I spent my last night in DC trudging through a torrential downpour to my going away party, which was awesome, only to return to two inches of water on the floor of my bedroom closet. Thank God Carolina Man and I had already packed all my stuff up into the cars--just a few hours before the rain fell I'd had all my linens, clothes, and books packed on the floor of the closet. I took it as a final "F*** you" from DC.
But no, the water on the floor was in fact the penultimate DC middle finger. The last would be the extra hour and a half it took for us to get from DC to Richmond. There's nothing worse than desperately wanting to get somewhere and have all the traffic gods crap on you. But eventually, we got here, unpacked the cars, and passed out from exhaustion.
The last few days have been awesome and exhilarating, weird and strange, relaxed and comfortable, stressful and tense. It's been the roller-coaster of feelings and emotions that we anticipated it would be, and we've just done our best to talk through it all. As we were falling asleep last night, I asked CM, "Do you think we have more issues than most couples do?" He said, "I think we have as many issues as any other couples. The difference is that we aren't afraid to name them when they come up."
In so many ways, CM and I are still getting to know each other. We have similar issues and insecurities, but the situations that trigger them are so unique to each of us. In time, we'll learn more about those and will have a better understanding of why the other reacts a certain way. I love that we can talk openly about our hurts and pain from the past.
It's easy for me in some ways to feel like CM has always been in my life. I have nearly forgotten what it was like to spend every night alone and to have no one to snuggle up next to in the morning. I have to remind myself of how much has changed in such a short period of time. More time than I could have anticipated, it just feels normal. Being with CM feels like home.
Showing posts with label Home. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Home. Show all posts
Back to the Grind
I'm back at my own place, wishing I could still be with Carolina Man but thankful for the time we had together and that we'll see each other at the end of next week. (God bless my job flexibility.) I actually have to go on a work trip tomorrow, so I'm trying to think of it not as needing to return to DC but rather fulfilling my work obligations in the way I would have to no matter where I'm living.
I feel tired and overwhelmed by the return of the normal busyness of daily life. So often my life feels like an endless cycle of pulling dirty clothes out of a suitcase, washing them, and throwing them right back in for the next trip. They never even make it back into the closet! I kind of relate to George Clooney's character in Up in the Air, except I wouldn't go so far as to say I prefer to live on the road. It's more that I can understand the empty feeling of returning to a place that doesn't feel quite like home.
I said this in my post the other day, but I feel at home in North Carolina. And, I really felt at home with Carolina Man. He, just like his home, exudes a warmth, a sense of welcome. I never felt like I was intruding on his space because he never made me feel like I was.
Probably my favorite moments were when we went out shopping for a new king bed for his master bedroom--mattress, headboard/footboard, and bedding. We had a similar aesthetic and gravitated to the same things. Ultimately, it's his bed and I would have deferred to him if we disagreed, but we didn't. It was one of those practical things we were doing together as a couple, but it was strangely bonding. I texted my friend L, "We are shopping for furniture. I love dating a grown up!"
I love being in this honeymoon stage, knowing it won't last but soaking up every second. And I can't wait to fall asleep next to him again.
I feel tired and overwhelmed by the return of the normal busyness of daily life. So often my life feels like an endless cycle of pulling dirty clothes out of a suitcase, washing them, and throwing them right back in for the next trip. They never even make it back into the closet! I kind of relate to George Clooney's character in Up in the Air, except I wouldn't go so far as to say I prefer to live on the road. It's more that I can understand the empty feeling of returning to a place that doesn't feel quite like home.
I said this in my post the other day, but I feel at home in North Carolina. And, I really felt at home with Carolina Man. He, just like his home, exudes a warmth, a sense of welcome. I never felt like I was intruding on his space because he never made me feel like I was.
Probably my favorite moments were when we went out shopping for a new king bed for his master bedroom--mattress, headboard/footboard, and bedding. We had a similar aesthetic and gravitated to the same things. Ultimately, it's his bed and I would have deferred to him if we disagreed, but we didn't. It was one of those practical things we were doing together as a couple, but it was strangely bonding. I texted my friend L, "We are shopping for furniture. I love dating a grown up!"
I love being in this honeymoon stage, knowing it won't last but soaking up every second. And I can't wait to fall asleep next to him again.
Feels Like Home
As I crossed the North Carolina state line early yesterday morning, I instantly felt like I was home. There's something about this state that just makes my heart feel like singing. Ever since I started at Davidson College in 2001, I have felt a strong sense of belonging here. It holds so many special memories, not to mention special people, for me. I feel like I breathe more deeply here.
I felt a similar sense of peace when I was, strangely enough, in Malawi. I hadn't expected to go so far away from home only to experience a deeper sense of belonging and connection than I ever did in DC. One night our team was out eating dinner at a restaurant on the shores of Lake Malawi when I happened to look up into the night sky. I'd never seen anything so breathtaking--the stars so bright and dense. I've never looked at the sky the same way since I got back.
The moment I walked through the door when I got back to DC, I felt that sense of peace disintegrate. The influx of email and phone calls and conference calls overpowered my newly found quietness. "I've got to learn to replicate that sense of quiet," I thought. I began slowly to push out the noise--turning off my email indicator on my phone, putting the computer to sleep by 8 pm, not going to sleep with the TV on. But, I wanted more than just quiet. I wanted connection, community, family.
Being here in North Carolina with Carolina Man, in his beautiful house by the lake, I feel that sense of connection, that sense of peace I thought I'd have to travel to the other side of the world to feel again. I experience myself and the world around me differently here. It's something I think I'd like to get used to.
I felt a similar sense of peace when I was, strangely enough, in Malawi. I hadn't expected to go so far away from home only to experience a deeper sense of belonging and connection than I ever did in DC. One night our team was out eating dinner at a restaurant on the shores of Lake Malawi when I happened to look up into the night sky. I'd never seen anything so breathtaking--the stars so bright and dense. I've never looked at the sky the same way since I got back.
The moment I walked through the door when I got back to DC, I felt that sense of peace disintegrate. The influx of email and phone calls and conference calls overpowered my newly found quietness. "I've got to learn to replicate that sense of quiet," I thought. I began slowly to push out the noise--turning off my email indicator on my phone, putting the computer to sleep by 8 pm, not going to sleep with the TV on. But, I wanted more than just quiet. I wanted connection, community, family.
Being here in North Carolina with Carolina Man, in his beautiful house by the lake, I feel that sense of connection, that sense of peace I thought I'd have to travel to the other side of the world to feel again. I experience myself and the world around me differently here. It's something I think I'd like to get used to.
Hopes for the New Year
You'd think an extra day at home to spend with my mom eating Thai food and watching season 2 of Dexter would've made me smile, not cry. But knowing that eventually I'd have to leave home again and return to the desolate land of my sublet room in Arlington had me in tears. It doesn't matter if I'm there for 2 days or 2 weeks; it never feels like enough.
Don't get me wrong. My family drives me nuts when I'm there. My nephew shot me in the face with a Nerf gun. My oldest brother refused to join my mom and me in Augusta to see my other brother who was on call at the hospital on Christmas, opting instead to go to an NFL game. My mom snored all night long on Christmas, keeping me up and making me want to put a pillow over her face.
And yet, I love them more than anything. I feel like I'm missing so much when I'm in DC. And I'm finally beginning to see that as long as I'm there, it will almost always be me making the trip to see them, not the other way around. In the five and a half years of living a plane ride away from home, I've been visited four times by my mom; two times by my middle brother, and zero times by my oldest brother. It's not that they don't care. It's just...I don't know. I'm the only one far away. Being a plane ride away takes out all the spontaneity of traveling, at least for those of us on a budget. It'd be so much easier if we all could just jump in the car and be together for a random weekend.
Now I'm back thinking that I do want to move, maybe not right away but eventually. My uncle in Chapel Hill is building a new house and his paid-for condo probably won't do well on the market, given the housing situation nationwide. He said, mostly in jest, "It would make my life a lot easier if you'd move to North Carolina." But, it got me thinking about what life would be like there. All of my emotions aside, next to DC the Research Triangle is probably the best place for me work-wise. I was contacted by someone there a few weeks ago who works on population issues. She'd be a great contact. And, I even met a man from there a few weeks ago that I instantly clicked with. I told him I was thinking of moving and he said, "I'd be your friend!"
I'm not into New Year's resolution (although I do plan to join a new gym when I get back to DC, only because my current one smells like a diaper.) But I do have hopes for this year--that it would be a time when something clicks. That I'd get that opportunity, meet that person, realize that one thing that will make the foreseeable future a little less daunting. That I'd realize where I'm supposed to be--DC, NC, or somewhere else--and feel at peace about it. I'm open to all of the possibilities before me.
Don't get me wrong. My family drives me nuts when I'm there. My nephew shot me in the face with a Nerf gun. My oldest brother refused to join my mom and me in Augusta to see my other brother who was on call at the hospital on Christmas, opting instead to go to an NFL game. My mom snored all night long on Christmas, keeping me up and making me want to put a pillow over her face.
And yet, I love them more than anything. I feel like I'm missing so much when I'm in DC. And I'm finally beginning to see that as long as I'm there, it will almost always be me making the trip to see them, not the other way around. In the five and a half years of living a plane ride away from home, I've been visited four times by my mom; two times by my middle brother, and zero times by my oldest brother. It's not that they don't care. It's just...I don't know. I'm the only one far away. Being a plane ride away takes out all the spontaneity of traveling, at least for those of us on a budget. It'd be so much easier if we all could just jump in the car and be together for a random weekend.
Now I'm back thinking that I do want to move, maybe not right away but eventually. My uncle in Chapel Hill is building a new house and his paid-for condo probably won't do well on the market, given the housing situation nationwide. He said, mostly in jest, "It would make my life a lot easier if you'd move to North Carolina." But, it got me thinking about what life would be like there. All of my emotions aside, next to DC the Research Triangle is probably the best place for me work-wise. I was contacted by someone there a few weeks ago who works on population issues. She'd be a great contact. And, I even met a man from there a few weeks ago that I instantly clicked with. I told him I was thinking of moving and he said, "I'd be your friend!"
I'm not into New Year's resolution (although I do plan to join a new gym when I get back to DC, only because my current one smells like a diaper.) But I do have hopes for this year--that it would be a time when something clicks. That I'd get that opportunity, meet that person, realize that one thing that will make the foreseeable future a little less daunting. That I'd realize where I'm supposed to be--DC, NC, or somewhere else--and feel at peace about it. I'm open to all of the possibilities before me.
Hibernation, Anyone?
I didn't go to church this morning. I meant to. I was up hours before the 11:00 service down the street from me was beginning. I even interrupted my viewing of Devil Wears Prada to piece together what could be, in a sense, construed as an outfit. A disastrous outfit--sort of too big black pants, faded black Gap tee, overly dressy cardigan (trying to make up for the rest of the outfit), and snuggly, slipper-esque ankle boots. Not to mention no shower and no make-up. I checked myself out in the mirror, realized what I had on was essentially a modification of pajamas, and put my flannels back on. (
They are pretty damn cute pajamas
.)
At a very base level, I did't want to leave my room, much less step outside into the cold. Really I admire anyone who voluntarily leaves their house now that it's become frigid. One of the downsides of going home for Thanksgiving was being spoiled by 70+ degree temps only to return to DC to find that the son-of-a-bitch winter has arrived. The dark cold has taken a toll on the city, it seems. I was at a Chanukah party last night, and it was as if everyone had popped an Ambien along with their cocktail. By the time I left, at the reasonable hour of 11:00, the host was nearly passed out on her couch, not from too much gelt or wine or sweet potato latkes, but from sheer exhaustion.
I say we all go into hibernation, an idea I've been pushing this idea since my first horrid winter in Connecticut in 2005. I can see how it might take awhile for this trend to catch on, but hear me out. You are forced to pack on extra weight for survival (why yes, I do require another slice of peppermint chocolate cheesecake;); take a long, deep sleep through the winter months; wake up in the spring with your pre-hibernation figure, and then indulge in some spring fever-induced romance. I think it's the perfect plan. Who's with me?
P.S. Be sure to enter my giveaway! Winner announced this coming Friday. :-)
They are pretty damn cute pajamas.) |
| My winter uniform |
I say we all go into hibernation, an idea I've been pushing this idea since my first horrid winter in Connecticut in 2005. I can see how it might take awhile for this trend to catch on, but hear me out. You are forced to pack on extra weight for survival (why yes, I do require another slice of peppermint chocolate cheesecake;); take a long, deep sleep through the winter months; wake up in the spring with your pre-hibernation figure, and then indulge in some spring fever-induced romance. I think it's the perfect plan. Who's with me?
P.S. Be sure to enter my giveaway! Winner announced this coming Friday. :-)
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