not. But it's good that you are asessing things, and not letting him get away with wallowing in the "I don't know what I want" phase. But there has to be a time limit or you will end up getting that sick feeling in your heart, and you won't even enjoy being with him anymore. That's the bottom, so I hope the 2 of you can sort out before that becomes your low point. Good luck, and I will continue to follow!
Thanks, Felisha. Glad you're following. Nope, not wanting a ring, but definitely would like some clarity as to where all of this is heading. SCL knows that, and has articulated his fears and reservations at the moment. Life is a process, and so is growing together.
ReplyDeleteI will say SCL doesn't just come and go as he pleases. He is making more of the effort now than I am, which I think is ok given what's happened over the last few months. He's the one at my place making me dinner nearly every night. To me there is something to be said of that kind of consistency. But we will see.
i have finally settled into my house, that we own, so i should be done moving for a pretty long time- but it is the most awful thing ever. i hated in college having to pack everything up year after year...
ReplyDeletei am a new follower, so i have to catch up on your previous posts!!
Im moving out of my house in a weeks time and i hate it!
ReplyDeleteThanks for such honesty in this post.
ReplyDeleteI've moved about 19 times in my life and I know I'll just keep adding it on as I graduate and change careers and all that fun stuff. Moving is NOT FUN but I do enjoy those first few days at a new place. Good luck!
ugh sounds so frustrating.
ReplyDeleteI just left you a little something on my blog. I hope this cheers you up :-).
It's nice that he's at your place making dinner,but is that really making an effort? I had bf that loved to cook, and it was his way of showing me he cared, but he was a bad communicator, and in some ways I felt it was his "cover" of having to talk and deal with our relationship issues. It was something nice, and that he enjoyed and I enjoyed, and yes, it made me feel like he was "taking care of me" but it is no substitute for the gritty talks you also have to have. Can I ask what SCL is afraid of? What are his concerns about the 2 of you? What does he see in your future as a couple, and what does he want? Does he see compatibility? Do your long term goals line up? All questions that must be discussed, and I know it's hard.
ReplyDeleteIn my relationship I never got the answers. He was a wonderful sweet guy and we loved spending time together, but our long term goals did not align, and I knew it was a "for now" relationship. I could talk about the limited relationship we had, he never could. And eventually I felt like it was a void, and that it was not healthy to stay with him, even though we had wonderful times together and NEVER fought. But that feeling of uncertaintly, and knowing that we did not have long term eventually clouded over the good things and we broke off. Plus, he wants kids....and I am done having them; lol.
Anyway, just some thoughts, because in some ways your R with SCL reminds me of mine, and I see a certain inability of his to really disclose how he feels, and what he's looking for long term. He missed what you had when you guys broke off, but some of the same "voids" seem to be creeping back into the picture now that you're together again. Is he being honest with himself and with you? And I totally understand the "trust" issue of .....could he pull the same stunt again, and change his mind, and say this is not going to work.
I am reading the book Committed right now by Elizabeth Gilbert, and I would recommend it to you. It is really helping me sort through my notions of what relationships are "supposed" to look like. The truth is that SCL is not comfortable with expressing how he feels, and that is probably not going to change. The question is, is that a fundamental difference that I cannot live with? Will it destroy the relationship? While SCL is not comfortable communicating, it does not mean that he refuses to. It means that it will never come as naturally to him as it does to me. Relationships in my mind are about working with the other person and not insisting that they become like us.
ReplyDeleteSCL is going to therapy--of his volition. I find this to be a HUGE thing. He is journaling regularly. He is finding his own ways of working through this time, and as he reflects in his own way, it becomes easier for him to communicate with me. But this is a process for him as it is for me. I can see that he is working hard to overcome some of these obstacles.
The truth is that there is no such thing as certainty in relationships or really anything. They fall apart; we fall apart. Even if we agreed on our future together now, there's no reason to believe that we would stay this way forever and ever. What I do know is that we love each other, that we support each other, and that despite the difficulty, SCL is my cheerleader, my friend, and the person I want to spend my time with. For now this is a good, beautiful, difficult thing that I want to hang onto.
GAH Moving. I spent hours yesterday trying to coordinate everything for our Aug 31/ Sept 1 move. It's the busiest moving day in Boston. Everytime I move (6 times in 6 years, including college) all I think about is how much moving sucks and that I'm never doing it again (obviously false). This is first time I want to have movers because moving heavy things REALLY sucks. But movers are pricey. Really pricey. So I found some college kids who seem responsible. For some reason, I feel much better paying poor college kids than a moving company. They are less than 1/2 the price, so even if they take 1.75x as long, I still win. I'll probably even tip them a lot because I know what it's like to be poor and in college. Anyways, good luck this weekend. I'm sure SCL and others will be helping you out so maybe it won't be so bad.
ReplyDeleteI'm so very happy to have found you today, and I can totally empathize with what you're going through. I have never met anyone who actually LIKES to move, but I also feel I'm always packing or unpacking and I don't remember feeling quite settled anywhere in quite sometime.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, only you know what's right in your world. I wish you the best of luck and am sure that once the dust settles a bit, you'll make a decision you'll be happy with. And I look forward to following your journey :)