Everything is About to Change

This weekend was like a dream. Part of me still wonders if it happened at all. Could it really be this easy? Could I have actually found someone with whom I have a real connection?

I spent four glorious days with my boss L, her husband, and his son. There was some definite build-up and anticipation going into it; L had been talking about this guy for nearly a year, and I felt sheepish about being set up. But, the awkwardness melted as soon as he made me laugh the first time.

I've never laughed so much. And I didn't realize until then how important it is to laugh with someone--and how I never really did that with my ex. It was then that I realized I'd been settling for something less than I deserved. He had brought me down; being with him made me feel less like myself.

Now I feel like I'm floating. I'm scared and excited. But more than anything, I am feeling closer to my real self than I have in months. And I can't wait to see him again.

A Pause

My posting has screeched to a near halt. It started unintentionally but has become less so. Observing some of the less than charitable behavior that goes on online (of which I have certainly been a part of at times) has gotten me thinking about the purpose of my own blog and if it's something I wish to continue.

Whether right or wrong, when you share your life publicly, you open yourself up to criticism. I have not been the exception. I can't say I agree with the idea that having a blog somehow means you have signed up for whatever kind of bullshit people want to hurl at you. (Is human decency a lost art?) But nonetheless, feeling unfairly criticized and judged is part of the blogging territory.

And, I've been feeling like my inner critic, the little bastard that he is, really doesn't need any more ammunition. He does just fine on his own finding things to cut me down. So, do I really need another venue for feeling like a jerk when I screw up in my life?

I started the blog with a pretty clear idea of what I wanted it to be--a blog about what it was like to date a PhD student when I wasn't in school. I had grand notions of providing a community for those in this strange situation. But when I found myself single, the blog became a refuge--one I really needed. I found support and community in the midst of real heartache and pain. And then, it became a dating blog, and that was a shift I was not prepared for. Apparently people have lots of opinions about dating and what people should or shouldn't do--and they like telling you what to do. And, before I realized it, dating had been elevated to a level of importance in my life that I never anticipated. I let it become more important than it should have been.

Which is why I haven't been blogging about dating anymore. I don't want it to take up that space in my life--because it could if I let it. Dates can make a good story. Dating is attached to so many other deeper issues--what I want and desire, how I feel about my future, things that I should really reserve for those closest to me. Unfortunately, I have a problem with spilling my guts to anyone, and it's something I'm working on.

You know, I thought operating under a pseudonym would protect me, but it didn't. It never did. In some ways I think by not having a picture or a real name it made it easier to forget that I was a real person.

This is all to say, I'm not certain what I want to do about the blog, but I know that going forward, I'm going to keep my personal life just that--personal.

She's on Lent

"No, man. She's on Lent," he said.

The guy with the shot of tequila in his hand looked at me with a look of horror, puzzlement, and drunkenness. Apparently I was "on" Lent. Like... "on my period." Frankly I think stating the latter would have horrified the guy less than saying I'd voluntarily given up alcohol for 40 days (actually--with Sundays, it's like 46 days).

Not drinking has been an adjustment, especially in social settings. Especially in awkward social settings. Most especially on first dates like last night.

In retrospect, I never should have agreed to go to the bar and meet up with his friends. We'd had a nice dinner and for a first date, it was actually pretty relaxed even without the customary glass of wine. But, I wish it had ended there instead of at the crowded bar with everyone else in a drunken stupor and me completely sober. It wasn't just that though--he'd told me we were going to the Carlyle, so I'd gotten dressed up in a cute LBD and high heets to boot. It wasn't exactly bar hoppin' attire.

I sucked down my Coca-Cola, danced for awhile, watched the Georgetown game, but by about midnight, my feet were aching and I was ready to go home. Even though he'd driven me, I offered to take a cab home. I could tell he wanted to stay, and he didn't insist on driving me home, which was probably a good thing because he'd been drinking quite a bit. No cash on hand, I was going to look for an ATM when he handed me a $20, which I almost refused but decided to take.

I hopped in the cab, he said he'd call me, and off I went. A few minutes after I got home, he texted to see if I'd gotten home ok. "Yep, thanks! Enjoy the rest of your night."

He texted back, "Can I enjoy it with you? :-)" But I'd already fallen asleep, fortunately.

Um...I Have a Date?

Just today I was standing in line, waiting for my badge to enter the United Nations for the Commission on the Status of Women, when I thought to myself the most shallow thing ever, which was:  "I am never going to meet a man through my work." As it turns out, most dudes aren't that interested in working for women-specific causes. Most of the time, I don't mind that; in fact, it can be pretty awesome to be in a room full of passionate, powerful women. The energy is something like none other. But when it comes to scoping out the men folk, it's not so good for that.

After enjoying my latest takeout meal and lounging in pajamas, I was reading through my conference booklet (aka playing Snood on my laptop) when I get a text. A text from Mr. Tennis Pro. Don't remember him? Well, I actually never wrote about him. He contacted me via eHarm back in October when I was in the middle of my cross-country tour. This guy was persistent and patient, and after a few phone calls, I totally blew him off. I was just getting to the point where I couldn't stand dating anymore, and I had to say to him (and one or two others) that I was sorry, but I just couldn't do the dating thing right now. He responded with a frowny face and to let him know if I changed my mind.

I figured this would be a total turn-off for the guys I turned down. Apparently not for Mr. Tennis Pro (who is not only a tennis pro; he is also a business analyst, but tennis pro is more fun to say.) When I said I was surprised to hear from him, he said he'd found me intriguing. Then he asked when I'd be back and promptly asked me out for dinner and drinks the day after--and that he'd call me the day before to work out the details.

Persistent. Apparently doesn't hold a grudge. Bold. I can work with that.

So, apparently I have a date on Saturday night.

Mile High Blogging

So, I really have nothing interesting to say (what's new, right?), but at this very moment, my mind is being blown. Why? Because my AirTran flight home has complimentary WiFi (thanks Google Chrome). And that means I can do things on the Internet while flying. Like blog. About nothing. *giggle*

So, my so-so date from Friday (who insisted on TALKING through Harry Potter! I know, I should've kicked him in the balls) has sent a follow up email. I'll write him back...eventually. He wasn't writing to ask for a second date. Instead he shared that he still isn't sure if he liked Harry Potter or not. (I know, another kick in the balls is due.) Interesting. Doesn't really make this HP aficionado want to write back. 

But, in better news, I am currently heading home (On a flight! Right now! With Wifi!) for a week to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family for the first time since 2007! The last two years I've been at SCL's (one of the only good parts about this break-up is not being subjected to his parents on holidays), so I am really looking forward to warm temperatures (high of 77 today), cuddling with my Yorkie, and time away from DC. 

I'll probably be blogging some this week, but I can almost guarantee that anything I post will be even less interesting than what I've written here. 

I Saw the Sign

When I was choosing my undergraduate institution, when I decided to get my masters, when I met SCL, when I left school for a period of time, when I accepted my current job, there were signs--confirmations, gut feelings, a sense of peace, resolution, and certainty. I am hoping, looking even, for a sign in this time of discernment.

Fun and hilarious dinner with Date Me, DC!--sign I should stay? Horrible DC happy hour full of networking assholes--sign I should leave? Yesterday I even broke my own "no dating" rule and went out with someone. Even then I was thinking, "Maybe if we have a connection...would that be a sign?" (We didn't, by the way.)

I am a person of faith and I do believe that being in an open, receptive state can bring about clarity--either through signs, a gut feeling, or some other sense of rightness. I'm not going to get my answer in a pro/con list.  Believe me, I've tried that. Multiple times. The truth is there are plenty of reasons for me to stay in DC and reasons for me to go; reasons for me to move to North Carolina and reasons for me not to.

Some have warned me, "Don't make an emotional decision." As if choices that concern the heart are ever entirely logical--or that they ought to be. As if emotions are unimportant and valueless. As if this desire to make a change in my life is me just being emotional (sexist, much?). The heart is important, and so are our feelings, even as they fade and change and confuse us.

So, instead of indulging in fantasies about a new life or fixating on the things I dislike about DC, I'm trying to practice openness and patience, hoping that once again the answer will come in time. I truly believe it will.

Saved By the Bell: The Quickest (and Worst) Date Ever...And This Whole Dating Thing in General

It all started when Mr. Homeland Security texted me mid-afternoon to ask if I could pick him up from the Metro station and take him to our date. This kind of threw me off as, in my opinion, it's not something you ask on a second date. It got worse when he replied to my "How are you going to get home?" text with "Oh, you can just drop me off at the Metro on your way home." Presumptuous, much?

Needless to say, by the time 5:45 rolled around and I was heading to the Metro, I was feeling a little bit annoyed, even though I'd agreed to pick him up. (What was I supposed to say?) Then I got even more annoyed when he got into the car and kissed me--dude, we've only been out once! We do not have that kind of familiarity yet.

Then he proceeded to YAMMER ON for the next TWENTY MINUTES about the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT. Not once did he ask, "How was your day?" No, he went on a tangent about God knows what, and I was getting more and more irritated. I thought, "What am I doing with this guy? He's annoying me! He's unaware of his talkativeness and he's presumptuous. And he's bald!"

By the time we got to the bar, I'd had enough. And like an angel from Heaven above, my phone rings. It's my friend J who was staying with me and needed me to let her into my house. SCORE. "Sorry," I said, trying to sound remorseful. "But I've really got to go let my friend in. What bad timing!" We literally got right back into the car, I dropped him off, I winced as he kissed me again and said "Sure, we'll get together some time next week!"

NOT.


Everyone, can you feel it? Can you tell that I'm kind of not feeling this whole dating thing? As I was driving Mr. Homeland Security around town, all I could think is, "Why am I doing this to myself?" It felt like torture. I feel like I'm putting myself through hell right now--with SCL, with Dr. Nutrition, with all of these stupid dates that I'm not excited about. When I get a message from eHarmony, I feel stressed out, not excited. I feel pulled apart and torn open and fucked up.

I am BROKEN. My heart is BROKEN. I feel like SHIT about myself. I am TIRED of it.

When I feel this bad, I tend to make rash decisions without thinking it through. But, I just disabled my OkCupid account, turned off matching for eHarmony (why didn't I let the damn thing expire?), and have committed to really thinking through this whole dating thing and if it's what I need right now. All I know is I don't feel like myself and that something is not right in my life. And, if I care about myself at all, I will spend the time trying to figure out what that is.

My Confessions (From This Week)

So, I haven't been totally transparent on the blog this week, not that I feel the need to be, but I've definitely been highly selective in sharing what has been going on. And, my stress level remains at what seems like an all-time high, despite getting a fantastic massage yesterday afternoon. In an attempt to unwind, I'm going to write what's really been on my mind this week in the hopes that I get some relief...and that you all don't judge me too harshly. (Or, that Comment Bouncer is on her A-game.)

Confession 1: I have seen SCL three times this week. Before you yell a completely justified "WTF?!" let me explain...and then you can resume with the "WTF?!"ing. On Sunday I got home around 2:00, went to sleep for four hours, and woke up hungry, exhausted, and cranky. I got a text from SCL, "I know you must be tired and hungry, so would you like to come over and have some pizza?" At that point, I didn't even care if it was a good idea. Comment Bouncer, being the good friend that she is, asked, "Is this such a good idea?" No, it wasn't, and I knew going into it, I was tired and feeling vulnerable, especially after the wedding. But, I went anyway. I was glad to see him and sad.Then I saw him the following two days. Once to rescue him after he got stranded (long story). I offered to get him. The third time, I really can't justify. I was feeling pathetic and lonely, and basically invited myself over. Before you get too worried, nothing happened. But I definitely am hurting after the fact.

Confession 2: Dr. Nutrition is driving me bat shit crazy. On Monday morning I sent him an email, asking he'd like to go back to the wine tasting. Yesterday afternoon he sends me the following (edited a bit):

"Hi, I'm glad you had fun at the wedding. I'd love to go to the wine tasting, but unfortunately I'm reffing that night. What are you up to this weekend? I'm going to be in another state. Awesome!" 

Hmm, this is very odd, don't you think? Awesome that you'll be out of town this weekend and we can't see each other? I'm trying not to read too much into it, and since he asked me a question, I responded with the following.

"Hey, too bad you can't make it. It'd be fun to watch you ref sometime. My friend is visiting this weekend, so I'll be showing her a good time. Now that I'm home, we should get together when you're free."

This is not the first time he's been flaky. I'll see what he says back. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a little anxious about it...and that I'm not compulsively checking email to see if he's written back.

Confession 3: Mr. Editor has a stutter, and it was awkward. I feel like a shitty-ass person for saying that, but our date was totally weird. We didn't have a lot to talk about, but I feel bad for not liking a guy who I am sure has a tough time dating. But, chemistry can't be forced, and I would feel even more terrible if I went on a second pity date with him. Struggling not to feel shitty though...

Confession 4: I feel like a fucking mess in general. I hate that being with SCL was the calmest I've felt since coming back. I hate feeling stressed out about my friend visiting, when all I really want is a weekend alone. I hate knowing that if Dr. Nutrition just wrote back, I'd feel a lot less anxious and could go about my business normally. I hate that I've given anyone that much power. He's not the first one. This is totally a pattern for me. And I don't know how to fix it. Being in therapy and doing exercises about helping myself recharge showed me that I really don't know how to take care of myself. I'm good at the external things, but when those don't work, I don't know what to do. I've spent a lot of the last few days in tears, very similar to back in July when SCL and I broke up the second time. Maybe it's all just cyclical, but it's disappointing  to feel back at square one, even if some of it's my own doing.

These are my confessions. Be gentle.

Last-minute Date with Mr. Homeland Security

Silly me, I thought returning home would result in an instant release in tension, stress, and anxiety. It has been anything but because I cannot chill the fuck out. There's only so much sleeping a girl can do, you know? I spent yesterday's therapy session talking with C about how I can relax. So, today I am going to have a "me" day as much as possible: a trip to Nordstrom Rack, checking out mindless fiction from the library, hitting the gym, and getting a deep tissue massage. And, there's the date with Mr. Editor! I'm also staying away from Gchat, Facebook, and eHarmony emails which are all stressing me out at the moment.

Backing up to Monday night, I decided at around 3:00 PM to follow up with Mr. Homeland Security (eHarm  dude) on his offer to take me out. It was a shameless move, mostly motivated by a lack of food in my house (hey, I've been gone for three weeks!), but I also was stressing out about SCL and Dr. Nutrition. And what better way to get your mind off of a guy than to go out with a new one? I realize how sick this all sounds, but stick with me.

I emailed Mr. Homeland Security and said, "I know this is last minute, but are you still up for getting together tonight?" I did not add that I desperately needed food. He called me on his break and invited me to a great happy hour in Alexandria.

Mr. Homeland Security surprised me--he was actually better looking than in his profile pictures. He's 35, tall, and has remnants of a North Carolina accent, which I totally dig. He was also super outgoing, funny, and very, very talkative. There wasn't an awkward pause the whole weekend. We sat at the bar, had a few glasses of wine and ate delicious bar food before he asked me if I wanted to take a walk on the waterfront.

I think what really did it for me was when we realized that his grandmother had lived in my hometown and he had vacationed there as a kid. Nothing like hearing familiar places and names to make a girl swoon. I liked his bit of Southern charm and how fun-loving he has. Sometimes his talkativeness overwhelmed me a little, but all in all, I liked him. And I felt completely comfortable with him, enough so that I let him kiss me goodnight--a first for me! I never kiss on the first date. (By "never," I mean in my limited three or so months of dating.) The wine might've helped, too. I think I feel a shift in how I feel about dating, like maybe I'm getting slightly better at it.

So, I guess I'm back on the "dating multiple people" train. I emailed Dr. Nutrition for a date yesterday morning and haven't heard back yet. In the meantime, I'm keeping my options open and looking forward to tonight's date with Mr. Editor. Wish me luck!

Update: Mr. Homeland Security just called for a second date...for tomorrow! I may make him wait a little longer than that, but I'm definitely up for another date.

Can I Go Home Yet? Because I Really, Really Miss My Bloggy Friends

Isn't that beautiful? That is lovely Santa Monica.

Too bad we're now in suck-ass DALLAS. This final leg of the journey has been a total fucking nightmare so far. So bad, in fact, that our hotel is comping our entire stay. Yeah, that's how much they fucked up. I am sleep deprived, jet lagged, and cranky. Thank God this is the last place I have to go, except for Philadelphia on Saturday for a wedding. Then when I return Sunday, I will be having a several day affair with my bed.

But, there is good news to report! In the less than 48 hours that I was back in DC for a board meeting, Dr. Nutrition and I had our sixth date. Yep, believe it or not, my crazy did not scare him off, at least not yet. He was even kind enough to come all the way to where I live in Arlington, and with a bottle of wine in hand to boot!

I tried really, really hard to rally like a champ, but I was still on West Coast time and feeling exhausted from the jet lag. We went to karaoke for an hour or so, and then headed back to my place. I realized how fucking crazy I'd been a few weeks ago to make up this story in my head that this guy had just stopped liking me. I guess when you don't see someone for several weeks though, it's easier to think that something is wrong. Nothing better than a little in person reassurance, if you know what I mean.

As we were spooning, I told him that I felt safe with him, and that I wasn't sure if that's a good thing. He said, "Quit judging yourself for your emotions." I retorted, "But what if it isn't safe!" And he said, "What if it is."

What if it is. The truth is, I don't know. My gut says it is. And I'd rather go for it then hold myself back from feeling something. Is there a way to go for it and still be careful?

Keeps Getting Better

Yesterday marked date five with Dr. Nutrition, and it was by far the best date yet. With the late-night phone calls and flirtatious text messages, we were both more than ready to see each other in person. He'd set up this date a few weeks ago. On the third Wednesday of the month, the Bell Wine Shop in Dupont has a "Grand Tasting"--for $5, you can try 40 different wines. Granted it's nothing more than a sip of each one, but let me tell you forty sips add up. And once again, I found myself somewhat accidentally hammered. This has been happening to me quite a lot lately.

I had to smile when one of the other wine tasters referred to Dr. Nutrition as "my boyfriend." I didn't bother to correct them.

After some dinner to soak up the copious amounts of alcohol in our system, we had the awkward, "Where do we go now?" conversation. Since we were already on the red line, I said "Canada" made more sense than my place, and off we went. I got the sense that he was a little embarrassed about the lack of furniture in his room, and since last time he'd acquired a table and a dresser. Still no bed frame, but an improvement for sure.

Before things got too steamy, I wanted to talk with him about sex, as awkward as it felt. Here's my deal: as much as I hate to admit it, I am a stereotypical woman who can't have sex without feeling intensely bonded to the other person. Hell, even some hot, heavy-duty making out can make me start hearing wedding bells. No, I am not kidding. Yes, I am that emotional. But I know how I'm wired and I own it.

So, I said to him. "I really like you, and I don't want to risk messing things up by sleeping together too soon. It doesn't mean I don't want to; it's just that sex makes me feel really attached, and I don't think we're at that point yet." He said, "I completely agree." I  couldn't detect any insincerity in his voice--perhaps slight disappointment, but I'm fairly certain that he was being honest when he said he was on the same page. With that out of the way, I let my worries go and enjoyed myself. He declared the bed as a "worry-free" zone, so I really had no choice but to relax and enjoy being close to him.

At 1:30 he asked if I wanted him to drive me home. "Not really, " I said. He invited me to stay, and I spent the whole night with one of his arms under my head and the other wrapped around me. I can't say either of us slept very well, but I didn't care.

We woke up to sunshine and lawnmowers and mockingbirds, and continued to cuddle. I said, "Don't you need to get to work?" He said, "I think I'm going to work from home this morning. In fact, I think I'm already working right now." I laughed, "Oh yeah, how do you figure that?" He said, "I'm working on doing outreach to faith-based organizations." I cracked up and kissed him again, "Oh yeah, I think we've got a great partnership in the works."

Happy day.

Go with Your Gut...Or You'll Kick Yourself Later

Some of you have asked "Whatever happened to Mr. Navy?" Here's what happened.

We made plans to meet Thursday night, and then he had to reschedule for last night because of a work-related conflict. Not wanting to sound too available (even though part of me would have wanted to plans with the President for a date with him), I said, "Let me check. I have plans later that night" (with Date Me, DC!, by the way). Eventually I put him out of what I had hoped was waiting misery and agreed to meet him at 6:30.

I got super dressed up and even went so far as to exfoliate my feet for a good 10 minutes in the shower. Details, people. Details. We showed up at exactly the same time and sat outside. Never having had Ethiopian food and not wanting to look foolish on my date, I had interrogated some friends earlier on how to do it. The biggest piece of advice was not to eat too much of the bread because that shit is filling. What I really needed, however, was how not to act like a jackass on a date.

As soon as we sat down, it felt a little...weird. We had stuff to talk about, but the conversation didn't flow like I'd hoped. We didn't really address what had happened in Dewey I began to think, "Ok, I think we're moving into the friend zone." And I kind of just went with that. He asked me about my dates, I told him a little bit about Dr. Nutrition. I also told him about seeing SCL this week. He'd apparently had a similar encounter last week with the girl who broke his heart earlier this year. Once we got into the relationship/dating conversation zone, things relaxed a lot. It was really helpful to have a guy's perspective on the dating stuff.

He walked me to the super secret speakeasy where I was meeting Katie and company. We hugged it out and I thought, "Ok, no more predicament. Dr. Nutrition is the one I'm really interested in. How convenient to only like one guy!" I proceeded to have a fucking awesome time with Katie and her friends, and ended up not getting home until 3.

This morning, however,  I was surprised to get a Gchat from Mr. Navy, asking how the evening went. And then of course I went straight into over-analyzing self. I'd sent our mutual friend (who interestingly is in Dubai at the moment) a note last night saying that we'd gone out but that I was pretty sure what had happened in Dewey wasn't translating into our normal lives here in DC. She asked me, "So,w hat happened?" I told her I'd told him about the dates with other guys. Then she questioned why I'd done that. And then I thought, "Oh shit, did I fuck something up? Why did I do that? Why did I move things into the friend zone?"

Oh, that's right. Maybe because I knew in my gut that's where we belonged. But my self-doubting ass couldn't let the idea go that I'd done something to actively fuck this up. So, I immediately backtracked with Mr. Navy--saying I felt dumb for telling him about the dates, etc when I was on a date with him. Again, the gut spilling is out of control!

And you know what he said? He said he just wanted to be friends. WHY THE FUCK DID I NOT GO WITH MY GUT? I could have avoided all of these current feelings of embarrassment and humiliation had I just listened to my gut.

I'm going to hide now.

Take It Slow

Last week Dr. Nutrition invited me to dinner in Bethesda/"Canada"/his neighborhood for our fourth date. In true Dr. Nutrition form, he was late and I was on time. But once he got there, my annoyance dissipated....because it was replaced by horror at the (I kid you not) crushed velvet shirt he had on. Let me just say this guy is VERY comfortable in his sexual identity. And, he can also handle me poking fun at him, too. 

We walked around Bethesda, which is actually very beautiful and feels like a grown-up Arlington. He took me to his favorite store--Lululemon--where he literally knows every employee. One particularly chipper chick said, "We're going on a run to Guapo's in Tenleytown! Want to come with us?" Girlfriend, does it look like I'm dressed for a fucking run? And if you think I'm going to drop $250 for some of your overpriced sports bras and shorts, you are delusional. 

Eventually we ended up at a Thai restaurant, and this time, the waitress only had to come by three times before we were ready to order (this is significantly fewer times than our previous dates because we'd get to talking and never look at the menu). I ordered my usual glass of wine, but he stuck with water because, of course, he's doing a triathlon this weekend. I'm trying to figure out how I feel about dating someone who is in WAY better shape than I am. But, as usual, we had great conversation. He's seriously cute and we never run out of things to talk about. 

After dinner he took me to his place and showed me his "toys"--a Razor scooter, a hula hoop, a unicycle. I'm telling you, this guy is unlike any I've ever met. I love that he's playful and really doesn't give a fuck what other people think. He warned me that his bedroom had no furniture. And he wasn't kidding. He literally had a mattress on the floor, and that was it! It was perhaps the saddest thing I have ever seen. He lives up in the attic, and blames the narrowness of the staircase for his lack of decoration. To that I say, "Get your ass to IKEA because this shit is grim." 

Let me just add that making out on a mattress on the floor feels a little too dorm room to me. Especially when the guy puts Norah Jones on. All I could think about was my college boyfriend, which is not exactly the mindset I was hoping for. And I was feeling a little conflicted about the time I'd had with SCL the day before. 

"I should get going, " I said. It was getting late, and I had a long Metro ride back to Arlington. "Would you stay longer if I drove you home?" he asked. I agreed, and we continued to make out. Then the panic set back in, "Oh God, does he think I'm ready to sleep with him?" Because I wasn't. Not even a little. That's just not my style. I get too freaking attached, and I'm just not ready to feel that way about someone. 

He drove me home, and I invited him in to meet my roommates while I quickly cleaned up my room. I had not exactly planned on having a visitor, seeing as how we started the evening in Canada. But one of the things I really like about Dr. Nutrition is that I feel like I could introduce him to any of my friends or family, and they'd love him. He's so good at relating to other people. In the five minutes it took for me to throw the dirty clothes and papers into the closet, he was already chatting it up with my roommate G. 

I showed him my room. "See, this is what a grown-up room looks like!" Needless to say, it is way better to make out in a real bed and not a mattress on the floor. 

It was around midnight that I felt the compulsion to bare my soul. I may not jump in sexually with a new person, but for whatever reason, I have a hard time holding back when it comes to spilling my guts. I'm a processor, and  I just had all of these conflicting feelings about the situation--liking him, thinking about SCL, wondering what Dr. Nutrition was thinking. While  I spared him the details of the break-up, I alluded to the fact that heartache wasn't in my too distant past, and it has me feeling a little afraid. I can't stand the idea of getting hurt again. I don't think I could take it. Basically, I had a bunch of internal shit distracting me from the present situation, and it left me feeling vulnerable and embarrassed. 

But here's the good part of the story: it didn't seem to shake him at all. He didn't bolt. He just listened attentively and held me close. Dr. Nutrition is truly an exceptional person, from what I've seen so far. I've never met someone who seems so settled and comfortable in his own skin that I honestly think short of a murder confession there's really nothing I could say that would freak him out. It's a strange but good feeling to be the one who doesn't have it together completely. "I wish my feelings were more simple," I said. "What are you feeling?" he asked. "I feel happy to be with you right now, and that's all I want to feel right now. Does it bother you that I'm still healing?" "No," he said. "We've all been there." 

He told me, "I think you are a beautiful person." I laughed, "But you don't even know me!" He responded, "I have pretty good intuition about people. Plus, your eyes tell me everything--that you are caring, loyal, passionate, warm, outgoing..." 

Happy sigh. I like this one. 

Looking back on the night, I wish things hadn't gotten so serious, but that's just where I was at the moment. And knowing it didn't freak him out (at least from what I could tell) makes me even more interested in getting to know him. Next week we'll lighten the mood with a wine tasting and hopefully a night of karaoke. I need to show him (and me) my fun side again. 

Double Crush=Double Fun+Double Trouble

If you saw the second update on yesterday's post, my texting Mr. Navy ended up working quite nicely, even if I attributed it to momentary insanity. About two hours after I sent my last text (in which I not-so-subtly said it'd be fun to see each other again...and then immediately wished I hadn't sent it),  he texted back, "Let's shoot for next week. How's Thursday?" *happy dance*

Just as soon as I'd begun celebrating my flirting victory, I realized that I had to get showered and ready for my third date with Dr. Nutrition. We had plans to have dinner at 6 in Foggy Bottom, giving us plenty of time to get over to the Kennedy Center to pick up our free tickets. Or so I thought. At about 5:45 I got a text from Dr. Nutrition that once again he's running late, but he promises to be there by 6:10. Knowing that he lives way out in Bethesda aka "Canada," I knew he was bullshitting me.

As per usual, I arrived exactly on time and began tweeting furiously about how he was late for the third time in a row. The combination of annoyance and wishing I'd rather be with Mr. Navy put me in a slight funk until 6:20 when Dr. Nutrition showed up looking gorgeous and absolutely apologetic. As it turns out, he'd gotten some bad news at work and needed some time to process it before heading out to our date. I totally can understand that--and honestly had it been me, I would have considered cancelling. Or been in a funk the whole time. He was neither. Props to him.

Because we were late to sit down and we have a habit of talking rather than perusing the menu, we ended up not getting our check until close to 7:45. Shit, we were going to be late to the Kennedy Center! Now, had we been smart, we would've jumped in a cab, but we figured it wasn't that far and we could book it. Such a bad idea. I got distracted in his story-telling about a friend of a friend who had been at Dewey and got arrested for breaking and entering someone's house--and having sex on their couch! Dr. Nutrition said, "She's not just a burglar. She's a fuckburglar!" Hilarious.

It was around that time that we realized we were walking down the wrong fucking street. By the time we backtracked, found the Kennedy Center, found the super secret place where our free tickets were, and made our way to the theater, it was 8:30. In the elevator up to the terrace level, he looked so sad and apologetic that I decided to make the move this time and gave him a kiss. (The kissing this time around was much better than last time.) I said, "No worries, everything is fine." He was a lot more relaxed after that.

As it turned out, we hadn't missed too much, and it ended up being a fun night despite the two rounds of tardiness. And, we are beginning to get more comfortable with each other. Despite my thinking I'm totally infatuated with Mr. Navy (which I am at least to a point), the truth is that I am really feeling Dr. Nutrition, too. I've never been in this position of liking two guys at the same time, and I'm wondering how long it can last. But, seeing as how it's not a problem right now, I won't think about it too much.

We have our fourth date planned for Tuesday. This time I'm heading to "Canada." Wish me luck.

You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile.

Dudes, this dating stuff is tiring. I realize how ridiculous it is when I'm talking to my friends and they can never keep any of the guys' names straight. In fact, I may resort to using their blog nicknames in real life as well. It's much easier, especially since some of their names sound similar. Or at least they aren't distinct enough to stick in anyone else's brain (including mine.)

Dating is a steep learning curve. It only took a few first dates to get the hang of it, and now I feel like I've got it down. I'm a little too overly-confident before some of my dates, and at the last second I have to quickly scan the emails/online dating profiles we've exchanged so I can A) remember their first name B) get their cell numbers C) have something to talk about when we get there.

Mr. Religion Teacher and I had been talking for a few weeks, and we finally met up yesterday--at a MeetUp no less. We had a drink together beforehand, but I ended up being really thankful for the group setting of the MeetUp. First, let me say that Mr. Religion Teacher was HOT. Buff, beautiful face...except he NEVER smiled. NOT ONCE! Forget about laughing, he never cracked even a slight smile the entire time. I tried to keep it light-hearted, and he wasn't taking the bait.

Boo. Why are people so serious? It was really bad when we were walking back to the Metro and he commented on how the facilitator of the MeetUp group should have implemented a "quiet sign" to get the groups to shut up. Like, remember in Girl Scouts or first grade or something when the teacher would put up his/her hand and all of the students followed? Yes, Mr. Religion Teacher was suggesting this for grown-ups. What. A. Killjoy.

Needless to say, I was thankful my wait for the Yellow line was only two minutes. I was ready to high tail it out of there. He, however, seemed to think the date had gone well. So, who knows...maybe he'd lighten up on a second date? If he calls, I might go out with him again.

Update on Mr. Navy: I broke down and texted him this afternoon. In Italian. And we are currently flirting via text. All I want to say is, "ASK ME OUT ALREADY!" Too strong?

Second Update on Mr. Navy: He just asked me out, and I am doing the happy dance!

It's Just a Little Crush.

I am insanely smitten with Mr. Navy. Oh, it's so bad. See, this is why I do not get drunk and kiss beautiful boys because when I do, it's like I just hand them my heart in a damn zip-lock bag! Gah. I'm not used to being this girl. I felt bad bugging my friend L about him, but she's my only line to his thoughts. She said, "Don't worry. He likes you. Give him until the end of the week to contact you."

And if he doesn't, then what? Ok, just breathe. We are not even close to that point yet.

Despite my desire to stay home and pore over pictures from this weekend, I had a date to get to--Mr. Litigation. We met up at Teaism, one of my favorite DC places, in Penn Quarter just by the Verizon Center. I kept seeing people in bizarro outfits and was like, "WTF is going on?" Then I realized: Gaga concert! For a split second I had high hopes that Mr. Litigation had actually purchased us tickets for the concert. Damn, that would've been hot. Might have blown Mr. Navy out of the water.

Even without Gaga, we had a really wonderful time. He was easy to talk to, funny, and easy-going. He's the oldest of six, and I loved hearing how close his family is. He did at one point mention that his sister was involved with Campus Crusade and I got a bit concerned until he mentioned doing a lot of meditation. We ended up talking for an hour about Buddhism and meditation. He even told me how to sit more comfortably--roll up a yoga mat and sit on top of it. It forces you to have a straight back--I will have to try it.

He was a really nice guy and a great distraction from Mr. Navy, though he was not really my type physically. But it's really good for me to keep meeting new people and not focus so much on this one guy. Even though he is beautiful. And smart. And sweet. And a fantastic kisser.

Oh, I am such a goner with this one.

P.S. My friend Z from the weekend texted me to say, "You and Mr. Navy are totally getting married. My few friends who are married I've been there when they met." I know it's ridiculous, but this makes me feel all giddy!

How Can I Keep from Swooning?

Happy (almost) Labor Day weekend, everyone! I'm giving Earl the finger and heading to Delaware (who knew they have beaches?) with friends. Probably will be drinking and carousing too much to blog, but you never know. Hope you all have fun things planned!

Before I go, I had to share my morning moment of swoon. Dr. Nutrition and I made plans for dinner on Thursday this coming week (a night that I had already sort of promised to another date and then had to back out of...oops). I was already excited about that, but then this morning I get an email from him saying, "Hey, remember when I mentioned that my neighbor ushers at the Kennedy Center? She offered me tickets for a performance this Thursday, so instead of meeting just for dinner, how about dinner and a show?"

*SWOON*

This guy is good. What kind of crazy connection is this! Not only does his neighbor get free tickets, but she is willing to give them away to this guy. Wow. I am impressed.

Sunset at the Kennedy Center: Second Date with Dr. Nutrition

Last night was my second date with Dr. Nutrition. He sent me an e-mail last Friday (just under 24 hours after our first date) asking if I'd like to go to the Kennedy Center or Jazz in the Garden...or both. Two date options! I was impressed. But with my busy social calendar and my plans to go out of town for Labor Day, yesterday was the only night that worked for me.

There are so many awesome things to do in DC that are free--and I don't mean just museums. Every day the Kennedy Center has a free concert that's open to the public. Dr. Nutrition had been there a few times before, and apparently they bring in pretty big names. If you're in DC (or visiting), check it out!

The concert itself was pretty great. The only thing about it was it was difficult to talk during it, and kind of like seeing a movie with a date, there's a lot of sitting there next to each other not interacting. We exchanged a couple of funny observations, like how the lead singer was playing a guitar but we couldn't hear the sound and how the keyboardist would oddly interject a few lyrics at random times. The sitting next to each other but not talking proved to be not a good thing for this reason: I started to panic. Thoughts of "WTF am I doing?" and memories of SCL were swarming in my head--everything from, "I feel so uncomfortable being with a new guy" to "The last time I came to the Kennedy Center was with SCL" and "Oh god, I'm going to vomit." I don't know what came over me, but I was feeling anxious and was thinking of excuses to bolt.

But, I'm trying to remember that thoughts usually pass--just like emotions come and go, the things in our head come and go. Rather than believing every little thing I think, I try to acknowledge the thought and then drop it. By the end of the concert, I felt much calmer and more open to spending time with my date.

We ended up spending three hours on the rooftop terrace of the Center, which has a fantastic view of Georgetown. It was really quite beautiful, especially as the sun went down. Unlike the last date, this time I felt like we were in more of a dialog, and I felt more and more comfortable with him. I can't get over how self-aware and positive he is--it's such a change to talk with someone who knows what he wants and is excited about the journey. And it doesn't hurt that he's also really, really cute.

We talked about online dating--and how it's difficult on the one hand to say, "Love will happen when it happens" and being intentional about kind of looking for it. Ultimately it's about expectations--being open but not insistent that things must go a certain way. For someone like me, who tends to fall fast and hard, it's a good thing for me to be slowing down and not jumping to conclusions.

But, I think what really got me and made me swoon a little bit was when we were talking about how we choose whom to contact on dating sites. He said, "The pictures are really important to me. Most people talk about the importance of a person's smile. But I look at the eyes. I look for light, for exuberance. People can fake a smile, but the eyes reveal something deeper." *swoon*

We kissed not long after that. My first thought was, "This is nice, but different from kissing SCL. It feels sort of weird." Seeing as how I haven't kissed anyone else in two years, I guess that's probably not an abnormal thought. But despite the initial weirdness, there was a great energy between us.

At that point it was 10 PM and we both had to head home. It wasn't until I got on my Metro car that I realized we never ate dinner! I guess that's what good conversation can do to a person. I think it's safe to say a third day is on the horizon, and I'm really looking forward to it.

Let Me Take a Swing at That

I held my first golf club when I was 6. It was an antique wooden club that had belonged to my grandmother, and I carried it with pride to my first golf lesson. Golf was pretty much an expectation in my family--my grandparents had taught both of my brothers how to play, and just because I was a girl didn't mean I was off the hook. I took golf lessons for three summers and even won a tournament. But once adolescence kicked in and I became preoccupied with attempting to be cool, golf fell off the radar screen. Until yesterday.

Mr. Graphic Designer contacted me via OkCupid, responding to the part of my profile that refers to how I like nerds (I've since edited that section) and how he could kick my ass at Scrabble. "You probably could because I've never played Scrabble," I responded. I know, what kind of person hasn't played Scrabble? This kind of person. Growing up with athletic brothers I was always playing sports, not board or card games. But, Mr. Graphic Designer also had an affinity for golf, and when I told him that I actually like watching golf on TV (I attribute this to being subjected to countless hours of golf broadcasts on our single TV), he could barely contain himself.

He invited me out for drinks, but I said, "Hey, let's go to the driving range." Again, an awesome response--and one I really was genuine about. I'd rather go do something for a first date anyway. We made plans to meet at the East Potomac Park driving range. He'd let me borrow his clubs--a very kind gesture seeing as how freaking expensive golf clubs are and I haven't played in 15+ years.

So, as I was getting ready for my golf date, I was actually talking to another guy (Dr. Scientist, not to be confused with Dr. Nutrition) and awkwardly trying to pretend like this date was with a friend. "What are you going to wear to play?" he asked. I said, "Um...I dunno, some khakis and a collared shirt?" He said, "You're going to be drenched in about five minutes." And he was just about right--except that it really only  took two minutes before I had sweat through my clothes. Damn this return of 90+ degree weather.

Backing up, Mr. Graphic Designer--a really nice guy, definitely nerdy, not really my type. I knew it pretty much right away, and thus I felt not even a slight sense of nervousness about the whole date. In my limited experience, a good date comes with at least a few nerves because there's some excitement about where it might go. Sadly, there were no such feelings about this one, but I was still pumped to play.

As far as the golf goes, it's sort of like riding a bike, but I am definitely out of practice. I was splicing,, hooking, and whiffing more often than I'd like to admit. But just about every fifth swing (usually when Mr. Graphic Designer wasn't looking, of course) I nailed it--and my ball would sail into the air. It's an awesome feeling when you do something like that right. The other times, it's frustrating as hell. Mr. Graphic Designer did try to give me a few pointers, and I let him since it seems like guys like to do that. A few of his tips actually worked.

Even though it was in the middle of the afternoon, we ended up going out to lunch afterward...and that's when things got a little awkward. We sort of ran out of things to talk about once the food came, but we both toughed it out. He drove me back to my car and invited me up to his apartment to, uh, "look at his art." I said, "Um, actually...I should probably...um...go." He seemed a little disappointed, but understood.

We hugged good-bye and I said something like, "Let's hit the driving range again." But I have a feeling that might be the last time he lets me use his clubs.

On Second Thought...After some Franzia and Frankness

I have a feeling it's going to take me some time to get used to this whole casual dating thing. I'm afraid that yesterday's post mostly highlighted Dr. Nutrition's own brand of type-A-ness and left out a lot of the good parts. In fact, I had forgotten a lot of the good parts about the date until I started talking with Katie and my friend B.

Katie had a shit day at work, but even so, she shared her box of Franzia wine with me. I told her about how I'd felt not very special during the date because Dr. Nutrition seemed so accomplished. "Fuck, you get flown all over the country to give talks!, "she said, a couple of glasses into the box o' wine. She said maybe I was committing a form of self-sabotage--that because it's only been a month since the breakup that I feel I'm not supposed to be ready to date again, so maybe I'm telling myself that I'm not good enough for this new guy. It's a pretty fucked up way of thinking.

I think she's right. I did feel some insecurity and held back talking about myself a lot (it did help that he talked a lot). I'm not sure how to say to myself, "Just be confident," but I think next time I'll be more aware of the voices in my head, telling me I suck or have nothing interesting to say. Little bitch voices, get the fuck out of my head!

Katie told me to text him I'd had a good time and see what happens. So, I did just that--said thanks for the dinner, that I'd had fun, have a good weekend, etc. I figured it couldn't hurt to let him know that I'd enjoyed myself and would be open to another date. So, when I walked home from Katie's and realized he'd sent me an email inviting me on not one but TWO dates for next week, I was beaming. We're going out on Monday.

Later yesterday evening, I was with my friend B, driving to Old Town and I started rehashing some of the date and realized in talking about it that it really had gone a lot better than I initially thought. We connected on a lot of levels and have more than just surface-level interests in common. Once I quit with the self-sabotage talk, I could see things differently. I'm looking forward to Monday, hopefully with a much different attitude on my part.