Exactly three months after our wedding, MT and I got to celebrate the marriage of my brother and his new wife, and it was absolutely impossible not to compare the two. While we planned for 13 months, they planned it all in 6. We had 50 guests; they had double that. But probably the biggest difference was in their level of enjoyment, especially my brother. He was totally stressed and anxious the entire weekend with few exceptions! If I had to give him some advice, this is what I'd say.
How to have a low-stress wedding
1. Give yourself more time to plan if you can wait. That way you're making fewer big decisions at a time.
2. Hire a coordinator if you can afford to. If you aren't naturally organized, hire someone to be organized for you.
3. Put time and energy into your wedding service. Don't wait until the week of the wedding to find out that it's stuffy and impersonal because by then it's too late to change it.
4. Communicate with people before the wedding weekend about when they need to be where. Finding out about family pictures through hearsay isn't the best way to get everyone together and organized.
5. Have an actual count of your guests so you're not surprised when you have more people than you have seats.
6. When it doesn't go according to plan, just take deep breaths and realize you're married and that was the whole point of having a wedding in the first place!
Showing posts with label Wedding Planning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wedding Planning. Show all posts
Reflections on Wedding Planning (Part Three): It's Not About the Gifts
Did y'all see that crazy post on Jezebel about the couple who decided to confront one of their guests about how they thought his gift was crappy because it included Marshmallow fluff?
I highly recommend you read it because you will be A) horrified and B) amused. If you don't have the time, I'll say that this line from one of the brides sums it all up: "Weddings are to make money for your future."
I will go ahead and let that one sink in for all of you. Ready to move on? Good. Weddings, as it turns out, are not actually about making money for your future. And if that's what you're expecting from your family, friends, and other guests, you will be grossly disappointed.
As it turns out, people have all kinds of ideas about what it means to be invited to a wedding and how they should act. If you are a person who thinks, "But that's just what you do when you're a wedding guest!," you will be shocked at how others don't demonstrate the behavior that you expect. I don't really think there's a way to avoid this, but I will just say that my lesson learned is that the people you don't expect to be gracious will often go above and beyond, and those who should be won't always do what you think is appropriate.
If I measured the quality of my friendships based on how my friends went about the whole wedding gift thing, I would think that some of them suck big time. And there were moments when I felt really angry that folks hadn't even thought to give us a card. I mean, a card? It's not that much effort. (Again with the "that's just WHAT YOU DO!" that came to haunt me over and over.)
Probably the hardest to deal with were the guests whose weddings I attended recently and had written nice checks for, and they didn't give us anything in return. Granted, folks have a year to give a wedding gift, so perhaps they'll surprise me. But I'm not holding my breath! And in some ways it was even worse to not get a gift from couples who have weddings coming up--because now what do we do in response? Do the right thing or the commensurate thing? It's tough to know what won't leave me feeling resentful or feeling petty.
Here's the thing. Weddings are about having a community of love and support witness your special day. Not everyone will be on their best behavior. Not everyone will be generous. But enough of them will that you'll know you're loved, and even if they don't, you still married the person you love most. And that was kind of the point anyway.
Also, it should go without saying, but just in case: you should probably plan a wedding that you can afford, so if the money doesn't come rolling in, you aren't starting your marriage in the red.
I personally think Marshmallow Fluff is delightful.
I highly recommend you read it because you will be A) horrified and B) amused. If you don't have the time, I'll say that this line from one of the brides sums it all up: "Weddings are to make money for your future."
I will go ahead and let that one sink in for all of you. Ready to move on? Good. Weddings, as it turns out, are not actually about making money for your future. And if that's what you're expecting from your family, friends, and other guests, you will be grossly disappointed.
As it turns out, people have all kinds of ideas about what it means to be invited to a wedding and how they should act. If you are a person who thinks, "But that's just what you do when you're a wedding guest!," you will be shocked at how others don't demonstrate the behavior that you expect. I don't really think there's a way to avoid this, but I will just say that my lesson learned is that the people you don't expect to be gracious will often go above and beyond, and those who should be won't always do what you think is appropriate.
If I measured the quality of my friendships based on how my friends went about the whole wedding gift thing, I would think that some of them suck big time. And there were moments when I felt really angry that folks hadn't even thought to give us a card. I mean, a card? It's not that much effort. (Again with the "that's just WHAT YOU DO!" that came to haunt me over and over.)
Probably the hardest to deal with were the guests whose weddings I attended recently and had written nice checks for, and they didn't give us anything in return. Granted, folks have a year to give a wedding gift, so perhaps they'll surprise me. But I'm not holding my breath! And in some ways it was even worse to not get a gift from couples who have weddings coming up--because now what do we do in response? Do the right thing or the commensurate thing? It's tough to know what won't leave me feeling resentful or feeling petty.
Here's the thing. Weddings are about having a community of love and support witness your special day. Not everyone will be on their best behavior. Not everyone will be generous. But enough of them will that you'll know you're loved, and even if they don't, you still married the person you love most. And that was kind of the point anyway.
Also, it should go without saying, but just in case: you should probably plan a wedding that you can afford, so if the money doesn't come rolling in, you aren't starting your marriage in the red.
I personally think Marshmallow Fluff is delightful.
Reflections on Wedding Planning (Part Two): Dealing with Family Expectations
Feel free to read my previous post where I talk about keeping sane during the planning process.
Oh, family. Don't we just love to hate them? Kidding, kidding (kind of). I have yet to meet a person whose family doesn't annoy them, and I've yet to encounter an engaged person whose family wasn't causing them to go bat-shit crazy during the process of wedding planning. Here's the reality: as much as your wedding is about the two of you getting married and everyone (hopefully) on an intellectual level knows this to be true, your family probably on some level believes that your wedding is in fact all about them.
This can take all different forms. At best, it means that your family wants to support you financially/emotionally/physically* and they offer to help out with whatever they can, even if it doesn't come in the form you want.** At worst, it means that they want to dictate exactly how your day will go, down to what kind of aisle-runner you will walk in on so as not to ruin your dress.***
As much as this causes your head to spin around all Exorcist-style, it's important that you not let this emotion take over for too long. The reality is that you still have the power. You can decide if, when, and how you are going to compromise. An important note: if someone is generously paying for an aspect of your wedding, I personally think it's rude not to allow their voices to be heard in that area of decision-making. I don't mean offer them carte blanche but be reasonable. If you don't want them to have a say, don't take the money! If you're worried about it, leave the things that matter least to you for others to chip in on. (At some point I'll tell you all about our rehearsal dinner...)
To me, this is why it is so important that at the beginning of your wedding planning process, you and your partner sit down and figure out exactly what kind of wedding you want, not down to the exact detail but the general experience you want to have. Meg Keene of A Practical Wedding suggests picking out adjectives that describe the feel that you want. Some of ours were intimate, classic, elegant, modern, and fun. Then think about how that translates to elements of the wedding--how big or small, what kind of service to have, what kind of music, what kind of food and drink, what time of day.
Once you have decided on a wedding feeling, don't stray from it. Don't second guess it. Don't let others suck you into their wedding industrial complex bullshit. This is especially important if you have particularly opinionated family members or friends who are aghast that you aren't going to do a garter toss or have a receiving line. If you and your partner have already agreed on your vision, you're going to feel more resolute and decided about it, and that way you probably won''t be as defensive when someone questions why you're doing things a certain way. You'll feel confident.
Example: I really, really wanted to walk down the aisle by myself. My father hasn't been part of my life in years, and I didn't want my mom to do it. I just didn't. I figured, I'm almost 30! I am a grown-ass woman! I can walk down the aisle by myself, thankyouverymuch! But, I knew that my mom would be a little disappointed. When she came to visit a few months before the wedding, I brought it up with her and explained why I wanted to do it solo. She listened, and while I know it hurt her feelings a bit, she agreed that it was important for me to do what felt right. And on the wedding day, it wasn't a big deal at all. I was happy with my decision to walk in alone, meeting my future hubs midway, and my mom got the best seat in the house to watch me and my love walk in holding hands.
Borrowing again from A Practical Wedding, remember this truth: the whole goal of a wedding is to get married. If you accomplish this, you have succeeded. The rest is literally just details.****
*Never underestimate the power of a burly man or woman carrying your chuppah/centerpieces/tables/pinterest-y decor so you can have the wedding of your dreams.
**I'm talking dolla dolla bill, y'all. Newsflash: most weddings are a ripoff.
***True story. It never occurred to my friend's mom that she might not (gasp!) even have an aisle-runner at all.
**** I would like to point out that I am actually using literally in an appropriate manner. Imagine that!
Oh, family. Don't we just love to hate them? Kidding, kidding (kind of). I have yet to meet a person whose family doesn't annoy them, and I've yet to encounter an engaged person whose family wasn't causing them to go bat-shit crazy during the process of wedding planning. Here's the reality: as much as your wedding is about the two of you getting married and everyone (hopefully) on an intellectual level knows this to be true, your family probably on some level believes that your wedding is in fact all about them.
This can take all different forms. At best, it means that your family wants to support you financially/emotionally/physically* and they offer to help out with whatever they can, even if it doesn't come in the form you want.** At worst, it means that they want to dictate exactly how your day will go, down to what kind of aisle-runner you will walk in on so as not to ruin your dress.***
As much as this causes your head to spin around all Exorcist-style, it's important that you not let this emotion take over for too long. The reality is that you still have the power. You can decide if, when, and how you are going to compromise. An important note: if someone is generously paying for an aspect of your wedding, I personally think it's rude not to allow their voices to be heard in that area of decision-making. I don't mean offer them carte blanche but be reasonable. If you don't want them to have a say, don't take the money! If you're worried about it, leave the things that matter least to you for others to chip in on. (At some point I'll tell you all about our rehearsal dinner...)
To me, this is why it is so important that at the beginning of your wedding planning process, you and your partner sit down and figure out exactly what kind of wedding you want, not down to the exact detail but the general experience you want to have. Meg Keene of A Practical Wedding suggests picking out adjectives that describe the feel that you want. Some of ours were intimate, classic, elegant, modern, and fun. Then think about how that translates to elements of the wedding--how big or small, what kind of service to have, what kind of music, what kind of food and drink, what time of day.
Once you have decided on a wedding feeling, don't stray from it. Don't second guess it. Don't let others suck you into their wedding industrial complex bullshit. This is especially important if you have particularly opinionated family members or friends who are aghast that you aren't going to do a garter toss or have a receiving line. If you and your partner have already agreed on your vision, you're going to feel more resolute and decided about it, and that way you probably won''t be as defensive when someone questions why you're doing things a certain way. You'll feel confident.
Example: I really, really wanted to walk down the aisle by myself. My father hasn't been part of my life in years, and I didn't want my mom to do it. I just didn't. I figured, I'm almost 30! I am a grown-ass woman! I can walk down the aisle by myself, thankyouverymuch! But, I knew that my mom would be a little disappointed. When she came to visit a few months before the wedding, I brought it up with her and explained why I wanted to do it solo. She listened, and while I know it hurt her feelings a bit, she agreed that it was important for me to do what felt right. And on the wedding day, it wasn't a big deal at all. I was happy with my decision to walk in alone, meeting my future hubs midway, and my mom got the best seat in the house to watch me and my love walk in holding hands.
Borrowing again from A Practical Wedding, remember this truth: the whole goal of a wedding is to get married. If you accomplish this, you have succeeded. The rest is literally just details.****
*Never underestimate the power of a burly man or woman carrying your chuppah/centerpieces/tables/pinterest-y decor so you can have the wedding of your dreams.
**I'm talking dolla dolla bill, y'all. Newsflash: most weddings are a ripoff.
***True story. It never occurred to my friend's mom that she might not (gasp!) even have an aisle-runner at all.
**** I would like to point out that I am actually using literally in an appropriate manner. Imagine that!
Reflections on Wedding Planning (Part One)
One thing I learned very quickly after MT and I got engaged in January of last year was that "wedding planning" when you aren't planning your actual wedding but rather fantasizing about one in your head is absolutely nothing like the real thing. How many of you have--or have friends who have--a Pinterest wedding board (or several) but aren't looking for a serious relationship/engaged/planning a wedding? I did too! And it was loads of fun. But honestly once MT and I were engaged, I never looked at the thing again.
I can honestly say that for 99% of the time that we were planning, both MT and I maintained our sanity and even enjoyed ourselves. There are a few key reasons why.
1. We sat down and created a budget before we decided on anything else. We looked at our savings, our monthly incomes, and decided what we could afford to save each month to pay for the wedding. We guessed what each element of the wedding would cost and then added an extra 10% for unexpected costs. And then we stuck to the budget.
2. We decided what was most important to us and focused on those aspects a majority of the time. For us, those elements were writing an intimate, personal ceremony, making sure we had excellent food and wine, creating a fun party atmosphere, and building a sense of community amongst our guests. The flowers? Not so important to us. The cake? Not so important either. Did we have beautiful flowers and cake? Yes, but we let the professionals do their jobs and we didn't try to micromanage the process.
3. We took our family's input in stride and we remained a unit. Both of our moms at various times pissed us off or rubbed us the wrong way over some detail of the wedding. My mom, for instance, insisted that MT and his groomsman wear identical khaki tuxedos, to which we said, "OH HELL NO." MT's mother, on the other hand, insisted that the Embassy Suites across from our venue--a five-star hotel--was a much better options for guests because--get this--it has an indoor pool. I should also mention that we offered up our house to her for the wedding weekend to save on costs. But, even when those little inevitable moments of differing opinions came up, we stayed a unit, laughed at our moms, and never made it a conflict between the two of us.
4. More for me than for MT: I did not read wedding porn, aka wedding blogs, wedding magazines, etc. We would occasionally watch Four Weddings from time to time for ideas, but all of the rest of the TLC wedding franchise was swiftly deleted from the DVR. I didn't want to second guess every decision we'd made. The one exception re: wedding blogs was that I devoured A Practical Wedding because it affirmed that we could plan a wedding and maintain our sanity. And they are right!
5. We took what we wanted from traditions and said to hell with the rest. I walked myself down the aisle. We didn't do a bouquet toss or garter toss. MT and I spent the night before the wedding together and had a lovely wedding morning eating breakfast in bed and enjoying each other's company. You have to do what feels right to you, even if other people don't understand. If you are out to please everyone, you will please no one, especially yourselves. Sure, you want your guests to be comfortable and enjoy themselves, but that doesn't mean you must give into their every whim and expectation. Just make sure the booze is a'flowin' and people will quickly forget that you didn't read that awful passage from 1 Corinthians or take your new husband's name.
I have a feeling I'm going to have a lot to say on this topic. Stay tuned!
I can honestly say that for 99% of the time that we were planning, both MT and I maintained our sanity and even enjoyed ourselves. There are a few key reasons why.
1. We sat down and created a budget before we decided on anything else. We looked at our savings, our monthly incomes, and decided what we could afford to save each month to pay for the wedding. We guessed what each element of the wedding would cost and then added an extra 10% for unexpected costs. And then we stuck to the budget.
2. We decided what was most important to us and focused on those aspects a majority of the time. For us, those elements were writing an intimate, personal ceremony, making sure we had excellent food and wine, creating a fun party atmosphere, and building a sense of community amongst our guests. The flowers? Not so important to us. The cake? Not so important either. Did we have beautiful flowers and cake? Yes, but we let the professionals do their jobs and we didn't try to micromanage the process.
3. We took our family's input in stride and we remained a unit. Both of our moms at various times pissed us off or rubbed us the wrong way over some detail of the wedding. My mom, for instance, insisted that MT and his groomsman wear identical khaki tuxedos, to which we said, "OH HELL NO." MT's mother, on the other hand, insisted that the Embassy Suites across from our venue--a five-star hotel--was a much better options for guests because--get this--it has an indoor pool. I should also mention that we offered up our house to her for the wedding weekend to save on costs. But, even when those little inevitable moments of differing opinions came up, we stayed a unit, laughed at our moms, and never made it a conflict between the two of us.
4. More for me than for MT: I did not read wedding porn, aka wedding blogs, wedding magazines, etc. We would occasionally watch Four Weddings from time to time for ideas, but all of the rest of the TLC wedding franchise was swiftly deleted from the DVR. I didn't want to second guess every decision we'd made. The one exception re: wedding blogs was that I devoured A Practical Wedding because it affirmed that we could plan a wedding and maintain our sanity. And they are right!
5. We took what we wanted from traditions and said to hell with the rest. I walked myself down the aisle. We didn't do a bouquet toss or garter toss. MT and I spent the night before the wedding together and had a lovely wedding morning eating breakfast in bed and enjoying each other's company. You have to do what feels right to you, even if other people don't understand. If you are out to please everyone, you will please no one, especially yourselves. Sure, you want your guests to be comfortable and enjoy themselves, but that doesn't mean you must give into their every whim and expectation. Just make sure the booze is a'flowin' and people will quickly forget that you didn't read that awful passage from 1 Corinthians or take your new husband's name.
I have a feeling I'm going to have a lot to say on this topic. Stay tuned!
WeddOMG: The Shoes
Maybe my mom felt a little deprived because we only went to one bridal salon to try on dresses, but within thirty seconds of driving away from that appointment, she was already talking about what shoes I was going to wear. The next day she dragged me around from store to store, looking for something that would work. I really had to indulge her on this one. The reality of the gown purchase hadn't even sunk in yet. Couldn't we just enjoy it and celebrate our success? We were being so efficient up until that point, and now here we were, on a Saturday at the mall, attempting to find bridal shoes.
I don't know about where you live, but here in the Triangle area, department stores just don't carry many bridal-appropriate shoes. I get that lots of brides are opting to do the bright pop of color on their feet, but I am trying to avoid the obvious trends like that. Plus, our color palette doesn't really lend itself to footwear. I just want a white--or maybe silver--shoe that isn't too high or uncomfortable.
My shoes are hardly going to be visible, so they just need to be the right height and not clash with my gown for the occasional peek at my feet when I'm out twirling on the dance floor. Oh yeah, and they have to feel good. Like, better than any of the formal shoes I have ever worn in my entire life. Let's be real: most formal shoes hurt like a bitch. How many proms did you spend barefoot?*
So, I've been consulting the online bride forums, and over and over again, I've seen women recommend Jimmy Choos for their comfort. The price tag for a pair of pumps is more than shocking, but for something that is going to feel and look fabulous? I think it might be worth it.
While perusing the Jimmy Choo website, I saw that there's a whole bridal boutique! My current obsession is this sparkly pair.
What do you think? And a larger question: bridal shoes--splurge or save?
*My answer: four.
I don't know about where you live, but here in the Triangle area, department stores just don't carry many bridal-appropriate shoes. I get that lots of brides are opting to do the bright pop of color on their feet, but I am trying to avoid the obvious trends like that. Plus, our color palette doesn't really lend itself to footwear. I just want a white--or maybe silver--shoe that isn't too high or uncomfortable.
My shoes are hardly going to be visible, so they just need to be the right height and not clash with my gown for the occasional peek at my feet when I'm out twirling on the dance floor. Oh yeah, and they have to feel good. Like, better than any of the formal shoes I have ever worn in my entire life. Let's be real: most formal shoes hurt like a bitch. How many proms did you spend barefoot?*
So, I've been consulting the online bride forums, and over and over again, I've seen women recommend Jimmy Choos for their comfort. The price tag for a pair of pumps is more than shocking, but for something that is going to feel and look fabulous? I think it might be worth it.
While perusing the Jimmy Choo website, I saw that there's a whole bridal boutique! My current obsession is this sparkly pair.
What do you think? And a larger question: bridal shoes--splurge or save?
*My answer: four.
I Said Yes to the Dress!
No one was more excited about shopping for a wedding dress than my mom. She works for an accountant, so for the first few months of wedding planning leading up to Tax Day, I was spared from the daily deluge of emails with links to gowns my mom just had to see me try. Once she was done with tax returns, she was in full dress shopping mode and made plans to come to Carolina asap.
Wanting to make the most of our weekend together, I booked five appointments for us between Friday and Tuesday. My friends told me I was beyond nuts, but part of me knew we wouldn't end up going to all five appointments, especially when we started at the creme de la creme of bridal shops in the Triangle--Alexia's Bridal.
Mom and I showed up a few minutes before our appointment. I was a bundle of nerves and excited energy. With all of the craziness of work, I seriously had not given much thought to wedding gowns, and despite my addictions to wedding shows, I wasn't prepared for the emotional element of the appointment. Once we met our consultant, I felt much more at ease. She was attentive, sweet, and seemed to get the feel of the dress I wanted. A few minutes of questions later, and off she went in her platform heels to pull some gowns for me.
I stripped down, got into the bustier she got for me, and stepped carefully into the first gown--a beautiful A-line lace number with cap sleeves and an open back. It was beautiful, and I loved how I looked in it. There's something to be said of that first gown you try on, especially when you add the veil. But, the most I felt about it was that it was a gorgeous gown.
And I felt that way about the next six dresses I tried. I absolutely loved each one; they were beautiful and flattering, except for a very couture Vera Wang gown that resembled a Q-tip. Mom and I were out on the floor to look at one of them in the light when we spotted a lace Monique Lhuillier gown with a sweetheart neckline. I had to try it.
As I slipped into the gown and the consultant zipped up the back, I felt this surge of emotion building up. As I walked out to the mirror where my mom was sitting, my voice got shaky and I got teary. "This is how I want to look on my wedding day," I said through the tears. It was elegant and intricate, yet simple and classic. I couldn't have told you what it was about the gown that made me feel that way, but it all just came together and made me feel like a bride. Like I was actually going to wear this gown to marry the love of my life.
I don't know. It sounds silly, but just like meeting the right partner, you know when you know. And I knew. But I didn't know if my mom knew. She said it was beautiful, but she wasn't reacting any more than she had to any other dress. This kind of made my heart sink. I decided to try on some totally different gowns, just to make sure I knew what I wanted. They were pretty, but they paled in comparison.
Finally, I slipped back into my favorite gown, and that was it. I never wanted to take it off. And once my mom knew that it was the one for me, she let her guard down and the waterworks started. She later told me that she didn't want to influence my decision and tried to be as neutral as possible. I appreciated that, but deep down I wanted my mom to love it, too. Once I knew she did, I was sold.
Buying that gown has made the wedding so much more tangible. I can picture myself getting married now. And as sad as I am to wait nearly a year before I get to wear it, I am so excited. This whole process has been so easy thus far. It's meant to be.
Wanting to make the most of our weekend together, I booked five appointments for us between Friday and Tuesday. My friends told me I was beyond nuts, but part of me knew we wouldn't end up going to all five appointments, especially when we started at the creme de la creme of bridal shops in the Triangle--Alexia's Bridal.
Mom and I showed up a few minutes before our appointment. I was a bundle of nerves and excited energy. With all of the craziness of work, I seriously had not given much thought to wedding gowns, and despite my addictions to wedding shows, I wasn't prepared for the emotional element of the appointment. Once we met our consultant, I felt much more at ease. She was attentive, sweet, and seemed to get the feel of the dress I wanted. A few minutes of questions later, and off she went in her platform heels to pull some gowns for me.
I stripped down, got into the bustier she got for me, and stepped carefully into the first gown--a beautiful A-line lace number with cap sleeves and an open back. It was beautiful, and I loved how I looked in it. There's something to be said of that first gown you try on, especially when you add the veil. But, the most I felt about it was that it was a gorgeous gown.
And I felt that way about the next six dresses I tried. I absolutely loved each one; they were beautiful and flattering, except for a very couture Vera Wang gown that resembled a Q-tip. Mom and I were out on the floor to look at one of them in the light when we spotted a lace Monique Lhuillier gown with a sweetheart neckline. I had to try it.
As I slipped into the gown and the consultant zipped up the back, I felt this surge of emotion building up. As I walked out to the mirror where my mom was sitting, my voice got shaky and I got teary. "This is how I want to look on my wedding day," I said through the tears. It was elegant and intricate, yet simple and classic. I couldn't have told you what it was about the gown that made me feel that way, but it all just came together and made me feel like a bride. Like I was actually going to wear this gown to marry the love of my life.
I don't know. It sounds silly, but just like meeting the right partner, you know when you know. And I knew. But I didn't know if my mom knew. She said it was beautiful, but she wasn't reacting any more than she had to any other dress. This kind of made my heart sink. I decided to try on some totally different gowns, just to make sure I knew what I wanted. They were pretty, but they paled in comparison.
Finally, I slipped back into my favorite gown, and that was it. I never wanted to take it off. And once my mom knew that it was the one for me, she let her guard down and the waterworks started. She later told me that she didn't want to influence my decision and tried to be as neutral as possible. I appreciated that, but deep down I wanted my mom to love it, too. Once I knew she did, I was sold.
Buying that gown has made the wedding so much more tangible. I can picture myself getting married now. And as sad as I am to wait nearly a year before I get to wear it, I am so excited. This whole process has been so easy thus far. It's meant to be.
Bridal Gown Bonanza
My life was overtaken by The United Methodist Church General Conference, which was essentially a giant clusterf@$#. I don't think anyone left there feeling good about much of anything. Yay, bureaucracy.
But, now that that's over I can concentrate on other things. Like bridal gowns. Mom is heading here on Friday, and I've scheduled four appointments, all evenly spaced, to get my gown shoppin' on. I think this will really make the reality of getting married a bit more real in my mind. I remember going with my friend L to to get her dress, and how it all suddenly clicked. She was a bride! I'm looking forward to having a moment like that.
I can't say I'm overly nervous about it. Finding formal gowns has always been a treat, maybe because I'm 5'9" and the formal wear industry is biased to favor us gigantors. I'm going into it with an open mind about what I'll end up with. Strapless, with straps. Lace, silk, satin. I'm open to them all. The only thing I don't think I could go for is SUPER POOFY DRESS. One of the salons scared me a bit by advertising that they have an entire line inspired by Disney princesses. This could go poorly.
So, a question to my fellow brides-to-be/past brides/people who have gone wedding dress shopping: how many stores did you go to? How many dresses did you try on? And did you have an "OMG this is it" moment where you knew you didn't need to try on anymore?
But, now that that's over I can concentrate on other things. Like bridal gowns. Mom is heading here on Friday, and I've scheduled four appointments, all evenly spaced, to get my gown shoppin' on. I think this will really make the reality of getting married a bit more real in my mind. I remember going with my friend L to to get her dress, and how it all suddenly clicked. She was a bride! I'm looking forward to having a moment like that.
I can't say I'm overly nervous about it. Finding formal gowns has always been a treat, maybe because I'm 5'9" and the formal wear industry is biased to favor us gigantors. I'm going into it with an open mind about what I'll end up with. Strapless, with straps. Lace, silk, satin. I'm open to them all. The only thing I don't think I could go for is SUPER POOFY DRESS. One of the salons scared me a bit by advertising that they have an entire line inspired by Disney princesses. This could go poorly.
So, a question to my fellow brides-to-be/past brides/people who have gone wedding dress shopping: how many stores did you go to? How many dresses did you try on? And did you have an "OMG this is it" moment where you knew you didn't need to try on anymore?
WeddOMG: The Unnecessary Criticism
"I think you're putting on an ostentatious display," my uncle said, as I poured him another glass of wine. We had invited him and my sort-of-aunt over for a Saturday dinner. He was asking about wedding planning (i.e. interrogating me unfairly about how much our wedding was costing), and that was his response. I wanted to slap him. He--the man who drove a Porsche for years (and eventually traded it in for a BMW to be more practical), who flies first-class to Barbados with his live-in ex-wife for weeks at a time several times a year, who lives in a house more than triple the space and bedrooms he needs--was calling something that hasn't even materialized ostentatious, a word dripping in judgement and condescension.
I felt scarily defensive. First of all, our wedding will be far from ostentatious. How could a wedding with 50 people, locally-grown flowers, and, very possibly, a pizza bar (albeit probably gourmet) be over the top and showy? All along we've said we want fun, intimate, classy. But never showy.
But, here's the thing: even if it were, it's none of his goddamn business. Or anyone else's for that matter. Carolina Man and I are footing the bill ourselves, so we get to decide if we want to spend under $1K on local flowers instead of tropical ones (we are) or $10K for a kick-ass venue (we are) or host our rehearsal dinner at home for practically nothing (we are) or whatever we want with the budget we set. These are our decisions to make.
For people pleasers like the both of us, though, that's easier said than done. It's tough to stand in the face of criticism concerning important life decisions and not want to strike back, not defend the decision as if doing so would change the other person's view.
When it comes to weddings, I think we've all been socialized to think that everyone will magically be a better version of their selves for the benefit of the bride and groom. Oh, wouldn't it be nice if this were the case? But so far I can already tell you that it isn't true. My mom will still be opinionated (but helpful!). My uncle is still judgmental. And I still care what everyone thinks.
That last thing is the only part I have any control over: choosing to let what others say determine how I feel about a situation. Moving forward, my goal is to take such comments with a grain of salt and consider the source. My uncle? Lives with his ex-wife. Who refuses to marry him again. Not exactly an ideal go-to source for how to do things in the romantic arena. But in the end, he's family. And you'll bet he'll be enjoying his gourmet slice of pizza as much as the rest of 'em (even though he'll probably never admit it.)
I felt scarily defensive. First of all, our wedding will be far from ostentatious. How could a wedding with 50 people, locally-grown flowers, and, very possibly, a pizza bar (albeit probably gourmet) be over the top and showy? All along we've said we want fun, intimate, classy. But never showy.
But, here's the thing: even if it were, it's none of his goddamn business. Or anyone else's for that matter. Carolina Man and I are footing the bill ourselves, so we get to decide if we want to spend under $1K on local flowers instead of tropical ones (we are) or $10K for a kick-ass venue (we are) or host our rehearsal dinner at home for practically nothing (we are) or whatever we want with the budget we set. These are our decisions to make.
For people pleasers like the both of us, though, that's easier said than done. It's tough to stand in the face of criticism concerning important life decisions and not want to strike back, not defend the decision as if doing so would change the other person's view.
When it comes to weddings, I think we've all been socialized to think that everyone will magically be a better version of their selves for the benefit of the bride and groom. Oh, wouldn't it be nice if this were the case? But so far I can already tell you that it isn't true. My mom will still be opinionated (but helpful!). My uncle is still judgmental. And I still care what everyone thinks.
That last thing is the only part I have any control over: choosing to let what others say determine how I feel about a situation. Moving forward, my goal is to take such comments with a grain of salt and consider the source. My uncle? Lives with his ex-wife. Who refuses to marry him again. Not exactly an ideal go-to source for how to do things in the romantic arena. But in the end, he's family. And you'll bet he'll be enjoying his gourmet slice of pizza as much as the rest of 'em (even though he'll probably never admit it.)
WeddingOMG: Living in a Bride-Centric World
When I was single, I gave up watching wedding shows in order to maintain my sanity. But, since getting engaged, I've gradually taken more interest DVRed every wedding show on TLC and WE and consumed most of them. Last week I was home with a cold and watched about eight episodes in a row of David's Tutera's My Fair Wedding.
For those of you unfamiliar with the show (and I applaud you), David Tutera is the wedding planning knight in shining armor who comes in to rescue a wedding that's inevitably going to be a train wreck. At least that's how it's staged. Then he works his magic and creates a kick-ass day for the bride...but the groom? Not as much. Other than an initial handshake and the rote line of "whatever makes her happy," the groom isn't involved at all with the wedding planning. He isn't even asked if he's interested in giving input. It's just assumed the bride is the one calling the shots, because she's the only really invested in the day.
This is really problematic for me. And I'm finding it's much more ubiquitous than just on tv wedding shows.
Why is it assumed that the bride is only one who cares about the details of the day?
I'll give you an example of how I've encountered this. Carolina Man and I have been splitting up wedding planning tasks haphazardly--I'll call a DJ; he'll contact a photographer, etc. So far, the florist and the photographer we've chosen are ones I contacted. On every exchange we have, I include CM on the email chain, but each and every time, they only respond to me. And on one contract, only my name is listed.
This may be customary, but that doesn't make it good. Planning a wedding is a huge undertaking, and so far I've found it to be helpful in working through conflict, differences of opinion, and varying priorities. Sure, it'd be easier if on any given decision, one person backed out and let the other decide. But, what kind of precedent does that set for the future?
Carolina Man and I are in this together, and that means in all of the little things of life. Leaving each other out of our thinking and decisions is no way to build trust and partnership. So, wedding people, I ask you, please include the grooms. It's their day, too.
For those of you unfamiliar with the show (and I applaud you), David Tutera is the wedding planning knight in shining armor who comes in to rescue a wedding that's inevitably going to be a train wreck. At least that's how it's staged. Then he works his magic and creates a kick-ass day for the bride...but the groom? Not as much. Other than an initial handshake and the rote line of "whatever makes her happy," the groom isn't involved at all with the wedding planning. He isn't even asked if he's interested in giving input. It's just assumed the bride is the one calling the shots, because she's the only really invested in the day.
This is really problematic for me. And I'm finding it's much more ubiquitous than just on tv wedding shows.
Why is it assumed that the bride is only one who cares about the details of the day?
I'll give you an example of how I've encountered this. Carolina Man and I have been splitting up wedding planning tasks haphazardly--I'll call a DJ; he'll contact a photographer, etc. So far, the florist and the photographer we've chosen are ones I contacted. On every exchange we have, I include CM on the email chain, but each and every time, they only respond to me. And on one contract, only my name is listed.
This may be customary, but that doesn't make it good. Planning a wedding is a huge undertaking, and so far I've found it to be helpful in working through conflict, differences of opinion, and varying priorities. Sure, it'd be easier if on any given decision, one person backed out and let the other decide. But, what kind of precedent does that set for the future?
Carolina Man and I are in this together, and that means in all of the little things of life. Leaving each other out of our thinking and decisions is no way to build trust and partnership. So, wedding people, I ask you, please include the grooms. It's their day, too.
April flowers bring me happiness
Happy April, everyone! Have you gotten fooled by anyone? Let me just say how annoying I find the whole April Fools' Day thing, probably because it's too reminiscent of growing up in a house with two older brothers--where everyday was an opportunity to trick me.
But, wedding planning is no joke! Carolina Man and I are moving right along. Believe it or not, we managed to book both our photographer and our florist in the same weekend. Sometimes things just work out that smoothly and easily.
Flowers are not a number one--or even a top five--priority for us. We see them as a way to accent the celebration, but not as the focal point. So, when we found a florist who grows all of her own flowers in her backyard garden and specializes in more understated, yet beautiful arrangements, we knew we had found the one.
Here are some samples she sent us this week.
We are going to use pin-lighting in our reception room, so we wanted something with a lot of glass to reflect the light back. I love the simplicity and sleekness of these, and how no one will have their view blocked at the table. I'm thinking of asking her to maybe put some other blooms on the mirror, so it doesn't look as stark.
And I just love this bouquet! It's beautiful, and the colors go together so well.
What do you think?
But, wedding planning is no joke! Carolina Man and I are moving right along. Believe it or not, we managed to book both our photographer and our florist in the same weekend. Sometimes things just work out that smoothly and easily.
Flowers are not a number one--or even a top five--priority for us. We see them as a way to accent the celebration, but not as the focal point. So, when we found a florist who grows all of her own flowers in her backyard garden and specializes in more understated, yet beautiful arrangements, we knew we had found the one.
Here are some samples she sent us this week.
We are going to use pin-lighting in our reception room, so we wanted something with a lot of glass to reflect the light back. I love the simplicity and sleekness of these, and how no one will have their view blocked at the table. I'm thinking of asking her to maybe put some other blooms on the mirror, so it doesn't look as stark.
And I just love this bouquet! It's beautiful, and the colors go together so well.
What do you think?
April 20, 2013
That's right--we've set a wedding date! April 20, 2013. That's a mere 406 days from now. :-) Shew, it feels good to have that figured out.
And the best part is we'll be getting married on the same spot where Carolina Man proposed. I can't imagine anything more romantic.
And the best part is we'll be getting married on the same spot where Carolina Man proposed. I can't imagine anything more romantic.
A good luck sign?
I've had a savings account entitled "Our Special Day" since Carolina Man and I first became a couple. Presumption much? Or just excellent foresight? In either case, it's a great feeling that I already have a chunk of change stashed away before we even have a date set (although that's probably going to happen next week. Eeeee!)
At the end of the month, if I have any leftover cash, I throw it into the wedding fund. I went to deposit my balance from February, and realized that I now have $7777 in our wedding fund. Four sevens must be good luck, right?
Happy weekend, y'all!
At the end of the month, if I have any leftover cash, I throw it into the wedding fund. I went to deposit my balance from February, and realized that I now have $7777 in our wedding fund. Four sevens must be good luck, right?
Happy weekend, y'all!
Weddomg: First Thoughts on a Budget
I just discovered while trying to type wedding that if you misplace your right hand on the keyboard by one row of keys to the right that you instead type "weddomg," which I find totally appropriate on many levels. "Weddomg" is a perfect description about how everyone, including myself, goes somewhat, if not entirely, batshit crazy at the mention of a wedding. So, I'm thinking that at least some of my wedding-related posts will be labeled "Weddomg," particularly those that relate to my own craziness or the craziness of others. Today I'll talk about wedding budget craziness, even before we have spent a single penny.
Carolina Man and I are now in the very preliminary stages of wedding planning, i.e. we're going to look at a venue, we're putting together a draft guest list, and we're generally thinking of what time of year we're going to plan for. Oh yeah, and we're piecing together a wedding budget. If you want to make yourself insane in a matter of minutes, start looking at how much weddings cost on average. You'll probably shit yourself and/or start crying.
Even as a newbie, I can say that there's a whole lot to putting together a wedding budget, and there's a helluva lot of unknowns when you haven't begun looking into all of the vendors you'll need. But, we do know approximately how much our venue will be per person, how much the ceremony will be, and for the rest of it, I just googled average costs of wedding shit and put the numbers into a spreadsheet. The amount I saw before my eyes was somewhat shocking. A preliminary estimation of our wedding was about $25K. *gulp*
And then I wasn't so shocked. Weddings are expensive, yo. We knew that going into this. It's about what we'd said we wanted to spend from the beginning, and it's an amount that we can afford to pay out of pocket, if we are able to save as we anticipate (and as he and I both have been saving since we first began our relationship). Yes, it's an awful lot to spend on "one day," but let's be clear here. Celebrations of life and love are important. And I feel as long as we aren't going into debt, nor are we using all of our savings, then we can feel guilt-free in our spending on a day where we'll gather with loved ones to celebrate the new stage of our relationship.
But you got to prioritize. Here are some of the things we care about:
Yesterday I was still feeling nervous that our designated monthly savings wouldn't be enough to cover things. So, Carolina Man suggested we both commit to saving an extra $200 over what we said we would save each month. In a year, that gives us an extra $5K. And I don't think either of us will miss this as we both got raises this year.
I'm thankful for his calm attitude about all of this, and how on the same page we are about planning this event. And I feel good knowing that we're going to be able to afford the kind of wedding we both want.
Carolina Man and I are now in the very preliminary stages of wedding planning, i.e. we're going to look at a venue, we're putting together a draft guest list, and we're generally thinking of what time of year we're going to plan for. Oh yeah, and we're piecing together a wedding budget. If you want to make yourself insane in a matter of minutes, start looking at how much weddings cost on average. You'll probably shit yourself and/or start crying.
Even as a newbie, I can say that there's a whole lot to putting together a wedding budget, and there's a helluva lot of unknowns when you haven't begun looking into all of the vendors you'll need. But, we do know approximately how much our venue will be per person, how much the ceremony will be, and for the rest of it, I just googled average costs of wedding shit and put the numbers into a spreadsheet. The amount I saw before my eyes was somewhat shocking. A preliminary estimation of our wedding was about $25K. *gulp*
And then I wasn't so shocked. Weddings are expensive, yo. We knew that going into this. It's about what we'd said we wanted to spend from the beginning, and it's an amount that we can afford to pay out of pocket, if we are able to save as we anticipate (and as he and I both have been saving since we first began our relationship). Yes, it's an awful lot to spend on "one day," but let's be clear here. Celebrations of life and love are important. And I feel as long as we aren't going into debt, nor are we using all of our savings, then we can feel guilt-free in our spending on a day where we'll gather with loved ones to celebrate the new stage of our relationship.
But you got to prioritize. Here are some of the things we care about:
- Beautiful, convenient location
- Meaningful, personal ceremony
- Looking good
- Delicious food
- Ease of use (i.e. having an all-inclusive package)
- Awesome pictures
- Unique honeymoon
- Having everyone we've ever known there (we're thinking 50-60 people)
- Favors (probably won't have them)
- Tradition
- Having a huge bridal party (probably will have a Best Man and a Best Woman because I hate the phrase"Maid of Honor")
- DJ
- Flowers
- Having a theme
- Invitations
- Putting on a show for our guests
Yesterday I was still feeling nervous that our designated monthly savings wouldn't be enough to cover things. So, Carolina Man suggested we both commit to saving an extra $200 over what we said we would save each month. In a year, that gives us an extra $5K. And I don't think either of us will miss this as we both got raises this year.
I'm thankful for his calm attitude about all of this, and how on the same page we are about planning this event. And I feel good knowing that we're going to be able to afford the kind of wedding we both want.
Venue on the Menu
Carolina Man and I have taken a solid month to celebrate our engagement, including a lovely, pre-honeymoon getaway to Playa del Carmen. We've taken all the "OMG, engagement! What's the date?" inquiries in stride, and have mastered the vague "We're not sure yet!" response.
And now we're ready to move on to actually taking the first steps to planning our wedding. Exciting!
At the advice of many friends, both online and offline, I've been perusing the amazing blog, A Practical Wedding, and earlier this week I bought the book for my kindle. One of the first exercises it suggests that you and your partner do together is figure out how you want the wedding to feel. It may sound kind of silly to go through a whole list of adjectives together, but for us, it helped solidify that we're on the same page. Some adjectives we picked were elegant, intimate, meaningful, full of love, and fun. Some we didn't pick were glamorous, boozy, kid-friendly, traditional, and formal.
And, in my practical news, we have booked our first wedding venue site tour for next week! We'll be looking at the place where we got engaged, The Umstead in Cary. The appeals of the place? It's close, it's beautiful, and it's inclusive of a lot of things that we don't want to figure out in a piecemeal fashion.
What are some of the important questions we should ask when we visit?
And now we're ready to move on to actually taking the first steps to planning our wedding. Exciting!
At the advice of many friends, both online and offline, I've been perusing the amazing blog, A Practical Wedding, and earlier this week I bought the book for my kindle. One of the first exercises it suggests that you and your partner do together is figure out how you want the wedding to feel. It may sound kind of silly to go through a whole list of adjectives together, but for us, it helped solidify that we're on the same page. Some adjectives we picked were elegant, intimate, meaningful, full of love, and fun. Some we didn't pick were glamorous, boozy, kid-friendly, traditional, and formal.
And, in my practical news, we have booked our first wedding venue site tour for next week! We'll be looking at the place where we got engaged, The Umstead in Cary. The appeals of the place? It's close, it's beautiful, and it's inclusive of a lot of things that we don't want to figure out in a piecemeal fashion.
What are some of the important questions we should ask when we visit?
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