Only the Lonely

Dad, when are you coming home? 

Does a week at home alone to do whatever you want, including running around the house in your underwear and dipping tortilla chips straight into a tub of sour cream, sound awesome? Yeah, it did to me too until I actually got it. Now it just feels kind of sucky.

MT is off on a work trip (ha, his turn finally!) and we won't see each other for nearly a week. At first I thought I might enjoy the alone time, which I have to an extent, but at a certain point watching Real Housewives of Bumbfuck and eating frozen chocolate chip cookie dough loses its luster, especially the morning after when I feel the surge of regret over my dietary choices.

Life with MT is just better. Period. The only upside to his being gone is that it makes me appreciate him more (that and I have total control over messes and when they get picked up.) But his absence has also left me feeling a little bit...off. I have been walking around in a sort of fog. I did have social plans on Tuesday (that got cancelled) and Wednesday (that went really well), so I don't feel too much like a pathetic wife waiting for her husband to come home so she can make him dinner (which rarely happens in our house because Matt is the real cook.)

Rather than feeling too sorry for myself, I am just really grateful to have MT in my life, as my live-in buddy and confidante. It's nice to have someone to walk with the dog with at the end of the day and talk about what went down at work. It's fun to have someone who wants to stay up late playing Lego Harry Potter on the PS3 and will even stop to make popcorn in the middle of it because you are hungry. I feel really fortunate that we fit together in the small ways like that.

Baby, please come home. Our DVR is full of things I cannot watch until you return.

Late Night Laughs

Instead of our usual Kindle reading at bedtime, MT and I were snuggling up to each other, exhausted from our respective days. Tired from the worries of the world and annoyances at work, it felt so calm and peaceful to be still and quiet in our togetherness.

After a few minutes, MT said sweetly, "My favorite part of the day is coming home to you."

I don't know why, but I responded, "My favorite is lunch."

We then proceeded to giggle uncontrollably for the next ten minutes. It was a laugh that we both needed--a reminder that there is joy and goodness during the darkest of times.

It's great to be married to your buddy who likes to laugh as much as you do.

A True Partner

(Some of you have asked to see my wedding dress. I'd love to share it, but I'm keeping it a secret from Carolina Man! Feel free to email me at thenonstudent@gmail.com if you want a picture.) 

In the past, the term "partner" was one I used only because I hated referring to a significant other as "boyfriend." Saying "partner" sounded less sophomoric, more serious and committed. And sometimes it kind of confused people who were used to hearing the word only to describe gay and lesbian couples. I sort of liked that. It felt like I was being ultra-politically correct by using it.

But in reality, I had no freaking idea what I was talking about. I threw around the term "partner" mostly because I wanted to be treated like an adult and I liked the way it sounded, not because it was a true reflection of that relationship.

Partnership is teamwork. It's unity and commonality. It is a locked-arm-in-arm way of moving forward into the unknown of the future. And it's also wrapped up in the mundane tasks of daily life, like unloading the dishwasher even if it isn't your turn. Or picking up the dog's poop again. It's learning to love someone's family as your own.

Carolina Man is my partner in the truest sense of the word. Yesterday after my mom left to go visit my uncle, he held me as I cried, feeling overwhelmed not only by her departure, but by how my life has changed over the past year. Change for the good is still change, and it can sting in the most unexpected ways. As difficult as it is to feel those things, I know I can do so safely in his arms. No matter how I'm feeling, or what triggered my emotions, he is reassuring and affirming. Those moments are what deepen and solidify the trust we are continually building.

The best compliments Carolina Man and I have received as a couple are the ones that reflect our striving to act as a team in all that we do, whether that's in how we have conversations with each other or how we train our dog Lucy. My mom said the other day that she knew we would be great parents because we will raise our children with intentionality. I believe she is absolutely right about that.

Carolina Man and I still have so much to learn about each other. But with each hurdle we encounter, we do so with honesty, respect, and love for one another.

A Point of Personal Privilege

It has been a heartbreaking week to be a North Carolinian. As I've been making bridal gown appointments and chatting with perky wedding gown consultants, I've been thinking about how my state has not only added another layer of discrimination against gay and lesbian couples who want to marry or otherwise have their relationship recognized by the state, but also it's added a new discriminatory precedent for those couples who, for whatever reason, have decided not to marry.

A few weeks ago I watched the denomination that baptized me uphold its stance that homosexuality is "incompatible with Christian teaching." In the debates, I heard over and over that "we love everyone." But if someone were to say to me that they loved me, that they loved Carolina Man, but yet they believed in all seriousness that God condemned our relationship, our love, our being together? That is not love, at least not the kind I want. The kind that judges what only my partner and I can know--the way that we honor, respect, and love one another when nobody else is around.

I feel torn. Ought we to marry at all, knowing that in so doing we are buying into a political and in our case, religious reality that says no to our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters? I used to question if I'd ever marry, but only because I thought I'd never find someone, not because I legally couldn't. I've taken my freedom to marry for granted.

Perhaps it all is too easy for us straight folks to get married. Because honestly, if there really is a threat to the institution of marriage as we know it (and honestly, I have no idea if it's truly worth saving in its current state), the threat is how lightly it's portrayed publicly and how nonchalantly it's entered into privately by us straight folks. And no, I'm not saying divorce is evil or anything like that. God knows, it was best for my parents to get the hell away from each other.

But, in my eyes, nothing could be better for the "institution of marriage" than for more committed couples--in whatever form they take--to be part of it.

Worth the Risk

A few weeks ago, I got an email from a friend of mine in DC. She's not someone I know that well, but she reached out to me about her current situation: she's thinking about moving across the country to a place she's always wanted to move with a guy she met a few months ago. They wouldn't live together, just continue dating. And unsurprisingly, her friends are concerned and therefore not as supportive as she was hoping. She asked what I went through when I moved to NC and any advice I could give her.

This is what I wrote back:

I totally hear what you're saying about your friends not getting it. I think that's because we are all pretty rational about everyone else's lives, but not as much as our own. We consider our emotions and gut feelings when we make decisions about what we're going to do. And it sucks that other people can't feel or relate to those feelings--or even affirm that we have them at all.

I think it's good that friends are looking out for you, but ultimately they can't know what's best for you. Only you know that. The people who care about you in DC want you to stay put, I'm sure. No one is going to say, "Please move across the country!" They love you; they want you around. It's a good thing.

When I met Carolina Man, I knew almost immediately that I would marry him. Everyone thought I was crazy, except for my mom who backed me 100%. That ended up being enough confirmation for me to move forward with the move. I wanted other people to feel excited for me, but after many failed attempts to get that reaction,  I finally came to the conclusion that they just weren't going to get it, at least not as quickly as I wanted them to. Everyone thought I was crazy to move for a guy after two months. But, it's turned out to be the best decision I've made in a long time.

I say, go with your gut, and choose carefully whom you bring into your decision-making.  You are a beautiful, smart, talented woman, and what's the worst thing that could happen? You move there, hate it, and decide to move somewhere else. So, I'd say if you can handle that and it feels right, then go for it. I think love/adventure/excitement is always worth chasing after. Otherwise we're just living in fear of what we might lose.

I'm not sure what my friend will ultimately decide, but I hope that she makes a decision out of a place of both head and heart, and not out of fear alone.

Engagement Portraits by My Favorite Five-Year-Old

The day after our engagement, my mom returned home to Georgia. On her way she stopped by my brother's house because apparently my nephew does not understand that Nana sometimes is too tired to play. He overheard my brother and mom talking about our engagement, and he was inspired to draw the following portraits. 

This is me.

Please note the ring in the upper right corner.

This is Carolina Man.

He just learned to draw glasses, so he kind of forgot about the body.

 

 

 

Why go to a professional when you have an artist like this in the family?

The Proposal: Part Six...The End

Did you all think the last post was the end of the engagement story? I can understand why. It did end with the actual proposal, but there's more to the story!

Carolina Man walked me back to our room--a gorgeous suite with a balcony overlooking the place where we'd just gotten engaged. To celebrate he'd scattered rose petals on the floor and had a bottle of Dom Perignon chilling in the fridge. (He later told me that the bottle wouldn't fit in the fridge that was in the room, so management had sent up a larger one. Now that's serious customer service!) As he popped the bottle, I said, "I've never had Dom Perignon before!" And he said, "Me either!"

In between delicious sips of champagne, we stopped to admire the ring. He'd actually had it since before Christmas, but decided not to really look at it until he'd given it to me. Now that is some serious restraint.

With a pleasant buzz, we made our way to the hotel's five-star restaurant. The service was impeccable. The food, however, was a little too fancy for our liking. You know food that's just completely overdressed? Like what they make on Top Chef? That's what it was like. So, we didn't eat much except for the delicious scones in the bread basket. There was a waiter walking around with more of them the whole night, and I think we ate about half a dozen each. And, of course we had more wine, which we ended up having to cork because we couldn't finish all of it.

Tipsy and happy, we made our way back to the room, and happily passed out from such a wonderful day. But, before we fell asleep, I had one more envelope to open.

I know you're wondering what else there might be on this PPD. Well, believe me, the apex of the day was about three hours ago. But assuming you said, "Yes," I have booked us a couple's massage at The Umstead Spa for 9 am tomorrow.

What better way to start off our lives as fiancée and fiancé?

I love you so much!
Carolina Man

The next morning we woke up with no hangover (an engagement miracle) and made our way down to the spa for a relaxing massage before heading home to show my mom the ring.

We had such a wonderful experience at The Umstead that we're thinking about having our wedding there! But for now, we're just enjoying the engagement.

The Proposal: Part One

I gave you all a snippet of the first part of the day, but here's a more detailed account for your reading pleasure. Oh, it's going to be so much fun reliving that day.

If you had a hunch that you were going to be proposed to, would you be able to sleep the night before? I sure couldn't! If you were the one planning to propose, would you be able to sleep the night before? Carolina Man sure couldn't! That means we were both wide awake by 5 am on Saturday morning, and I had over two hours before I could open up my first PPD card of the day.

It read:

My love, 

Although this may appear to be a scavenger hunt or a treasure hunt, it is neither. This is what I like to call a P.P.D. or Progressive Pampering Day. I like to call it that because I just made it up and find it to be quite clever. 

Today is all about you. I want to show you how special you are to me by giving you a much-deserved "you" day. You will have fun, relax, eat well, and be generally pampered. 

The progressive part is that your destinations will be revealed throughout the day vis a vis these envelopes. No peeking! 

Get ready, destination one will be revealed right now. 

Love,
Carolina Man 

I came downstairs to find three plates of chocolate croissants (homemade by Carolina Man, and in milk, semi-sweet, and dark varieties), a pot of hot coffee made just the way I like it, and two beautiful red roses in a vase.

And of course, the next card, which I'll reveal next time!

He put a ring on it!

I promise the full story will be posted soon! For now, I'm floating...

The Mysteries of PPD

You guys, what do you think PPD means? Here's what I've come up with so far.

• Pretty Princess Day
• Prissy Pamper Day
• Puppy Power Dog
• Physical Punishment Doom 
• Pre-Processing Disaster

Ok, these are all ridiculous. Let me give you the context. 

For months, Carolina Man has been playing a weekend getaway for us, and has told me nothing about it other than a few very vague details about what time we'll begin tomorrow (7:30 am) and that our destination is less than two hours away from our house. Then yesterday, he hands me 6-7 sealed envelopes that have the letters "PPD" on them, numbered and with specific times written on them that I will open tomorrow. 

I can't believe he's done so much to plan for this special day together! I have no idea what we'll be doing, but I can't wait to find out. And of course, I'll make a full report once I know what's going on! 

Things I'm Glad Weren't True

As my relationship with Carolina Man continues to grow better and better each day, I've been thinking about the advice, concerns, and questions I got from the people in my life--the ones who love me the most and the ones who just like to give unsolicited advice about relationships, which includes pretty much everyone and I put myself in that category as well.

From the well-meaning to the mean-spirited, I've gotten a lot of advice about how to do all of this, and while some of it was helpful, a lot of it turned out to be mostly untrue. I'm not saying that these snippets of advice are untrue for everyone, but they weren't true for me and they may not be true for you either. 

1. You'll find love when you're not looking for it. 

Finding a partner was something I felt like I was always doing, almost in an OCD way at times. It seemed like every attractive man I passed was a potential date, and I started looking for wedding bands right away. It was a pretty strange way of experiencing the world, mostly because it made me feel insane. 

When I met Carolina Man, my ring-finger obsession had waned a bit, but I was still very much thinking about my life and how I wanted a partner. Being crystal clear about my wants and desires actually was part of what attracted CM to me in the first place. 

My truth: I found love where I wasn't expecting it. 

2. You need to be ok with being alone before you're ready for a relationship. 

Looking for love and being happy with yourself are not mutually exclusive. Self-acceptance is about being satisfied with who you are, not necessarily your circumstances. In fact, it's in part about being able to discern the two. As in, just because life's shitty at times doesn't make me a shitty person. The problem comes when you want any relationship just for the sake of having one rather than one that's a good fit. 

When I met CM, I was taking good care of myself and working on the inner critic bullshit. That upped my self-awareness and helped me be in tune with what was going on internally. 

My truth: I needed to be self-aware of my feelings and desires before I was ready for a relationship. 

3. Don't date more than 10 years older.

Confession: no one said this to me. I said it to myself! I set up this arbitrary decade limit for how old I'd date. I thought there would be no way I could relate to someone older than my oldest brother who's 37. When I was online dating, I immediately eliminated anyone older than that. 

But CM is hardly an old man! I do have fun picking at him that when he graduated high school I was just going into kindergarten, but in all honesty, he's young at heart, goofy, and keeps me laughing. That's way more important than how many birthdays he's had. 

My truth: Don't make age a non-negotiable. 

Life is unpredictable. We can go through it trying to avoid hardship and heartache, but in the end, we get hurt anyway. So, why not just take the chance? 

Mom is taking the leap!

Do you all remember when I told you how my mom had reconnected with her high school boyfriend? She acted like it was no big thing, but then over time she revealed that they were talking every single day on the phone. And that he wanted to meet her.

I was really afraid she wasn't going to go for it. She was so hurt by her divorce from my dad. All I want for her is to be happy, in whatever form is best for her. But, I hated the idea of her being alone for her golden years.

So, she and Mr. High School Boyfriend are meeting next weekend! I'm trying to play it totally cool because I don't want her to wig out. But inside I am cheering like crazy! Who knows what will come of this, but the fact that my mom is going for it is totally amazing.

Here's to potential love at the most unexpected times!

Carolina Man's Birthday Week Recap

Carolina Man celebrated a big birthday last week, and since it was also our first together, I decided to make his birthday extra special by making a game out of his gifts. I created my own version of Dirty Minds with each present having three dirty-sounding clues that would lead CM to his gift. Like, "Press me up against something thick and juicy" and "I love you to hold my rear end" for the tomato knife I'd gotten him. Most of the gifts were small things, but it was fun creating a game out of it. I gave him a gift a day during his birthday week, with a couple extra ones on his actual birthday.

It's amazing how having a thoughtful partner makes me want to be more thoughtful. Even more that that, knowing how appreciative he is of the effort I put into it makes me want to make every occasion that special.

There's a fine line there, though. Both CM and I tend to be others-focused. Most of the time that's a good thing. We consider what other people are feeling and experiencing. But for me, it can definitely go overboard, and it was nearing that with this birthday. I felt so much internal pressure to wow him, to make his birthday perfect that I ended up putting a financial strain on myself. I kept feeling like I could do more and more, never knowing when I'd done enough. I suppose there's still some insecurity there about this relationship being as good and solid as it feels, and so I feel the need to overcompensate.

The best part is I could tell CM all of this. We talked through it all, even going back into birthdays past and recalling the thoughtlessness of our former partners. And it created even more closeness to talk about those insecurities rather than to act as if they weren't there. I'm very grateful for that openness we share.

Happiest of Birthdays, Carolina Man!

Wishing my love the happiest of birthdays. You are my gift everyday! 

The Lasts

Yesterday was my last therapy session with C. After a journey of nearly a year and a half, it was bittersweet to say good-bye and thank her for facilitating a lot of hard work and growth. She, like my blog readers, has been along for the bumpy ride of heartache, depression, confusion, new hope, growth, and now, love. Carolina Man came with me to the session, which was a lovely way of tying it all together.

My room is mostly packed, to the point that I can't find anything I need and I've only got those random tidbits like a soap dish and a pile of magazines to deal with. It's crazy to think that in just a few days I'll be starting a new life, not leaving behind my current one entirely but starting a new chapter.

I'm leaving without the slightest tinge of doubt about my decision. I can't imagine a better feeling.

As if I needed another reason to be excited

This beautiful bed awaits me in NC! Thanks, Carolina Man--my handy man.

Dancing to...NC!

This probably won't come as much of a shock to you who have been reading along the last few months, but Carolina Man and I have decided it's time to end this long-distance nonsense and live in the same place. So, I'm packing up my things and moving to Cary in... 16 DAYS!

I've wanted to move to NC for over a year now, and since I can keep my current job and I don't even have to break a lease, there's never been a better time to try it out. I'm excited and stressed and nervous and happy and sad about it all at once.

So, I'll be busy the next few weeks trying to get my life in order. I couldn't be happier about the decision. As much as I'll miss my friends in DC, I know I'm ready to start my new life with Carolina Man.

Beach Getaway

It had been a long time since I'd been to the beach with a boy I loved, and my weekend getaway with Carolina Man could not have come too soon. I spent the late-night, four-hour drive down to his house complaining about how tired I was and how sucky my week had been. You could say I was being a bit of a baby, but he knew exactly what to do: listen, say "I'm sorry" and wait for it to pass, which it did as soon as I realized I was just a few hours away from being in his arms.As exhausted as we both were, we stayed up until four in the morning, getting reacquainted with each other, which was just delightful.

The heat wave put a damper on our departure because the car was so hot for the first 20 minutes or so we'd both broken out into a serious sweat. But once we got going and the car cooled down, we started singing along to James Taylor and feeling relaxed. We spent nearly all of the weekend catching up on sleep, eating indulgent food, and taking long walks on the beach. It was absolutely perfect.

I love how we are on similar pages when it comes to spending leisure time. Part of us felt like we should be spending more time out on the sand, but then we realized, this is vacation and we can do whatever the fuck we want. If we want to sleep until 10 and then go back to sleep at 3 in the afternoon, then we should do just that. There's no sense in adding stress to what's supposed to be mandatory relaxation.

I was sad to leave the beach, but that couldn't put a damper on my excitement to get back home to our new king-size bed and our luxurious new bedding from Restoration Hardware. And, I realized that I just called his house "home."

Miles to Go Before I Sleep

Life is so good right now that I'm hesitant to complain about the sucky nature of this week. But, it was sucky. I was in the middle of nowhere Ohio for work with not a single person in my age group in sight. I slept in a dorm, ate crappy cafeteria food, and listened to boring lectures for six days. And, the whole trip started on a sour note when my flight was canceled and the airline lost my bag.

But, it's over! I am at the Dayton airport, waiting for a flight back to DC (please, God, let it be on time!) so that I can jump in the car and make the four-hour drive back to North Carolina. Carolina Man and I are heading to the beach tomorrow for a much needed getaway. He's promised to indulge and pamper me, complete with providing a bell I can ring at any time. I suspect there might even be a present waiting for me when I arrive late tonight.

All I want to do is get there. This has seriously been the longest week I've had in recent memory. It feels like time slowed to a halt as soon as I landed in Ohio. Even though I miss Carolina Man terribly when I'm in DC, the pace of life is so much faster there I don't feel it quite as much. But in the middle of nowhere Ohio? Torture.

I know I'm going to be tired on my drive, so I've been caffeinating myself as much as possible and have a playlist of Celine songs (hey, you gotta do what you gotta do) to belt out to to keep me alert. Oh, and we discovered a little app called HeyTell that's like voice instant messanger and is probably the best thing ever. Next to chocolate. And coffee. And actually being together in person. But still, it's really freaking awesome.

This last stretch of time is going to be painful. But when I get there and feel him next to me and get to fall asleep in our new bed, all the waiting will be forgotten. I can't wait.

From a Distance

"I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it. "

Hopefully you recognize the absurdity above as a quote from the 1979 Steve Martin classic The Jerk. It's become a frequent reference for Carolina Man and me. First, in a silly way, it encapsulates the feeling of having known each other longer much longer than we have in actuality. Second, it pokes fun at the anguish we feel in being apart, no matter how relatively short the time. It's tough for me even to consider this a real long-distance relationship when he's just a four-hour drive away, and we've already managed to see each other twice since our first weekend together in Ohio (and I'll be going back to North Carolina on Thursday night!) In the past I've done the long-distance thing over continents and time zones, but this feels different. I can't imagine getting used to being apart, nor do I want to get to that place. 


Even with Skype and texting and email and cell phones, nothing comes close to being with someone in person. So much is lost when there's physical space separating you. Carolina Man brings up this distant feeling every now and then, and there's sadness that comes with it for both of us. That's especially true on a day like today, when he's having a lazy Sunday and I'm stuck in a tiny town in Ohio for work with nothing on my agenda today except perhaps a trip to the drugstore, only to alleviate some of the boredom. I think, "Why can't we just be together?" It feels like torture.


But it's almost a sweet torture,  both the agonizing longing for him and the ecstatic feeling of relief when I do see him again. I can hardly remember my life before him now, what it was like for something or someone else to be filling up all the spaces he holds in my mind and heart. I love that I'm still amazed at what's happening, that we haven't yet settled into daily life with one another. I love that he's the first thought I have when I wake up and the last thought I have as I fall asleep. And I will continue to count the days until I see my love again.